Beetis Update

We found more...

Sense and Senselessness

Don't hold your breath.

So, after finally receiving our 20,000th hit here at HPO, we really don't know how to react. Looking back on the past year, all those monkey stories, all those Japanese people, all those midgets... we don't really know what to make of it all. But, we're happy that this blog is still a "floater", and we are thankful for ever day that we have it. In fact, we have even been considering purchasing a miniature horse to celebrate.

"Many dogs" are larger than this horse.

Well, we were thinking of buying a miniature horse, until we actually did some research. It turns out that most miniature horses cost upwards of $1,500... And that's just for some average, non-accomplished joe-schmoe miniature. A horse with any type of prestigious pedigree costs a lot more than that - and any semi-legitimate champion miniature thoroughbred can cost as much as a car.

So, needless to say, we withdrew our bid for purchasing a horse... Especially since one could purchase any of a number of monkeys for the same price, and considering that miniature horses are not exactly the best-behaved beasts in the barnyard.

OK, we understand the problem, but who shoots a miniature horse? Come on, jackass. If your full-size horses are getting injured by a miniature horse, you don't need to shoot the miniature horse; you need to shoot your own horses.

It's like a midget roughing up Mike Tyson... It ain't the midget's problem, that's for sure.

"Drive it like you stole it."

Not surprisingly, there is a US Lawn Mower Racing Association. Surprisingly, mower racing came over from Britain. According to Failure Magazine, this sport is really taking off. Drivers have been clocked at over 80 mph, which is pretty damn fast to be going on a lawnmower. Why people would ever do this is beyond us....

But, then again, we can think of things that are slightly more meaningless than this.

The Beetis

I know who has diabeetis.

Wilford Brimley, popular character actor and Liberty pitchman, is well-known for playing a prominent role in "Ewoks: The Battle for Endor", being a grumpy old man, those funny commercials that aired during The Price is Right, and looking like a walrus.

Man, we used to watch The Price is Right whenever we got a sick day off of school just to be able to watch those funny diabetes commercials... 10 AM on Channel 2. Plus, those cheesy suits that the announcer guy would always wear.... And, of course, Bob Barker walking that fine tightrope of borderline sexual harassment as only Bob Barker can.

That's the fakest horse we've ever seen.

Thanksgiving

These two things are not equal.

Ever since 2001, we here at HPO have been struggling with the age old question: "What is a sandwich?" The short answer, unfortunately, is that there is no short answer. It all began when we read in a very informative encyclopedia about baseball that we kept in the can that "a hot dog was a sandwich."

Beg your pardon?

It doesn't matter where you're from, what color your hair is, or whatever un-holy god you believe in, there is no way that a hot dog is a sandwich. But why? Can we tangibly sum this up?

General knowledge powerhouse Wikipedia defines a sandwich as "a food item typically consisting of two pieces of leavened bread between which are laid one or more layers of meat, vegetable, cheese, together with optional or traditionally provided condiments, sauces, and other accompaniments."

Under this definition, a hot dog is a sandwich. However, Wikipedia suspiciously omits the hot dog from its List of Sandwich Styles... The bottom line is that every blue-collar, working-class Johnny Punchclock knows that a hot dog is not a sandwich; it's a fucking hot dog.

So where's the difference? Well, when posing this question to the almighty Question Board under the alias Mark "Word to Your" Mulder back in 2003, we got a response that made sense, although the logic behind the thinking may have been rather partisan. But, the source for the QB's thinking was "The Encyclopedia of Food and Culture", a more than credible source.

But then again, you get degenerates like this fucking quack who fell so far off the sandwich wagon when it clunked its way through town that you wonder if they've ever purchased cold cuts in their lives!

Down the well it goes!

Arguing about what constitutes a sandwich is a lot like a midget basketball game: The goal is a lot lower than it usually is, and everyone is arguing about who the tallest midget is, even though it doesn't really matter because around the corner a 300-lb Mexican guy is waiting for the bus, and he could squash all of them in about two seconds anyways.

If you ask us what our definition of a sandwich is, we can't be sure, but we know of a few general guidelines:

1. You gotta be able to hold the thing in your hand (no fork or knife required)
2. There's gotta be some bread, and there's gotta be something inside the bread or on it
3. Matching the above two descriptions still does not guarantee that it is necessarily a sandwich (for example, a hot dog)

So, the matter is pretty complicated. But, a few days ago, Superior Judge Jeffrey Locke did the sandwich world a monumental favor when he ruled that a "sandwich is not commonly understood to include burritos, tacos, and quesadillas. [Burritos] are typically made with a single tortilla and stuffed with a choice filling of meat, rice and beans."

In the words of sandwich expert Chris Schlesinger: "I know of no chef or culinary historian who would call a burrito a sandwich. Indeed, the notion would be absurd to any credible chef or culinary historian."

The above legal proceedings between Qdoba and Panera can best be summed up using an analogy. And since our friend Greg over at Sportsblah came up with a really good one, we thought we would use it here (slightly modified for contextual purposes):

Imagine a grown with no arms playing with a wolverine. He plays, laughs, fills with joy. You watch, eat chips and know it won't end well. But an hour goes by, the man is intact and everything is fine. The impossible looks like it might happen. Then, out of nowhere, without warning, he gets hit by a train. Judge Jeffrey Locke is the train. The man, Panera. The wolverine, Qdoba. His lack of arms, boating accident. This one won't even be close.

Wet and wild.

So, there's this product on sale called "Ultimate Anal Douche Hygienic System easy to clean Rectal Syringe". We originally found this product while perusing through the outstanding Douche-O-Rama website. Anyways, God only knows what you do with this thing when you buy it, but here is one owner's review of the product:

Not so fast . . . I use this around the garage. If you are picky about your car and do your own detailing like I do, you'll find that nothing can inject your preferred cleanser into those hard to reach vent intakes and door jambs like the Ultimate Anal Douche. The long spout is a good "third hand" for awkward repairs, like brake jobs. Also, since my dog sleeps in the garage, I find that this thing doubles as a handy "vet's assistant" when the kids have fed him too many cookies, if you know what I mean. If you are looking for value without all the frills, try and find the more economical Brutal Anal Douche.

There are several things wrong with this guy, as shown by the following excerpts from his brilliant little speech:

• "The long spout is a good 'third hand' for awkward repairs, like brake jobs." Sorry, asshole, but whenever we have ever repaired our car, never has a douche been involved.
• "My dog sleeps in the garage... this thing doubles as a handy 'vet's assistant' when the kids have fed him too many cookies, if you know what I mean." No, we don't know what you mean. In fact, we have no fucking idea what that could possibly mean. If you even consider sticking that thing that you use for door jambs up your German Shepherd's tucus, then you should be locked away for a long, long time, you twisted demented pervert.
• "Try and find the more economical Brutal Anal Douche." What in the hell is going on here?
  

Fake plastic turkey. Cheesy Dubya smile.

As we were informed by one of correspondents, Jelly, President Bush recently pardoned two turkeys, named Flyer and Fryer, meaning that they will not be killed and then enjoyed with stuffing and cranberry sauce tonight, but will live the rest of their turkey lives in heaven. First, the turkeys are being flown first class to Disneyland where they will be grand marshals of the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Lucky bastards.

However, CBS incorrectly points out that Harry S. Truman began the tradition of pardoning turkeys, when in fact it was Abraham Lincoln who pardoned the first turkey after his son Tad became emotionally attached to the flightless bird.

Craptacular

Instead of not smoking at all, why not smoke four cigarettes at once?

Sometimes, we feel like the whole entire world has gone crazy, and out of the however-many billion people on this earth, we are the only sane ones left. Really. For example, meet Phillip Dale Williams. He is a Virginia resident who claims to be in "social marketing", but the only tangible job that we can confirm him having involves "Douglas 'Dude' Cigarette", a character that he created 10 years ago.

Dude Cigarette is a giant walking cigarette who wears a sports jersey and raps to kids about the dangers of smoking. Incidentally, we tried to access Dude Cigarette's website, but it has apparently been hacked into by a bunch of computer geeks with too much time on their hands. Anyways, Dude Cigarette's job consists of making a bunch of public appearances and trying to appear semi-reasonable.

But, like all stories of this nature, it wouldn't be complete without an element of scandalousness (cue the clown music). So, as it turns out, "Dude Cigarette" is a bigamist. After what we're sure was a very professional investigation by one of his wives, LaShawn, she found out that he has three other wives. Now he's facing 10 years in the big house because he married four women at once. Apparently, Dude Cigarette ain't able to swing his nuts unless he's got more than one mule kicking in his barn.

Again, cue the clown music.

Christian Adam is in the Guiness Book of World Records. He holds the record for "cycling backwards with violin." From what we gathered from his internet page, apparently he takes a bike, puts one of those sheet-music-holder things where the seat should be, sits on the handlebars, starts pedaling and playing the violin, and steers with his ass.

He managed to bike backwards for about 33 miles while playing the violin. The world record for cycling without a violin is about 61 miles. However, one should remember that it is really, really hard to play the violin, and it is extremely difficult to steer a bike backwards with your ass; so doing them at the same time is probably damn near impossible. All in all, we'd like to wish Mr. Adam the best, and at this point we'd like to say that it's a great day for the entire human race when we can all just re- HUGH!!!!!!!!!!

Arnold es numero uno.

After reading this sad, tragic story, we realized that life just sometimes ain't fair. But, in all honesty, to be fair to Mr. Wooten, if you and your wife are the only people that voted for you, it doesn't really make sense for you to be the mayor of your town. It probably means that you're a douchebag who doesn't know when to call it quits.

Homo-phobia

Welcome to the Wiener Patrol.

It's very hard to determine which is more frustrating: Watching Drew Bledsoe consistently overthrow wide-open receivers after having seven seconds to make up his mind in a pocket the size of a suite at the Ritz, or watching Tony Romo dance around the field like a ballerina, putting bullet spirals right between the numbers while throwing across his body on the run. Anyways, after losing the Big Tuna's trust and his starting job along with it, Drew has recently let his true feelings be known by starting his own blog, TonyHomo.com. In his writings, Drew confesses his love for hamburgers and his hate for the man he only refers to as "Homo". Quality stuff.

Buy a couple more palaces, you greedy bastards.

The Saudi Arabian royal family, who have been well-known for being keen to undertake in some rather scandalous finanacial ventures in the past, are causing a commotion again.

The British government's Serious Fraud Office is requesting access into the bank account information of two men believed to have been acting as middlemen in hundred-million dollar illegal weapons trades between the British war machine manufacturer BAE and the House of Saud. These two men have been described as "a prominent Lebanese politician" and "a wealthy Syrian."

Not under-the-table enough for you yet?

Additionally, documents that were accidentally leaked proved that BAE inflates the prices of its military contracts, sometimes by as much as 32%, in order to fund the luxurious lifestyles of Saudi Arabia's many princes. Now, in response to the British government's probes on this shady activity, Saudi Arabia is threatening to sever all diplomatic ties between itself and the United Kingdom.

Saudi Arabia, we call your bluff.

There is no way on God's green earth that Saudi Arabia would sever ties with Britain. Britain has long been providing the Saudi Arabian royal family with priceless intelligence about the tyrannical Shia muslim regime right next door in Tehran. You think that Dr. Ahmadinejad wouldn't jump at the chance to assassinate a few members of the pro-western, oil-rich House of Saud (who are all Sunni muslims)? Or what about al-Qaida? They hate the Saudis for their pro-American relations and their liberal politics with regards to the Islamic faith. They would love a slice of that oil pie too...

There is simply too much for Saudi Arabia to lose by cutting off ties with England. No way will it happen. No way in hell.

Drunk Elephants

The bridge is out!!!

So when elephants go on a rampage and kill a bunch of people, the standard operating procedure is pretty.... standard. You get some tranquilizers, bring the elephant down, and trim its tusks so that it can't cut people's heads off with them anymore.

"You can suck my balls."

But what if you are dealing with elephants that are drunk?

Well, probably attempting to "scare them off using drums and firecrackers" isn't the best idea. But, then again, if you live in an area where an elephant-related death occurs every five days, there's probably not a whole lot you can do.

You could call in Vladimir Putin. He seems to pretty good at making problems disappear..

Not Learning From Your Mistakes

Panbanisha speaks: "Let me throw poo."

Bonobos are the closest living relative of the human being. Like us, they are great apes. And like us, sometimes they do stupid things. Well, a few weeks ago, we wrote about a story over at some place called "The Great Ape Trust of Iowa," which apparently is some type of research center. Anyways, they had this bonobo there named Panbanisha, who can communicate with people using special message boards. She got in trouble after pulling a fire alarm last month. Well, those idiots down at the Ape Trust never did anything about it, and now Panbanisha has pulled the alarm again.

Twice in two months.

The best part is, these so-called "experts" are now saying that Panbanisha probably pulled the alarm as retalitation for not getting let outside! According to the story, when the alarm was pulled, "I went to check on Pan, and she was sitting there next to it with a smile on her face," said lead scientist Sue Savage.

"Lead scientist"?!?

Well, in that case, great job leading, jackass. Who the hell is running that place? How can this happen twice? They may be smart, but they're still monkeys, you idiots. There's no way on God's green earth that a fire alarm should be in a monkey enclosure anyways.

Baking bagels will be punishable by death.

So a couple months ago, we decided to write an email to the President of Iran through his website. Anyways, after not receiving a response for a long time, we figured that we had been blown off. But then, just a few days ago, we received a reply to our email, which we originally wrote under the pseudonym "Kyle Donovan." Here is the email that we sent to, and the reply we received from, the office of the President of Iran:

Dear Mr. President,

I have two questions for you. 1. Were your comments regarding wiping Israel "off the map" taken out of context? 2. Do you have any other plans for changing women's rights in Iran? Thank you very much for your time.

Kyle Donovan

________________________________________________________

Dear Kyle Donovan

We received your letter. Regarding your first question,we beg to inform you that the presidents views about zionist regime are reciting some historical facts and attracting the world s attention to their human responsibility for the oppressed people of palestine.Regarding your second question you can refer to the 9th government program reflected in the persian part of presidential site or in the following link http://www.president.ir/farsi/ahmadinejad/dolat9/09/

with regard The islamic Republic Of IRAN presidential Site

_____________________________________________

So, in our opinion, that's a pretty classy move on their part. They probably get hundreds of emails a day, and probably most of them are a lot more important than ours was. Let's be honest, we've been blown off by people a lot less important than the President of Iran (you know who you are, National Hot Dog and Sausage Council).

And, last but not least, one of our readers sent us this link, entitled "How Not To Release a Leopard." We feel it is pretty consistent with the theme of this post.

Tying the Knot

Not too hard to get into those pants.

Evo Morales, the cocaine-farming president of Bolivia, is not married. He currently sleeps on his sister's floor on a mat made out of alpaca wool. We here at HPO can't help but to feel a bit sorry for old Evo, who is pictured below wearing a pretty sweet hat.

Yo quiero MAS!!!

In a recently-published interview, Evo astutely shows that he still knows how to dodge a few questions, before providing a more intimate look at the man who has called himself "America's Worst Nightmare":

SPIEGEL: The Americans are worried that Chavez is gaining too much influence. Aren't you making yourself dependent on Venezuela?

Morales: What unites us with Chavez is the concept of the integration of South America. This is the old dream of a great fatherland, a dream that existed even before the Spanish conquest, and Simon Bolivar fought for it later on. We want a South America modeled after the European Union, with a currency like the euro, one that's worth more than the dollar. Chavez's oil is unimportant for Bolivia. We only get diesel under favorable terms. But we are not dependent on Venezuela.We complement each other. Venezuela shares its wealth with other countries, but that doesn't make us subordinate.

SPIEGEL: The Latin American left is fracturing into a moderate, social democratic current, led by Lula and Bachelet, and a radical, populist movement represented by Castro, Chavez and yourself. Isn't Chavez dividing the continent?

Morales: There are social democrats and others who are marching more in the direction of equality, whether you call them socialists or communists. But at least Latin America no longer has racist or fascist presidents like it did in the past. Capitalism has only hurt Latin America.

SPIEGEL: How is your relationship with the United States? Do you plan to travel to Washington?

Morales: A meeting with (US President) George W. Bush is not planned. I do intend to travel to New York to visit the UN General Assembly. When I was still a member of parliament, the Americans didn't let me into the country. But heads of state don't need a visa to travel to the UN in New York.

SPIEGEL: You broke your nose while playing soccer a few weeks ago. Are you playing less these days?

Morales: Does my nose still look crooked? Playing sports has always been my greatest pleasure. I don't smoke, I hardly drink alcohol and I rarely dance, although I used to play the trumpet. Sports helped get me into the presidential palace. My first position in the union was that of sports secretary. I was head of a soccer club in the countryside when I was 13.

SPIEGEL: Why don't you wear a tie?

Morales: I never wore a tie voluntarily, even though I was forced to wear one for photos when I was young and for official events at school. I used to wrap my tie in a newspaper, and whenever the teacher checked I would quickly put it on again. I'm not used to it. Most Bolivians don't wear ties.

As we mentioned before, Evo lives with his sister, living the high life just like any other trumpet-playing Indian bachelor. However, we here at HPO decided that it would be good for Evo to find a nice woman and get hitched, because the old saying says, "behind every good man there is a good woman.

Candidate #1

• Paris Hilton - Easier to lay than a wheelbarrow of bricks, Paris would not only be a high-profile piece of arm candy for Evo to show off to his radical friends, but she epitomizes the Communist ideals that Morales loves. No man is too poor, too stupid, too ugly, or too much of a douchebag to be seen with Paris. She truly believes that all men are equal, and that each man should get his share

Candidate #2

• Jenna Bush

Billy never misses out on an opportunity - A DING DANG DOO!

Dubya's daughter would provide a great chance for Evo to build a bond with the American president. A slack-jawed alcoholic from Texas is a perfect choice for the Bolivian president - she could teach him a thing or two about juicing on the job, and he could teach her about the magic of the coca leaf.

Candidate #3

• Anna Haining Bates - She was Canada's largest woman. This giantess was six feet tall when she was just ten years old, and had a mean reputation for being able to bowl men over "like ninepins." Not only would Evo be getting a whole lotta women, he would also get a bodyguard capable of foiling capitalist assassination attempts. As the old saying goes, "she ain't a lady if she ain't 180." Landmonster.
  

Fuckin' fascist.

Candidate #4

• Lida Baarova - Barova, the Czech model with "magic beauty", was arguable the sexiest Nazi to walk the earth. Ever. Some people may argue that that Dr. Elsa Schneider was sexier, but we're not counting Indiana Jones Nazi's. Baarova was Joseph Goebbles' secret lover, and after the Nazi's blew it, she was persecuted and sentenced to death for sleeping with the enemy. Evo would stand no chance against the woman whose "beauty likely infatuated every man she met." They could take long romantic walks through the coca plantations, and spend the warm Bolivian nights playing parcheesi, or painting portraits of Fidel Castro.

Candidate #5

• Thumbelina - Thumbelina is famous for being "the world's smallest horse." While it is unlikely that even Evo Morales would marry a horse, he could at least walk around with the thing on a leash. Or, he could let that monkey that rides collies at rodeos ride around on it - that would surely score some points with the Bolivian voters. Thumbelina, who according to her official website is "smaller than many dogs", was born in 2001 and weighs in at a pint-sized 57 pounds. However, she seems to have no problems integrating with the normal-sized horses. She eats a cup of grain and a handful of hay a day, but it is unaware if they allow her to drink any alcohol like in that Japanese Drunken Horse Festival.

Comments on Wordly Affairs

Anti-Semitic cats.

Before we begin our ranting and raving, we'd like to again thank all of our readers for contributing with quality information for this post. And when we say quality information, we mean "things that are idiotic enough to be considered acceptable by the average reader of this site, whose IQ is equal to the average over-under line for an NFL game." Honorable mentions go out to the following HPO correspondants for helping with this post: Graham "Crackers" Stephen, Jelly "Girl's Name" Stacey, A.M. "my last name's Robinson, but I'm not black" Robinson, and the man known only as "The Blue Pig."

Our first entertaining find is a website called "Cats-that-look-like-Hitler-dot-com." If the name wasn't descriptive enough, we assure you that on this website, you will find many pictures of cats that look like Hitler. The picture above is the top-rated cat that looks like "he's going to get up and invade Poland."

But all jokes aside, we remind you all that Hitler was not a good man, and there is nothing funny about him at all... He was the cold-minded systematic architect of the murders of hundreds of thousands of innocent women and children. He was the devil. Which is also partly why we here at HPO bash men such as Fidel Castro and Evo Morales. Morales is one step away from Hugo Chavez, who is just one step away from al-Assad, who is one step away from Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. These are evil, evil men who could potentially be the next Hitlers, and we feel it is our duty to expose these evil, tyrannical dictators (and all cats who look like them).

Same barber?

But, in all honesty, that's a pretty amusing idea for a website. It's a lot better than that site about cats in sinks, which in our humble opinion would be a lot better if it was about cats in toilets.

Get her motor running, and she could suck-start a leaf blower.

All-American Hot Pipe Dr. Hunter S. Thompson once said, "I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs, and insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me." Well, a man known as the "Polish Borat" has taken this a step further, degenerating to random acts of sexual assault over in England. His defense, he claims, is that this sort of grab-assing is completely normal and wouldn't be considered disrespectful over in Poland.

Now, while it is a well known fact that Polish girls are the most beautiful in the world (Suck it, Nicaragua!), this type of raging perversion is probably a bad thing... But, then again, there are worse mistakes you can make (we're looking in your direction, Tennessee).

Real American Hot Pipes: Part II

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful glass of Wild Turkey?

As pointed out by HPO field man Vitas "don't call me Penis" Stanley, a glaring omission from the last post were two rock-solid Real American Hot Pipes. First off, we have Herb Kelleher, the New Jersey lawyer and founder of Southwest Airlines. A veteran abuser of mind-altering substances, Kelleher boasts an impressive resume: He came up with the idea for the airlines by making drunken scribbles on a cocktail napkin. Later, he set a record by drinking 14 whiskey-and-waters on a two hour flight in Texas. He has never taken himself or anybody else in his company too seriously, despite scandals within the ranks.

But allegations of naked pilots notwithstanding, Herb is a stand-up guy. He once challenged a rival to an arm-wrestling contest over rights to a slogan. Herb lost, and was carried off on a stretcher drinking - you guessed it - shots of Wild Turkey.

And, as our friend Neville found out over at his blog, Herb is not afraid to get his hands dirty. To quote Herb Kelleher himself, "If you ain't got culture, you ain't got shit."

Steve sucks 'em down like Coca Cola.

Steve "White Lightning" Dalkowski. The name itself is legendary, like Paul Bunyan, Davey Crockett, or Barbara Streisand. They called him "the man who could throw a strawberry through a locomotive." He was the hardest thrower in history, with a fastball that "looked like an airplane taking off." He once took a guy's ear off with a pitch.

But that ain't why he's in the HPO hall of fame. He's in because of what he did off the diamond.

Steve Dalkowski had an IQ of 60. "The more your talked to Dalkowski," said Earl Weaver, "the more confused he became."

He was notorious for never changing or washing his underwear or socks ("the whites"). He was even more notorious for alcoholism so helpless and depraved that many other men would have cracked.

Cal Ripken Sr. said, "Dalkowski could do some drinking. He just couldn't stop. He liked to stay out, drink and have some fun. He'd always be borrowing money to but booze and was broke from payday to payday."

One night, his teammates found him at the local saloon with 24 scotch-and-waters lined up before him. "Hey, guys, come over and look at this beautiful sight," he said. After drinking all 24, Steve stopped at the store on the way home and bought a jug of wine. "The next night they just carried him off the mound in the fourth inning," said Steve Barber, an ex-teammate.

Or the time he "got pretty lit" after a game and drove around town in a brand new Cadillac before crashing it into a police car.

Eventually, the alcohol got him. Suffering from psychotic dementia, Dalkowski eventually checked himself in for treatment. He shocked doctors by surviving, but cannot remember most of his life after 1964 due to the sauce.

EXTERNALS:

Wikipedia

Sports Hollywood

The Sporting News

Real American Hot Pipes

Bye bye brain.

A Hot Pipe is a man... A certain kind of man, that lives his life in a manner consistent with the doctrines of the Pipes. So, in an attempt to create a poor man's HPO Hall of Fame, we proudly introduce the "Real American Hot Pipes". Entry into this elite group is only possible after repeated displays of Pipes Behavior.

• Hunter S. Thompson - Drug abuser, lover of pro football, inspired journalist. For years, he habitually destroyed his physical and mental health in the worst ways possible. He once wrote: "It is all well and good for children and acid freaks to still believe in Santa Claus- but it is still a profoundly morbid day for us working professionals. It is unsettling to know that one out of every twenty people you meet on Xmas will be dead this time next year....Some people can accept this, and some can't. That is why God made whiskey, and also why Wild Turkey comes in $300 shaped canisters during most of the Christmas season."

• Ritchie Davis - 15 year old kid who repeatedly steals buses, and then drives the bus routes and picks up passengers. A testament to the culture and dignity of the working-class man.

• Scott Podsednik - A man who knows the meaning of the word "horsepound."

• Ernest Hemingway - A man who travelled the world, the things he did, he did them because he felt like it. Later in life, full-blown alcoholism took its toll, but Ernie managed to survive two plane crashes before taking a shotgun to his own head.

• Bill Murray

That's it for now. The list will be updated as we see fit. Dear readers, please "pipe" in with suggestions for the list.

King of the Road

He's a man of means.

We are dangerously close to getting our 20,000th visitor here at HPO.

What does this mean?

Well, above all else, it means there are roughly 20,000 people on this planet who are a bit stupider than they were before they read whatever they read on this site.

Since the humble beginnings of this forward-leaning blog, we have never tooted our own horn, nor have we become overly adamant about our self-proclaimed success (or lack thereof). Over the past 9 months, we have discussed many deeply philosophical worldly problems. We have tried to create an air of semi-professionalism, despite being amateurs, in the most basic sense of the word. This blog was featured in our favorite newspaper, but then again we were also called "the second-worst blog in East-Central Illinois" by a publication whose name we shan't mention.

When looking back at some of the finer work done here at HPO, many memorable posts come to mind:

• Tom Cruise
• monkey invaders
• raccoons-a-poppin
• Chicken Night
• Dougie

There have been many memorable characters since we started here at HPO, but our favorite nominee for "The Jackass of the Year Award" has to be the best damn fascist dictator since Big Daddy:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, that internet-banning, student-imprisoning, nuclear-weapon-manufacturing, Jew-hating, America-cursing, woman-oppressing, Russian collaborator and Middle Eastern hothead.

What's there not to be amused with?

Not only is Mahmoud a walking contradiction-in-terms, but he could very well be the man who will end up being responsible for the end of the world.

They're fuzzy and cute until they tear into your jugular.

After Mahmoud, our second-favorite politician has to be Evo Morales, the cocaine-farming Aymara president of Bolivia. Not only are South American political relations inherently amusing, but Evo always seems to be causing a commotion. That one time he dressed a little too casual for a meeting with the King of Spain, who himself is a deranged psychopathic monster that enjoys murdering innocent animals? Hilarity. Evo is a llama-herding, trumpet-playing walking clown show, and we love him here at HPO.

Plus, he's got that goofy haircut. It looks like his mom cuts his hair. Somebody issue a squirrel alert.