Thursday, October 26, 2006

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

A distant relative of all of us.

In light of all the politically-motivated garbage that we have been posting lately here at HPO, we have decided to put the ranting and raving aside and stick with what got us here in the first place: low-brow humor.

A big Hot Pipes thank you goes out to many of our faithful readers, who "piped" in to our mailbag with these great stories. Especially our New York correspondant, Ophelia Johnson.

First stop: Des Moines, Iowa. One of our cousins, a bonobo named Panbanisha (pictured above), pulled a fire alarm at some place called "The Great Ape Trust of Iowa." The bonobo, which is the closest relative to human beings, can be taught many things: How to communicate using symbols and language; how to be polite and trustworthy; how to throw their own poo with incredible distance and accuracy.

Anyways, the fire department showed up, and Panbanisha got yelled at for pulling the alarm. Look, people: If you don't want the damn apes pulling the fire alarms, don't put them in the ape enclosure, you idiots.

Sweet Lou.

Courtesy of The Onion, here is some breaking news about newly-hired Chicago Cubs manager, Lou Piniella:

CHICAGO - During his formal introduction as Cubs manager Tuesday, Lou Piniella announced that his first and only managerial decision will be to step down immediately and permanently from his new position - a bold, unexpected move that he successfully carried out just moments later. "My time in Chicago has been great, and it feels like it was just yesterday that I started this job, but I truly believe that this move will give me a better opportunity to win," Piniella said at the press conference while ceremoniously removing a Cubs hat and jersey. "I'm very excited about leaving this team." After the announcement, Cubs GM Jim Hendry praised Piniella's sound judgment and pure baseball instinct, saying that "his ability to make quick, smart decisions like this one is exactly why we hired him."

John Madden, meet Ethan Albright.

Ethan Albright is the long snapper for the Washington Redskins and the worst-rated player in the Madden 2007 video game. Understandably, Ethan got a little upset with Madden and decided to write him a fuck-you letter (Editor's note: We love fuck-you letters here at HPO).

Here's our favorite bit:

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever... except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It's also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fuck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. Fuck, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

Boom goes the dynamite!


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