Anne Hathaway Cares About Her Image

Excuse me Miss - do you have a license to carry those guns?

Anne Hathaway dumped her boyfriend a few weeks ago. This week, Anne Hathaway's boyfriend got arrested on wire fraud and money laundering charges. There was an FBI investifation into his investment business, and the official US court affidavit alleges that he stole over $4 million.

Hmmmm.... Very clever, Anne Hathaway. Either Anne Hathaway has the best timing ever. Or, Anne Hathaway knew about his shady little operation all along. Why else would Anne Hathaway break up with this guy? He is Italian, he has an obnoxious-sounding Italian name, and he spent thousands of dollars on food and luxury condos and Carribean vacations.

Anne Hathaway.

Sounds like Anne Hathaway was ready to marry this guy: "I enjoy living with him so much, but we're in his apartment and we've decided that it's time to find where our home is going to be. If we get a house as opposed to an apartment, the first two floors will be a bit more traditional for him to be able to receive people, and the top two floors will be whatever I want."

Yes, Anne Hathaway, we know you were quite fond of this guy.

So, can we really blame Anne Hathaway for dumping him just before Uncle Sam sets his bail at $21 million just to save her precious acting career? No, we can't. We can't blame Anne Hathaway. Because this guy just seems like a total douchebag. The obnoxious, self-promoting website. The total douche-face. His childish behavior in court (via the AP):

An angry Follieri repeatedly interrupted his lawyer at a court appearance to tell her what to say. He shook his head at times and, as a prosecutor accused him of owing various debts, called out: "We paid that."

After his court appearance, Follieri, who had been fighting a sinus infection, had "some sort of attack" and was taken to a hospital, said his publicist, Melanie Bonvicino. She said she did not have further information on his condition.

Now, we're not legal experts. In fact, we don't even know what the word "filibuster" means. But we're pretty sure "repeatedly interrupting" your lawyer at your own arraignment is not a good idea.

But the real victim in all this is not the good people who got scammed out of their hard-earned money. The real victim is poor Anne Hathaway, whose career may or may not suffer minor adverse side-effects as a result of this scandal. Being a Hollywood actress is a tough life, and we would hate for Anne Hathaway to have to lose any sleep over a senseless thing like multi-million dollar money laundering.

We will keep Anne Hathaway in our prayers, and ask that you do the same.

Swiss Fox Steals Purse, Escapes

Swiss police outfoxed by purse snatcher
BASEL, Switzerland (AFP) — Police in Switzerland managed to recover the handbag but the purse snatcher made his escape into the forest -- the cops had been outfoxed by a fox.
The incident happened Monday evening when police got a phone call from a woman saying a fox has stolen her handbag.
She was working on a small piece of communal land in Riehen, near the northern city of Bale, when she suddenly saw a fox running off with her handbag in its mouth.
The fox made off with her wallet and house keys, said police spokesman Nicolas Drechsler Tuesday.
A man tried to help running after the animal, "but the fox was too fast for him," Drechsler said.
When the police arrived, they searched and found the handbag under a bush, some 50 metres (yards) from where it was taken.
Police deducted that "the fox could not take the bag into its lair, the bag was too bulky," Drechsler said.
But there was no arrest. The foxy thief got away.

How Stupid Can You Actually Be?

Combined IQ = today's temperature in Fahrenheit.

As if Hulk Hogan's family hasn't suffered enough disgrace recently, his wife Linda lowered the bar even further in a 911 call to the police. She called police when she saw a suspected stalker parked in front of her house.

Now, the management of this website has no idea, no idea at all, how a person can actually be this stupid and moronic, but we actually have a link to a recording of the 911 call, which proves that this is all very real.

Linda: Now he's driving away. He's been ordered away because he's threatened my life before and I don't want him around. I'm shaking, I'm trembling. I'm following him until he leaves.

911: Okay, you said he left, or he is leaving?

Linda: Yeah he left, I'm following him right now.

911: Why are you following him?

Linda: I don’t know.

911: Stop following him!

After placing that 911 call, Linda Hogan spent her afternoon finger-painting and discussing how pretty horsies are. Then she tried to eat a rock.

G'day mate.

Our next news story comes from (big surprise!) Australia:

Australian man charged with driving wheelchair while drunk
SYDNEY (AFP) — An Australian man has been charged with driving his motorised wheelchair down a highway while drunk, police said Monday.
Motorists were forced to drive around the 64-year-old man after he fell asleep in an exit lane on the Captain Cook Highway in northern Queensland state at 10am on Friday.
When a passing police patrol woke him up he told them he had intended to drive 14 kilometres (nearly nine miles) to visit a friend.
He was given a breathalyser test and found to be more than six times over the legal limit for driving, police say.
"The vehicles that we normally hear about with drink-driving are the family car, the truck, the motorbike," Inspector Bob Waters told reporters.
"But there are also other classes of vehicles that are subject to drink-driving laws.
"People should be aware that drink-driving laws cover these kinds of vehicles, but also others like horses and bicycles.
The man was ordered to appear in court on July 7.

Don't you remember the first time you drank 17 beers and then decided to drive your wheelchair for ten miles down the highway to see your friend? Man, those were good times. All the decisions we made were so rational and sane. We were the next generation, the torch-bearers leading humanity into the 21st century.

Foot Mystery - UPDATE

This is starting to get a bit disturbing.

Allright - so we know that we just posted about this yesterday, but they just found another severed human foot on a beach in the Strait of Georgia, just off the coast of Vancouver. That makes six feet. Six!

Here is the latest news story:

Sixth human foot found in Canada

Another human foot encased in a running shoe has been found on the shores of British Columbia in Canada, the second this week and the sixth within a year.
Like four of the others it was a right foot, a police official said.
The foot was found near Campbell River on Vancouver Island and appeared to have been severed, a witness said.
Police, who are not speculating on this, are trying to determine the origins of the feet and whether they are any links between the discoveries.
The latest find was on Wednesday when a woman collecting rocks spotted a shoe-clad foot on a beach.
Another woman who manages a tourist campground at Campbell River, a fishing town on Vancouver Island, accompanied her to the spot.
"I could see two white bones sticking out of a black sneaker," Sandra Malone told the National Post newspaper.
"It was definitely severed, like it had been sawn off."
However, police are refusing to speculate on any possibility of foul play.
"In the first four cases, police have no evidence that the feet were severed. It is too early to say if this foot was severed," police spokeswoman Annie Linteau said.
On Monday, a left foot was found on another island off Vancouver.
Like the previous four, it is believed to have become detached at the ankle, in a process called disarticulation.
Forensic experts say it is not unusual for body parts to become separated after they have been in the water for a long time.
Running shoes help to preserve the remains and because the soles are buoyant, the feet are brought to the surface.

Scary and disturbing.

Timeline:

August 20, 2007 - A 12-year-old girl from Washington State discovered the first foot on a beach while boating with family on Jedidiah Island. It was reported she picked up one of five shoes scattered on the beach, untied the laces and found the foot inside. It was a right and blue right-footed "Campus" men's running shoe.

August 26, 2007 - A wine importer from Vancouver and her husband were finishing their hike on Gabriola Island when they discovered a black and white right-footed leather Reebok trainer in a size 12 with a partially decomposed right foot inside.

February 8, 2008 - A severed right foot was found inside a running shoe on Valdes Island south of Gabriola in the Strait of Georgia, in a location only accessible by float plane or boat.

May 22, 2008 - A passerby found a foot on Kirkland Island near the mouth of the Fraser River in Richmond, just south of Vancouver. It was a right foot.

June 16, 2008 - A human left foot was discovered on Westham Island in Ladner, B.C. The foot was said to be inside a left-footed Nike running shoe.

June 18, 2008 - A sixth foot was discovered near an RV park on the Campbell River shoreline. It is reportedly a right foot and was in a black and white running shoe.

I like feet.

OK - this has now become more than just a coincidence. This is downright crazy. There are no doubts anymore people: These feet have to have something in common. Ridiculous. And as recently as two days ago, police were dismissing theories that these feet were related in some way. Are you kidding?!?

"I could see two white bones sticking out of a black sneaker," said Sandra Malone, an eyewitness who saw the sixth foot. "It was definitely severed, like it had been sawn off."

That seems like pretty definitive evidence right there, from a first-hand eyewitness. But, not only are the authorities refusing to admit that these feet are all linked, they are holding fast to their story that a plane crash or other similar accident was responsible for all these feet. Originally, their thoughts were that this "accident" occurred somewhere up the Fraser River, but as we discussed yesterday, the location of the first five feet was inconsistent with that explanation.

But now, with the sixth foot being found much further to the northwest than the other five, that explanation goes out the window. Let's look at some other possibilities...

Asian tsunami victims - This theory contends that the feet were washed approximately 15,000 miles across the Pacific. If that were true, why are all the feet found within a hundred miles of each other? Why are the feet all in running shoes? And, why are five of the six feet right feet?

Organized crime - These feet are from victims of crimes, not necessarily related. But if this were true, why suddenly find 6 feet within 10 months? Surely there would have been some precedent... Again, why are all the feet in running shoes?

Boating accidents - This explanation argues that the feet are from unrelated boating accidents. Probably the worst of all possible explanations. What is this, "Naked Gun"?!? Are these investigators even real cops? Six feet from unrelated boating accidents? Yeah right...

Suitcase full of feet - This theory argues that some serial killer was carrying around a suitcase of severed feet and accidentally dropped it into the Strait of Georgia... This theory really makes the most sense, because it would explain why the feet have begun showing up only recently and in a limited geographical area. Also, some kind of sick Chuck Taylor fetish could explain why all the feet have been found in quality footwear.

Now, we can understand that the cops do not want to let the public know what they are thinking - closed evidence - but we here at HPO are seriously a-hopin' and a-prayin' that these law enforcement officers are doing their homework.

By God, Sir. I will not abide another toe!

The Plot Thickens

This is no coincidence.

About three weeks ago, we posted about the mysterious severed feet which have been washing ashore in British Columbia. Four feet had washed ashore then - but now, a fifth severed foot has been found. A special HPO thank-you goes out to our correspondent Anita Mandalay, who sent us this link:

5th human foot washes up on Canada coast

VANCOUVER, British Columbia (AP) — A fifth human foot in a year has washed ashore off the coast of British Columbia, and this time it's a left one.
Police said two people out for a walk spotted the left foot floating in water off Westham Island on Monday morning.
Delta Police Const. Sharlene Brooks said officials are working with the B.C. Coroner's office to see if this foot is linked to any other partial remains recovered in the province.
Westham Island is at the mouth of the Fraser River, about 15 miles south of Vancouver.
"A passerby noticed a shoe floating in the water, pulled it in and notified police," Brooks said. "We're treating it as a criminal investigation."
While the similarities to the other found feet is strong, she said there's no indication this foot is related to the other cases.
"We're certainly not discounting the possibility that this may be linked to the other recovered feet, but it's just too premature and very speculative for us to even entertain that right now," she said.
The last foot was found May 22 on Kirkland Island in the Fraser River, about one mile away from Monday's discovery.
The first in the series was found nearly a year ago on Jedidiah Island in the Strait of Georgia. Within days, another right foot was found inside a man's Reebok sneaker on nearby Gabriola Island. The third was found in the same area, on the east side of Valdez Island in early February.
The origin on any of the remains is still unknown.
"This might take a long time," Brooks said. "This is not CSI." She said in order to identify the foot, other remains from the body or identifying material such as a DNA would be needed. "It's going to be pretty difficult."
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police has said there's no evidence the feet were severed or removed from the victims' legs by force.
Curtis Ebbesmeyer, an oceanographer based in Seattle, Wash., said when a human body is submerged in the ocean, the main parts like arms, legs, hands, feet and the head are usually what come off the body.
He said his theory is that the feet came along as a result of an accident that might have happened up along the Fraser River, that washed down and spread out along the Straight of Georgia.
Ebbesmeyer said when the third foot was found the feet could have drifted from as far as 1,000 miles away. Ebbesmeyer said the feet could have been severed or detached from their bodies on their own.

Apparently, the Canadian police are still selling us their "plane crash" explanation, believing that all five feet belonged to people involved in some accident and that now, over a year later, the feet are turning up. If this is true, why has every single foot been in a sport shoe when it was found? Isn't that a bit strange?

Generally, we don't have too much faith in the way this investigation is being handled. Let's be realistic here - if we're really hypothesizing that the feet washed down the Fraser River from some accident which occurred there, how do you explain the location of the five feet?

View Larger Map

As you can clearly see from the map, the five severed feet have been found fairly close to each other in the Georgia Strait. Now, the Fraser River flows right through downtown Vancouver and empties into the Strait. However, the currents in the Georgia Strait usually push the silty run-off from the Frasier River to the south and east of the drainage - which conflicts with the locations of three of the feet, found to the north and to the west of the mouth of the river.

And, according to experts, currents and tidal patterns are not very good evidence:

The use of oceanographic science is not routinely used in investigation, but activated when other lines of inquiry are founding wanting. Use of experienced physical oceanographers in the early stages of inquiries into a water related deaths will save time and reduce the chance of false assumptions being made by investigators. The most appropriate personnel are those with a firm grounding in fieldwork as well as numerical techniques, rather than those who have only worked at the theoretical level. Such personnel should also be familiar with the integration of weather data with hydrodynamic simulations.

So, all that speculation that is being done by those genius oceanographers working with the Canadian police should be taken with a grain of salt - these are only theories, and pretty far-fetched ones at that.

Now, we have to assume that over the past few months of this investigation, the cops have pulled the files of all missing persons in BC over the past three years, focused on the ones missing from near the Fraser River or one of its tributaries, and tried to match the severed feet to those missing people.

But the real question is: Does the "upstream river accident" theory really make sense? We think the answer is "no". Which is why we're betting that the answer to this mystery is "serial killer"... Plain and simple.

We'll keep you posted on further developments.

Important News Stories

Buckle up.

OK, so Israel is gonna bomb Iran, we got that whole Darfur thing going on, and Mugabe is still reckless and out of control in Zimbabwe, but all that stuff has got to wait, because we only discuss important and globally-minded news stories on this blog.

Like this one, for instance:

Man, dog in car survive plunge down remote cliff

LONDON - Authorities said a man and his dog in a car survived a 200-foot fall down a remote cliff in southern England early Sunday morning. Local police believe the man was thrown clear of his vehicle when it fell halfway down the cliff, near the town of Swanage.

They said the man was found barely conscious near the crumpled wreckage of his vehicle. The car had crashed onto a large ledge on the cliff face. Both the man's legs were broken.
The coast guards say the man's dog, a black New Zealand sheepdog named Zin Zan, could not be found. The dog later made its own way home and was discovered underneath the kitchen table.

Now that's the type of ridiculousness that usually only comes from Australia. But, then again, it gives us a great opportunity to post a related Jack Handey video, which is too good of an opportunity to pass up. This one's a blast from the past.



Ah, Toonces. Where have you gone? You provided so many quality hours of comic relief with your carefree attitude and your cocksure alley-cattin'. What ever happened to the good old days, where any depiction of animals doing human things passed as reputable comedy?

A pattern is forming...

Sometimes, life is so hard. You can have so much responsibility in your life, so many things to take care of and so many different tasks to achieve, it can be hard to get anything done. Sometimes life is so hard.

But then, other times life is pretty easy. In fact, sometimes (usually through a stroke of luck or some other chance happening) life is so easy that you ONLY HAVE ONE THING THAT YOU NEED TO CONCENTRATE ON. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL - ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIT THERE. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND DECENT, HOW DIFFICULT CAN IT ACTUALLY BE?!?!?!

Sudoku-playing jurors ruin trial

SYDNEY (Reuters) - An Australian drugs trial lasting more than three months and costing taxpayers over A$1 million ($947,000) has been aborted after a number of jurors were found to have spent up to half the time playing Sudoku puzzles.

Sydney District Court Judge Peter Zahra cancelled the trial of two men on drugs conspiracy charges after the jury foreperson admitted that four to five jurors had been playing the addictive number sequence game, local media reported. The judge was alerted after some of the jurors were observed writing their notes vertically, rather than horizontally. The game involves completing a grid of numbers in the correct sequence.
One juror said the game helped them to pay more attention by keeping their mind busy.
"Some of the evidence is rather drawn out and I find it difficult to maintain my attention the whole time," the juror was quoted saying by the Australian Associated Press.
A new trial is expected to begin in a few weeks once a new jury has been called.

I'm Voting Republican

The rockets' red glare...

Do you want to know why HPO is voting Republican?

We are voting Republican because we really, really love bigoted WASP politicians who care more about lining their pockets than about the genuine good of their constituents.

We are voting Republican because we think it's a good idea to invest trillions of dollars in machines of destruction to bring pestilence and napalm fire to the entire globe.

We are voting Republican because we don't believe in infrastructure, mass transportation, alternative fuels, or educating the middle class.

We are voting Republican because Barry Obama really is a Muslim and a dunce and lacks character, experience, and decisiveness.

Fat Dog Seen From Space

He's like the Great Wall of China

Dog is so large owners could see it on Google Earth

A PET owner was stunned to discover that his dog was so fat, the porky pooch can be seen from outer space.
Fran Milner was astonished to find that 200lb bull mastiff Boris could clearly be seen on the Google Earth website.
The images on the site are taken by satellites 300-450 miles above the Earth.
Three-year-old Boris's brown bulk is clearly visible stretched out in his favourite position by a sundial on the front lawn, where he lounges for hours on end.
The massive mastiff lives with the Milner family in a seaside hotel and is now a celebrity among guests, who line up to have their picture taken with the "space dog".
Fran, 24, whose parents run the Tudor Grange Hotel in Bournemouth, Dorset, said "My brother-in-law decided to look at a satellite picture of our hotel.
"He noticed a big brown blob on the grass and realised it was Boris. He was in his favourite place. He loves lying there.
"We all had a look and couldn't believe it. I knew he was big but didn't think he was big enough to be seen from space."
The average weight of a bull mastiff is about 130 lbs but the Milners suspected Boris would be bigger because his dad was also huge. The full English breakfast he eats every morning probably also helps.
He has also had problems with his cruciate ligaments, which prevents him from walking long distances to exercise.
Fran added: "Boris gets on brilliantly with our guests because he is so gentle.
"They all want a picture. He's probably the most photographed dog in Bournemouth.
"Although, he can't do much exercise he loves swimming in the sea.
"But for the moment, he's doing what he loves best - lying by the sundial for hours on end."

And, for the next video:

Synopsis: Pleasant family outing to the Zoo turns into whoremongering bloodbath from hell as rabid chimp literally tears apart a living, breathing duckling with absolutely breathtaking force in front of scores of astonished children.

Actual Synopsis: Caught this 'hilarious camcorder catastrophe' moment a couple of months back at Whipsnade zoo with the kids. Chimp gets annoyed at ducks constant quacking, grabs a bunch of rocks, throws them at a duckling.

Friday

Hello, jugs.

Well, today is Friday - which for most of us means getting arrested. But it also means that tomorrow is Shabbaz, the Jewish day of rest. No elevators, no driving cars, no turning on the oven. And, you may recall, we went to a PARK IN BOTSWANA!

Now Wait A Minute...

Keep on truckin'!

Yearbook pictures can be devastating - that is a known fact of life. But it's not too often that the names are just as bad:

Yearbook "oops": spell-check lessons
By Lauren Boyer
Newhouse News Service
MIDDLETOWN, Pa. — Max Zupanovic is listed as "Max Supernova" in Middletown Area High School's yearbook.
William and Elizabeth Givler's last name is "Giver" in the book, and Cameron Bendgen's last name was changed to "Bandage." Student council member Kathy Carbaugh became "Kathy Airbag."
And Alessandra Ippolito isn't sure what to think after seeing a caption listing her as "Alexandria Impolite."
"It was kind of funny, but kind of rude at the same time," Ippolito said.
A computerized spell-checker used by a publishing company spelled trouble for the school's yearbook, Reflections, bestowing new names on several students.
Leslie Givler was shocked to see her children, William, a sophomore, and Elizabeth, a freshman, listed in a picture with their last name as "Giver." Leslie Givler said she paid $53 each for two yearbooks.
Four of the yearbook's 176 pages, which featured the school's band, chorus and student council, were affected, said co-editor Amanda Gummo.
Ed Patrick of Taylor Publishing, which printed the book, said that the company takes full responsibility for the errors and that yearbook mistakes are common.
Another yearbook published by Taylor, Red Land High School's The Heritage, was delivered recently with 16 pages plagued by missing photos, misspelled words and gibberish filler text.
Patrick said the final CD for the 16 pages in question was never received from the school. What happened to it is being investigated.
The company was willing to reprint the book, but that's not what school officials wanted, he said. Red Land High School and West Shore School District officials said a reprinting of just the 16 pages as a supplement was good enough.

Thanks a lot, Middletown Pennsylvania!! What other bright ideas do you have up your sleeves, you sly devils? But seriously, spellchecking people's names? That doesn't make too much sense. In fact, the only thing that makes less sense is the fact that we put "Barry" Obama's picture at the start of this post. Why didn't we use a picture of someone better looking? Keeley Hazell, anyone?

Three hots and a cot.

After reading this next story, we were pretty shocked. Seriously, this guy has more amenities in his prison cell than we do at our own house...

Brazil inmate had $173K, guns, TV, fridge in cell
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
SAO PAULO, Brazil -- The luxurious lifestyle of a convict in northeastern Brazil has come to an abrupt end after police confiscated a plasma TV set, gym equipment, two pistols and cash worth $173,000 from his cell, officials said Tuesday.
Bahia's Prison Affairs Department head Jose Francisco Leite said police raided the cell Monday in a statewide crackdown on drug trafficking.
He said Tuesday authorities have ordered an investigation of how of Genilson Lins da Silva got 280,000 reals ($173,000), two .38-caliber pistols and other amenities into his cell at the Bahia's Lemos Brito Penitentiary. Silva is serving 28 years for robbery and murder and was transferred to another prison.
Leite says Silva "led a posh prison life in his cell, which he occupied all by himself."

This one is completely absurd. They need to fire whoever is in charge of that prison... OK, we are perfectly aware that crime in Brazil is out of hand. But for fuck's sake - a plasma TV? In jail?

But hey, why stop there? Bring in a spaghetti machine and a Lay-Z-Boy and a loyal army of prostitutes. There are basic freedoms!

Hits Are Down

Excuse me Miss, do you have a license to carry those guns?

Hits are down. So we are resorting to our time-tested theory of T&A. Whatever.

So, here are a few of the keywords that people put into google over the past months that led them to our site. We remind you at this point in time that the following list is 100% real and not fake or documented in any way - real people, just like you and us and Barbara Streisand, are actually googling these key words:

Hot lesbian video online
Pregnant fucker
Playboy pipes
Paint horse ran through puddle
She fell over and crushed him with her big big big big big big massive heavy giant huge boobs
Drinking, hot pipes
Krista Guterman playboy
Hot Indian girls with big buttocks
Oscar de la Pollo
Youtube fat women puddles
Youtube school girls swimming in big puddles
Pipes and nipples
Hate australia
Playboy Pipes
Reasons to hate Australia
Dog breads puddle
Free porn video deep toad
Disturbing book boy drops flowerpot
Hoobabakanda
Degree hat tilt
Panda beer

Clearly, our favorite of all of those is hoobabakanda.

Who wants to play tickle-butt?

So, we received this email from a rather annoyed reader in our HPO mailbag the other day. This particular person is clearly a big fan of this website, and his letter touches on the subject of a post we wrote about a year ago:

Dear Ross McLochness,

You are one of the most closed-minded and bigoted people I have ever had the displeasure of getting to know. You should be ashamed of yourself and your crude, distasteful website. The only thing more pathetic than your unimaginative, cliched writing is the fact that your own life seems to be desolate and barren. Do you really need to resort to cheap jokes about people you have never even met before? Is that the only way you can feel like a real man, you pathetic depraved idiot?

Has Jim Edmonds ever done anything to you? Why do you feel you need to spread rumors about him which aren't true? Don't you have anything better to do with your time, you idiot?

Moreover, you seem to think that every man from Southern California is a homo-sexual. Nothing can be farther from the truth - there are plenty of hetero men in San Diego, Oceanside, and Laguna Beach. Where does all of your pent-up homo-hostility come from? Maybe you yourself have been having secret man-fantasies, and are too scared to admit it? Ross McLochness, you are degenerate internet troll who has nothing better to do with his free time other than bash good, honest people. You should be ashamed of yourseld. The thought of you alone makes me sick - YOU PATHETIC LOOSER (sic).

I hope you get hit by a bus. I hope you get hit by a bus and die. You are wasting good air with every breath you take - GET OFF MY PLANET and go straight to hell you homophobe. Your blog makes me sick - congratulations for lowering the IQ of every person who reads your boring writing. KISS MY ASS!!!

Sincerely,

Randy Portergrass

Well, well, well Randy... Let me guess - you must be from Southern California yourself. You ask why we make fun of random celebrities? Because fuck them, that's why. We pick on Jim Edmonds is because he is a queer and he has a fruity haircut. And, it the best statisticians in the world have empirically proven that the likelihood of a bare-assed locker-room towel-snap more than triples if Jim Edmonds is on that baseball team.

And we don't give a shit about the fact that nobody can prove that Jim Edmonds is gay - speculation has always been enough around these parts, and we'll be damned if we're gonna change that anytime soon.

So, here's what you can do for us today, Randy: Roll out of bed, put on your Axe body spray, shave your buttcheeks, grease up your hair, put on your ankle socks, pop your collar, get on your scooter, turn up the Celine Dion, and ride down to the smoothie shop where you work, you homo-sapien.

But spare me your crying and whining, Randy. If you don't like our website and our hatred for people from Southern California, then start your own blog about how great SoCal is.

And then we'll make fun of that too.

Monkeys Plan World Domination

Thanks a lot, University of Pittsburgh.

When monkeys run ruffshod over the planet and take over Earth in the near future, the only people to blame will be those genius scientists at the University of Pittsburgh. Isn't it humiliating enough that most major cities in India are already under the rule of the thumbless iron fist of our itenerant tree-dweller cousins? Do we really need more embarassment? Oh, the humanity!!

So, before you criticise us for bashing the faculty of that fine, fine learning institution in Pennsylvania, read this article:

Monkey uses brainwaves to control prosthetic arm

Scientists have trained monkeys to control a robotic arm using the power of their thoughts. The research, which involved wiring electrodes into the animals' brains, is aimed at producing controllable prosthetic limbs for patients with stroke, spinal cord injuries or neurodegenerative conditions.
The monkeys learned to feed themselves using the robotic arm and performed subtle movements such as approaching the food with the arm so as not to knock it over. The researchers believe the animals began to regard the arm as part of their own body.
Scientists have previously taught monkeys and human subjects to control a cursor on a screen or a simple grasping hand via their brain activity, but this is the first time experimenters have demonstrated that it is possible to perform complex behavioural tasks this way.
"In our research, we've demonstrated a higher level of precision, skill and learning," said Prof Andrew Schwartz at the University of Pittsburgh in Pennsylvania. "The monkey learns by first observing the movement, which activates his brain cells as if he were doing it ... like sports training, where trainers have athletes first imagine that they are performing the movements they desire."
The team, who report their research in Thursday's issue of Nature, first trained the macaque monkeys to retrieve marshmallows — a favourite treat — by using a joystick to control the prosthetic arm. Once they had mastered this, the team inserted electrodes into the animals' motor cortex and used brain signals there to control the arm's movement.

What's next?

Has the whole world gone crazy? Are we the only sane ones left? Since when do monkeys get to eat marshmallows?! Let alone marshmallows plucked by a robotic arm controlled by electrodes in their own brains!! The sheer stupidity of this nonsensical atrocity, despite hiding behind the tired defense of "prosperity in the name of science", is proof that the end of the world is closer than we suspected.

If the great men and women who founded America hundreds of years ago were still alive, what would they about crap like this? Ask any one of those great founding fathers - people like Abraham Lincoln, Susan B. Anthony, Benjamin Franklin, or Barbara Streisand - and they would give you the same answer: "Four score and seven years ago, monkeys was swangin' from trees." Do you think that George Washington ever dreamed that monkeys with robotic arms would be eating marshmallows at our most hallowed of educational institutions?!

If we're guilty of anything here at HPO, it may be the fact that we are too traditional. But hell, he believe that every animal has its purpose on this planet: Dogs are here to be loyal companions. Otters are here to swim around on their backs and do cute little human things with their paws. Whales are here to be hunted by Japanese people. Horses are here to be turned into glue. Dolphins are here to eat balloons. Mice are here to entertain us by playing musical instruments. Lobsters are here because they are incredibly tasty and delicious. And, monkeys are here to do a variety of things, but none of them includes marshmallows or robotic arms.

So, the moral of the story is that we're all on our way to hell. We're in the express lane, and we've got the pedal to the metal. The V12 engine is overheating and spewing out fumes as we careen down that one-way highway straight to the land of fire and sulphur. Leave the monkeys and apes alone to do the things they were put on this earth to do in the first place.

She Kidnapped Herself

You want a toe? I'll get you a toe.

Apparently, a bit of a mystery has been developing near Vancouver, British Columbia. Over the past several months, severed human feet have been washing up on shore of remote islands near the city. To date, four different feet have been found washed up on four different islands near Vancouver.

All four feet had socks on them.

All four feet had running shoes on them.

All four feet were right feet.

Here is the article:

Fourth right foot found off Canada's coast
VANCOUVER, British Columbia (AP) — For the fourth time in less than a year, a human foot in a running shoe has been found along the British Columbia coast.
Police said Friday that they don't know if there are any links between the cases of the four severed right feet found on island shorelines in the Vancouver region.
Authorities say they haven't reached any conclusions about the origin of the feet. But local speculation has been rife with some reports claiming they belonged to victims of violent crimes or a plane crash.
Police said a passer-by found the fourth human foot on Kirkland Island, about 15 miles south of Vancouver on Thursday.
"It's certainly a mystery we intend on solving," Police Constable Annie Linteau said. "It's certainly very unusual."
The first three feet washed ashore about 40 miles southwest of Vancouver on islands in the Strait of Georgia. The first foot was discovered last summer by beachcombers on Jedidiah Island. Days later, a foot was found inside a man's Reebok sneaker on nearby Gabriola Island. The remains of a third right foot were found on the east side of Valdez Island on Feb 8.
There is no evidence to suggest the foot — or any or the previous three — was forcibly removed, Linteau said.
"All four were wearing socks and were in a running shoe," Linteau said.
Two of the feet are size 12. Police have not released the size of the others.
British Columbia chief coroner Terry Smith said DNA profiles have been taken from the first three feet. He declined to comment on the investigation or the new finding.
Linteau said missing persons files were also being examined.
Curtis Ebbesmeyer, a former professor of oceanography at the University of Washington who studies floating objects, said when the third foot was found that the feet could have drifted from as far as 1,000 miles away. Ebbesmeyer said the feet could have been severed or detached from their bodies on their own.

Now so far, we have what appears to me to be a series of victimless crimes.

Is "plane crash" really the best explanation we have for this phenomenon? Apparently, it's the one that the authorities are giving us. The chance of four random feet being right feet (and not left feet) is one-half to the fourth power, aka 6.25%. When you add the fact that all four feet were clad in socks and gym shoes, the plot thins. No, wait - not thins. It thickens. THICKENS!

Other theories besides the plane crash? Serial killer. Boating accident. Great white shark with a taste for every part of a jogger except his right foot. Actually, there are many theories. But we like Matty's the best:

It's definitely a hockey player's foot. They just use the tennis shoe to cover up the fact that it was a hockey foot. They take junior hockey seriously up there, and if they can cut off the right foot of an opposing player, they can only compete in the disabled hockey program. This gives the non-disabled team a big advantage. On that note, you will see a few more Canadian skaters with one foot playing in the disabled hockey championships. They tend to have longer mullets to compensate aerodynamically to slumped right side of their body.

Now there's a theory that makes sense. Get that man on the investigation, ASAP. Whoever is charge of Canadian crime-solving, whether it's the Royal Mounted Police or Wayne Gretzky or Celine Dion, get Matty on the case.

The police are saying that DNA evidence is necessary to get to the bottom of this one. Law enforcement officials have been working around the clock on this case: "All we got is, it's a foot in a shoe," said Cpl. Nycki Basra.

Right.

We will spare you, dear readers, all the cheesy jokes a la "the shoe is on the other foot" and "those poor soles" and so on. But we do have to admit, we're a bit stumped here... We will keep you posted on new developments.

The Whole Spectrum

"I'm Mr. Yosuke Nakamura."

Today, we're going to run the entire gambit of animal behavior - from stunning and unbelievably advanced, all the way to murderous and blood-lusting.

Our first on-believable new story comes from Japan, where a lost parrot actually told a veterninarian his address and was safely re-united with his family:

Lost parrot tells veterinarian his address
TOKYO (AP) — When Yosuke the parrot flew out of his cage and got lost, he did exactly what he had been taught — recite his name and address to a stranger willing to help.
Police rescued the African grey parrot two weeks ago from a neighbor's roof in the city of Nagareyama, near Tokyo. After spending a night at the station, he was transferred to a nearby veterinary hospital while police searched for clues, local policeman Shinjiro Uemura said.
He kept mum with the cops, but began chatting after a few days with the vet.
"I'm Mr. Yosuke Nakamura," the bird told the veterinarian, according to Uemura. The parrot also provided his full home address, down to the street number, and even entertained the hospital staff by singing songs.
"We checked the address, and what do you know, a Nakamura family really lived there. So we told them we've found Yosuke," Uemura said.
The Nakamura family told police they had been teaching the bird its name and address for about two years.
But Yosuke apparently wasn't keen on opening up to police officials.
"I tried to be friendly and talked to him, but he completely ignored me," Uemura said.

The best is how the parrot didn't lose his cool and crack under the pressure of a police interview. We propose re-naming the parrot "Johnny Tight-Lips"...

Murderousness.

And, in a complete mirror-image of the last story, a rogue group of British mice have run roffshod over a remote island and have been brutally massacring rare endangered sea-birds. The albatross chicks are being eaten alive by the brutal and hungry mice, who are three times the size of the normal house mice and are described by experts as the biggest in the world.

Not having faced any predators in the history of the island, the birds do not know how to defend themselves, and the mice are free to do as they please:

Those who have witnessed the phenomenon say the mice attack at night either alone or in groups, gnawing through the nests to get at the baby birds. Their parents, who have never experienced predators, are unable to defend them.

What is horrifying ornithologists is that the British house mouse has somehow evolved, growing to up to three times the size of ordinary domestic house mice, and instead of surviving on a diet of insects and seeds, has adapted itself to become a carnivore, eating albatross, petrel and shearwater chicks alive in their nests. They are now believed to be the largest mice in the world. Yesterday Birdlife International, a global alliance of conservation groups, recognised that the mice, who are without predators themselves, are out of control and threatening to make extinct several of the world's rarest bird species.

To quote one of the prominent wildlife experts, Dr. Geoff Hilton: "It's like a tabby attacking a hippopotamus."

Our proposal for resolving this terrifying conservational crisis?

Easy:

Populate the island with highly-intelligent Japanese parrots armed with university-level vocabularies. The parrots could spend their days covering the islands with mousetraps, and then spend their evenings discussing Wittgenstein over games of parcheesi while drinking mint juleps.

Redonkulous

You have the right to remain...

When we were perusing today's newswire just to see what was out there, we came upon a gem of a story. Sometimes, one of these stories comes along that's just absolutely too good to be true - like something out of a bad comedy movie, it is so ridiculous that it simply must be true... Well, this is one of those. We would like to remind you at this time that the following news story is, in fact, completely true and 100% real.

Enjoy, dear readers:

Mexican donkey jailed for ornery behavior

TUXTLA GUTIERREZ, Mexico (AP) — A donkey is doing time in southern Mexico for assault and battery.
The animal was locked up at a local jail that normally holds people for public drunkenness and other disturbances after it bit and kicked two men near a ranch in Chiapas state, police said Monday.
Officer Sinar Gomez said the donkey will remain behind bars until its owner agrees to pay the men's medical bills.
"Around here, if someone commits a crime they are jailed," Gomez said — "no matter who they are."
The owner, Mauro Gutierrez, told The Associated Press he would try to reach a friendly arrangement to pay the men's bills, estimated at US$420 (euro270).
The victims said the donkey bit Genaro Vazquez, 63, in the chest on Sunday and then kicked 52-year-old Andres Hernandez as he tried to come to the rescue, fracturing his ankle.
"All of a sudden, the animal was on top of us like it was rabid," Hernandez said.
Police said it took a half-dozen men to control the enraged burro.
Chiapas police have thrown animals in the slammer before, including a bull that devoured corn crops and destroyed two wooden vending stands in March.
In 2006, a dog was locked up for 12 days after biting someone. His owners were fined US$18.

Let this be a warning to all the other trouble-causing unemployed animals of central Mexico: You are not above the law! Stray dogs, alleycats, turtles, and chickens beware - you freewheeling days of roaming around town like you own the place are over. Justice will be served, and no beast of burden will be spared. This hootin, hollerin, and honky-tonkin' must come to an end.

All of this animal violence has to stop!

In order to protect you, we are including some video clips of some of these animal hooligans in action, so that you know to avoid them when you see them:

Animal Cruelty

Hockey is a sport which teaches competetive instincts and teamwork.

If you take a large, full-grown bear and dress it up in hockey gear, give it a pair of skates and a hockey stick, and throw him out on the ice to have some old-fashioned fun, is there anything wrong with that? We certainly don't think so, but judge for yourselves:

We think this is hilarious. Some people would not agree. Some would call it "immature", "childish", or "a waste of time." Yet others may even go so far as to call it animal cruelty. So for all of you who think that a bear playing hockey is cruel, let me tell you something: If that bear wanted to, he could go berserk on that ice and tear both of those guys to pieces. Besides, it looks like the bear is actually having fun. Imitating his idol, Wayne Gretzky, the bear can finally realize his life-long dream of skating in front of a packed house.

Verdict: Definitely NOT animal cruelty. There are many, many things you could do to animals that are worse. Much, much worse.

Australia Still Sucks

TIA.

We found this story in our favorite newspaper today. Enjoy:

Driver buckles up beer, not child

An Australian motorist has been fined for putting a seatbelt around a case of beer instead of a five-year-old passenger.
Police who pulled over the man's car on the Ross highway, near the outback town of Alice Springs, found the child sitting unrestrained in the back of the vehicle.
Constable Wayne Burnett said he and a colleague were carrying out routine searches on vehicles entering Aboriginal communities, where alcohol is banned under a government crackdown as part of an attempt to stamp out child abuse.
"I really haven't seen something like this before," Burnett said. "Sure, we get beer out of vehicles that is being taken into restricted areas but this is the first time that the beer has taken priority over a child."
Burnett issued the driver with a $750 fine for failing to ensure a child was wearing a seatbelt and for driving a car that was unregistered and uninsured.
Four adults were in the car, two in the front seats and two in the back. The carton of beer, which contained 30 bottles, was strapped in between the two adults in the back. "The child was sitting in the lump in the centre, unrestrained," Burnett added.
Superintendent Sean Parnell, of Alice Springs police department, said: "This serves as a timely reminder to all drivers to ensure they wear seatbelts and ensure, as is their responsibility, that all passengers in their vehicle are secured in the appropriate manner."

Way to go, Australia. Just when we thought you were making forward progress up the staircase of decency and common sense, you trip and fall flat on your face. Then, you tumble back down the staircase into the dark, dirty basement of idiocy.

And now, some quality Dubya to close this post:

Man arrested in Texas for trying to cash $360 billion check

That's a lot of zeroes.

This one's from Texas:

FORT WORTH, Texas - Charles Ray Fuller must have been planning one big record company. The 21-year-old North Texas man was arrested last week for trying to cash a $360 billion check, saying he wanted to start a record business. Tellers at the Fort Worth bank were immediately suspicious — perhaps the 10 zeros on a personal check tipped them off.

Fuller, of suburban Crowley, was arrested on a forgery charge. He was released after posting $3,750 bail.

Fuller said his girlfriend's mother gave him the check to start a record business. But bank employees who contacted the account's owner said the woman told them she did not give him permission to take or cash the check.

In addition to the forgery count, Fuller was charged with unlawfully carrying a weapon and possessing marijuana. Officers reported finding less than two ounces of marijuana and a .25-caliber handgun and magazine in his pockets.

This is the type of bank robbery that you usually see in cartoons. Maybe somebody should inform this guy that anvils aren't toys and that mice aren't able to entertain us by playing musical instruments.

Changing gears completely, it's been quite a while since we posted anything about our main man Pan. So today, we have uploaded a video of Pan attempting to play tennis. While he's not exactly Pete Sampras, it's still pretty funny.

Naturally, we follow that video with footage of an elephant painting a picture:

Whiplash

Up, up, and away.

A Brazilian priest has been missing for four days after he tied himself to a couple hundred helium balloons and drifted off to sea. The priest performed this stunt to raise money for a local orphanage or something like that, but now it looks like the only thing he managed to accomplish was presenting a lucky shark with a nice meal.

Critics of his philanthropic mission claim that he grossly miscalculated the effect of the winds in that part of Brazil. His plan was to get blown inland from the coast, but the wind quickly took him out to sea.

Ok, we understand this guy is an experienced skydiver and had taken jungle survival training. We understand that he had taken one of these balloon flights earlier. We understand that he was equipped with a parachute, flight suit, helmet, and GPS system.

But your GPS won't save you from a shark looking at you and thinking "snack time."

Our sympathies are with this guy, and we hope that he makes it and all that, but come on - this stunt is about as stupid as trying to jump a tricycle over a pool of alligators.

Half the way down.

Here is an article we found on the internet today. This is pretty much the worst you could possibly do at your job. It's like a fireman burning down buildings or a garbageman littering.

Police officer sacked for sex on duty

LONDON - A Metropolitan Police officer has been ordered to resign after having sex with a prostitute whilst investigating a brothel.
The Independent Police Complaints Commission found Sergeant Manjit Johal guilty of misconduct.
The misconduct case heard how the married 43-year-old officer was supposed to be following up on reports that a Walthamstow premises was being used as a brothel.
Instead the IPCC said he had: "engaged in sexual activity with a sex worker. "It was alleged he even put a Community Police Officer on the front door as a look out.
Mr. Johal, who headed the local Community Police Team, faced four disciplinary charges. IPCC Commissioner Deborah Glass said: "The sergeant's behavior was disgraceful. He has brought shame on himself and his former colleagues."

Stereotype Friday

"I'm-a no look-a for trouble, because-a trouble, she's-a no good"

Since it's Friday, we have a special treat for you. We have selected a series of real-life news stories which highlight prominent social stereotypes of ethnic or geographic nature. The point is this: A lot of the times, racial stereotypes are completely bastardized and wrong. But sometimes, they are right on target.

And when they are, it can be pretty damn beautiful. In fact, it can be pure poetry in motion. So, dear readers, enjoy this cornicopia of real news stories highlighting social stereotypes.

A Russian in the "horizontal position".

Drunk Russian sleeps off knifing

A Russian man trying to sleep off a night of after-work drinking failed to notice a six-inch knife in his back - until his wife woke him up.
Yuri Lyalin, 53, took a bus home, ate breakfast and apparently slept like a baby before his spouse noticed a handle sticking out of his back.
He was rushed to casualty but doctors found no vital organs damaged.
Mr Lyalin shrugged the episode off but the drinking partner who stabbed him faces trial, Russian media report.
"Unique and intriguing the case may be, but the accused faces a severe punishment," said Pavel Vorobyov, a deputy prosecutor in the northern city of Vologda.
Mr Lyalin, an electrician, had spent the evening drinking with a watchman at his workplace when they got into an argument, Interfax news agency reports.
The morning found him waking up in the watchman's office but instead of going back to work, he decided to take the bus home.
At home, Mr Lyalin had some sausage from the fridge and lay down to sleep, the Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper says.
After a couple of hours, his wife noticed the handle sticking out of his back and called an ambulance.
Viktor Belov, a surgeon who treated him, found a kitchen knife in Mr Lyalin's back but "by good fortune, it had gone through soft tissue without touching vital organs".
His alleged attacker reported the crime to the police himself, Interfax adds. Mr Lyalin apparently feels fine and bears no ill-will.
"We were drinking and what doesn't happen when you're drunk?" he was quoted by Komsomolskaya Pravda as saying.

All Romanians are degenerate, abusive, gypsys.

Romanian fined for allegedly making 6,442 profane calls

BUCHAREST, Romania (AP) - A Romanian man has been fined for making 6,442 profane phone calls to an emergency number, police said Thursday. The 24-year-old man, who lives in a village in southern Romania, was identified in February and fined $223 in April after a checkup showed he was mentally sound, said Daniela Salaoru, police spokeswoman for Ialomita county police.
Police did not identify the caller. But the Evenimentul Zilei newspaper said he was a well-digger, and reported that he called the 112 emergency number from November to January to swear at the operators. He used a prepaid mobile phone, which does not immediately make it possible to identify the caller.
The newspaper said he denied he was the culprit. It reported that his mother said he was a loner and that she saw him talking on the phone a lot, but did not know with whom.
Romanian authorities say that over 90 percent of calls to 112 are hoaxes or non-emergencies. In November, the European Union, which Romania joined in 2007, threatened legal action against Romania for deficiencies in its 112 system, mainly the failure to locate callers who use mobile phones.
Romanian authorities say the system will begin to locate mobile callers this summer.

Indiana... Well, Indiana just kind of speaks for itself.

Truckload of human feces spills on Indiana roadway

CROWN POINT, Indiana (AP) - Indiana 55 has reopened after a truckload of human feces spilled onto the roadway in northwestern Indiana's Crown Point.
The driver told police he was hauling treated human feces from a water recycling plant in Portage when the load spilled about 10:30 a.m. Thursday.
The Lake County hazardous materials response team came to clean up the mess, along with the Crown Point Fire Department and Indiana State Police.
The northbound and southbound lanes of the highway were closed during the cleanup.
The Indiana Department of Transportation cited the driver for an unsecured load.