CAIRNS - Authorities in far north Queensland are outraged after a "sick joke" forced the humiliating rescue of a man who became stuck to the seat of a shopping centre toilet.
Police and community leaders have appealed for public help to find the prankster or pranksters responsible for the incident, which resulted in the 58-year-old man being taken to hospital.
Ambulance officers were called about 10.30am (AEST) on Saturday to rescue the man after he sat on toilet seat which had been smeared with a fast-acting adhesive.
He was forced to undergo the humiliation of leaving the Cairns Central shopping centre with the seat still attached to his behind, in full view of a busy crowd of Saturday morning shoppers.
Police say he was then taken to hospital where staff removed the fixture using industrial strength solvents.
The man is said to be extremely embarrassed by the ordeal.
Cairns City Council community safety committee chair Di Forsyth hit out at the offenders and called for members of the public to help identify them.
"I'm disgusted that a gentlemen has had to go through that because someone thinks it's funny - it's a sick joke," she told AAP.
"I think the community would be outraged and quite rightly so ... it's quite a dangerous prank."
Police are investigating the incident.Yeah, right. Whatever. You stupid Australians. This is just one little raindrop in the river of your ineptitude. Longer than the Nile, wider than the Amazon, and reeking of manure like the Ganges, is there no limit to Australia's crapulence?
When we first read the story of Janella Spears, a 60-year-old woman from a small town in Oregon, we laughed out loud. And we still laugh to this day.
From our favorite newspaper:
An American woman has revealed how she was swindled out of $400,000 (£269,000) by Nigerian internet fraudsters, in what is believed to be one of the biggest cases of its kind ever recorded.
Janella Spears, a registered nurse from Sweet Home, Oregon, said she started sending money to the scammers in 2005 after she received an email promising her several million dollars from a long-lost relative. In what is commonly known as a 419 scam - named after a section of the Nigerian criminal code - the fraudsters randomly contacted Spears over the internet, claiming they would offer her a substantial cut of $20.5m fortune in return for the cash injection which would help move it out of the country.
Despite advice from bank officials, police and even the FBI that the scheme was a ruse, Spears said she continued to send cash in the hope of a large pay-off. Even fake emails claiming to be from the President of Nigeria and US president George Bush could not dissuade her.
In the end she became obsessed and sent the fraudsters more than $400,000, which she raised by remortgaging her home and spending her husband's retirement savings.
Seems pretty dumb, right?
Well, it is pretty dumb. We understand that the fraudsters knew her grandfather's name, occupation, and some history. But to blow your house, car, and husband's retirement on a Nigerian fraud ring is pretty outrageous, especially considering a few key points of information:
1) Repeated warnings from her bank and the FBI that this was a scam
2) The fraudsters sent her letters which they claimed were written by George W Bush and the director of the FBI
3) The letters contained many suspicious grammatical and spelling mistakes
4) All email addresses used by the fraudsters were from public-domain websites (like yahoo)
We feel sorry for her, but this lady is pretty dumb. She got fooled by one of the oldest internet scams out there, and she missed a hell of a lot of signs which told her that this scam stunk. Almost all of us have received one of these scam emails before, and they all look the same: Strange names, even stranger events, suspicious email addresses, spelling mistakes.
A lot of red flags and warning signs.
So why did this lady go through with it? Quite simply put, Janella Spears allowed herself to be scammed because she so desparately wanted the news to be true. She wanted the money so bad that she would do anything to get it - including wasting away her hard-earned worth.
The wikipedia article, aside from being an interesting read, also provides some scary facts. She is lucky to have not ended up worse:
Victims are almost always requested to travel to Nigeria or a border country to complete a transaction. Individuals are often told that a visa will not be necessary to enter the country. The Nigerian con artists may then bribe airport officials to pass the victims through Immigration and Customs. Because it is a serious offence in Nigeria to enter without a valid visa, the victim's illegal entry may be used by the fraudsters as leverage to coerce the victims into releasing funds. Violence and threats of physical harm may be employed to further pressure victims.
According to the US State Department, 15 foreigners have been murdered as a result of this type of scam in Nigeria over the past 3 years - that's one person evey two months. This scam has become so bad that the State Department has said "Nigerian organized crime rings running fraud schemes through the mail and phone lines are now so large, they represent a serious financial threat to the country.” Moreover, the State Department claims that these financial fraud schemes are implicitly tied to the illegal drug trade, saying that approximately 35% of the world's heroin trade is controlled by Nigerian gangsters, possibly the same ones who bribed Mrs. Spears.
So, while we continue to laugh at the quite unintelligent Mrs. Spears, we are also quite happy that she never actually travelled to Nigeria in pursuit of the money. She could have ended up in big big trouble, and nobody would've wanted that.
Hidden-camera photo of the horrid conditions in Benton Federal "Hen-itentiary."
Equally disturbing is the sentence "Chickens aren't allowed to live in Benton." That's just charming. Police law banning chickens from their town? Sounds like fascism to us!!! You know, it's funny that Benton Police claim that chickens aren't allowed in their town - because a quick internet search revealed no less than three chicken restaurants in Benton, Illinois! The proof is in the pudding.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Benton. We hear you loud and clear: If it's fajitas or hot wings, bring on the poultry. But if it's a "troublesome" rooster, you run it out of town. Well, we sincerely hope you enjoy your communism, you degenerate low-life scumbags. Next time we drive through your crap-water, one-horse, po-dunk ghost town, we will not stop and say hello. We are ashamed. The King must be rolling over in his over-sized grave.
Our next animal story is downright disturbing. The headline reads "Jogger runs mile with rabid fox locked on her arm."
The headline is disturbing enough, but if you read the details of what happened, it gets worse:
The jogger, a Chino Valley resident, told the Animal Control Officer she was attacked while running a trail around 4:45 P.M. at the base of Granite Mountain. She was about a mile into her run, when she came upon a fox in a clearing adjacent to the trail. The fox did not initially appear aggressive, but as she backed away, he attacked by lunging at her feet. He bit her foot and then started towards her knee, at which time she grabbed him by the neck in an attempt to pull him away. When she did this, the fox bit into her arm and would not release his bite even as she tried to choke him. Assuming the fox was rabid and understanding that containing the animal for testing would be essential, she ran back towards car with the fox still maintaining a bite in her arm. Once at her car, she was able to pull the fox's jaw open, release his grip on her arm, and wrap the fox tightly in a sweatshirt she had been wearing. She threw the fox into the trunk of her car and drove quickly to Yavapai Regional Medical Center.
That's some scary shit right there. A pissed-off squirrel is scary enough, let alone a whoremongering fox from hell, blood-crazed and bent on revenge. Have scary stories taught us nothing? Why do you women continue jogging in the woods alone?
Whatever. This is one of the highest-rated youtube video clips of all time:
Red vs blue.
They came out and they voted. Nobody is suprised that the South voted McCain, and that New England voted Obama. Alaska, Hawaii, West Coast - according to plan. But because of states like Indiana, Iowa, Ohio, and Pennsylvania, the Republicans lost key electoral votes and the Democrats managed to sweep the Great Lakes/Big Ten area. Florida, notorious for the aforementioned clusterfuck back in 2000, proved momentarily contentious.
A statement was made, loudly and proudly. But, although the campaign has ended, the fight is just beginning. If the whole election was a hurdle for Barry Obama, then the next four years will be the remainder of the marathon. It certainly won't be getting any easier.
When we read the news today, we found one story that totally violated all laws of common sense and normal thinking. It just doesn't seem like a good idea.
But when we read this next story, we were truly shocked. Apparently, a "normal Australian family" (no need to explain why that one is in quotation marks) was served gelato with human feces in it at a well-known Australian pub. Allegedly, the family was given the gelato after repeatedly asking the staff at the pub to turn down the volume.
Jessica Whyte, the woman whose ice cream was pooed in, described the situation:
Later, this huge bowl of ice-cream arrived at our table as a 'sorry for all the hassle'.There were four scoops including vanilla, chocolate and hazelnut. At the bottom, there appeared to be chocolate. Greedily, I went for it ahead of the kids. Thank heavens I did. The stench, the taste … I spat the food into a napkin and immediately I was sick. There was no doubting what it was. The whole family became hysterical. My poor son screamed at one of their staff: 'You made my mum eat poo.'
Her husband, Stephen, was later approached by the restaurant owner and offered $5000 to keep quiet. His reply: "I think you're missing the point here. My wife and children sat down in your pub and were served a bowl of free ice-cream containing faeces."
While this is yet another shining example of the sparkling class and unquestionable dignity that has long been the trademark of traditional Australian culture, it also reminds us of the gay anthem"Gelato Cioccolato":
So, dear readers, once again, here we go.
Exhibit A: Gary Busey suffered severe and permanent brain damage from a motorcycle accident in 1988. Busey, who was not wearing a helmet, "underwent two hours of neurosurgery" following the one-vehicle incident. His wife, who had been with Busey since before their son was born 19 years prior, divorces Busey in 1990. His loving wife, his faithful companion for the better part of a quarter of a century, divorces him within 2 years of his motorcycle accident...
Exhibit B: According to our favorite newspaper (and according to Busey himself), the rock-bottom Gary Busey moment is when he dropped several bags of cocaine on the floor and his dog began rolling around in the shit. Busey, not missing a step, was quick to react, and describes the situation first hand:
And I went in like a crop-duster, with my nose flying first and snorted the cocaine off the dog... Back, butt, side. Not a spot was left. It took me 25 minutes to snort all the cocaine the dog had on her coat. The fringe benefits of this were that the fleas, the dog hair, the mud, and the sweat went in my nose, too. It's not a good flavour coming off the dog.
That's right, everyone, you heard it here first: Gary Busey snorted cocaine off his dog.
Exhibit C: "Tell 'em you're from Tennessee!"
8 years ago (we all remember this):
John McCain's is not very good at debating, but I think we all agree that his debate strategy was better than Sarah Palin's debate strategy. Aside from his idiotic remarks in Nashville, McCain has been making many other faux-pas along the way:
Aside from her mad hooping skills on the court, Palin is also a hell of an outdoorsman. Equally at home casting a dry fly into a sparkling-clean northern stream for rising salmon under the violet skies of a glorious Alaskan sunrise, or gracefully shooting timberwolves from the comfort of her very own helicopter, Palin never met an animal she couldn't kill. Look out, bull moose everywhere, because Sarah Palin is out there and she smells blood!
Per-doo was killin' Mich'gin err-lee on!
The irony here is shockingly disturbing.
After predicting Obama would select his running mate for political reasons, McCain then selects Sarah Palin as his running mate! Palin, a woman he had never met before in his life, is the most political pick he could have made. Ask yourself: "Did McCain pick Sarah Palin because she will make good decisions if elected, or did he pick her to win votes?"
To put things into perspective, look at Obama's running mate (Joseph "Joe" Biden), and ask yourself the same question. Obama, who has been criticized for lacking experience and foreign policy knowledge, picked Biden because he is experienced and very knowledgable about foreign policy. Biden is from Delaware, a state which doesn't really matter on election day.
Where's the politics in that?
There are a whole lot of things which don't really make sense in this election.
Seriously, who winks at the camera during the vice presidential debate? Is it a big joke? Is she hitting on the cameraman? It's a little bit insulting, really, to think that this kinda crap is acceptable to the American public.
Joe Biden was not much better, but at least he "kept it in his pants" and didn't resort to winking at the camera. He completely fell apart when inaccurately discussing the Middle East, his supposed strong suit. Had Palin any international knowledge whatsoever, she might have called him out on it. But no, she grinned, and took it, and even hit the sob-story button when wistfully proposing that the American embassy in Israel be moved to Jerusalem.
Hey, Palin... Listen up: If you had ever been to Israel before, you would know that Jerusalem is a dangerous place, right on the border with the Palestinians. The American embassy seems perfectly safe and secure right where it is now, on a busy Tel Aviv avenue, facing the white beaches which line the sparkling Mediterranean, miles away from the nearest security fence or West Bank checkpoint. Maybe if you bothered doing your homework, you would know these things.
OK, so here are some Sarah Palin quotes from the debate (NOTE: All quotes are REAL, and appear EXACTLY as Palin said them):
"Nice to meet you. Hey, can I call you Joe?"
"One thing that Americans do, at this time, also, though, is let's commit ourselves, just, everyday American people, Joe Six-pack, Hockey Moms across the nation, I think we need to band together and say 'Never Again.'"
"Uh, that is not so, but, because that's just a quick answer - I wanna talk about, again, uh, my... record on... energy, versus, your ticket's energy... ticket, also, uh."
"Certainly, accounting for different conditions in that different country and conditions are certainly different."
"Barack Obama had 94 opportunities to side on the people's side."
"But, here again, there have there have been so many changes, in the.. conditions of our economy, in just.. even these past weeks, says there has been more and more revelation made aware now to americans about the corruption and the greed on wall street."
"It is a crisis - it's a toxic mess on main street that's affecting wall street."
"I'm not one to attribute every man, uh, activity of man to the changes in the climate there is something to be said also, for man's activities but also for the cyclical temperature changes on our planet. But there are real changes goin' on in our climate. But I don't wanna argue about the causes."
"Barack Obama and Senator Obiden (sic) you have said no to everything"
"With tiny footprints, even on land, it is safe to drill"
"And heaven forbid, yes, that that would ever happen, um, no matter how this ends up, that that would EVER happen, with either party, um, as for disagreeing with John McCain, and how our administration would work, whaddya expect, a team of mavericks."