The Insanity Continues

The Iranian President stares at the bridge of his nose.

Our favorite middle-eastern dictator, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, showed a lighter side of his personality on Tuesday, declaring himself an exceptional chef who prepares "delicious" food. Dr. Ahmadinejad, typically seen as a Jew-hating radical tyrant, keeps his personal life very private, as his family is never seen in public.

"Of course what I make is delicious - ask everyone who has eaten it! I can make all the different kinds of soups and Iranian stews," said the president.

Aside from being good at cooking, Mahmoud also happens to be good at executing people:

Most Executions carried out in 2006 (according to Wikipedia)

1. China (at least 1,010 but could be as high as 8,000)
2. Iran (177)
3. Pakistan (82)
4. Iraq (at least 65)
5. Sudan (at least 65)
6. USA (53)

This is a sign that the world is ending soon.

In New York, home of the Jew, dog owners can now get swimming lessons for their dogs. That's right, you can now pay a bunch of money for some people to put your dog in a pool and teach it how to swim.

We here at HPO find this incredible, seeing as dogs instinctively know how to swim at the moment they are born!!!

Seriously, how stupid do you have to be to drive down to this place, pay them money, and then watch them lead your dog into a special doggie swimming pool and get molested by a "trained professional"??

According to the article, these same "trained professionals" refuse to admit that dogs are naturally able to swim: "That's a myth. Dogs don't naturally know how to swim, although some dogs do," said Stacy Alldredge, owner of the Manhattan dog spa.

Do you honestly expect us to believe that, Stacy Alldredge? Do you think we are all as stupid as the blue-nosers that actually fell for your two-bit swindle act, you degenerate con artist? Do the rest of the world a favor, Stacy Alldredge: Go jump in front of a bus. The last thing this planet needs is a money-sucking parasite like you walking the streets.

Cracking Under Pressure

What is going on here?

Is she really serious? Can somebody actually be this stupid? If you took Frankenstein and crossed him with an in-bred dalmation, Miss South Carolina would still be way stupider. If you look at the entire intelligence spectrum, on one end you have the owl in the graduation hat and glasses, and on the other end you have this stupid, stupid lady.

What the hell is she talking about?!? The question was about America, yet for some reason she goes on about South Africa and "the Iraq."

South Carolina is a pretty awful place...

Arkansas is way better.

If the Miss South Carolina video is a prime example of how not to think on your feet and react in a pressure situation, this video is a great example of how to get the job done.

Bill not only makes the heckler look like a complete jackass, but gets fired up and works the crowd like a true showman. God, do we miss Bill Clinton.

As far as we're concerned, he should be president-for-life.

Intense Concentration

This shit goes deep.

Oliver, a 9-year-old white-faced capuchin monkey at the Tupelo zoo in Mississippi, managed to unlock his own cage and escape from his pen.

He led park staff on a wild chase, but managed to escape. He apparently is really touch to catch, seeing as he is pretty agile (we are talking about a monkey, after all). Apparently, he can outrun a horse.

But, zoo officials remain optimistic: Park employee Ann Stewart said Oliver will respond to his own name and may take bait of bananas, marshmallow or grapes.

Good times.

A survey recently done by a bunch of geniuses down at the University of Texas spent a couple million dollars by performing a survey of 1,500 people asking them the age-old question, "Why do you have sex?"

And, shockingly, the number one answer was: "Because it feels good."

Hang on a second, University of Texas... You flushed six-figure amounts of money down the toilet to figure out that people have sex because it "feels good"?

Are you kidding? We could have told you that, and all it would have cost was the price of a late-model helicopter. Is this the kind of quack-work ghost research that gets funded down in the great state of Texas? Are there really people stupid enough to waste money this indiscriminately?

You human paraquats!

Hmmmm.... Let's see, we have known that people have sex because it feels good ever since... we were old enough to know what sex is. And, now we have some hee-hawing goat-shaggers from Texas telling us that they have empirical data to back it up. To that, we say: "Take your four-wheeler down to the nearest honky-tonk and have a couple more moonshines, you inbred degenerate Southerners."

But, incidentally, these were our two favorite responses to the "Why do people have sex?" survey:

"I wanted to give someone a sexually transmitted disease."

"I was offered drugs in exchange."