2007 NBA Draft

Yesterday was the NBA draft. In celebration of that fact, we thought we'd post this video, which really showcases some quality legitimate journalism.

Iran is Sensible and Full of Logic

Mahmoud uses the power of his beard to trick a Jew into agreeing with him.

Our favorite moronic sacrilegious dictator Middle-Eastern politician, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has again proved that he has an ace up his sleeve by instating a limit on gasoline consumption in Iran.

The country has vast oil reserves, and a gallon of automobile fuel costs around 38 cents. But, for some reason that we can't figure out, Dr. Ahmadinejad has made a law saying that nobody can buy more than 26 gallons of fuel a month.

What do the people of Iran think of this decision?

"This man, Ahmadinejad, has damaged all things. The timing of the rationing is just one case," said Reza Khorrami, a 27-year-old teacher

"Is this good timing, to announce rationing only three hours before it starts?" complained Ahmad Safai, a 30-year-old shopkeeper. "I had no gas in my car's tank when I heard the report."

Yes, it seems like the President may have lost his mind. Iran has some of the biggest oil reserves in the world, yet it is still severely lacking in production capabilities to harvest the wealth of petroleum buried underneath its land.

So, now an updated list of Dr. Ahmadinejad's political resume:

• He wants to "wipe Israel off the map" because of "the Zionist Regime's human responsibility for the oppressed people of Palestine"
• He also, coincidentally, wants to enrich uranium for "peaceful purposes"
• He wants to create a women-only island
• He kills gay people
• He throws teachers and students in jail
• He has sexual intercourse with sheep
• He instates a limit on the amount of gas you can buy in a month

Evo and Mahmoud.

Evo Morales, pictured above wearing a humorous hat, is a close friend of Dr. Ahmadinejad, pictured above indicating with his fingers how many Jews he feeds to his chickens every day.

In fact, Evo is planning a trip to Russia and Iran to try and sell some of Bolivia's oil to his sick and twisted buddies, Mahmoud and Putin. (Note: Given the fact that Evo Morales sleeps on his sister's couch and has his shirts ironed by his mother, we don't know how he is capable of planning a trip to the ice cream truck, let alone the middle east.)

Supposedly, the purpose of the tip is to push investment in Bolivian oil drilling onto Russia and Iran... But why would those countries want to do this? Doesn't Russia have its own problems to worry about?

Suspiciously, Evo's trip coincides with his good buddy Hugo Chavez's trip to Iran and Russia to purchase missiles for a new defense system...

This could get ugly, fast.

Return of the Douche

Unacceptable.

So, before we get on to the meat-and-potatoes of today's post, we first felt like we needed to mention a news story that we stumbled upon today. According to The Times of India, rats have been consuming large amounts of alcohol in warehouse storage, and it's getting to be a problem. Kundan Krishnan, a senior police officer in the area, summed it up best: "We are fed up with these drunken rats and cannot explain why they have suddenly turned to consumption of alcohol."

We can't explain it either, Kundan.

Duck, duck, DOUCHE!

Using the simple laws of mathematics, we can easily prove:

HAIR GEL + SWEATY FOREHEAD = DOUCHENESS

Which naturally leads one to:

(EARRING x 2) + PORCUPINE HAIRCUT + FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE = DOUCHEBAG

That picture comes to us courtesy of the good people down at hotchickswithdouchebags.com. If you are a longtime visitor of this site, than HCWDB will be nothing new to you, but today we stumbled upon a very interesting psychological conundrum regarding douches and douchebaggery.

One commenter from HCWDB, named "Douche Baggins," poses a very interesting question:

I was wondering if it is possible to turn your (douche)bagness on and off? In other words, would it be possible for a scrote to have vast amounts of douchitude one day, then the next clean up and be the Anti-Grieco, and when Friday night rolls around and a full moon imparts its light upon a Jersey boy he begins to transform into a grease-faced, porcupine-scalp, shocker-waving douche?

Or is it more like, "once a douche, always a douche?"

One commentor, "Voodoo Chile", provides his answer to the above question:

I believe that a non-bag can knowingly don douche apparel (haberdouchery--I will keep using it until it catches on) for legitimate purposes--amusement, infiltration, HC poaching--without going native. It is a dangerous game. Perhaps the most dangerous.

So, according to him, a true douchebag is like a chameleon that can cleverly change colors to ensure its survival...

"Baron Von Douchehausen" adds this bit of wisdom:

Douchebags, when they hear something they don't comprehend or if attention is turned their way, will always give a variation of the smirk. They think it makes them look wise and superior.

Also true. But the best answer, we believe, comes from "DB1", editor down at HCWDB. He shares his douchebag expertise:

When meditating and ruminating on the 'bag/not a 'bag duality, it is important to consider douchosity as a spiritual essence, and douche signifiers simply the manifestation of that essence. So once one has crossed over to 'Bag, one ceases to be un-'Bag in any meaningful way, whether the signs are there or not. Like any spiritual crossing, 'Bag remains 'Bag in either active or covert state.

There is a road back to un-'Bag for even the most polluted Jersey choad, but this process is complex and requires dedicated commitment to reform one's douchey ways. The keen 'Bag Hunter can usually spot dormant douchitude even in a scrote trying to hide. One must simply train the eye. The signs are always there.

Case closed, ladies and gentlemen. We agree one-hundred-and-ten percent. While it is possible, at least in theory, to observe a douchebag without overly-gelled hair, missing a bright-orange tan, and not wearing a hemp bracelet, it remains a fact that it's a lot easier to rid yourself of a pink shirt than it is to rid yourself of the essence of douchebag.

This douchebag is definitely rated PG-13.

If you happen to be a douchebag (or you happen to be from Miami), you can walk out of the house without a single one of your douche-cessories. But you're still a douche. The hair gel and tapered-leg pants will still be waiting for you when you get back home. They'll be in your douchebag closet, right next to your ankle socks and pink Nike bandana and your "It's Raining Men" CD.

Douchery is a stinky cologne.

Global Warming: Friend or Foe?

Thank god for Jessica Alba.

A while back, we received a letter in our mailbag from one of our readers, and we've procrastinated so long that it's embarassing. So, after much delay, here it is:

OK, so that thing about the toads in Australia reminded me that I saw this great TV show the other day.

Personally, I am getting so pissed off with all this global warming and carbon footprint bullshit. And I have never really believed it or taken any notice. But at the moment, it's all politicians and tree-hugging cunts talk about. And seeing as this is increasing my road tax and putting up the price of plane flights... These cunts are costing me money too!

So this was my opinion before the show and now after seeing it. It appears that all this hype about global warming was made up so that scientists in climate control could obtain grants and more and more people just jumped on the band wagon.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Great_Global_Warming_Swindle

It was a great show McLochness, and I would be really happy if you could mention it on hotpipes.

I dont know where you stand on tree-hugging but it's interesting anyway.

Random rant over.

Later

Well, there are certainly some interesting points to note there, and the Wikipedia article is good reading. So assuming that global warming is a bunch of made-up propaganda, what are the effects for us?

Well, if it means that temperatures are not going to keep increasing, that kind of sucks, because it means we will see a lot less of Jessica Alba prancing around beaches in her never-ending supply of quality swimwear. (Note, for more pictures of Jessica wearing quality swimwear, click here.)

But on the other hand, if global warming is indeed a huge lie, than why have we been led to believe that simple, traditional activities like driving around, leaving the air conditioner on full blast when you leave your house, and smoking are evil and are hurting the planet? Don't we, as humans, have the right to all the speedboats, lawnmowers, and helicopters we want?

What is this world coming to?

A ding dang doo...

But to sum things up, we here at HPO aren't really too concerned with global warming. We try to run this blog in an environmentally-friendly way, but sometimes it just ain't that easy. Besides, there are bigger problems in this world than just global warming.

For example, the fact that we are slowly destroying the world's oceans.

According to our favorite newspaper, the pressure of over-fishing has wiped out an alarming percentage of large marine animals, and in the next 50 years it is very likely that every single fish species that we currently rely on for food will be extinct.

This is scary, seeing as this world is getting more and more crowded, and there will be a whole hell of a lot of people that will be hungry in 50 years.

One scientist says: "There were always places that used to be too deep or dangerous, rough or remote to be fished. But the footprint of fishing has spread to the whole ocean and there's now hardly anywhere in the sea that is less than 2,000m deep that isn't fished."

Goodbye, tuna fish. See you later, salty cod. Hasta la vista, octopus. You had a good run, swordfish. But now it's over, and humans won... Again.

Is it too late? Can the situation be saved? Well, for starters, more of the ocean needs to be protected and designated as non-fishable. 12% of the world's land is environmentally protected, compared to only.006% of the oceans. But likely pushback from commercial fisherman makes any type of legislation difficult, if not impossible.

It's a shitty situation, but we believe that the blame clearly falls, as usual, on the Japanese. Enjoy your sharkfin soup and grilled baby dolphin, you pointy-headed bastards! We hope it tastes really fucking great, because you're slowly and surely destroying the world's oceans, you heartless, greedy devils.

Hello Washington.

But amidst all these ecological discussions, it's easy to forget the things that matter most in the crazy and wasteful world of ours. So enough political arguing and worrying about the future of the human race. Let's get back to more important matters: Jessica Alba and her vast amount of quality swimwear.

Keep up the good work, Alba. From what people have been saying, you're incredibly annoying and you are always a pain in the ass. But keep up the good work, and for the love of God, keep going to the beach.

Da Governator

Everyone knows Arnold is a manimal.

This guy is just a beast. There's really no other way of putting it. The above video, which is from the documentary Pumping Iron, shows Arnold training for the foregone conclusion that was the 1975 Mr. Olympia competition. Putting on an unforgettable performance, the future governor of California terminated his opponents, which included known names such as Lou Ferrigno, Ken Waller, and Franco "The Galloping Wop" Columbo. The man is just a beast.

Why can't our vacations be more like this? Wait a minute...

A big HPO thank you goes out to our New York correspondent, Ophelia Johnson, for finding that video clip.

If this clip teaches us anything, it's that Arnold is a very intelligent man, with a knack for adapting to foreign cultures. But we already knew that. What we didn't know, however, is that Arnold does not give a shit about the commonly-accepted rules of social behavior.

He just doesn't care. We counted at least four arrestable offenses in that video, some of them felonies. When we try to pull that kind of crap while on vacation, the police arrive, usually within 15 minutes. Neighbors get upset, children start crying, things fall apart... It just shouldn't happen.

The Colonel inspects his troops.

We have learned, courtesy of our Wikipedia expert known only as "The Blue Pig", that the Norwegian Army has a penguin that holds the rank of Colonel-In-Chief. Before you dismiss this story as nothing but a bunch of lies, please note the little penguin armband he is wearing, which holds his medal.

While the penguin, named Nils Olaf, has never actually served in military combat, he remains a highly respected field commander amongst his troops. Despite having literally no formal military training whatsoever, Norwegian still feel comfortable with a slightly overweight bird leading their boys into battle.

We personally think Sergeant Stubby would tear him apart, but Sergeant Stubby's taking a dirt nap, so I guess we'll never know.

Jack Handey Lives

He finally 'fessed up...

Now that years and years of rumors and speculation have finally been put to rest, all we have to say for ourselves is: "We told you so."

Thank you for coming clean, Mr. Handey.

Here is a recent article of his, published recently in Outside Magazine. The article can be found on Mr. Handey's official website. Enjoy.

My dream job would be professional corrector. I would go around correcting people and things. For instance, if I saw you skiing down a mountain and I didn't think you were skiing very well, I would yell out a correction, like, "Hey, man, ski better!" Or, if you were fishing, I might call out, "Hey, don't just stand there, catch a fish!"

For yelling out a correction to someone, I would get five hundred dollars. For just shaking my head derisively and smirking, that's only a hundred dollars. (So whoever's paying me for this dream job, you're getting a bargain right there.) I would also offer more detailed corrections, although I wouldn't actually do those myself. I would farm them out to a sub-corrector. I would only be a general corrector.

But I wouldn't be in it for the money. In fact, I would do this job for free.* My main joy would be in helping people. Let's say you’re at the beach and you call out to a surfer: "Next time, try standing up the whole way, instead of falling over, like you just did." Imagine the satisfaction of seeing the guy do just that. Or imagine the pride you would feel when the winner of the Tour de France publicly thanked you for his victory, because you told him to "Pedal faster!"

I know I said earlier that I would not only correct people, but also "things." But I'm not sure how you could do that. How could you move a mountain a little more to the left, or make flowers redder, or frogs hoppier? Talk to God? Good luck with that. In my experience, that guy is always trying to correct you.

*This is not true.

Large And In Charge

This was the only moment during the three hours that she wasn't eating.

Yesterday was the 2007 French Open Men's Final, a tennis clash-of-the-titans between Spanish whippersnapper Rafael Nadal and Swiss yawn-factory Roger Fededededererererer. The match was intense: Sizzling forehands, sledgehammer backhands, Rafael running the baseline with no signs of fatigue, Roger performing with the boring regularity that Swiss people are famous for.

But our enjoyment of the match was reduced to practically zero, due to the fact that the TV cameras repeatedly, repeatedly showed Federer's fat girlfriend (Miroslava Vavrinec) in the stands, her fat face jiggling like jello as she shouted fat words of encouragement to her boyfriend in her deep, rather fattish, baritone voice.

After managing to avoid vomiting, we somehow survived the repeated close-ups of her face without coughing up our spleen. How did she get so fat? What have they been feeding her? Does she wear a feed-bag?! A word of advice: Lay off the pudding, Lard-ass. Stuffing yourself with pie and ice cream is not the way to live through life.

This woman probably eats baby gorillas by the dozen.

What are you thinking, Roger Federer? Your girlfriend is a wolverine. Watching her parade around your bedroom in a thong must be like watching sea lions mating.

She is literally twice the size of him! You'd think that being the best tennis player in the world would give you the option of picking out a slightly more attractive woman, but Roger seems to be stuck like glue to this landmonster he's been dragging around. Pretty soon, a forklift will be the only way to get her up the stairs...

She reminds us of someone...

"They're out there operating without any decent restraint. Totally beyond the pale of any acceptable squirrel conduct."

We'd like to thank Koch for sending this article our way. It is one of the funniest ones have read in a while, so we will just go ahead and post the whole thing. But, we hope Russia learned a lesson from this tragic occurrence: Pine cone shortages can be very, very dangerous!

Russian squirrel pack 'kills dog'

Passers-by were too late to stop the attack by the black squirrels in a village in the far east, which reportedly lasted about a minute.
They are said to have scampered off at the sight of humans, some carrying pieces of flesh.
A pine cone shortage may have led the squirrels to seek other food sources, although scientists are sceptical.
The attack was reported in parkland in the centre of Lazo, a village in the Maritime Territory, and was witnessed by three local people.
A "big" stray dog was nosing about the trees and barking at squirrels hiding in branches overhead when a number of them suddenly descended and attacked, reports say. "They literally gutted the dog," local journalist Anastasia Trubitsina told Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper.
"When they saw the men, they scattered in different directions, taking pieces of their kill away with them."
Mikhail Tiyunov, a scientist in the region, said it was the first he had ever heard of such an attack.
While squirrels without sources of protein might attack birds' nests, he said, the idea of them chewing a dog to death was "absurd".
"If it really happened, things must be pretty bad in our forests," he added.
Komosmolskaya Pravda notes that in a previous incident this autumn chipmunks terrorised cats in a part of the territory.
A Lazo man who called himself only Mikhalich said there had been "no pine cones at all" in the local forests this year.
"The little beasts are agitated because they have nothing to eat," he added.

DON LAW

People From Texas Are Not Stupid At All

Bandit was the "fattest raccoon in the world."

Recently, a raccoon in Texas climbed into a power substation looking for food, but instead electrocuted himself and promptly knocked out all the power in downtown Houston. Citizens of the sprawling metropolis, while upset about the loss of electricity, attributed this unfortunate accident as just another case of "varmint" tomfoolery.

If anything, this proves that raccoons from Texas are just as brain-dead as people from Texas. Now, for all of you blue-nosers out there that are gonna try and tell us that raccoons are not intelligent creatures, shut your big, fat, stupid mouths.

We have seen, with our own eyes, raccoons unzip a tent, crawl inside, open the cooler, and start eating food, then get chased up a tree by a drunk Frenchman armed with a broom (true story, happened in Raccoon River, FL).

We have seen raccoons do amazing things that most humans would think were impossible!

Why are talking about this?

To prove a point: People from Texas are idiots.

Recently, a few Texicans got a little upset at the management of this website when we called George Dubya Bush a "jackass." They called us "unpatriotic" and "un-democratic." These Texicans claimed that Bush was a "genius," "born leader," and had "great foreign policy."

That last one made us laugh, especially when the Texican in question confessed that she couldn't name the political leader of any other country in the world except for the USA.

Slightly more than just a bit off-putting.

Besides, you in-bred, goat-fucking, ten-gallon-hat-wearing, hee-hawing Texicans, criticizing your government is one of the beauties of democracy. That's the whole point. And if the person that's leading your country is so sure of himself and of his beliefs that he can't admit he may be wrong, isn't that a bit scary? Do you really want him there? Are we actively participating, or are we blindly following?

In other news, Texicans also refuse to believe that dogs eat their own poo. To that, all we can say is: There's only one way to find out, and you'll just have to see for yourselves.

"I'd like your license, registration, and a chunk of my own crap, medium-rare please."

Besides, the world we are living in is so fucked-up now, that apparently you can get arrested for making faces at a dog. All we can say is, we're glad it's not yet illegal to throw mustard packets into the monkey pit at the Brookfield Zoo, and watch them smear it all over their faces and then fight each other over who gets to eat the mustard. Because if that were outlawed, we'd go down for seven to ten in the big house.

We thought this commercial was pretty funny.

But this commercial will only be funny if you lived in Cook County during the early 1990s.

Elephants and Mexicans are Very Sensible People

Feed your damn elephant.

According to a story featured in Reuters UK, an elephant in Pakistan has been beating his keeper whenever the elephant's meals are late.

That's right, an elephant is actually beating his keeper. Apparently, the elephant takes the keeper's cane in its trunk, and starts beating the bejesus out of the man until he gets fed.

The elephant, named Suzi, loves to eat. And, since elephants are fucking enormous, feeding them is not exactly cheap.

"We don't have enough funds to feed Suzi and its expenses are more than our budget," said zoo director Yousuf Pal.

Well, unless you want this ruthless elephant to keep squeezing people using brute elephant force, we suggest you come up with a bigger budget, so you can afford more peanuts for your violent elephant.

I want chicken, I want liver...

In other disturbing, illogical, can-this-really-be-true animal news, the body of a Mexican man was found in pieces on the roof of the food wholesaler where he worked. Apparently, according to witnesses, the man was "fatally mauled" by a lion and a tiger that these Mexicans kept on the roof of this building.

In addition to the lion and tiger, a macaw and an iguana were also kept on the roof.

According to some Mexican person, "These types of animals are definitely not apt to be pets."

See, that's kinda funny, because most people have enough sense to not keep a lion and a tiger on their roof... But apparently, in Mexico, it takes a person getting ripped to pieces by big cats for them to realize this.

Meltdowns can be good, wholesome fun.

Phillip Wellman showed some class with this one - he really did. First of all, he really puts his body into the hat spike, and gets some good bounce off the turf. Then, after some pretty solid name-calling and finger-pointing, he proceeds to do the best plate-covering act we have ever seen: Attention to detail, pristine form.

This man is a professional.

His toss of third base barely makes it past the infield, but then the army crawl behind the mound and the fake-grenade toss score a 9.5 for execution, a 8.5 for accuracy, and a 10 for originality.

Then he makes the unprecedented move of ejecting the umpire from the game, and finally carries two bases into the outfield before blowing kisses to the crowd on the way out.

Thank you, God.

Put A Leash On That Puppy

Zinnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg.....

So, as you can probably figure out, that is a video of Sarah "The Selfish Jew" Silverman heating Paris Hilton. While she cracks a couple of funny one-liners, and she gets a solid laugh out of the crowd, the real question that is on everybody's mind after watching that clip is:

Is Sarah Silverman attractive?

While the general consensus answer is usually "no" or "not particularly", the spectrum hits all the corners. Depending on who you ask, she is either the hottest woman to walk the earth, or she is the fugliest person to show their face in public since Kirsten "Snagglesaurus" Dunst. Really, it seems like nobody can quite agree. It's all up in the air. There have even been debates on the subject...

Some comments from the internets:

"She's not my type. I can see how some guys could like her, but she looks too much like a telephone pole for me to dig her."

"I've had better."

"Sarah Silverman is an ugly cunt."

"The manbrows need waxing. How about some lip collagen to cover up those those horse teeth? Her attire is just dreadful. Why Moe? Why?"

"She looks like a fucking rat."

"Find a feed-bag and a couple pounds of oats for that horse-lady! Brrrooooaaaa!!!"

"Someone better get a raccoon collar and knock that Jew's neckbone into place."

Ok, so they're not all over the spectrum. They're all negative. Every single one of them. Hell, that last comment about the racoon collar, we didn't even know what that meant, but we thought it was funny.

But in all fairness, she has shown some signs of hotness, for example here and here...

Kinda... We guess...

Anybody?!