Monday, June 11, 2007

Large And In Charge

This was the only moment during the three hours that she wasn't eating.
Yesterday was the 2007 French Open Men's Final, a tennis clash-of-the-titans between Spanish whippersnapper Rafael Nadal and Swiss yawn-factory Roger Fededededererererer. The match was intense: Sizzling forehands, sledgehammer backhands, Rafael running the baseline with no signs of fatigue, Roger performing with the boring regularity that Swiss people are famous for.
But our enjoyment of the match was reduced to practically zero, due to the fact that the TV cameras repeatedly, repeatedly showed Federer's fat girlfriend (Miroslava Vavrinec) in the stands, her fat face jiggling like jello as she shouted fat words of encouragement to her boyfriend in her deep, rather fattish, baritone voice.
After managing to avoid vomiting, we somehow survived the repeated close-ups of her face without coughing up our spleen. How did she get so fat? What have they been feeding her? Does she wear a feed-bag?! A word of advice: Lay off the pudding, Lard-ass. Stuffing yourself with pie and ice cream is not the way to live through life.
This woman probably eats baby gorillas by the dozen.
What are you thinking, Roger Federer? Your girlfriend is a wolverine. Watching her parade around your bedroom in a thong must be like watching sea lions mating.
She is literally twice the size of him! You'd think that being the best tennis player in the world would give you the option of picking out a slightly more attractive woman, but Roger seems to be stuck like glue to this landmonster he's been dragging around. Pretty soon, a forklift will be the only way to get her up the stairs...

"They're out there operating without any decent restraint. Totally beyond the pale of any acceptable squirrel conduct."

We'd like to thank Koch for sending this article our way. It is one of the funniest ones have read in a while, so we will just go ahead and post the whole thing. But, we hope Russia learned a lesson from this tragic occurrence: Pine cone shortages can be very, very dangerous!

Russian squirrel pack 'kills dog'

Passers-by were too late to stop the attack by the black squirrels in a village in the far east, which reportedly lasted about a minute.
They are said to have scampered off at the sight of humans, some carrying pieces of flesh.
A pine cone shortage may have led the squirrels to seek other food sources, although scientists are sceptical.
The attack was reported in parkland in the centre of Lazo, a village in the Maritime Territory, and was witnessed by three local people.
A "big" stray dog was nosing about the trees and barking at squirrels hiding in branches overhead when a number of them suddenly descended and attacked, reports say. "They literally gutted the dog," local journalist Anastasia Trubitsina told Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper.
"When they saw the men, they scattered in different directions, taking pieces of their kill away with them."
Mikhail Tiyunov, a scientist in the region, said it was the first he had ever heard of such an attack.
While squirrels without sources of protein might attack birds' nests, he said, the idea of them chewing a dog to death was "absurd".
"If it really happened, things must be pretty bad in our forests," he added.
Komosmolskaya Pravda notes that in a previous incident this autumn chipmunks terrorised cats in a part of the territory.
A Lazo man who called himself only Mikhalich said there had been "no pine cones at all" in the local forests this year.
"The little beasts are agitated because they have nothing to eat," he added.


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