Return of the Douche

Unacceptable.

So, before we get on to the meat-and-potatoes of today's post, we first felt like we needed to mention a news story that we stumbled upon today. According to The Times of India, rats have been consuming large amounts of alcohol in warehouse storage, and it's getting to be a problem. Kundan Krishnan, a senior police officer in the area, summed it up best: "We are fed up with these drunken rats and cannot explain why they have suddenly turned to consumption of alcohol."

We can't explain it either, Kundan.

Duck, duck, DOUCHE!

Using the simple laws of mathematics, we can easily prove:

HAIR GEL + SWEATY FOREHEAD = DOUCHENESS

Which naturally leads one to:

(EARRING x 2) + PORCUPINE HAIRCUT + FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE = DOUCHEBAG

That picture comes to us courtesy of the good people down at hotchickswithdouchebags.com. If you are a longtime visitor of this site, than HCWDB will be nothing new to you, but today we stumbled upon a very interesting psychological conundrum regarding douches and douchebaggery.

One commenter from HCWDB, named "Douche Baggins," poses a very interesting question:

I was wondering if it is possible to turn your (douche)bagness on and off? In other words, would it be possible for a scrote to have vast amounts of douchitude one day, then the next clean up and be the Anti-Grieco, and when Friday night rolls around and a full moon imparts its light upon a Jersey boy he begins to transform into a grease-faced, porcupine-scalp, shocker-waving douche?

Or is it more like, "once a douche, always a douche?"

One commentor, "Voodoo Chile", provides his answer to the above question:

I believe that a non-bag can knowingly don douche apparel (haberdouchery--I will keep using it until it catches on) for legitimate purposes--amusement, infiltration, HC poaching--without going native. It is a dangerous game. Perhaps the most dangerous.

So, according to him, a true douchebag is like a chameleon that can cleverly change colors to ensure its survival...

"Baron Von Douchehausen" adds this bit of wisdom:

Douchebags, when they hear something they don't comprehend or if attention is turned their way, will always give a variation of the smirk. They think it makes them look wise and superior.

Also true. But the best answer, we believe, comes from "DB1", editor down at HCWDB. He shares his douchebag expertise:

When meditating and ruminating on the 'bag/not a 'bag duality, it is important to consider douchosity as a spiritual essence, and douche signifiers simply the manifestation of that essence. So once one has crossed over to 'Bag, one ceases to be un-'Bag in any meaningful way, whether the signs are there or not. Like any spiritual crossing, 'Bag remains 'Bag in either active or covert state.

There is a road back to un-'Bag for even the most polluted Jersey choad, but this process is complex and requires dedicated commitment to reform one's douchey ways. The keen 'Bag Hunter can usually spot dormant douchitude even in a scrote trying to hide. One must simply train the eye. The signs are always there.

Case closed, ladies and gentlemen. We agree one-hundred-and-ten percent. While it is possible, at least in theory, to observe a douchebag without overly-gelled hair, missing a bright-orange tan, and not wearing a hemp bracelet, it remains a fact that it's a lot easier to rid yourself of a pink shirt than it is to rid yourself of the essence of douchebag.

This douchebag is definitely rated PG-13.

If you happen to be a douchebag (or you happen to be from Miami), you can walk out of the house without a single one of your douche-cessories. But you're still a douche. The hair gel and tapered-leg pants will still be waiting for you when you get back home. They'll be in your douchebag closet, right next to your ankle socks and pink Nike bandana and your "It's Raining Men" CD.

Douchery is a stinky cologne.