Friday, June 08, 2007

People From Texas Are Not Stupid At All

Bandit was the "fattest raccoon in the world."

Recently, a raccoon in Texas climbed into a power substation looking for food, but instead electrocuted himself and promptly knocked out all the power in downtown Houston. Citizens of the sprawling metropolis, while upset about the loss of electricity, attributed this unfortunate accident as just another case of "varmint" tomfoolery.

If anything, this proves that raccoons from Texas are just as brain-dead as people from Texas. Now, for all of you blue-nosers out there that are gonna try and tell us that raccoons are not intelligent creatures, shut your big, fat, stupid mouths.

We have seen, with our own eyes, raccoons unzip a tent, crawl inside, open the cooler, and start eating food, then get chased up a tree by a drunk Frenchman armed with a broom (true story, happened in Raccoon River, FL).

We have seen raccoons do amazing things that most humans would think were impossible!

Why are talking about this?

To prove a point: People from Texas are idiots.

Recently, a few Texicans got a little upset at the management of this website when we called George Dubya Bush a "jackass." They called us "unpatriotic" and "un-democratic." These Texicans claimed that Bush was a "genius," "born leader," and had "great foreign policy."

That last one made us laugh, especially when the Texican in question confessed that she couldn't name the political leader of any other country in the world except for the USA.

Slightly more than just a bit off-putting.

Besides, you in-bred, goat-fucking, ten-gallon-hat-wearing, hee-hawing Texicans, criticizing your government is one of the beauties of democracy. That's the whole point. And if the person that's leading your country is so sure of himself and of his beliefs that he can't admit he may be wrong, isn't that a bit scary? Do you really want him there? Are we actively participating, or are we blindly following?

In other news, Texicans also refuse to believe that dogs eat their own poo. To that, all we can say is: There's only one way to find out, and you'll just have to see for yourselves.

"I'd like your license, registration, and a chunk of my own crap, medium-rare please."

Besides, the world we are living in is so fucked-up now, that apparently you can get arrested for making faces at a dog. All we can say is, we're glad it's not yet illegal to throw mustard packets into the monkey pit at the Brookfield Zoo, and watch them smear it all over their faces and then fight each other over who gets to eat the mustard. Because if that were outlawed, we'd go down for seven to ten in the big house.

We thought this commercial was pretty funny.

But this commercial will only be funny if you lived in Cook County during the early 1990s.


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