Elephants and Mexicans are Very Sensible People

Feed your damn elephant.

According to a story featured in Reuters UK, an elephant in Pakistan has been beating his keeper whenever the elephant's meals are late.

That's right, an elephant is actually beating his keeper. Apparently, the elephant takes the keeper's cane in its trunk, and starts beating the bejesus out of the man until he gets fed.

The elephant, named Suzi, loves to eat. And, since elephants are fucking enormous, feeding them is not exactly cheap.

"We don't have enough funds to feed Suzi and its expenses are more than our budget," said zoo director Yousuf Pal.

Well, unless you want this ruthless elephant to keep squeezing people using brute elephant force, we suggest you come up with a bigger budget, so you can afford more peanuts for your violent elephant.

I want chicken, I want liver...

In other disturbing, illogical, can-this-really-be-true animal news, the body of a Mexican man was found in pieces on the roof of the food wholesaler where he worked. Apparently, according to witnesses, the man was "fatally mauled" by a lion and a tiger that these Mexicans kept on the roof of this building.

In addition to the lion and tiger, a macaw and an iguana were also kept on the roof.

According to some Mexican person, "These types of animals are definitely not apt to be pets."

See, that's kinda funny, because most people have enough sense to not keep a lion and a tiger on their roof... But apparently, in Mexico, it takes a person getting ripped to pieces by big cats for them to realize this.

Meltdowns can be good, wholesome fun.

Phillip Wellman showed some class with this one - he really did. First of all, he really puts his body into the hat spike, and gets some good bounce off the turf. Then, after some pretty solid name-calling and finger-pointing, he proceeds to do the best plate-covering act we have ever seen: Attention to detail, pristine form.

This man is a professional.

His toss of third base barely makes it past the infield, but then the army crawl behind the mound and the fake-grenade toss score a 9.5 for execution, a 8.5 for accuracy, and a 10 for originality.

Then he makes the unprecedented move of ejecting the umpire from the game, and finally carries two bases into the outfield before blowing kisses to the crowd on the way out.

Thank you, God.