Intense Concentration

This shit goes deep.

Oliver, a 9-year-old white-faced capuchin monkey at the Tupelo zoo in Mississippi, managed to unlock his own cage and escape from his pen.

He led park staff on a wild chase, but managed to escape. He apparently is really touch to catch, seeing as he is pretty agile (we are talking about a monkey, after all). Apparently, he can outrun a horse.

But, zoo officials remain optimistic: Park employee Ann Stewart said Oliver will respond to his own name and may take bait of bananas, marshmallow or grapes.

Good times.

A survey recently done by a bunch of geniuses down at the University of Texas spent a couple million dollars by performing a survey of 1,500 people asking them the age-old question, "Why do you have sex?"

And, shockingly, the number one answer was: "Because it feels good."

Hang on a second, University of Texas... You flushed six-figure amounts of money down the toilet to figure out that people have sex because it "feels good"?

Are you kidding? We could have told you that, and all it would have cost was the price of a late-model helicopter. Is this the kind of quack-work ghost research that gets funded down in the great state of Texas? Are there really people stupid enough to waste money this indiscriminately?

You human paraquats!

Hmmmm.... Let's see, we have known that people have sex because it feels good ever since... we were old enough to know what sex is. And, now we have some hee-hawing goat-shaggers from Texas telling us that they have empirical data to back it up. To that, we say: "Take your four-wheeler down to the nearest honky-tonk and have a couple more moonshines, you inbred degenerate Southerners."

But, incidentally, these were our two favorite responses to the "Why do people have sex?" survey:

"I wanted to give someone a sexually transmitted disease."

"I was offered drugs in exchange."