Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Tom Cruise is Nuts

Keep it in your pants, Cruise.

Over the past ten years or so, more and more convincing evidence has been surfacing that shows that blockbuster movie star Tom Cruise is, in fact, completely insane. Experts we are not, but you hardly need to be an expert to agree with the truth. In this case, we think that a circus monkey would jump up and down hyperactively in agreement. Since it is not a crime to be crazy, nobody's gonna be locking up this idiot anytime soon, but that's just fine with us. Let the proof keep rolling in. Laughing at other peoples' misfortunes has long been a staple here at HPO, but this Cruise guy just scares the living bejesus out of us, to be honest.

Here are just a couple of juicy nuggets of sweet truth that we came across during our daily research:

Exhibit A: Tom is a scientologist, meaning he believes in scientology.

If you actually read about that fake religion, you realize how much of a total moron you have to be to buy into it. But much more importantly, you just plain look like a retard whenever you use the word "scientology" in a sentence.

It's just not a word.


Exhibit B: Tom bought his own sonogram machine so he and his almost-as-crazy-as-he-is wife could watch their unborn fetus develop.

That's charming, Tom. Last time we checked, you weren't a practitioning nurse, meaning you're probably not qualified to be using professional medical equipment at your home on your wife and child, you jackass. We can only hope for the kid's sake that Tom doesn't go overboard with this whole 'pretending he's a doctor' thing and doesn't harm the poor child.

Exhibit C: Tom Cruise is a shitty tipper.

Exhibit D: People who are not totally nuts do not behave like this.

Tom shows off his non-gay belt loops for a crowd of teenage boys.

If you believe in any kind of god, be it Jah, Yahweh, Allah, Barbara Streisand, or even Cheebus, give thanks to them that the world isn't full of people like Tom Cruise, because it wouldn't be very much fun. We would all be deranged, short, and pretending we are doctors.


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