Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Steven Seagal is Nuts

Look at me when I talk to you, punk.

A fan favorite here at HPO is researching the darker sides of famous celebrities and determining whether they are, in fact, completely insane. This time, we have a gem for you faithful readers.

Today's addition to the celebrity insane asylum file is none other than Steven "Above the Law" Seagal. After doing some extensive research on him, a few things became apparent: Steven is, amongst other things, a sexual predator, violent lunatic, mafia piss-ant, pathological liar, and crappy musician.

We digress:

Exhibit A: Steven has ventured into blues music. And despite his best efforts to convince the listening public otherwise, this is no down-home Delta blues. His new album, which includes songs entitled "Alligator Ass", "She Dat Pretty", and "Talk to My Ass", is as overly pretentious as it is musically tasteless, and makes David Hasselhoff look like Diana Ross.

Here are some sample lyrics from Seagal's "Mojo Priest":

I got someone new

You and I are through

But baby we're cool

We're cool like a polar bear

When you see my new girlfriend

You're gonna have to change your underwear

He is currently on tour with his band, "Thunderbox."

Exhibit B: Seagal pulls no punches in the pursuit of perverse pleasures, say the numerous women who claim to have been sexually assaulted by the actor. The best first-hand account comes from South-Side native and blonde bombshell Jenny McCarthy:

"They were casting Playmates for Under Siege 2," she recalled. "I was the last audition, dressed frumpy and plain, the way I usually go, and I walk into his office and it's only Steven. His office has a huge shag carpet - shag, I'll repeat that, shag - and a huge screaming casting couch. Casting, casting, casting, casting couch. And he says, 'Listen, I can't tell what your body looks like with what you're wearing, so why don't you stand up and take off your dress?'"

"I started crying, and I said, 'My video's for sale for $14.99, go buy it if you want to see.' And I ran out to my car, and he grabbed my arm and followed me and said, 'Don't ever tell this to anybody.' I was like, 'Dude, you are gonna regret this one day."

It may be tempting, but sometimes you just gotta keep it in your pants.

Another woman interviewed anonymously by Vanity Fair claimed that Seagal made her sit on the same casting couch, and then took off her top and fondled her breasts, claiming he was looking for her "spiritual meridian points."

Let's get one thing straight: Scum-bunch moves like these are pulled by 14-year old boys and dirty old men. Seagal is a multi-millionaire, not to mention famous movie star. If you're Steven Seagal, there's gotta be better ways of getting a pair of cans in your hand than borderline molestation. Shame on you, Seagal.

Exhibit C: Seagal has numerous ties to Italian and Japanese mafia syndicates. The Gambino family was extorting a lot of money out of him, to be honest. To this day, it's not exactly clear what was going on. Thanks to the good people down at Court TV, the whole affair is meticulously documented and you can read all about it.


Exhibit D: Apparently, Seagal thinks he's King Shit. Always eager to prove that he is the most bad-ass martial-arts guy on the planet, Seagal has reportedly injured many stuntmen on the sets of his various movies. His go-to moves include kicking male stuntmen in the nuts to see if they are wearing cups, and manhandling men who claim to be martial arts experts. He broke Sean Connery's wrist demonstrating an Aikido wristlock on the set of "Never Say Never Again."

But, the highlight of it all is an unconfirmed report of the time that Seagal was on the receiving end of some heavy-duty martial arts. It's in the middle of the page, but it's there.

Conclusion: Steven Seagal is, in fact, completely nuts.


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