Saturday, February 10, 2007

Russell Crowe is Nuts

Does this man look sane to you?

We decided to do some good old fashioned research to find out if Russell Crowe is totally insane or not. After putting in some solid man-hours of labor, we came up with some good stuff.

Russell (or 'Russ' as we like to call him) reminds us of why we have always hated Australians in the first place. He is a womanizer, a drunk, a violent raging lunatic, and a sub-par actor. After reading the information below, you won't be able to disagree with us. Here we go.

Exhibit A: February, 2002. At a British acting awards dinners, Crowe drinks "numerous cans of Victoria's Bitter" before learning that a poem he had used for his acceptance speech had been cut from the re-broadcast of the awards.

Steaming drunk and fuming with rage, Crowe and two of his bodyguards drag the director of the awards into a back room, where Crowe backed the director against the wall. "I don't give a fuck who you are," said Crowe. "Who on earth had the fucking audacity to take out the best actors's poem? You fucking piece of shit, I'll make sure you never work in Hollywood."

Strong words, Russ. Way to defend your precious poem. Go pour another 15 pints of beer into yourself, you hooligan.

(Editor's note: We have learned that the poem that Russ tried to read was Anne Finch's "To a Husband")

Exhibit B: November 2003. At a party for Crowe's metrosexual blockbuster "Master and Commander", Russell furiously swore at a waitress after she offered him some salmon nibbles.

The waitress, Vanessa Boni, claims that she noticed Russell Crowe chatting with Sting, so she approached to offer him a salmon snack.

"I was in a special VIP room and offered him a snack," said Boni. "But he said to me, 'Fuck off, with your fucking salmon...' It was just outrageous."

Crowe, who had most likely been drinking for hours and hours before the dinner, should be ashamed of himself. Apparently, he has no recollection of his own childhood, because if he did, he might remember that both of his parents were caterers that served rich and pretentious clowns like him for a living.

When he's not blowdrying his hair, Russ enjoys beating the crap out of people.

Exhibit C: August 2002. At the opening party for the cast and crew of Crowe's movie, Russ attacks a co-star and throws him across the bar. We're guessing that Russell had drank himself stupid at this point.

Luckily, the brawl was short-lived, but Russ sunk to a new low: "Crowe had to be subdued by a muscular woman friend of another actor. She got him in a hammer lock."

Exhibit D: September 2002. Russ "challenged a group of drinkers in the Mexican resort of Rosarita to a fight" after they made fun of him. The men began methodically beating the bejesus out of Crowe until his personal trainer, Lourene Bevaart, stepped up to the plate.

Lourene dropped three of the guys and saved Russell's ass from a boatload of embarassment.

Do you see a pattern emerging here?

Exhibit E: Steve Martin cracks a joke about Russ at the Oscars.... Russell stares down Martin, buys a bottle of Wild Turkey, then waits for him in the parking lot:

Exhibit F: 1998, Alberta, Canada. Crowe is boozing it up heavily in a Canadian bar. According to witnesses, "Crowe had a few too many and blasted ice hockey as a sport for wimps. Locals warned him to shut up but he stood on a chair and branded Alberta 'boring.' That did it. The place erupted."

The police had to come rescue him from getting his head ripped off by "30 burly timber workers."

Exhibit G: August 2004. Crowe assaults his bodyguard on the set of one of Crowe's films. The bodyguard apparently took offense to Russell's advances on a female extra, so the two exchanged words. According to the bodyguard, Crowe attempted to bite him during the brawl: "He did take a nip at my chest - I was trying to smother him at the time."

Exhibit H: November 2002. Crowe is arrested by riot police after attacking one of New Zealand's wealthiest men, Eric Watson, in an upscale London restaurant. Apparently, Crowe and Watson have a history of bad blood ever since a woman got between them.

So, when ponytail-wearing Crowe spotted Watson, it was over. Apparently, earlier in the evening, Crowe was spotted "sinking pints of strong Stella Artois in a West End pub." Then, at the restaurant, Crowe "polished off a mountain of Japanese food" and began throwing plates around the restaurant before assaulting Watson in the restroom.

We remind you now that the restaurant where this is happening is one of the nicest, poshest restaurants in London.

The police found Crowe lying on the bathroom floor with the other man on top of him, pummelling him.

Conclusion: Russell Crowe is, in fact, completely nuts.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

get a life dude. you are no better than him.

10:51 PM  
Blogger vh2k6 said...

Russell Crowe is going to attempt to beat you for writing this, but you will subdue him in a matter of seconds.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Ross McLochness said...

Actually, I am better than Russell Crowe. Much, much better. And, I have never had a ponytail in my life.

2:03 PM  

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