Monday, July 24, 2006

James Brown is Nuts

Keep your cotton-pickin' fingers out of my curly hair.

We brought you Tom Cruise, Steven Seagal, and even Charlie Sheen. Now, for your entertainment pleasure, we document the hootin', hollerin', shotgun-toting, narcotics-inhaling whirlwind that is known as the Godfather of Soul. James Brown, the man who invented the moonwalk and is known to have sweated away up to 7 pounds per performance, is completely insane.

Exhibit A: Back in January of 2004, James was sued by one of his former employees for a rape that allegedly occured over 17 years ago. Lowering the bar for perverts, degenerates, and tramps everywhere, Brown purportedly raped this woman in the back of his van at shotgun-point, over on the side of a South Carolina highway. The part of the story that we love the most is his manager's comment: "This is just absurd and does not warrant any comment."

That's exactly what we were thinking.

By the way, his manager's first name is "SuperFrank."

Exhibit B: Our friends at TSG found this, a full-page divorce announcement that a coked-up James Brown ran in Variety magazine. The flagrant abuse of English grammar and punctuation in Mr. Brown's announcement almost overshadows the look of extremely sweaty constipation on James's face.


Exhibit C: Probably the most famous of Mr. Brown's meltdowns. He kicked the door in on an insurance salesmen's meeting, hopped-up on angel dust and toting a 12-gauge. Why did he kick the door in on this business meeting dressed in his bathrobe and slippers? Why, of course, because James was trying to figure out who had used his private toilet earlier.

Following this completly logical progression of events, drug-crazed James then took the police on a 12-mile high speed chase across state lines.

Drugs and shotguns? Yeeeeeeaaaaaaoowwww!
Exhibit D: Again turning to our friends at TSG, here is the official police report of another James Brown nutjob clusterfuck. Our favorite part of the report is when James's assistant claimed that "Mr. Brown hadn't been acting right lately."
Yeah, that's pretty accurate, as long as you define "not acting right" as "pumping extremely ludicrous amounts of drugs into your system with various deadly weapons lying around within your reach" and "lately" as "ever since you got arrested for armed robbery at age 16."
Exhibit E: To properly illustrate just how nuts James Brown is, please note that none of our previous insane celebrity posts have even had an "Exhibit E." James Brown has just broken the sound barrier.
TSG is a James Brown gold mine, and this time, they provide us with a copy of his tour rider, which specifies exactly what James and his crew will need. Which includes, according to the pages, a "186-inch limousine."
The four pages of that tour rider are, well, hilarious. And, whenever he travels, James requires an oxygen mask. We are honestly afraid to ask what for. Deadly afraid to ask.


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