Hot Pipes Online: The biggest toad in the puddle: Real American Hot Pipes: Part II

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful glass of Wild Turkey?

As pointed out by HPO field man Vitas "don't call me Penis" Stanley, a glaring omission from the last post were two rock-solid Real American Hot Pipes. First off, we have Herb Kelleher, the New Jersey lawyer and founder of Southwest Airlines. A veteran abuser of mind-altering substances, Kelleher boasts an impressive resume: He came up with the idea for the airlines by making drunken scribbles on a cocktail napkin. Later, he set a record by drinking 14 whiskey-and-waters on a two hour flight in Texas. He has never taken himself or anybody else in his company too seriously, despite scandals within the ranks.

But allegations of naked pilots notwithstanding, Herb is a stand-up guy. He once challenged a rival to an arm-wrestling contest over rights to a slogan. Herb lost, and was carried off on a stretcher drinking - you guessed it - shots of Wild Turkey.

And, as our friend Neville found out over at his blog, Herb is not afraid to get his hands dirty. To quote Herb Kelleher himself, "If you ain't got culture, you ain't got shit."

Steve sucks 'em down like Coca Cola.

Steve "White Lightning" Dalkowski. The name itself is legendary, like Paul Bunyan, Davey Crockett, or Barbara Streisand. They called him "the man who could throw a strawberry through a locomotive." He was the hardest thrower in history, with a fastball that "looked like an airplane taking off." He once took a guy's ear off with a pitch.

But that ain't why he's in the HPO hall of fame. He's in because of what he did off the diamond.

Steve Dalkowski had an IQ of 60. "The more your talked to Dalkowski," said Earl Weaver, "the more confused he became."

He was notorious for never changing or washing his underwear or socks ("the whites"). He was even more notorious for alcoholism so helpless and depraved that many other men would have cracked.

Cal Ripken Sr. said, "Dalkowski could do some drinking. He just couldn't stop. He liked to stay out, drink and have some fun. He'd always be borrowing money to but booze and was broke from payday to payday."

One night, his teammates found him at the local saloon with 24 scotch-and-waters lined up before him. "Hey, guys, come over and look at this beautiful sight," he said. After drinking all 24, Steve stopped at the store on the way home and bought a jug of wine. "The next night they just carried him off the mound in the fourth inning," said Steve Barber, an ex-teammate.

Or the time he "got pretty lit" after a game and drove around town in a brand new Cadillac before crashing it into a police car.

Eventually, the alcohol got him. Suffering from psychotic dementia, Dalkowski eventually checked himself in for treatment. He shocked doctors by surviving, but cannot remember most of his life after 1964 due to the sauce.