Friday, August 04, 2006

Planet of the Apes

You bastards.
For quite some time now, India has been fighting an increasingly difficult war against a formidable adversary: The monkey.
In just about every major Indian city, our monkey cousins have been causing much mischief. In Delhi, India's capital, the problem has hit rock-bottom. Millions of the monkeys roam the streets wild and free, raiding fridges, stealing alcohol, joyriding on buses, and breaking into office buildings and causing havoc. A few years back, a man was killed when a monkey dropped a flowerpot on his head from the roof of a skyscraper.
However, when a monkey "boarded a train at the underground Chawri Bazaar station" and terrorized passengers for 3 stops, the Indian people decided that enough was enough. To put the pesky monkeys in their place, they brought in gray langurs. Gray langurs have a mean disposition, and they hate monkeys so much that they attack them instantly. The langurs patrol the train stations, keep the "bad" monkeys away from the people, and get paid each month in bananas.
While this is a great idea for keeping monkeys off of trains, what is to be done about the monkeys that roam the streets? According to Hindu Magazine, all attempts by the government to control the monkeys have failed. They ship the monkeys away, but they just come back to the cities. They try to neuter them, they reproduce anyways. They wanted to build a giant park to keep all the monkeys in, but that idea was shot down too.
They can't kill the monkeys, since they are sacred in India.
While it is true that monkeys can be trained to do meaningful jobs, these city monkeys are way beyond the pale of any civility, even by monkey standards.
Thankfully, we here at HPO have a better idea for solving India's monkey problem, once and for all:

Send in the cavalry.

If anybody can straighten this thing out, it's gotta be Cleveland's best investigative reporter. He has a reputation for doing mop-up work, and those monkeys have no chance against the probing journalistic relentlessness of Carl Monday.


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