Tying the Knot

Not too hard to get into those pants.

Evo Morales, the cocaine-farming president of Bolivia, is not married. He currently sleeps on his sister's floor on a mat made out of alpaca wool. We here at HPO can't help but to feel a bit sorry for old Evo, who is pictured below wearing a pretty sweet hat.

Yo quiero MAS!!!

In a recently-published interview, Evo astutely shows that he still knows how to dodge a few questions, before providing a more intimate look at the man who has called himself "America's Worst Nightmare":

SPIEGEL: The Americans are worried that Chavez is gaining too much influence. Aren't you making yourself dependent on Venezuela?

Morales: What unites us with Chavez is the concept of the integration of South America. This is the old dream of a great fatherland, a dream that existed even before the Spanish conquest, and Simon Bolivar fought for it later on. We want a South America modeled after the European Union, with a currency like the euro, one that's worth more than the dollar. Chavez's oil is unimportant for Bolivia. We only get diesel under favorable terms. But we are not dependent on Venezuela.We complement each other. Venezuela shares its wealth with other countries, but that doesn't make us subordinate.

SPIEGEL: The Latin American left is fracturing into a moderate, social democratic current, led by Lula and Bachelet, and a radical, populist movement represented by Castro, Chavez and yourself. Isn't Chavez dividing the continent?

Morales: There are social democrats and others who are marching more in the direction of equality, whether you call them socialists or communists. But at least Latin America no longer has racist or fascist presidents like it did in the past. Capitalism has only hurt Latin America.

SPIEGEL: How is your relationship with the United States? Do you plan to travel to Washington?

Morales: A meeting with (US President) George W. Bush is not planned. I do intend to travel to New York to visit the UN General Assembly. When I was still a member of parliament, the Americans didn't let me into the country. But heads of state don't need a visa to travel to the UN in New York.

SPIEGEL: You broke your nose while playing soccer a few weeks ago. Are you playing less these days?

Morales: Does my nose still look crooked? Playing sports has always been my greatest pleasure. I don't smoke, I hardly drink alcohol and I rarely dance, although I used to play the trumpet. Sports helped get me into the presidential palace. My first position in the union was that of sports secretary. I was head of a soccer club in the countryside when I was 13.

SPIEGEL: Why don't you wear a tie?

Morales: I never wore a tie voluntarily, even though I was forced to wear one for photos when I was young and for official events at school. I used to wrap my tie in a newspaper, and whenever the teacher checked I would quickly put it on again. I'm not used to it. Most Bolivians don't wear ties.

As we mentioned before, Evo lives with his sister, living the high life just like any other trumpet-playing Indian bachelor. However, we here at HPO decided that it would be good for Evo to find a nice woman and get hitched, because the old saying says, "behind every good man there is a good woman.

Candidate #1

• Paris Hilton - Easier to lay than a wheelbarrow of bricks, Paris would not only be a high-profile piece of arm candy for Evo to show off to his radical friends, but she epitomizes the Communist ideals that Morales loves. No man is too poor, too stupid, too ugly, or too much of a douchebag to be seen with Paris. She truly believes that all men are equal, and that each man should get his share

Candidate #2

• Jenna Bush

Billy never misses out on an opportunity - A DING DANG DOO!

Dubya's daughter would provide a great chance for Evo to build a bond with the American president. A slack-jawed alcoholic from Texas is a perfect choice for the Bolivian president - she could teach him a thing or two about juicing on the job, and he could teach her about the magic of the coca leaf.

Candidate #3

• Anna Haining Bates - She was Canada's largest woman. This giantess was six feet tall when she was just ten years old, and had a mean reputation for being able to bowl men over "like ninepins." Not only would Evo be getting a whole lotta women, he would also get a bodyguard capable of foiling capitalist assassination attempts. As the old saying goes, "she ain't a lady if she ain't 180." Landmonster.
  

Fuckin' fascist.

Candidate #4

• Lida Baarova - Barova, the Czech model with "magic beauty", was arguable the sexiest Nazi to walk the earth. Ever. Some people may argue that that Dr. Elsa Schneider was sexier, but we're not counting Indiana Jones Nazi's. Baarova was Joseph Goebbles' secret lover, and after the Nazi's blew it, she was persecuted and sentenced to death for sleeping with the enemy. Evo would stand no chance against the woman whose "beauty likely infatuated every man she met." They could take long romantic walks through the coca plantations, and spend the warm Bolivian nights playing parcheesi, or painting portraits of Fidel Castro.

Candidate #5

• Thumbelina - Thumbelina is famous for being "the world's smallest horse." While it is unlikely that even Evo Morales would marry a horse, he could at least walk around with the thing on a leash. Or, he could let that monkey that rides collies at rodeos ride around on it - that would surely score some points with the Bolivian voters. Thumbelina, who according to her official website is "smaller than many dogs", was born in 2001 and weighs in at a pint-sized 57 pounds. However, she seems to have no problems integrating with the normal-sized horses. She eats a cup of grain and a handful of hay a day, but it is unaware if they allow her to drink any alcohol like in that Japanese Drunken Horse Festival.