Tying the Knot
Morales: There are social democrats and others who are marching more in the direction of equality, whether you call them socialists or communists. But at least Latin America no longer has racist or fascist presidents like it did in the past. Capitalism has only hurt Latin America.
As we mentioned before, Evo lives with his sister, living the high life just like any other trumpet-playing Indian bachelor. However, we here at HPO decided that it would be good for Evo to find a nice woman and get hitched, because the old saying says, "behind every good man there is a good woman.
- Paris Hilton - Easier to lay than a wheelbarrow of bricks, Paris would not only be a high-profile piece of arm candy for Evo to show off to his radical friends, but she epitomizes the Communist ideals that Morales loves. No man is too poor, too stupid, too ugly, or too much of a douchebag to be seen with Paris. She truly believes that all men are equal, and that each man should get his share
- Jenna Bush
Billy never misses out on an opportunity - A DING DANG DOO!
Dubya's daughter would provide a great chance for Evo to build a bond with the American president. A slack-jawed alcoholic from Texas is a perfect choice for the Bolivian president - she could teach him a thing or two about juicing on the job, and he could teach her about the magic of the coca leaf.
- Anna Haining Bates - She was Canada's largest woman. This giantess was six feet tall when she was just ten years old, and had a mean reputation for being able to bowl men over "like ninepins." Not only would Evo be getting a whole lotta women, he would also get a bodyguard capable of foiling capitalist assassination attempts. As the old saying goes, "she ain't a lady if she ain't 180." Landmonster.
- Lida Baarova - Barova, the Czech model with "magic beauty", was arguable the sexiest Nazi to walk the earth. Ever. Some people may argue that that Dr. Elsa Schneider was sexier, but we're not counting Indiana Jones Nazi's. Baarova was Joseph Goebbles' secret lover, and after the Nazi's blew it, she was persecuted and sentenced to death for sleeping with the enemy. Evo would stand no chance against the woman whose "beauty likely infatuated every man she met." They could take long romantic walks through the coca plantations, and spend the warm Bolivian nights playing parcheesi, or painting portraits of Fidel Castro.
- Thumbelina - Thumbelina is famous for being "the world's smallest horse." While it is unlikely that even Evo Morales would marry a horse, he could at least walk around with the thing on a leash. Or, he could let that monkey that rides collies at rodeos ride around on it - that would surely score some points with the Bolivian voters. Thumbelina, who according to her official website is "smaller than many dogs", was born in 2001 and weighs in at a pint-sized 57 pounds. However, she seems to have no problems integrating with the normal-sized horses. She eats a cup of grain and a handful of hay a day, but it is unaware if they allow her to drink any alcohol like in that Japanese Drunken Horse Festival.