Craptacular

Instead of not smoking at all, why not smoke four cigarettes at once?

Sometimes, we feel like the whole entire world has gone crazy, and out of the however-many billion people on this earth, we are the only sane ones left. Really. For example, meet Phillip Dale Williams. He is a Virginia resident who claims to be in "social marketing", but the only tangible job that we can confirm him having involves "Douglas 'Dude' Cigarette", a character that he created 10 years ago.

Dude Cigarette is a giant walking cigarette who wears a sports jersey and raps to kids about the dangers of smoking. Incidentally, we tried to access Dude Cigarette's website, but it has apparently been hacked into by a bunch of computer geeks with too much time on their hands. Anyways, Dude Cigarette's job consists of making a bunch of public appearances and trying to appear semi-reasonable.

But, like all stories of this nature, it wouldn't be complete without an element of scandalousness (cue the clown music). So, as it turns out, "Dude Cigarette" is a bigamist. After what we're sure was a very professional investigation by one of his wives, LaShawn, she found out that he has three other wives. Now he's facing 10 years in the big house because he married four women at once. Apparently, Dude Cigarette ain't able to swing his nuts unless he's got more than one mule kicking in his barn.

Again, cue the clown music.

Christian Adam is in the Guiness Book of World Records. He holds the record for "cycling backwards with violin." From what we gathered from his internet page, apparently he takes a bike, puts one of those sheet-music-holder things where the seat should be, sits on the handlebars, starts pedaling and playing the violin, and steers with his ass.

He managed to bike backwards for about 33 miles while playing the violin. The world record for cycling without a violin is about 61 miles. However, one should remember that it is really, really hard to play the violin, and it is extremely difficult to steer a bike backwards with your ass; so doing them at the same time is probably damn near impossible. All in all, we'd like to wish Mr. Adam the best, and at this point we'd like to say that it's a great day for the entire human race when we can all just re- HUGH!!!!!!!!!!

Arnold es numero uno.

After reading this sad, tragic story, we realized that life just sometimes ain't fair. But, in all honesty, to be fair to Mr. Wooten, if you and your wife are the only people that voted for you, it doesn't really make sense for you to be the mayor of your town. It probably means that you're a douchebag who doesn't know when to call it quits.