Sometimes, we feel like the whole entire world has gone crazy, and out of the however-many billion people on this earth, we are the only sane ones left. Really. For example, meet Phillip Dale Williams. He is a Virginia resident who claims to be in "social marketing", but the only tangible job that we can confirm him having involves "Douglas 'Dude' Cigarette", a character that he created 10 years ago.
Dude Cigarette is a giant walking cigarette who wears a sports jersey and raps to kids about the dangers of smoking. Incidentally, we tried to access Dude Cigarette's website, but it has apparently been hacked into by a bunch of computer geeks with too much time on their hands. Anyways, Dude Cigarette's job consists of making a bunch of public appearances and trying to appear semi-reasonable.
But, like all stories of this nature, it wouldn't be complete without an element of scandalousness (cue the clown music). So, as it turns out, "Dude Cigarette" is a bigamist. After what we're sure was a very professional investigation by one of his wives, LaShawn, she found out that he has three other wives. Now he's facing 10 years in the big house because he married four women at once. Apparently, Dude Cigarette ain't able to swing his nuts unless he's got more than one mule kicking in his barn.
After reading this sad, tragic story, we realized that life just sometimes ain't fair. But, in all honesty, to be fair to Mr. Wooten, if you and your wife are the only people that voted for you, it doesn't really make sense for you to be the mayor of your town. It probably means that you're a douchebag who doesn't know when to call it quits.