My Raccoon Has Hepatitis...

The most dangerous animal known to man.

An angry pack of raccoons has taken the city of Olympia, Washington, by storm. They roam the streets, in packs of four or five, assaulting household pets and biting people. The raccoons come every year, but there have never been problems of this magnitude before.

The citizens of the area that is under raccoon attack have formed a neighborhood watch, and it is now standard to leave the house armed with pepper spray. One woman even carries an iron pipe whenever she leaves the house!

Raccoons are pretty scandalous by nature, when you think about it. They make crappy pets, they make a living out of breaking into chimneys and trash cans, and they can tear a camp site into a sloppy mess in under ten minutes.

But these raccoons in Washington, these "urban raccoons," are a horse of a different color. According to citizens, they "are not afraid."

They "went nuts" and killed 10 cats.

One of them, the alleged ring leader of this raccoon band, has been reported as "the biggest raccoon I've ever seen."

"He was a monster," they say.

But what is being done about these raccoon attacks? Well, right now, not too much. The wildlife control agent assigned to the case was quoted as saying, "They are in command up there."

And now, a bit of Borat: