Beetis Update
We found more...
"Many dogs" are larger than this horse.
Well, we were thinking of buying a miniature horse, until we actually did some research. It turns out that most miniature horses cost upwards of $1,500... And that's just for some average, non-accomplished joe-schmoe miniature. A horse with any type of prestigious pedigree costs a lot more than that - and any semi-legitimate champion miniature thoroughbred can cost as much as a car.
So, needless to say, we withdrew our bid for purchasing a horse... Especially since one could purchase any of a number of monkeys for the same price, and considering that miniature horses are not exactly the best-behaved beasts in the barnyard.
OK, we understand the problem, but who shoots a miniature horse? Come on, jackass. If your full-size horses are getting injured by a miniature horse, you don't need to shoot the miniature horse; you need to shoot your own horses.
It's like a midget roughing up Mike Tyson... It ain't the midget's problem, that's for sure.
"Drive it like you stole it."
Not surprisingly, there is a US Lawn Mower Racing Association. Surprisingly, mower racing came over from Britain. According to Failure Magazine, this sport is really taking off. Drivers have been clocked at over 80 mph, which is pretty damn fast to be going on a lawnmower. Why people would ever do this is beyond us....
But, then again, we can think of things that are slightly more meaningless than this.
That's the fakest horse we've ever seen.
Ever since 2001, we here at HPO have been struggling with the age old question: "What is a sandwich?" The short answer, unfortunately, is that there is no short answer. It all began when we read in a very informative encyclopedia about baseball that we kept in the can that "a hot dog was a sandwich."
Beg your pardon?
It doesn't matter where you're from, what color your hair is, or whatever un-holy god you believe in, there is no way that a hot dog is a sandwich. But why? Can we tangibly sum this up?
General knowledge powerhouse Wikipedia defines a sandwich as "a food item typically consisting of two pieces of leavened bread between which are laid one or more layers of meat, vegetable, cheese, together with optional or traditionally provided condiments, sauces, and other accompaniments."
Under this definition, a hot dog is a sandwich. However, Wikipedia suspiciously omits the hot dog from its List of Sandwich Styles... The bottom line is that every blue-collar, working-class Johnny Punchclock knows that a hot dog is not a sandwich; it's a fucking hot dog.
So where's the difference? Well, when posing this question to the almighty Question Board under the alias Mark "Word to Your" Mulder back in 2003, we got a response that made sense, although the logic behind the thinking may have been rather partisan. But, the source for the QB's thinking was "The Encyclopedia of Food and Culture", a more than credible source.
But then again, you get degenerates like this fucking quack who fell so far off the sandwich wagon when it clunked its way through town that you wonder if they've ever purchased cold cuts in their lives!
Arguing about what constitutes a sandwich is a lot like a midget basketball game: The goal is a lot lower than it usually is, and everyone is arguing about who the tallest midget is, even though it doesn't really matter because around the corner a 300-lb Mexican guy is waiting for the bus, and he could squash all of them in about two seconds anyways.
If you ask us what our definition of a sandwich is, we can't be sure, but we know of a few general guidelines:
So, the matter is pretty complicated. But, a few days ago, Superior Judge Jeffrey Locke did the sandwich world a monumental favor when he ruled that a "sandwich is not commonly understood to include burritos, tacos, and quesadillas. [Burritos] are typically made with a single tortilla and stuffed with a choice filling of meat, rice and beans."
In the words of sandwich expert Chris Schlesinger: "I know of no chef or culinary historian who would call a burrito a sandwich. Indeed, the notion would be absurd to any credible chef or culinary historian."
The above legal proceedings between Qdoba and Panera can best be summed up using an analogy. And since our friend Greg over at Sportsblah came up with a really good one, we thought we would use it here (slightly modified for contextual purposes):
Imagine a grown with no arms playing with a wolverine. He plays, laughs, fills with joy. You watch, eat chips and know it won't end well. But an hour goes by, the man is intact and everything is fine. The impossible looks like it might happen. Then, out of nowhere, without warning, he gets hit by a train. Judge Jeffrey Locke is the train. The man, Panera. The wolverine, Qdoba. His lack of arms, boating accident. This one won't even be close.
As we were informed by one of correspondents, Jelly, President Bush recently pardoned two turkeys, named Flyer and Fryer, meaning that they will not be killed and then enjoyed with stuffing and cranberry sauce tonight, but will live the rest of their turkey lives in heaven. First, the turkeys are being flown first class to Disneyland where they will be grand marshals of the Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Lucky bastards.
However, CBS incorrectly points out that Harry S. Truman began the tradition of pardoning turkeys, when in fact it was Abraham Lincoln who pardoned the first turkey after his son Tad became emotionally attached to the flightless bird.
After reading this sad, tragic story, we realized that life just sometimes ain't fair. But, in all honesty, to be fair to Mr. Wooten, if you and your wife are the only people that voted for you, it doesn't really make sense for you to be the mayor of your town. It probably means that you're a douchebag who doesn't know when to call it quits.
The Saudi Arabian royal family, who have been well-known for being keen to undertake in some rather scandalous finanacial ventures in the past, are causing a commotion again.
The British government's Serious Fraud Office is requesting access into the bank account information of two men believed to have been acting as middlemen in hundred-million dollar illegal weapons trades between the British war machine manufacturer BAE and the House of Saud. These two men have been described as "a prominent Lebanese politician" and "a wealthy Syrian."
Not under-the-table enough for you yet?
Additionally, documents that were accidentally leaked proved that BAE inflates the prices of its military contracts, sometimes by as much as 32%, in order to fund the luxurious lifestyles of Saudi Arabia's many princes. Now, in response to the British government's probes on this shady activity, Saudi Arabia is threatening to sever all diplomatic ties between itself and the United Kingdom.
Saudi Arabia, we call your bluff.
There is no way on God's green earth that Saudi Arabia would sever ties with Britain. Britain has long been providing the Saudi Arabian royal family with priceless intelligence about the tyrannical Shia muslim regime right next door in Tehran. You think that Dr. Ahmadinejad wouldn't jump at the chance to assassinate a few members of the pro-western, oil-rich House of Saud (who are all Sunni muslims)? Or what about al-Qaida? They hate the Saudis for their pro-American relations and their liberal politics with regards to the Islamic faith. They would love a slice of that oil pie too...
There is simply too much for Saudi Arabia to lose by cutting off ties with England. No way will it happen. No way in hell.
So a couple months ago, we decided to write an email to the President of Iran through his website. Anyways, after not receiving a response for a long time, we figured that we had been blown off. But then, just a few days ago, we received a reply to our email, which we originally wrote under the pseudonym "Kyle Donovan." Here is the email that we sent to, and the reply we received from, the office of the President of Iran:
Dear Mr. President,
I have two questions for you. 1. Were your comments regarding wiping Israel "off the map" taken out of context? 2. Do you have any other plans for changing women's rights in Iran? Thank you very much for your time.
Kyle Donovan
________________________________________________________
Dear Kyle Donovan
We received your letter. Regarding your first question,we beg to inform you that the presidents views about zionist regime are reciting some historical facts and attracting the world s attention to their human responsibility for the oppressed people of palestine.Regarding your second question you can refer to the 9th government program reflected in the persian part of presidential site or in the following link http://www.president.ir/farsi/ahmadinejad/dolat9/09/
with regard The islamic Republic Of IRAN presidential Site
_____________________________________________
So, in our opinion, that's a pretty classy move on their part. They probably get hundreds of emails a day, and probably most of them are a lot more important than ours was. Let's be honest, we've been blown off by people a lot less important than the President of Iran (you know who you are, National Hot Dog and Sausage Council).
And, last but not least, one of our readers sent us this link, entitled "How Not To Release a Leopard." We feel it is pretty consistent with the theme of this post.
Candidate #2
Billy never misses out on an opportunity - A DING DANG DOO!
Dubya's daughter would provide a great chance for Evo to build a bond with the American president. A slack-jawed alcoholic from Texas is a perfect choice for the Bolivian president - she could teach him a thing or two about juicing on the job, and he could teach her about the magic of the coca leaf.
Candidate #3
Candidate #4
Candidate #5
Same barber?
But, in all honesty, that's a pretty amusing idea for a website. It's a lot better than that site about cats in sinks, which in our humble opinion would be a lot better if it was about cats in toilets.
All-American Hot Pipe Dr. Hunter S. Thompson once said, "I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs, and insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me." Well, a man known as the "Polish Borat" has taken this a step further, degenerating to random acts of sexual assault over in England. His defense, he claims, is that this sort of grab-assing is completely normal and wouldn't be considered disrespectful over in Poland.
Now, while it is a well known fact that Polish girls are the most beautiful in the world (Suck it, Nicaragua!), this type of raging perversion is probably a bad thing... But, then again, there are worse mistakes you can make (we're looking in your direction, Tennessee).
Steve "White Lightning" Dalkowski. The name itself is legendary, like Paul Bunyan, Davey Crockett, or Barbara Streisand. They called him "the man who could throw a strawberry through a locomotive." He was the hardest thrower in history, with a fastball that "looked like an airplane taking off." He once took a guy's ear off with a pitch.
But that ain't why he's in the HPO hall of fame. He's in because of what he did off the diamond.
Steve Dalkowski had an IQ of 60. "The more your talked to Dalkowski," said Earl Weaver, "the more confused he became."
He was notorious for never changing or washing his underwear or socks ("the whites"). He was even more notorious for alcoholism so helpless and depraved that many other men would have cracked.
Cal Ripken Sr. said, "Dalkowski could do some drinking. He just couldn't stop. He liked to stay out, drink and have some fun. He'd always be borrowing money to but booze and was broke from payday to payday."
One night, his teammates found him at the local saloon with 24 scotch-and-waters lined up before him. "Hey, guys, come over and look at this beautiful sight," he said. After drinking all 24, Steve stopped at the store on the way home and bought a jug of wine. "The next night they just carried him off the mound in the fourth inning," said Steve Barber, an ex-teammate.
Or the time he "got pretty lit" after a game and drove around town in a brand new Cadillac before crashing it into a police car.
Eventually, the alcohol got him. Suffering from psychotic dementia, Dalkowski eventually checked himself in for treatment. He shocked doctors by surviving, but cannot remember most of his life after 1964 due to the sauce.
EXTERNALS:
A Hot Pipe is a man... A certain kind of man, that lives his life in a manner consistent with the doctrines of the Pipes. So, in an attempt to create a poor man's HPO Hall of Fame, we proudly introduce the "Real American Hot Pipes". Entry into this elite group is only possible after repeated displays of Pipes Behavior.
That's it for now. The list will be updated as we see fit. Dear readers, please "pipe" in with suggestions for the list.
We are dangerously close to getting our 20,000th visitor here at HPO.
What does this mean?
Well, above all else, it means there are roughly 20,000 people on this planet who are a bit stupider than they were before they read whatever they read on this site.
Since the humble beginnings of this forward-leaning blog, we have never tooted our own horn, nor have we become overly adamant about our self-proclaimed success (or lack thereof). Over the past 9 months, we have discussed many deeply philosophical worldly problems. We have tried to create an air of semi-professionalism, despite being amateurs, in the most basic sense of the word. This blog was featured in our favorite newspaper, but then again we were also called "the second-worst blog in East-Central Illinois" by a publication whose name we shan't mention.
When looking back at some of the finer work done here at HPO, many memorable posts come to mind:
There have been many memorable characters since we started here at HPO, but our favorite nominee for "The Jackass of the Year Award" has to be the best damn fascist dictator since Big Daddy:
They're fuzzy and cute until they tear into your jugular.
After Mahmoud, our second-favorite politician has to be Evo Morales, the cocaine-farming Aymara president of Bolivia. Not only are South American political relations inherently amusing, but Evo always seems to be causing a commotion. That one time he dressed a little too casual for a meeting with the King of Spain, who himself is a deranged psychopathic monster that enjoys murdering innocent animals? Hilarity. Evo is a llama-herding, trumpet-playing walking clown show, and we love him here at HPO.
Plus, he's got that goofy haircut. It looks like his mom cuts his hair. Somebody issue a squirrel alert.