Anne Hathaway Cares About Her Image

Excuse me Miss - do you have a license to carry those guns?

Anne Hathaway dumped her boyfriend a few weeks ago. This week, Anne Hathaway's boyfriend got arrested on wire fraud and money laundering charges. There was an FBI investifation into his investment business, and the official US court affidavit alleges that he stole over $4 million.

Hmmmm.... Very clever, Anne Hathaway. Either Anne Hathaway has the best timing ever. Or, Anne Hathaway knew about his shady little operation all along. Why else would Anne Hathaway break up with this guy? He is Italian, he has an obnoxious-sounding Italian name, and he spent thousands of dollars on food and luxury condos and Carribean vacations.

Anne Hathaway.

Sounds like Anne Hathaway was ready to marry this guy: "I enjoy living with him so much, but we're in his apartment and we've decided that it's time to find where our home is going to be. If we get a house as opposed to an apartment, the first two floors will be a bit more traditional for him to be able to receive people, and the top two floors will be whatever I want."

Yes, Anne Hathaway, we know you were quite fond of this guy.

So, can we really blame Anne Hathaway for dumping him just before Uncle Sam sets his bail at $21 million just to save her precious acting career? No, we can't. We can't blame Anne Hathaway. Because this guy just seems like a total douchebag. The obnoxious, self-promoting website. The total douche-face. His childish behavior in court (via the AP):

An angry Follieri repeatedly interrupted his lawyer at a court appearance to tell her what to say. He shook his head at times and, as a prosecutor accused him of owing various debts, called out: "We paid that."

After his court appearance, Follieri, who had been fighting a sinus infection, had "some sort of attack" and was taken to a hospital, said his publicist, Melanie Bonvicino. She said she did not have further information on his condition.

Now, we're not legal experts. In fact, we don't even know what the word "filibuster" means. But we're pretty sure "repeatedly interrupting" your lawyer at your own arraignment is not a good idea.

But the real victim in all this is not the good people who got scammed out of their hard-earned money. The real victim is poor Anne Hathaway, whose career may or may not suffer minor adverse side-effects as a result of this scandal. Being a Hollywood actress is a tough life, and we would hate for Anne Hathaway to have to lose any sleep over a senseless thing like multi-million dollar money laundering.

We will keep Anne Hathaway in our prayers, and ask that you do the same.

Swiss Fox Steals Purse, Escapes

Swiss police outfoxed by purse snatcher
BASEL, Switzerland (AFP) — Police in Switzerland managed to recover the handbag but the purse snatcher made his escape into the forest -- the cops had been outfoxed by a fox.
The incident happened Monday evening when police got a phone call from a woman saying a fox has stolen her handbag.
She was working on a small piece of communal land in Riehen, near the northern city of Bale, when she suddenly saw a fox running off with her handbag in its mouth.
The fox made off with her wallet and house keys, said police spokesman Nicolas Drechsler Tuesday.
A man tried to help running after the animal, "but the fox was too fast for him," Drechsler said.
When the police arrived, they searched and found the handbag under a bush, some 50 metres (yards) from where it was taken.
Police deducted that "the fox could not take the bag into its lair, the bag was too bulky," Drechsler said.
But there was no arrest. The foxy thief got away.

How Stupid Can You Actually Be?

Combined IQ = today's temperature in Fahrenheit.

As if Hulk Hogan's family hasn't suffered enough disgrace recently, his wife Linda lowered the bar even further in a 911 call to the police. She called police when she saw a suspected stalker parked in front of her house.

Now, the management of this website has no idea, no idea at all, how a person can actually be this stupid and moronic, but we actually have a link to a recording of the 911 call, which proves that this is all very real.

Linda: Now he's driving away. He's been ordered away because he's threatened my life before and I don't want him around. I'm shaking, I'm trembling. I'm following him until he leaves.

911: Okay, you said he left, or he is leaving?

Linda: Yeah he left, I'm following him right now.

911: Why are you following him?

Linda: I don’t know.

911: Stop following him!

After placing that 911 call, Linda Hogan spent her afternoon finger-painting and discussing how pretty horsies are. Then she tried to eat a rock.

G'day mate.

Our next news story comes from (big surprise!) Australia:

Australian man charged with driving wheelchair while drunk
SYDNEY (AFP) — An Australian man has been charged with driving his motorised wheelchair down a highway while drunk, police said Monday.
Motorists were forced to drive around the 64-year-old man after he fell asleep in an exit lane on the Captain Cook Highway in northern Queensland state at 10am on Friday.
When a passing police patrol woke him up he told them he had intended to drive 14 kilometres (nearly nine miles) to visit a friend.
He was given a breathalyser test and found to be more than six times over the legal limit for driving, police say.
"The vehicles that we normally hear about with drink-driving are the family car, the truck, the motorbike," Inspector Bob Waters told reporters.
"But there are also other classes of vehicles that are subject to drink-driving laws.
"People should be aware that drink-driving laws cover these kinds of vehicles, but also others like horses and bicycles.
The man was ordered to appear in court on July 7.

Don't you remember the first time you drank 17 beers and then decided to drive your wheelchair for ten miles down the highway to see your friend? Man, those were good times. All the decisions we made were so rational and sane. We were the next generation, the torch-bearers leading humanity into the 21st century.

Foot Mystery - UPDATE

This is starting to get a bit disturbing.

Allright - so we know that we just posted about this yesterday, but they just found another severed human foot on a beach in the Strait of Georgia, just off the coast of Vancouver. That makes six feet. Six!

Here is the latest news story:

Sixth human foot found in Canada

Another human foot encased in a running shoe has been found on the shores of British Columbia in Canada, the second this week and the sixth within a year.
Like four of the others it was a right foot, a police official said.
The foot was found near Campbell River on Vancouver Island and appeared to have been severed, a witness said.
Police, who are not speculating on this, are trying to determine the origins of the feet and whether they are any links between the discoveries.
The latest find was on Wednesday when a woman collecting rocks spotted a shoe-clad foot on a beach.
Another woman who manages a tourist campground at Campbell River, a fishing town on Vancouver Island, accompanied her to the spot.
"I could see two white bones sticking out of a black sneaker," Sandra Malone told the National Post newspaper.
"It was definitely severed, like it had been sawn off."
However, police are refusing to speculate on any possibility of foul play.
"In the first four cases, police have no evidence that the feet were severed. It is too early to say if this foot was severed," police spokeswoman Annie Linteau said.
On Monday, a left foot was found on another island off Vancouver.
Like the previous four, it is believed to have become detached at the ankle, in a process called disarticulation.
Forensic experts say it is not unusual for body parts to become separated after they have been in the water for a long time.
Running shoes help to preserve the remains and because the soles are buoyant, the feet are brought to the surface.

Scary and disturbing.

Timeline:

August 20, 2007 - A 12-year-old girl from Washington State discovered the first foot on a beach while boating with family on Jedidiah Island. It was reported she picked up one of five shoes scattered on the beach, untied the laces and found the foot inside. It was a right and blue right-footed "Campus" men's running shoe.

August 26, 2007 - A wine importer from Vancouver and her husband were finishing their hike on Gabriola Island when they discovered a black and white right-footed leather Reebok trainer in a size 12 with a partially decomposed right foot inside.

February 8, 2008 - A severed right foot was found inside a running shoe on Valdes Island south of Gabriola in the Strait of Georgia, in a location only accessible by float plane or boat.

May 22, 2008 - A passerby found a foot on Kirkland Island near the mouth of the Fraser River in Richmond, just south of Vancouver. It was a right foot.

June 16, 2008 - A human left foot was discovered on Westham Island in Ladner, B.C. The foot was said to be inside a left-footed Nike running shoe.

June 18, 2008 - A sixth foot was discovered near an RV park on the Campbell River shoreline. It is reportedly a right foot and was in a black and white running shoe.

I like feet.

OK - this has now become more than just a coincidence. This is downright crazy. There are no doubts anymore people: These feet have to have something in common. Ridiculous. And as recently as two days ago, police were dismissing theories that these feet were related in some way. Are you kidding?!?

"I could see two white bones sticking out of a black sneaker," said Sandra Malone, an eyewitness who saw the sixth foot. "It was definitely severed, like it had been sawn off."

That seems like pretty definitive evidence right there, from a first-hand eyewitness. But, not only are the authorities refusing to admit that these feet are all linked, they are holding fast to their story that a plane crash or other similar accident was responsible for all these feet. Originally, their thoughts were that this "accident" occurred somewhere up the Fraser River, but as we discussed yesterday, the location of the first five feet was inconsistent with that explanation.

But now, with the sixth foot being found much further to the northwest than the other five, that explanation goes out the window. Let's look at some other possibilities...

Asian tsunami victims - This theory contends that the feet were washed approximately 15,000 miles across the Pacific. If that were true, why are all the feet found within a hundred miles of each other? Why are the feet all in running shoes? And, why are five of the six feet right feet?

Organized crime - These feet are from victims of crimes, not necessarily related. But if this were true, why suddenly find 6 feet within 10 months? Surely there would have been some precedent... Again, why are all the feet in running shoes?

Boating accidents - This explanation argues that the feet are from unrelated boating accidents. Probably the worst of all possible explanations. What is this, "Naked Gun"?!? Are these investigators even real cops? Six feet from unrelated boating accidents? Yeah right...

Suitcase full of feet - This theory argues that some serial killer was carrying around a suitcase of severed feet and accidentally dropped it into the Strait of Georgia... This theory really makes the most sense, because it would explain why the feet have begun showing up only recently and in a limited geographical area. Also, some kind of sick Chuck Taylor fetish could explain why all the feet have been found in quality footwear.

Now, we can understand that the cops do not want to let the public know what they are thinking - closed evidence - but we here at HPO are seriously a-hopin' and a-prayin' that these law enforcement officers are doing their homework.

By God, Sir. I will not abide another toe!

The Plot Thickens

This is no coincidence.

About three weeks ago, we posted about the mysterious severed feet which have been washing ashore in British Columbia. Four feet had washed ashore then - but now, a fifth severed foot has been found. A special HPO thank-you goes out to our correspondent Anita Mandalay, who sent us this link:

5th human foot washes up on Canada coast

VANCOUVER, British Columbia (AP) — A fifth human foot in a year has washed ashore off the coast of British Columbia, and this time it's a left one.
Police said two people out for a walk spotted the left foot floating in water off Westham Island on Monday morning.
Delta Police Const. Sharlene Brooks said officials are working with the B.C. Coroner's office to see if this foot is linked to any other partial remains recovered in the province.
Westham Island is at the mouth of the Fraser River, about 15 miles south of Vancouver.
"A passerby noticed a shoe floating in the water, pulled it in and notified police," Brooks said. "We're treating it as a criminal investigation."
While the similarities to the other found feet is strong, she said there's no indication this foot is related to the other cases.
"We're certainly not discounting the possibility that this may be linked to the other recovered feet, but it's just too premature and very speculative for us to even entertain that right now," she said.
The last foot was found May 22 on Kirkland Island in the Fraser River, about one mile away from Monday's discovery.
The first in the series was found nearly a year ago on Jedidiah Island in the Strait of Georgia. Within days, another right foot was found inside a man's Reebok sneaker on nearby Gabriola Island. The third was found in the same area, on the east side of Valdez Island in early February.
The origin on any of the remains is still unknown.
"This might take a long time," Brooks said. "This is not CSI." She said in order to identify the foot, other remains from the body or identifying material such as a DNA would be needed. "It's going to be pretty difficult."
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police has said there's no evidence the feet were severed or removed from the victims' legs by force.
Curtis Ebbesmeyer, an oceanographer based in Seattle, Wash., said when a human body is submerged in the ocean, the main parts like arms, legs, hands, feet and the head are usually what come off the body.
He said his theory is that the feet came along as a result of an accident that might have happened up along the Fraser River, that washed down and spread out along the Straight of Georgia.
Ebbesmeyer said when the third foot was found the feet could have drifted from as far as 1,000 miles away. Ebbesmeyer said the feet could have been severed or detached from their bodies on their own.

Apparently, the Canadian police are still selling us their "plane crash" explanation, believing that all five feet belonged to people involved in some accident and that now, over a year later, the feet are turning up. If this is true, why has every single foot been in a sport shoe when it was found? Isn't that a bit strange?

Generally, we don't have too much faith in the way this investigation is being handled. Let's be realistic here - if we're really hypothesizing that the feet washed down the Fraser River from some accident which occurred there, how do you explain the location of the five feet?

View Larger Map

As you can clearly see from the map, the five severed feet have been found fairly close to each other in the Georgia Strait. Now, the Fraser River flows right through downtown Vancouver and empties into the Strait. However, the currents in the Georgia Strait usually push the silty run-off from the Frasier River to the south and east of the drainage - which conflicts with the locations of three of the feet, found to the north and to the west of the mouth of the river.

And, according to experts, currents and tidal patterns are not very good evidence:

The use of oceanographic science is not routinely used in investigation, but activated when other lines of inquiry are founding wanting. Use of experienced physical oceanographers in the early stages of inquiries into a water related deaths will save time and reduce the chance of false assumptions being made by investigators. The most appropriate personnel are those with a firm grounding in fieldwork as well as numerical techniques, rather than those who have only worked at the theoretical level. Such personnel should also be familiar with the integration of weather data with hydrodynamic simulations.

So, all that speculation that is being done by those genius oceanographers working with the Canadian police should be taken with a grain of salt - these are only theories, and pretty far-fetched ones at that.

Now, we have to assume that over the past few months of this investigation, the cops have pulled the files of all missing persons in BC over the past three years, focused on the ones missing from near the Fraser River or one of its tributaries, and tried to match the severed feet to those missing people.

But the real question is: Does the "upstream river accident" theory really make sense? We think the answer is "no". Which is why we're betting that the answer to this mystery is "serial killer"... Plain and simple.

We'll keep you posted on further developments.

Important News Stories

Buckle up.

OK, so Israel is gonna bomb Iran, we got that whole Darfur thing going on, and Mugabe is still reckless and out of control in Zimbabwe, but all that stuff has got to wait, because we only discuss important and globally-minded news stories on this blog.

Like this one, for instance:

Man, dog in car survive plunge down remote cliff

LONDON - Authorities said a man and his dog in a car survived a 200-foot fall down a remote cliff in southern England early Sunday morning. Local police believe the man was thrown clear of his vehicle when it fell halfway down the cliff, near the town of Swanage.

They said the man was found barely conscious near the crumpled wreckage of his vehicle. The car had crashed onto a large ledge on the cliff face. Both the man's legs were broken.
The coast guards say the man's dog, a black New Zealand sheepdog named Zin Zan, could not be found. The dog later made its own way home and was discovered underneath the kitchen table.

Now that's the type of ridiculousness that usually only comes from Australia. But, then again, it gives us a great opportunity to post a related Jack Handey video, which is too good of an opportunity to pass up. This one's a blast from the past.



Ah, Toonces. Where have you gone? You provided so many quality hours of comic relief with your carefree attitude and your cocksure alley-cattin'. What ever happened to the good old days, where any depiction of animals doing human things passed as reputable comedy?

A pattern is forming...

Sometimes, life is so hard. You can have so much responsibility in your life, so many things to take care of and so many different tasks to achieve, it can be hard to get anything done. Sometimes life is so hard.

But then, other times life is pretty easy. In fact, sometimes (usually through a stroke of luck or some other chance happening) life is so easy that you ONLY HAVE ONE THING THAT YOU NEED TO CONCENTRATE ON. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL - ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIT THERE. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND DECENT, HOW DIFFICULT CAN IT ACTUALLY BE?!?!?!

Sudoku-playing jurors ruin trial

SYDNEY (Reuters) - An Australian drugs trial lasting more than three months and costing taxpayers over A$1 million ($947,000) has been aborted after a number of jurors were found to have spent up to half the time playing Sudoku puzzles.

Sydney District Court Judge Peter Zahra cancelled the trial of two men on drugs conspiracy charges after the jury foreperson admitted that four to five jurors had been playing the addictive number sequence game, local media reported. The judge was alerted after some of the jurors were observed writing their notes vertically, rather than horizontally. The game involves completing a grid of numbers in the correct sequence.
One juror said the game helped them to pay more attention by keeping their mind busy.
"Some of the evidence is rather drawn out and I find it difficult to maintain my attention the whole time," the juror was quoted saying by the Australian Associated Press.
A new trial is expected to begin in a few weeks once a new jury has been called.

I'm Voting Republican

The rockets' red glare...

Do you want to know why HPO is voting Republican?

We are voting Republican because we really, really love bigoted WASP politicians who care more about lining their pockets than about the genuine good of their constituents.

We are voting Republican because we think it's a good idea to invest trillions of dollars in machines of destruction to bring pestilence and napalm fire to the entire globe.

We are voting Republican because we don't believe in infrastructure, mass transportation, alternative fuels, or educating the middle class.

We are voting Republican because Barry Obama really is a Muslim and a dunce and lacks character, experience, and decisiveness.

Fat Dog Seen From Space

He's like the Great Wall of China

Dog is so large owners could see it on Google Earth

A PET owner was stunned to discover that his dog was so fat, the porky pooch can be seen from outer space.
Fran Milner was astonished to find that 200lb bull mastiff Boris could clearly be seen on the Google Earth website.
The images on the site are taken by satellites 300-450 miles above the Earth.
Three-year-old Boris's brown bulk is clearly visible stretched out in his favourite position by a sundial on the front lawn, where he lounges for hours on end.
The massive mastiff lives with the Milner family in a seaside hotel and is now a celebrity among guests, who line up to have their picture taken with the "space dog".
Fran, 24, whose parents run the Tudor Grange Hotel in Bournemouth, Dorset, said "My brother-in-law decided to look at a satellite picture of our hotel.
"He noticed a big brown blob on the grass and realised it was Boris. He was in his favourite place. He loves lying there.
"We all had a look and couldn't believe it. I knew he was big but didn't think he was big enough to be seen from space."
The average weight of a bull mastiff is about 130 lbs but the Milners suspected Boris would be bigger because his dad was also huge. The full English breakfast he eats every morning probably also helps.
He has also had problems with his cruciate ligaments, which prevents him from walking long distances to exercise.
Fran added: "Boris gets on brilliantly with our guests because he is so gentle.
"They all want a picture. He's probably the most photographed dog in Bournemouth.
"Although, he can't do much exercise he loves swimming in the sea.
"But for the moment, he's doing what he loves best - lying by the sundial for hours on end."

And, for the next video:

Synopsis: Pleasant family outing to the Zoo turns into whoremongering bloodbath from hell as rabid chimp literally tears apart a living, breathing duckling with absolutely breathtaking force in front of scores of astonished children.

Actual Synopsis: Caught this 'hilarious camcorder catastrophe' moment a couple of months back at Whipsnade zoo with the kids. Chimp gets annoyed at ducks constant quacking, grabs a bunch of rocks, throws them at a duckling.

Friday

Hello, jugs.

Well, today is Friday - which for most of us means getting arrested. But it also means that tomorrow is Shabbaz, the Jewish day of rest. No elevators, no driving cars, no turning on the oven. And, you may recall, we went to a PARK IN BOTSWANA!

Now Wait A Minute...

Keep on truckin'!

Yearbook pictures can be devastating - that is a known fact of life. But it's not too often that the names are just as bad:

Yearbook "oops": spell-check lessons
By Lauren Boyer
Newhouse News Service
MIDDLETOWN, Pa. — Max Zupanovic is listed as "Max Supernova" in Middletown Area High School's yearbook.
William and Elizabeth Givler's last name is "Giver" in the book, and Cameron Bendgen's last name was changed to "Bandage." Student council member Kathy Carbaugh became "Kathy Airbag."
And Alessandra Ippolito isn't sure what to think after seeing a caption listing her as "Alexandria Impolite."
"It was kind of funny, but kind of rude at the same time," Ippolito said.
A computerized spell-checker used by a publishing company spelled trouble for the school's yearbook, Reflections, bestowing new names on several students.
Leslie Givler was shocked to see her children, William, a sophomore, and Elizabeth, a freshman, listed in a picture with their last name as "Giver." Leslie Givler said she paid $53 each for two yearbooks.
Four of the yearbook's 176 pages, which featured the school's band, chorus and student council, were affected, said co-editor Amanda Gummo.
Ed Patrick of Taylor Publishing, which printed the book, said that the company takes full responsibility for the errors and that yearbook mistakes are common.
Another yearbook published by Taylor, Red Land High School's The Heritage, was delivered recently with 16 pages plagued by missing photos, misspelled words and gibberish filler text.
Patrick said the final CD for the 16 pages in question was never received from the school. What happened to it is being investigated.
The company was willing to reprint the book, but that's not what school officials wanted, he said. Red Land High School and West Shore School District officials said a reprinting of just the 16 pages as a supplement was good enough.

Thanks a lot, Middletown Pennsylvania!! What other bright ideas do you have up your sleeves, you sly devils? But seriously, spellchecking people's names? That doesn't make too much sense. In fact, the only thing that makes less sense is the fact that we put "Barry" Obama's picture at the start of this post. Why didn't we use a picture of someone better looking? Keeley Hazell, anyone?

Three hots and a cot.

After reading this next story, we were pretty shocked. Seriously, this guy has more amenities in his prison cell than we do at our own house...

Brazil inmate had $173K, guns, TV, fridge in cell
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
SAO PAULO, Brazil -- The luxurious lifestyle of a convict in northeastern Brazil has come to an abrupt end after police confiscated a plasma TV set, gym equipment, two pistols and cash worth $173,000 from his cell, officials said Tuesday.
Bahia's Prison Affairs Department head Jose Francisco Leite said police raided the cell Monday in a statewide crackdown on drug trafficking.
He said Tuesday authorities have ordered an investigation of how of Genilson Lins da Silva got 280,000 reals ($173,000), two .38-caliber pistols and other amenities into his cell at the Bahia's Lemos Brito Penitentiary. Silva is serving 28 years for robbery and murder and was transferred to another prison.
Leite says Silva "led a posh prison life in his cell, which he occupied all by himself."

This one is completely absurd. They need to fire whoever is in charge of that prison... OK, we are perfectly aware that crime in Brazil is out of hand. But for fuck's sake - a plasma TV? In jail?

But hey, why stop there? Bring in a spaghetti machine and a Lay-Z-Boy and a loyal army of prostitutes. There are basic freedoms!

Hits Are Down

Excuse me Miss, do you have a license to carry those guns?

Hits are down. So we are resorting to our time-tested theory of T&A. Whatever.

So, here are a few of the keywords that people put into google over the past months that led them to our site. We remind you at this point in time that the following list is 100% real and not fake or documented in any way - real people, just like you and us and Barbara Streisand, are actually googling these key words:

Hot lesbian video online
Pregnant fucker
Playboy pipes
Paint horse ran through puddle
She fell over and crushed him with her big big big big big big massive heavy giant huge boobs
Drinking, hot pipes
Krista Guterman playboy
Hot Indian girls with big buttocks
Oscar de la Pollo
Youtube fat women puddles
Youtube school girls swimming in big puddles
Pipes and nipples
Hate australia
Playboy Pipes
Reasons to hate Australia
Dog breads puddle
Free porn video deep toad
Disturbing book boy drops flowerpot
Hoobabakanda
Degree hat tilt
Panda beer

Clearly, our favorite of all of those is hoobabakanda.

Who wants to play tickle-butt?

So, we received this email from a rather annoyed reader in our HPO mailbag the other day. This particular person is clearly a big fan of this website, and his letter touches on the subject of a post we wrote about a year ago:

Dear Ross McLochness,

You are one of the most closed-minded and bigoted people I have ever had the displeasure of getting to know. You should be ashamed of yourself and your crude, distasteful website. The only thing more pathetic than your unimaginative, cliched writing is the fact that your own life seems to be desolate and barren. Do you really need to resort to cheap jokes about people you have never even met before? Is that the only way you can feel like a real man, you pathetic depraved idiot?

Has Jim Edmonds ever done anything to you? Why do you feel you need to spread rumors about him which aren't true? Don't you have anything better to do with your time, you idiot?

Moreover, you seem to think that every man from Southern California is a homo-sexual. Nothing can be farther from the truth - there are plenty of hetero men in San Diego, Oceanside, and Laguna Beach. Where does all of your pent-up homo-hostility come from? Maybe you yourself have been having secret man-fantasies, and are too scared to admit it? Ross McLochness, you are degenerate internet troll who has nothing better to do with his free time other than bash good, honest people. You should be ashamed of yourseld. The thought of you alone makes me sick - YOU PATHETIC LOOSER (sic).

I hope you get hit by a bus. I hope you get hit by a bus and die. You are wasting good air with every breath you take - GET OFF MY PLANET and go straight to hell you homophobe. Your blog makes me sick - congratulations for lowering the IQ of every person who reads your boring writing. KISS MY ASS!!!

Sincerely,

Randy Portergrass

Well, well, well Randy... Let me guess - you must be from Southern California yourself. You ask why we make fun of random celebrities? Because fuck them, that's why. We pick on Jim Edmonds is because he is a queer and he has a fruity haircut. And, it the best statisticians in the world have empirically proven that the likelihood of a bare-assed locker-room towel-snap more than triples if Jim Edmonds is on that baseball team.

And we don't give a shit about the fact that nobody can prove that Jim Edmonds is gay - speculation has always been enough around these parts, and we'll be damned if we're gonna change that anytime soon.

So, here's what you can do for us today, Randy: Roll out of bed, put on your Axe body spray, shave your buttcheeks, grease up your hair, put on your ankle socks, pop your collar, get on your scooter, turn up the Celine Dion, and ride down to the smoothie shop where you work, you homo-sapien.

But spare me your crying and whining, Randy. If you don't like our website and our hatred for people from Southern California, then start your own blog about how great SoCal is.

And then we'll make fun of that too.