Monday, June 02, 2008

Hits Are Down

Excuse me Miss, do you have a license to carry those guns?

Hits are down. So we are resorting to our time-tested theory of T&A. Whatever.

So, here are a few of the keywords that people put into google over the past months that led them to our site. We remind you at this point in time that the following list is 100% real and not fake or documented in any way - real people, just like you and us and Barbara Streisand, are actually googling these key words:

Hot lesbian video online
Pregnant fucker
Playboy pipes
Paint horse ran through puddle
She fell over and crushed him with her big big big big big big massive heavy giant huge boobs
Drinking, hot pipes
Krista Guterman playboy
Hot Indian girls with big buttocks
Oscar de la Pollo
Youtube fat women puddles
Youtube school girls swimming in big puddles
Pipes and nipples
Hate australia
Playboy Pipes
Reasons to hate Australia
Dog breads puddle
Free porn video deep toad
Disturbing book boy drops flowerpot
Degree hat tilt
Panda beer

Clearly, our favorite of all of those is hoobabakanda.

Who wants to play tickle-butt?

So, we received this email from a rather annoyed reader in our HPO mailbag the other day. This particular person is clearly a big fan of this website, and his letter touches on the subject of a post we wrote about a year ago:

Dear Ross McLochness,

You are one of the most closed-minded and bigoted people I have ever had the displeasure of getting to know. You should be ashamed of yourself and your crude, distasteful website. The only thing more pathetic than your unimaginative, cliched writing is the fact that your own life seems to be desolate and barren. Do you really need to resort to cheap jokes about people you have never even met before? Is that the only way you can feel like a real man, you pathetic depraved idiot?

Has Jim Edmonds ever done anything to you? Why do you feel you need to spread rumors about him which aren't true? Don't you have anything better to do with your time, you idiot?

Moreover, you seem to think that every man from Southern California is a homo-sexual. Nothing can be farther from the truth - there are plenty of hetero men in San Diego, Oceanside, and Laguna Beach. Where does all of your pent-up homo-hostility come from? Maybe you yourself have been having secret man-fantasies, and are too scared to admit it? Ross McLochness, you are degenerate internet troll who has nothing better to do with his free time other than bash good, honest people. You should be ashamed of yourseld. The thought of you alone makes me sick - YOU PATHETIC LOOSER (sic).

I hope you get hit by a bus. I hope you get hit by a bus and die. You are wasting good air with every breath you take - GET OFF MY PLANET and go straight to hell you homophobe. Your blog makes me sick - congratulations for lowering the IQ of every person who reads your boring writing. KISS MY ASS!!!


Randy Portergrass

Well, well, well Randy... Let me guess - you must be from Southern California yourself. You ask why we make fun of random celebrities? Because fuck them, that's why. We pick on Jim Edmonds is because he is a queer and he has a fruity haircut. And, it the best statisticians in the world have empirically proven that the likelihood of a bare-assed locker-room towel-snap more than triples if Jim Edmonds is on that baseball team.

And we don't give a shit about the fact that nobody can prove that Jim Edmonds is gay - speculation has always been enough around these parts, and we'll be damned if we're gonna change that anytime soon.

So, here's what you can do for us today, Randy: Roll out of bed, put on your Axe body spray, shave your buttcheeks, grease up your hair, put on your ankle socks, pop your collar, get on your scooter, turn up the Celine Dion, and ride down to the smoothie shop where you work, you homo-sapien.

But spare me your crying and whining, Randy. If you don't like our website and our hatred for people from Southern California, then start your own blog about how great SoCal is.

And then we'll make fun of that too.


Blogger Knox Harrington said...

HAHAHA! Oh, Randy Portergrass or should I say Pederast. Either way, sticking up for Jim Edmonds and SoCal is a sure sign of homosexuality. Obviously he hasn't seen Knox Harrington or I would be getting some nasty comments as well. I love that it was in reference to a completely speculatory and entirely unauthenticated e-mail rant that I had sent to you for shits and giggles. Good times. Hot Pipes.

12:28 PM  

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