Thursday, May 04, 2006

Jim Edmonds Update

Word on the street is that there's trouble a brewin' in the Redbirds locker room.
HPO field man Johnny Red, our resident St. Louis insider, is now reporting that Jim "SoCal" Edmonds' free-wheeling antics are causing team chemistry problems within the Cardinals' ranks. Here is what we received in our mailbag:
There isn't a high fastball he can't deposit in the shiny new right-field Busch seats, and he continues to make breathtaking catch after catch. Unfortunately, too much ass-time with his new butt buddy and Cardinals back-up catcher Gary "Steamin' Semen from Waukegan" Bennett has left much to be desired in Jim's attitude of late... Some heated words were exchanged in the clubhouse after Gary delivered an unauthorized towel smack to the bare ass of Jim with "Poppa" LaRussa looking on in disgust.

Jim relaxes in his favorite St. Louis bar, "The Man Hole."
Edmonds, a Gold-Glove centerfielder and suspected homosexual, also had his share of girlish escapades with fellow outfielder Larry Walker last year. Whether his fun-loving behavior will have an effect on the Cards' season remains a mystery.


For many years, we here at HPO have been desperately trying to find out if it is, in fact, possible to score just one point in an NFL game. You know, so the score would be, say, 35-1. We began to think, we began to theorize. We consulted the NFL rulebook.
Now, we know.
Since PAT's are blown dead the instant that the defense gains possession, it is very unlikely that a defense can even manage to score 2 points on a PAT. However, if the defense manages a safety on a PAT, then they are awarded 1 point.

Example: Let's pretend the Arizona Cardinals are playing the Denver Broncos. The Cards are down 7-0 to the Broncos with 2 seconds remaining in the 4th quarter, when Denver scores another TD, making it 13-0. Now, suppose Denver has serious problems with getting their PAT personnel on the field, and are hit with 20 delay-of-game penalties in a row, pushing them all the way back to their own 1 yard line. They finally get their players on the field, and a failed Student Body Left results in a 4 yard loss, and a safety for the Cardinals. The clock runs out, and the final score is Denver 13, Arizona 1.
It is possible.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's picture isn't of the Man Hole, I'm pretty sure it's the MaleBox

3:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

jim edmonds really isn't gay right?

12:46 PM  
Blogger Ross McLochness said...

Edmonds is gayer than Richard Simmons singing "It's Raining Men."

4:59 PM  

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