Wednesday, May 28, 2008

She Kidnapped Herself

You want a toe? I'll get you a toe.
Apparently, a bit of a mystery has been developing near Vancouver, British Columbia. Over the past several months, severed human feet have been washing up on shore of remote islands near the city. To date, four different feet have been found washed up on four different islands near Vancouver.
All four feet had socks on them.
All four feet had running shoes on them.
All four feet were right feet.
Here is the article:
Fourth right foot found off Canada's coast
VANCOUVER, British Columbia (AP) — For the fourth time in less than a year, a human foot in a running shoe has been found along the British Columbia coast.
Police said Friday that they don't know if there are any links between the cases of the four severed right feet found on island shorelines in the Vancouver region.
Authorities say they haven't reached any conclusions about the origin of the feet. But local speculation has been rife with some reports claiming they belonged to victims of violent crimes or a plane crash.
Police said a passer-by found the fourth human foot on Kirkland Island, about 15 miles south of Vancouver on Thursday.
"It's certainly a mystery we intend on solving," Police Constable Annie Linteau said. "It's certainly very unusual."
The first three feet washed ashore about 40 miles southwest of Vancouver on islands in the Strait of Georgia. The first foot was discovered last summer by beachcombers on Jedidiah Island. Days later, a foot was found inside a man's Reebok sneaker on nearby Gabriola Island. The remains of a third right foot were found on the east side of Valdez Island on Feb 8.
There is no evidence to suggest the foot — or any or the previous three — was forcibly removed, Linteau said.
"All four were wearing socks and were in a running shoe," Linteau said.
Two of the feet are size 12. Police have not released the size of the others.
British Columbia chief coroner Terry Smith said DNA profiles have been taken from the first three feet. He declined to comment on the investigation or the new finding.
Linteau said missing persons files were also being examined.
Curtis Ebbesmeyer, a former professor of oceanography at the University of Washington who studies floating objects, said when the third foot was found that the feet could have drifted from as far as 1,000 miles away. Ebbesmeyer said the feet could have been severed or detached from their bodies on their own.

Now so far, we have what appears to me to be a series of victimless crimes.

Is "plane crash" really the best explanation we have for this phenomenon? Apparently, it's the one that the authorities are giving us. The chance of four random feet being right feet (and not left feet) is one-half to the fourth power, aka 6.25%. When you add the fact that all four feet were clad in socks and gym shoes, the plot thins. No, wait - not thins. It thickens. THICKENS!

Other theories besides the plane crash? Serial killer. Boating accident. Great white shark with a taste for every part of a jogger except his right foot. Actually, there are many theories. But we like Matty's the best:

It's definitely a hockey player's foot. They just use the tennis shoe to cover up the fact that it was a hockey foot. They take junior hockey seriously up there, and if they can cut off the right foot of an opposing player, they can only compete in the disabled hockey program. This gives the non-disabled team a big advantage. On that note, you will see a few more Canadian skaters with one foot playing in the disabled hockey championships. They tend to have longer mullets to compensate aerodynamically to slumped right side of their body.

Now there's a theory that makes sense. Get that man on the investigation, ASAP. Whoever is charge of Canadian crime-solving, whether it's the Royal Mounted Police or Wayne Gretzky or Celine Dion, get Matty on the case.

The police are saying that DNA evidence is necessary to get to the bottom of this one. Law enforcement officials have been working around the clock on this case: "All we got is, it's a foot in a shoe," said Cpl. Nycki Basra.


We will spare you, dear readers, all the cheesy jokes a la "the shoe is on the other foot" and "those poor soles" and so on. But we do have to admit, we're a bit stumped here... We will keep you posted on new developments.


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