Tuscon Photo Journal

Big Hurt Feelings

Is it just us, or has there been an awful lot of mud-slinging going down? First Oswaldo Guillen calls Nomar "a hypocrite" and says A-Rod is "full of shit." Now, Kenny calls Frank Thomas "an idiot."

Now he's playing for the White Elephants.

Ken Macha loves his new lineup. He claims that each team "is a contender in February."

By the way, let's congratulate Billy Beane on picking up Frank the Tank, whom Billy calls "the ultimate Moneyball player." Good work, Beane. Your team consists of Milton Bradley, Jason Kendall, Eric Chavez, and a bunch of high school pitchers.

And Barry Zito.

Billy Beane, you are a true genius.

Watch out, Pierzynski.

Joseph "no middle name" Crede is giving A.J. a run for his money in what apparently is the White Sox Spring Training Kentucky Waterfall Derby. That is definitely a hesher in the making.

Fastball, curveball, changeup: she no speak english.

We like his 94 mph cheese. His change ain't too bad, either. But, he's only good enough to be the number 5 starter in the White Sox rotation, behind John "Judy" Garland. Maybe it's his shoddy mechanics.

Which means forget about opening day, Javy. Your first start will be against some bush-league belly-itcher.

He calls his shot: "Detroit's season, off two rails, into the side pocket."

You wonder why Detroit is a piss-poor franchise. They are horrible. They haven't had a winning season since 1993! Sparky Anderson? Travis Fryman? Is this ringing any bells?

Of course it isn't.

When your bullpen is shooting stick while "waiting to get their pictures taken," I think that's a sign that winning the pennant isn't at the top of the list.

Hot Carl

"The world is round? Says who? I'll believe it when I go up into outer space and see it."

He actually said that, no joke!

Welcome to Seattle, Carl.

That makes 8 teams for you, you know.

"8 teams doesn't bother me," said Carl the other day. "That means I'm wanted."

Sure thing, Carl. You hit the nail on the head, as usual.

I mean, Carl Everett's always right.

Says Ryan Dempster, "Carl Everett is the best player in the major leagues. Just ask Carl Everett."

Our favorite Carl quote:

"Clearly, The Phantom Menace was the best of the six Star Wars films. All Jedi had was a bunch of muppets."

Mercy!

Dougie's Goin' Deep Tonight!

Enjoy the weather in San Diego, you free-swinging hack.

Our East-Coast man, "Free-Ballin" Colin, sent this our way the other night. Anything regarding the RedSox is Hot Pipes material, and this is no exception. OK, so it's a little out-of-date, but it's still pretty good.

A Day in the Life of Doug Mirabelli

9:00 Shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed

9:01 lets out blistering fart and takes 90 second piss on his hands - farts 5 more times

9:03 drinks 3 raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge

9:05 take out leftovers from the Kowloon poo-poo platter for 3 he picked up last night

9:15 grunts at his wife and gives hid kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone

9:17 takes a dump

9:22 sings Van Halen in the shower

9:25 shaves and leaves his goatee

9:30 takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror - screams out loud "Dougie is going deep tonight"

9:45 puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tanktop and gets ready to leave

9:50 grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he'll see them tomorrow

9:57 pulls onto Rt 1 with Led Zeppelin blaring- cuts three people off- gives the finger to all three people

10:15 pulls into Fenway park - tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks Nomar in

10:16 puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his family's life if there is one scratch on his truck

10:22 walks into clubhouse and calls Nomar a homo for the the first time time today and 350th time this month - asks Nomar if he misses his boyfriend Lou Merloni

10:27 takes a shit - leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by

10:30 gives Nomar a deadleg and calls him a homo

10:33 stuffs Derek Lowe in a locker and pisses on him

10:37 goes through a 10-minute handshake with his boy Tim Wakefield

10:45 takes Pokey's headphones off and steps on them- says until he is hitting .250, no music

10:50 Francona walks by and Dougie cuts him off and says "Is Dougie DHing the first game?"

10:51 Francona runs and hides behind Schilling

10:55 tells Trot that if Dougie played 162 games, his numbers would look like this: .375 72 Hr's 52 Doubles 9 Singles 6 Walks 220 K'S

11:17 writes back response to to fan's letter: "Hey Pussy, I don't wear batting gloves because they are for pussies, like your boyfriend Nomar "

11:30 walks out to batting pratice with a tanktop on

11:45 after no stretching, steps into the cage- ignores the 5 bunts standard procedure

11:47 takes 25 cuts - hits 17 over the monster and misses the other 8

11:48 calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang Nomar for mixing in a curveball after Dougie hit one onto the pike

11:55 Tackles Nomar and gives him wedgie - calls him a pickle smoker

12:00 Dougie's daily order of Double Chicken Parm from Joe Tecci's arrives

12:07 Dougie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Nomar's locker

12:15 Tito posts lineup - Dougie sees he is not the DH - calls Francona a pussy. Francona runs behind Schilling

12:25 Dougie gets naked and takes 25 swings in front of the clubhouse mirror- announcing "Dougie is going deep tonight"

12:45 takes a shit - uses Nomar's $350 silk shirt to wipe his ass

1:05 game starts - Dougie tells Francona he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers. Francona hides behind Schilling

1:25 Dougie annouces he is ready to pinch hit in the bottom of the first for Nomar

1:45 Abe Alvarez comes in - Dougie tells him he sucks and will back at Trenton by 7 tonight

1:55 Dougie's 4 Fenway Franks arrive - pays with Nomar's credit card

2:15 finishes shopping with Nomars credit card- maxed it out at Auto Zone

2:30 dozes off

3:30 sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells the whole team they suck except for him and Wakefield

3:33 annouces himself ready to pinch hit

4:30 Sox lose game - Dougie tells Francona he should have DH'ed him - Francona runs away

5:00 Dougie tells Nomar singles are for pussies

5:30 Dougie takes BP again- refuses to bunt

5:33 Dougie hits 22 pitches over the wall: 11 fair - 11 foul - all pulled - he misses 15 pitches

6:00 Dougie sees name in lineup - calls Francona a pussy for batting him 9th - Francona hides behind Schilling

6:05 Dougie demands to bat cleanup

6:25 announces that "Dougie is going deep tonight"

6:30 dinner arrives - 2 steaks from the Capital Grille - Dougie pours steak juice into Nomar's locker - makes Derek Lowe eat the fat

6:35 Dougie gives D Lowe an atomic weedgie

7:00 tells Wakefield to show some balls tonight and don't throw anything in the dirt

7:10 scoreless first - Dougie tells Francona it must be the catching

7:25 while waiting in on-deck circle, tells fans "Dougie is going deep tonight"

7:27 Dougie screams at pitcher- tells him he is a pussy and he is taking him deep

7:30 Dougie hits bomb off the wall - coasts into second - almost gets thrown out

7:31 tells pitcher his fastball sucks - tells shortstop and second baseman that he "didn't get all of it"

8:15 Dougie ropes a rocket to third - third baseman takes all day and still turns a double play on Dougie

8:16 fans boo Dougie

8:17 Dougie tells family of 4 to fuck off and steals some kid's hot dog

8:18 Dougie is tired and is happy he it into a doubleplay - he did not want to run the bases anymore

9:10 Dougie strikes out on an inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs- calls pitcher, catcher and ump pussies

9:30 9th inning - Dougie is exhausted - walks out to the mound and calls Embree a pussy and tells him to just bring the heat - Dougie wants to get home

9:50 Dougie showers - and walks around the clubhouse naked - tells the Globe's Dan Shaugnessy and Gordon Edes to blow him

9:55 Dougie shaves - and leaves a goatee

10:00 Knocks Nomar off his exercise bike - calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse

10:10 cuts off 4 redsox fans - gives the finger to everyone near

10:25 arrives at Kowloon Chinese Restaurant on Rt 1

10:45 sits down at bar and digs into his poo-poo platter for 3

12:00 stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn - goes for a dip in his above-ground pool

12:10 leaves dirty undies on his neighbor's windshield

12:15 walks into house naked and screams "who saw the bomb I hit tonite???"

12:30 wakes up whole neighborhood

12:45 takes 35 swings naked and orders porn

12:55 pulls out bucket of KFC and gets ready for movie

1:15 Dougie passes out on couch

No Dice

Like Tom Petty, they won't back down.

Don't blame Russia later, when the war starts.

They tried. They really did.

We've been following this story for a while now. Things are starting to heat up. The bed is made, all someone has to do now is sleep in it.

The UN report comes out on March 6th.

Circle the date on your calendars, because pretty soon after that, a bunch of warplanes from the USS Nimitz or some other ridiculously massive aircraft carrier are gonna take off and dump all sorts of crap on Natanz.

Ya dirty, no-good, Bible-readin', pork-chop-eatin', malt-liquor drinkin' disgrace!

Chicago Gold

More proof that America is the best country on the planet. Holland is a distant third.

Shani Davis, a 23 year old kid from the South Side of Chicago, became the first black athlete to win an individual gold medal in Winter Olympics history. On Saturday, he blew away the competition in the 1000 meter speed skate. He was the favorite, and already held the World Record for that distance.

It sure as shit ain't a Cubs hat.

Then, after winning the gold, he takes a victory lap around the ice in a White Sox hat.

What a stud.

If I ever see him at the Happy Village, I'm buying him a Hamm's.

But, as always is the case, you cannot achieve glory in the unblinking eye of the public spotlight without controversy, and in this case, controversy is named Chad Hedrick. This self-loving douchebag from Texas got mad that Shani withdrew from the team skate competition to prepare fully for the 1000, which is his specialty.

Chad claims that if Shani was a real team player who cared about his country, he should have raced in the team event, and not focus on his best discipline (and what was, in hindsight, pretty much a guaranteed gold medal for the Yanks).

However, Chad just wanted to win a record-tying fifth gold medal in these games, and he says that the US team "can't be beat if [Shani] skates." So, basically, he wanted Shani to not focus on his best event, and guarantee Chad his 5th gold medal.

Greedy bastard.

Get off your high horse, Chad.

Drunken Tree Embarrasses Stanford Band

Goodnight Irene.

In another scandal involving long-time bedfellows alcohol and the Stanford Band, the Stanford tree mascot has been relieved of its duties by the band.

According to the Assistant AD over at Stanford, the fifth-year biology student inside the tree suit was "taking drinks inside the tree. The officers could see the flask through the costume."

The girl in the costume, Erin Lashnits, was breathalyzed after officers noticed her dancing on the court during a game on February 9th, which is allowed during home games. Prolem is, this game was at Cal.

She blew a 0.157.

Not bad, Erin. Not bad at all.

Apparently, this is a big deal because it violates the Stanford Band's 3-year alcohol ban, and the tree mascot is for some reason considered part of the band. The ban has been in place ever since that drunken bus ride through LA back in odd-3.

Give a bunch of nerds from Southern California some instruments, put them on a bus, and they bring peppermint schnapps and vomit in the sink.

Pansies.

A Few Sandwiches Short of a Picnic Basket

Iran is pretty upset at someone over something.

The temperature is rising in Tehran. The situation has not calmed down. Despite serious threats by the U.N. watchdog nuclear committee, Iran's radical islamic government is not budging. Now, they've also got Cuba, Venezuela, Syria, and Bolivia on their side.

Not a group of countries you want to run into in a dark alley at night.

This is the national coalition equivalent of The Village People. You got Iran, the disenfranchised radical terrorist state, teetering on the brink of sanity and flirting with nuclear power. Venezuela is the oil-rich, pissed-off, America-hating backseat driver, with a power-drunk Chavez cheerleading his OPEC buddies. Then you got Bolivia, with its cocaine-harvesting Indian president, poking its powdery nose in other people's business. Cuba is no rookie when it comes to full-scale international nuclear conflicts, either. They have a track record of stirring up trouble ever since that thing with those whatever-you-call-ems back in '62.

Fidel.

Not exactly a lightweight.

And Syria... well, Syria's kind of like the red-headed step-child in this whole mess. They're just along for the ride.

For some reason, they don't like Jews either.

Now, even France (the home of Glass Joe) has stepped in. They say that Iran is not intending to use nuclear power for energy, but for weapons. Paris says Iran has a clandestine nuclear weapons program and that Iran doesn't want anyone to stop them.

Listen up, y'all. I'm fixin' to make me some nukyular weapons! A dang, man! A ding-dang-doo!

Iran has claimed to have up to 2,000 nuclear centrifuges, used for isotope separation. However, to make nuclear weapons Iran needs about 60,000 centrifuges total. So, as of right now, we ain't in any danger. But, if these psychos keep on making these things, they could be dangerously close to high-scale uranium enrichment in a year or two, which would be bad.

Because then, the threats will start, and Washington will get nervous, and our president will park an atomic submarine in the Persian Gulf, or send some planes up from Diego Garcia, and then we will have another Iraq all over again.

His favorite song is "It's Raining Men."

In four days, Ahmadinejad is meeting with the Russians in Moscow, where they will try to convince him to move his uranium enrichment operation to the Russian Federation. If Iran agrees, then this conflict is likely to boil over. However, if this nut-job continues his duty-dance with death, then we will all be in a world of pain.

This is a big meeting, folks.

White Sox, White House

Sadly, Willie Harris is the smartest man in this photo.

In a star-spangled, all-American celebration, the World Champion White Sox were invited to the White House to meet the President, tour his famous home, and act like a real championship baseball team. But why is Paul Konerko making that face? What is he thinking?

Nice neck-warmer, Pierzynski.

I heard he set off a couple alarms with that thing. The Secret Service thought that the Canadians were trying to burn down the White House. Again.

Jermain Dye and Dubya share a laugh at Konerko's Jewish joke.

I don't know if I like the fact that Dubya gets his own Sox jersey. The man is hated by 99% of all people outside of the Bible Belt, and now he's sporting our gear. Not happy.

Not happy at all.

Clinton Portis

Dr. I Don't Know

While we can no longer enjoy CP's weekly freakshow during which he puzzled reporters, stunned teammates, pleased the public, and turned his press conferences into a mockery, he has published a timeline of his characters on his official website.

How can you not love it? His farcical displays made Thursday my favorite day of the week.

In case you missed it, all of his Thursday press conferences can be watched on redskins.com TV on the Washington Redskin's official website.

Polamalu Injures Ankle, Refuses Haircut

How long's your ponytail now?

According to the only pool reporter allowed by the NFL to watch the Pittsburgh Steeler's practice, Troy "Goldilocks" Polamalu "tweaked" his ankle in practice yesterday. Officialy listed as probable, Polamalu is an impact player on Pitt's D, often coming into the box for run support, and an integral part of the Steeler's blitz packages.

He has been a manimal in the playoffs, and the guy hits like a freight train.

If he is out, or slowed down at all, Mack Strong and Shaun Alexander could have a little easier time finding holes to run through.

He's been icing jack-and-waters since you were in diapers.

Ben Roethlisberger likes the sauce. Git 'er dun, Ben. Win the big game, then go drink yourself stupid. I'll be cheering for him. I won't be as drunk as him, but I'll still be cheering.

Life ain't fair.

Try not to get shot in the ass.

Again.

Ballsy. Stupid, but ballsy.

What's the Iranian word for "straightjacket"?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, our favorite Middle-Eastern hothead, is at it again. We don't know how he does it, but once again he has raised the bar. When it comes to borderline warlords, this guy is second to none.

He is good.

The latest jibba-jabba is about Iran's nuclear power program, which has come under the scrutiny of pretty much every civilized country in the world (except for Cuba and Venezuela), as well as the blue-nosers down at the UN. Everyone wants Iran to stop its nuclear development, and have threatened to call them before the UN's Security Council. Mahmoud countered by saying that he will not allow his program to be monitored.

Here's the kicker: If the UN does tell them to stop, Mahmoud said he will have no choice but to begin uranium enrichment, which we all know is the first step to developing A-bombs.

Hey Mahmoud, here's a bit of advice: If you want to use nuclear power to light your homes, run your stoplights, and warm your citizens, fine. But when you start saying you wanna nuke the Jews, people are gonna get upset.

Houston, we have a problem.

I don't say this very often, but I sure am glad I'm not living in Israel. Your prime minister is riding the midnight train to Slab City, those Islamic militants just won the election next door in Palestine, and now a bloodthirsty Iranian tyrant is saying he's gonna send a couple warheads your way. That's a spicy meatball.

Groundhog Day

He saw his shadow... again.

For many years, Punxsutawney Phil has been like a brother to us. Like he does every year, Phil emerged from his den today to a wild crowd, and did what he does best: prognosticate the weather. According to several sources, Phil is the best meteorologist north of the Mason-Dixon line. But this year, besides being just a weather expert and a national treasure, Phil is... a Steelers fan.

He crawled out of his den draped in a Pittsburgh Steeler's terrible towel.

Now, if you're a member of the Seattle Seahawks, you can't be happy that the best weatherman this country has to offer is standing on the other sideline, at least metaphorically.

Is it me, or has Phil gained a few pounds over the years?

Massive Korean Enters Ring, Stinks

Korean Frankenstein vs Ex-underwear model

In case anyone missed last friday's K1 showdown in the Tokyo Dome, I will fill you in on a superb fight. While there were no thrilling knockdowns, no roundhouse kicks, not even a flying knee to the head, it sure as shit was fun to watch a giant, giant Korean chase Remy "the Flying Gentleman" Bonjasky around the ring. A two-time world champion. Not exactly a lightwieght. If you know anything about K1, you know who Remy is. If you've ever seen one of his fights, you know what he does: He beats the living shit out of people, and looks good doing it.

His opponent? Hong-Man Choi (Korean Frankenstein), in a fight scheduled for 3 rounds.

Remy Bonjasky, the Dutch kickboxer, is 6'4" and weighs 230 pounds. Hong-Man is 7'2" and weighs 355. You gotta love K1. In no other sport do you see such a size difference in the ring. It was like Greg Ostertag vs Spud Webb.

It was money.

Remy won the fight (by unanimous decision), but barely. The Korean bullrushed, swung wildly, and kept on a'comin. The Dutchman tried several times to kick his freakishly huge opponent in the face, and almost did, but he was stopped by the fact that the Korean was just too fucking huge. His work on Hong-Man's lower body is what got him a tough victory, which was all he was looking for when he scheduled this fight.

Remy's old, but he's still got some go in him.

We've been waiting a long time for this.

Vegasinsider.com has the Chef as a four-point dog.

The matchup of the century is upon us.

Southpark's Chef boasts an impressive heavyweight tape measurement, and a voice that's smoother than a hot comb over nappy hair.

Wu-Tang's Chef counters with his Shaolin Kung-Fu fighting style, coupled with "mad, crazy, bust-yo-shit-open beats." It's too close to call folks.

Buffer better be calling this one.