More Reasons To Hate Australia

Boobs are fun.

We here at HPO have always been fans of breastststststs. In fact, we think they're great. They should be celebrated and praised. Songs of glory should be sung, sculptures should be carved, sacrifices should be made. To be honest, we think that 90% of the world agrees with us.

Not in Australia. We have the proof right here:

Court fines bare-breasted Aussie barmaid

CANBERRA (Reuters) - An Australian barmaid has been fined for crushing beer cans between her bare breasts while an off-duty colleague has been fined for hanging spoons from her friend's nipples, police said on Wednesday.
Police in Western Australia said the 31-year old barmaid pleaded guilty in the local magistrate's court to twice exposing her breasts to patrons at the Premier Hotel in Pinjarra, south of the state capital, Perth.
The woman "is alleged to have also crushed beer cans between her breasts during one of the offences", in breach of hotel licensing laws, police from the Peel district of Western Australia said in a statement.
The barmaid and the hotel manager were both fined A$1,000 ($900), while an off-duty barmaid was fined A$500 for helping to hang spoons from the woman's nipples, police said.
"It sends a clear message to all licensees in Peel that we will not tolerate this type of behavior in our licensed premises," local police superintendent David Parkinson said.

Where's the harm in this? A woman has the god-given talent of being able to crush aluminum cans in between her own cans, and she gets fined for it?! The government should be paying her for this amazing skill set.

This is ridiculous. And, to add insult to injury, her co-worker gets fined for being her accomplice and hanging spoons on her nipples. Seriously, Australia must be the only country where it is illegal to hang spoons on somebody's nipples.

Grow up, Australia.

We know who we're not voting for.

Elections are just around the corner in Australia, so maybe somebody will step into power and get rid of this ridiculous ban on bare-breasted beer-crushing. Hopefully. Please. God. Do something.

But, unfortunately, one of the leading candidates for Prime Minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd, finds himself in the middle of a scandal after television cameras caught him digging into his ear and eating his earwax.

Gross.

The Washington Post called it "stomach churning." Fellow Australians are calling it "bloody disgusting." HPO is calling it another reason to hate Australia.

Here is the footage of the future leader of Australia eating his earwax, 6-year-old style:

The Police Are Hard-Working, Honest

Officer, what seems to be the problem?

This story came over the horn from Brussels, the capital of the European Union and a shining beacon of class and dignity, a model for the rest of the world:

No brothel visits when on duty, Belgian police told

BRUSSELS (Reuters) - Police patrolling the red-light district of the Belgian capital have been ordered to stop visiting brothels and drinking in bars when on duty.
A letter sent to officers in Brussels' northern police district, and published in a Belgian daily on Tuesday, urged them to set a good example and earn the public's respect.
"These officers think their duty hours are to be used to drink alcohol in bars, practice sports..., visit brothels or massage parlours, and entertain (intimate) relationships with residents of the neighborhood during their patrol," said the letter from a local police chief.
"It is only by setting a good example that the police can make itself respected," the letter said, urging officers to adopt more conservative behaviour.
A police spokesman confirmed the letter was authentic, but said the police chief had only reacted to rumours of officers behaving badly while on duty.
"There was no concrete evidence to substantiate any wrongdoing by police officers ... If there had been, they would have been prosecuted," said spokesman Roland Thiebauld.

Hey, good work guys! Way to put those tax dollars to good work. We kinda wish our job was to walk the streets of the red light district, stopping in to all the local saloons and whore-houses, having a quick whiskey or an elegant rub-n-tug before we even had our first coffee...

Have another one, Kwasniewski.

Former Polish president Aleksander Kwasniewski got himself in trouble again...

Actually, to be more precise, former Polish president Aleksander Kwasniewski's uncontrollable desire to constantly be drunk got him into trouble again, as he gave a speech on a nationally-televised montage show earlier this month.

Pretty much every country in the world denounced his atrocious behavior during his speech about relations with Ukraine, but Kwasniewski claims he did no wrong, despite the slurred speech and absent-mindedness.

Kwasniewski, who appeared on the speech as lit up as a Christmas tree, denies being drunk. However, he did admit that he "may have had a glass of wine or maybe 10." But, according to the former president, that does not warrant an apology from him: "I have the right to do what I want. I am a free man."

Very true, Mr. President. We can show up for work drunk, just like you can. Only difference is, we would not get our paycheck at the end of the month if we spent our work hours drinking wine and womanizing, like you do.

Here is a brief translation of what he said during his drunken ramblings about Ukraine:

"Looking into the eyes of your women, one must be careful. The question is: Is time going faster than we think? I'll say it in French... In French, savoir vivre. This means that it is poss... possible. Now I'll tell you how I was wah... worried... Oh, nevermind."

Yet Another Reason to Hate Australians

Crocodiles are dangerous.

Apparently, the fine country of Australia can't go one week without one of its citizens making a total and complete jackass out of themselves. Here is the latest in a long string of utterly stupifying news stories involving the mental incompetence of Australian citizens:

Austalian swimmer dives head-first into crocodile

Sydney - A tourist who was attacked by a crocodile while swimming in an Australian river was so drunk that he fell asleep at his campsite before going to hospital for treatment, a report said on Friday.
Matt Martin was camping in an area of the northeastern state of Queensland known to be inhabited by crocodiles when he drank what he later described as "half a slab" - or 12 cans of beer.
When he dived into the river at Cow Bay in the topical far north of the state, he landed on a crocodile.
After a brief wrestling match with the reptile, Martin emerged with gashes on his face requiring 40 stitches, The Australian newspaper reported.
Admitting his face was "pretty messed up" when he went back to his campsite, Martin, 35, from Newcastle city north of Sydney, then slept for seven hours before seeking medical help.
His injuries were so bad that when he finally did make it to hospital, he was holding a blanket to his face to stop the bleeding, the newspaper said.
Crocodiles inhabit most of the waterways in northern Australia and although attacks on humans are rare, they are potentially very dangerous and numbers have increased in recent years due to official protection after fears they might be wiped out by hunters.

Wow. We have said many times in the past: "Alcohol and night swimming are not good companions." Great job, drunken Australian construction worker. It takes a true idiot to dive into a river and land, head-first, on a crocodile. Not only are you lucky you survived your drunken midnight swim, but then you unexplainably decide to "sleep it off" and not go to the hospital for twelve hours.

Way to go, Australia. Keep up the good work, you inbred retards.


Here is a video of a cat giving a massage to a dog. We don't know what the hell this means, but we think it's pretty funny.

Get up offa that thang.

As loyal readers of this website will remember, we wrote about James Brown's insanity about a year ago. So we thought to ourselves, "James Brown's insanity is very, very humorous - let's build on that theme."

So, here's a video clip of James Brown doing a TV interview while under the obvious influence of any of a variety of mind-altering substances:

He just doesn't seem to care at all. His care-free attitude is almost admirable. "Assaulting his wife and then firing a gun at the car she was in"?! Holy shit. That is in-fucking-sane.

Now, before you accuse us of bashing James "Mr. Dynamite" Brown, let us clear the slate and say that we here at HPO are big, big, big fans of Mr. Brown's. But the thing is, when someone's insanity is this hilarious, it would be a tremendous waste to not mention it.

Here is a clip of James in his hayday, giving dancing lessons:

Today's Stupid Animal News

Fine animals.

So, this story came in over the wire about 15 hours ago:

1,200-Lb Horse Saved From Swimming Pool

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — A 1,200-pound horse is safe after rescuers used a wrecker to pull the animal from a swimming pool at a Knoxville home. Mountain, an award-winning show horse, was pulled out a little more than two hours after owner Deborah Black found him shivering in the pool Tuesday.

The 27-year-old horse's trainer, David Cunningham, said Mountain apparently wandered onto the property and fell into the tarp-covered swimming pool sometime Monday night.

Authorities say Mountain will be treated with antibiotics to stave off pneumonia and will be watched for signs of internal injuries.

Hey, great job people!!! Congratu-fucking-lations. Just how, exactly, do you lose a 1,200 pound show-horse? Most people have no problems keeping track of their dogs, and those weigh about 30 pounds.

Do you just let your prize-winning horses wander about aimlessly? Do you just sit on your couch, drinking your moonshine, until you decide to go look for him? And why, in the name of all that is good and decent, did it take you two hours to remove him from the pool once you found him?!

Insane.

Well, if that video proves anything (which it doesn't), it's that it can be difficult for a horse to get out of a swimming pool, even if there are steps into the water. Unfortunately, the video doesn't show how difficult it was to get the horse into the pool in the first place, so it is a bit of a letdown.

We didn't know birds could like gay music.

Meet Snowball, the dancing cockatoo. He was brought to an Indiana animal shelter a few months ago, with a Backstreet Boys CD attached to his cage. When the animal shelter manager played the CD for the bird, she was shocked. She says she "almost fainted at the sight."

We found the video on youtube, and it is pretty amazing:

Bill Cosby

Cliff Huxtable.

Bill Cosby may have been the driving force behind the definitive comedy show of the 1980's, but deep down inside he was just another young man from the ghettos of Philadelphia. In high school, he was a baseball star. After school, he joined the Navy. Only when he began tending bar in a local Philly saloon did he discover his talent for comedy.

Cosby is also fondly remembered for his Jello ads from the mid-80's.

Now let's compare Bill Cosby to Eddie Murphy, another comedy legend. Murphy was raised in a poor Brooklyn home, and his father was stabbed to death when Eddie was just eight years old. While now he is widely considered as one of the best stand-up comedians of all time, in his youth he was inspired by the immortal Richard Pryor and by Bill Cosby himself.

We agree that Eddie is one of the funniest men ever to walk the face of the earth, but we must question him for banging Mel B from the Spice Girls.

Yuck.

She looks like a sea lion. She probably eats baby cows whole. When she steps outside, wild animals run for cover. They know a hungry beast when they see one. What a land monster. Having sex with her must be like trying to cut an angry wolverine's toenails.

Now, back when the Spice Girls first made it big, Mel B actually looked really, really good. But now, she looks like a crack addict's nightmare.

But, when Eddie Murphy makes fun of Bill Cosby, it's one of the funniest things in the world:

We Hate Australia

God, do we hate Australia.

We don't try to be secretive about our deep hatred for Australia. What an awful country, in all senses of the word. Who, in their right mind, would want to go to a giant island full of kangaroo-eating slackjawed bush-yokels?

Awful, awful, awful.

So, as you can imagine, when we read this news story over the weekend, we couldn't believe it. As if we needed yet another reason to hate Australians?! Now we get some moron who falls off a balcony on the ninth floor of a building, dressed only in his underwear, and yet the cruel hand of fate lets him survive the 100-foot fall by crash-landing on a gazebo that broke his fall.

Natural selection, it would appear, does not apply to Australia.

Because on any other normal continent, this jackass would be dead. That's the beauty of nature: It has a way of eliminating those stupid enough to fall off a ninth story building in their underwear. Not in Australia, though.

Now, some of you probably think we are being a bit hard on Australia. To be fair, Australia did give us the precious gift of Elle Macpherson, and they also gave us the subtle joy of Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter:

But, then again, Australia also gave us the insane drunken misadventures of Russell Crowe...

Tinkle.

So, the Ontario Ministry of Natural Resources has a guide on its website with some pointers on how to react if you encounter a bear in the wild. But nowhere on that list does it say whether or not you should throw a shampoo bottle at the bear's head as hard as you can...

Bears can be pretty mean. They can also be pretty good at catching fish. Which leads us to today's Jack Handey story:

My Hero: A Fish Story By Jack Handey

The greatest fly fisherman I ever knew was a big bear of a man. When he stood up straight he was well over six feet tall. He had powerful, hairy arms and massive, hair-covered legs. His body was also hairy. For some reason he kept his fingernails and toenails long and sharp.
He didn't need a lot of fancy equipment to catch fish. In fact, most of the time he didn't even use a rod and reel. He would just wade out in the river, reach down, and catch a fish with his bare hands. Sometimes he'd just stick his head underwater and catch one with his teeth!

He didn't believe in highfalutin, "politically correct" ideas like catch-and-release. Whatever he caught, he ate--usually right there, while it was still alive. Once I even saw him eat a muskrat. The only thing he liked better than fish was honey. He'd sniff out a beehive and tear it open with those long fingernails of his. Sometimes the bees would sting him and he'd let out a big roar of pain. I'd usually start laughing and he'd charge over and swat me across the head, opening up my scalp. But it was all in good fun. Besides fish and honey (and the occasional rodent), I think the only other thing I ever saw eat was garbage.
It's funny how someone can be so good at one thing, like fly-fishing, and so terrible at other things, like driving a car. That's the way he was. Suffice it to say that whenever he got behind the wheel, nine times out of ten we'd end up rolled over in a ditch someplace, on fire.
He didn't say much. In fact, hardly anything. He'd puff and growl if he didn't like the story you were telling, and you'd usually have to play dead until he calmed down. But then, after another bowl of whisky, he'd be ready for the rest of the story.
He seemed to follow his own set of rules. For instance, he never wore any clothes. And trust me, he didn't like you trying to put clothes on him. Another one of his quirks was, well, he stank. He never bathed and his breath was terrible. Even after you offered him a mint, and he took the whole roll away from you and ate it, his breath was still bad. At least when he would defecate, he'd go in the woods.

Even worse, he had a drug problem. More than once I saw him staggering around, disoriented, with a syringe stuck in his buttock. The authorities would come and carry him away, usually in a net hanging underneath a helicopter. But a few days later he'd be right back, raring to fish.
And boy, could he fish! In fact, when other fishermen saw him coming, they'd usually run away, screaming, because they knew they wouldn't be catching anything while he was around.
After the fishing season ended, he seemed to lose interest in just about everything but sleeping. I think he'd sleep right through the winter if I let him, which I finally learned to do, after repeated skull bites.
People ask what was the most important thing I learned from him about fishing. I guess it would be that you don't need to be a slave to matching the hatch. A lot of times you'll get just as many fish by chasing them into shallow water and pouncing on them. Or by stealing them from other fishermen.
The odd thing is, I never knew his name. Some people would yell out "Griz!" when they saw him, but I don't think that was it. I tried calling him "Lonnie" for awhile, but that didn't seem to stick either. When I think back on it, all I can do is scratch my head, and then wince, from the stitches in my scalp.
But this spring I discovered the most surprising thing of all, when I saw him again after the long off-season. With him were two of the cutest, hairiest little children I had ever seen. And then it finally hit me: The greatest fly fisherman I ever knew wasn't a man at all, but a woman.

We Should Have Seen This Coming

He's a natural man.

So, even though there were a few humorous animal stories in the news today, we decided to switch gears for this Friday's post: Today, we're going to talk about pederasts.

More specifically, we're going to discuss Gary Glitter, the former "Glam Rock" star who is currently serving time in Vietnamese jail for child pornography charges. Now, we've never been to hell before (although our one-way express ticket has been purchased and we're pretty sure we have a place reserved there for us), but we imagine hell is pretty close to being in Vietnamese jail for kiddie porn charges.

Gary Glitter (real name Paul Francis Gadd) was jailed back in 1999 after he took his computer into a store to get it repaired. The technician at the store became alarmed when he discovered "more than 4,000 images, mostly of young girls but many of young boys" on Glitter's hard drive.

The images showed the young children, aged 2 to 10, engaged in "most humiliating sex acts" which the judge referred to as "filthy and revolting" and "of the worst possible type."

Even though his computer was confiscated in England, he is incarcerated in Southeast Asia because he was later arrested in Vietnam for having sex with six Vietnamese girls and women between the ages of 11 and 23.

Apparently, Glitter really likes the Hong Kong phooey. But, this comes as a shock to all of us. Come on, Gary Glitter and underage Vietnamese boys? It's surprising to even think about, because Glitter always seemed so normal.

Above, we have the music video for "Do You Wanna Touch Me", one of Glitter's most famous songs (another popular version of this song was performed by Joan "The Selfish Lesbian" Jett).

Here is an excerpt from the lyrics:

Every growin' boy needs a little joy, all you do is sit and stare

Beggin' on my knees, baby won't you please

Run your fingers thru' my hair

My my my whisky & rye, don't it make you feel so fine?

Right or wrong, don't it turn you on

Can't you see we're wastin' time?

Do you wanna touch? - Yeah! Do you wanna touch? - Yeah!

Do you wanna touch me there? Yeah!

Do you wanna touch? - Yeah! Do you wanna touch? - Yeah!

Do you wanna touch me there? Where? There! Yeah! Oh!

Now if that isn't blatant pederast propaganda, I don't know what is. Combine these perverted lyrics with the strange hand gestures in the video, and what you end up with is basically a big neon sign with the word "GUILTY" on it.

They say that hindsight is 20/20, but Jesus... This Glitter guy is a big-time sleazeball. How much more of a scumbag could he be? OJ Simpson looks like Mother Theresa next to this despicable pedophile.

Dogs and Ducks: Love or Hate?

Waiting to become a hamburger.

In today's post, we will attempt to answer a burning question that mankind has been struggling to answer for many centuries: Do dogs and ducks love each other, or are they ruthless enemies that will do anything they can to destroy each other?

But before we get to that, we wanted to comment on this story that we stumbled across while surfing the internets earlier today:

Cambodian police take cow into custody

PHNOM PENH, Cambodia - A Cambodian cow was taken into police custody for causing traffic accidents that resulted in the deaths of at least six people this year, a police official said Tuesday.

The cow's owner could also face a six-month prison term under a new traffic law that holds people responsible for accidents caused by their animals, said Pin Doman, a police chief on the outskirts of Cambodia's capital, Phnom Penh.

The white, 5-foot tall cow was standing in the middle of a main road Monday night when a 66-year-old motorcyclist crashed into the animal and died. Most Cambodian roads are dark at night.

Earlier this year, the same cow was responsible for another traffic accident that resulted in the death of five people and several injuries, when a truck veered off the road and crashed as its driver tried to avoid the animal.

Pin Doman said he was holding the cow at his police station.

He said the cow's owner had been warned four times in the past to keep his cattle leashed and could face prison time if relatives of those who died initiate legal proceedings.

So many questions come to mind: Does the cow get its own cell, or does it share a room with other inmates? If so, does the cow get the top bunk or the bottom bunk? If the cow is to be executed, does it get to eat whatever it wants for its final meal? What about visitation? Can its cow relatives come to see it? Did the cow get mug shots taken?

Now, to be fair to the cow, we assume the cow will receive a trial by jury. Since people should be tried by "a jury of their peers", does this mean they will file in 12 barnyard animals to decide on a verdict? Can the cow decline the option of legal counsel, and choose to represent itself in the court of law?

And how about the judge? Shouldn't they pick a vegetarian to preside over the proceedings, seeing as a meat-eating individual could be biased by the delicious qualities of the cow, and unjustly order it to death by BBQing?

So many important questions, it makes your head spin...

Love or hate?

While, at first glance, it may seem that dogs and ducks have little or no relationship, the truth is much more complicated than that.

Some of you may note that dogs are commonly used in duck hunting. While this is certainly true, would this have any bearing on the complex interpersonal relationship between the duck and the canine? Would the duck hold a grudge against the dog for assisting its human master in the hunt? The answer probably isn't as simple as that.

So, we turned to youtube for answers. As usual, we live by the motto "If you can't find something worthwhile on youtube, you probably aren't trying hard enough."

Well, in this video, while they definitely seem to be annoying each other, it is tough to decide with any certainty whether they love or hate each other:

Ok, so the question is not answered yet. This next video, which also shoes a duck and dog interacting, seems to indicate that they do not get along as well as one might think:


But, when we saw this last video, the question was answered once and for all. After watching this video, we were convinced that dogs and ducks, underneath all that barking and quacking, really do have a soft spot in their hearts for each other.

Mercy!!!

Jack Handey Halloween

This is a video clip of Jack Handey reading his work over on some radio station in New York. Now, the version now on youtube is obviously just a recording that some guy made of the radio broadcast... The misspelled words and other third-grade level grammatical mistakes tend to undermine the literary genius of Mr. Handey. But whatever. Halloween's right around the corner, and the story is hilarious.

Enjoy.

Monkeys Fighting Dogs

Thank god for the police department.

This pearl of a story came in on the wire over the weekend:

Officer's Shots Save Skunk Stuck in Jar

CARROLLTON TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — Officer James Kellett knows it's job to serve and protect — even when it comes to nature's stinky black and white creatures.
When a skunk with its head stuck in a salad dressing jar wandered into the Carrollton Township police station's parking lot, he grabbed a pellet gun and shot at the jar from about 40 feet away.
The shots cracked and shattered the jar, leaving a glass collar around the skunk's neck. With its head free, the skunk ran off.
"I didn't want to use deadly force, and it is a residential area," Kellett told The Saginaw News. "The way he was when he took off, he was able to eat, breathe and spray — and do anything else skunks like to do."
Kellett didn't get much in the way of gratitude, but he's grateful the skunk didn't spray. But there is one bonus — the makers of T. Marzetti's salad dressing are sending the officer coupons good for free dressing as a reward.

To serve and protect, indeed. Keep up the good work, Officer. The community owes you big time for this one, you minority-oppressing prick. After freeing the skunk from the "T. Marzetti Supreme Caesar salad dressing" jar that was stuck on its head, we imagine you had a pretty eventful crime-fighting afternoon... You know, getting cats out of trees and helping old ladies cross the road.

Perhaps you even sent out an APB on a large box of strawberry cream donuts... Gotta love those cops!

But while exposing the ineptitude of the police force using skunks and caesar salad dressing as examples of their incompetence is a fun, we need to move on to the real subject matter of this post:

Dogs and monkeys fighting each other.

Now, dogs and monkeys are not natural enemies, at least not in the way that the ants and caterpillars are natural enemies, or in the way that Britney Spears and common sense are natural enemies. But when dogs and monkeys meet, their hair-brained antics are usually a lot of fun to watch. So we spent our morning "researching" the depths of youtube in search of monkeys...

And dogs...

Fighting each other.

Confused Moose Thinks He's a Cow

He looks cute and innocent until he is mercilessly hoofing you to death.

Recently, people have been asking us why we only focus on "pointless animal headlines that result in the reader being stupider than he was before reading them."

Well, we don't know the answer to that. That being said, here is today's meaningless animal news feed:

CANNONBALL, N.D. (AP) — When Beverly and Ernie Fischer gathered up their cattle this fall in Morton County, they rounded up a little more than they expected. We were moving some cattle, and we got a moose," Ernie Fischer said. "He thinks he is a cow," said his wife.
Ernie Fischer said it was difficult to get the young bull moose away from the cattle, and workers put it in a separate corral until it could be released. The moose also broke fences on the ranch 20 miles south of Mandan.
It's not the only such incident in south central North Dakota this year. Emmons County rancher Sam Gross recently reported a lone bull moose in his cattle herd, and a moose also was spotted in a cattle herd in McIntosh County.
Information from: Bismarck Tribune

A word of advice to Beverly and Ernie Fischer: Be careful around them moose, people. What may at first appear to be a clumsy, awkward deer is actually a ruthless killing machine capable of beating the bejesus out of your brain with his hooves and palmate antlers.

Featured in the incredible video above is "Patches, the amazing horse."

That video really makes us feel stupid and worthless. Those guys beat us to the punchline! Why couldn't we think of training a horse to ride in our car, eat cheeseburgers, fetch us beer, answer our telephone, and lay down to sleep in his bedroom? Are we that moronic and mentally inept?

Now, although we regularly contemplate numerous hypothetical situations involving animals, we have never once stopped to consider the fact that a horse can eat cheeseburgers. We just honestly didn't think that horses liked to eat cows. Which makes one wonder whether there are laws against feeding your horse fast food. Because if hamburgers are unhealthy for humans, they gotta be unhealthy for horses, too.

But, then again, if your daily diet consisted of oats, carrots, and sugar cubes, we're pretty sure you would eat a hamburger if only you could, so maybe we shouldn't be so hard on Patches' owners for taking him out to the drive-thru.

Anyways, when we found the video clip on youtube, we read some of the comments below it, and here is one by a guy named "londonrev":

the horse is great, but i'm sure there's probably an x-rated version of this same film.. you can love your horse, just don't 'love' your horse.. Plus feeding him burgers is ridiculous - Mad Cow disease was started by having meat from other animals in the cow's feed, which affected their brain - it's just asking for trouble.

Wtf?!

What the hell is wrong with this guy? You see a very intelligent and obviously highly-trained horse like Patches, and you instantly assume that his owners are banging him? Grow up, you human paraquat.

Show a little maturity. Jesus.

Your Leg Is Mine, Not Yours

Hugo and Mahmoud are good pals.

Hugo Chavez, shown above lost in the magic moment of a genuine manhug, is the president of Venezuela. He is also a staunch opponent of America and its tyrannical president, George Walker Bush.

But now, apparently he is a singer too. He has released a CD of himself singing "traditional Venezuelan songs."

Yes, traditional Venezuelan Songs like "It's Raining Men."

So, here is the only thing we could find that remotely resembles Commandante Chavez singing. It's pretty awkward, and "El Presidente" seems to have a very hands-on approach to the young man who he is singing with:


In other news, today's story is about the strangest and most ridiculous we have heard in a long, long, loooooong time.

Two men in North Carolina are feuding because they both claim that they are the rightful owners of one of the men's amputated legs, which was left in a barbeque smoker that one of the men sold to the other.

Please, dear reader: If you do anything worthwhile today, anything at all, read this story. It's pretty amazingly ridiculous.

Just how amazingly ridiculous is it? Well, it's as amazingly ridiculous as a scuba-diving horse:

The flippers on his hooves are a nice touch.

Ok, so we understand why the owner of the leg is upset. It was his arm in the first place, and not only did he go through the process of "mummifying it and then drying it in his front yard", but he wants to get buried with it. In all fairness, he lost that leg in the same plane crash that killed his father.

We would want it back, too. (NOTE: "We" refers to the royal 'we', aka the editorial 'we').

But, then again, the guy who found the leg in the barbeque has a pretty solid case, too: "It's a strange incident and Halloween's just around the corner. The price will go up if I get the leg."

Not only that, but he is offering the original owner "joint custody" of the amputated leg. Hell, it seems like a perfectly fair solution to us.

Drunkenness.

According to Modern Drunkard magazine, 90% of all drunken incidents are entirely preventable. We'd venture a guess and say that this news story is part of that 90%:

"Burglar" turns out to be drunk neighbor

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - A man in an eastern Dutch town went home last Saturday to find his lights on and his inebriated neighbor welcoming him at the front door with a drink.
The drunken 53-year old, who lives two doors down in the small town of Gasselternijveen, had broken into the wrong house after finding that his key didn't work, according to a police report. His furniture looked different, his dog was missing.
The drunken neighbor was arrested for trespass, but has since offered to pay for damages.

And, to close off today's post, we include a video clip of George W Bush giving a speech. A pretty damn good speech. Actually, it's not so much a speech as it is a stand-up comedy routine, but this impressed the pants off of us. Enjoy the moron president in rare form, for as a friend of this website once said, "The coliseum gets noisy at times, yet it seems to find time for the common man."

Bushy:

Lay Off

This is one of Farley's best moments. Thanks to TAOALT for reminding us that this existed.

God Bless Romania

Welcome to the good side of the fence!

As you probably know, Romania was graciously accepted into the European Union on January 1, 2007. And, in honor of this amazing accomplishment, we would like to give credit where credit is due, and portray Romania in the most positive aspect possible.

That is why we have prepared a photo essay of the charming, delicate sides of life in the fine, flowering country of Romania. Hopefully, these pictures will help break down the barriers that have been holding Romania back for so long, and may the negative stereotypes be reduced to nothingness.

We are trying to get rid of all the negative sentiments surrounding this country, and hopefully we can stop people from automatically assuming that Romania is a backwards, under-developed third-world pee-on.

Long live the strong, advanced, powerful nation of Romania! Aaaaarrrrrrgh!!!