Pan-Kun

The good people down at Baseball Prospectus have some 'splaining to do after missing this up-and-coming young talent.

When we first watched this video, we didn't know what to think. We don't say this often, but this has to be hands-down, far-and-away the best thing we have ever seen. Whoever came up with this idea and logistically made it possible should instantly be given a solid gold house and a rocket car. Enjoy this, dear HPO readers. It is outstanding:

Let's break down the at-bat:

0-0 Pan-Kun thought the first pitch was a brush-back heading for his earhole, and bailed early. Ball one.

1-0 The pitcher throws a solid curveball that freezes Pan-Kun, but the pitch is a tad high, and the ump correctly calls Ball two (despite the catcher's best efforts at framing the pitch).

2-0 The ape wisely lays off a pitch up and out of the zone. Ball three.

3-0 For some reason, Pan-Kun decides to "take one off", swinging at what probably would've been ball four, and would have resulted in the tying run scoring. Instead of taking a walk, he tries to be a hero and swings for the fences, but comes up empty and looks pretty ridiculous in the process.

3-1 In the catbird seat, Pan-Kun has decided to swing before the pitch has even been made. He is looking for the local, but gets the express, and is way late on a hittable pitch that caught a lot of the plate.

3-2 Full count, bases loaded, down by one run. Despite the immense pressure, Pan-Kun keeps the bat on his shoulder, lays off a high fastball, and plates the tying run, only to take a cocksure lead at first and get picked off to end the inning.

Defensively, he has a play on one fly ball, but clearly loses it in the clouds. Then, when he finally locates the ball behind him in the grass, his relay throw only travels about 5 feet.

Hey, if he works on his game and doesn't lose focus, he could be a 27th round draft pick in 2015.

The Cubs could use him.

PAN-KUN UPDATE:

Mr. Wake has a summary of some of the adventures of Pan-Kun and his dog, James. It is absolutely hilarious. Check it out here.

This appears to be Pan-Kun's official website, but it's pretty hard to be sure. It seems to be administered by the good people at JVC. Chances are, you won't be able to understand any of it, but still worth a look if you have a few minutes to kill.

A King Hangs Up His Crown

The end of a dynasty.

Right at the top of our list of things to do this summer is making a trip out to see The King and His Court, the legendary barnstorming softball team that has wowed small-town American audiences for the last 60 years. Eddie Feigner, the ex-Marine with the golden arm, is hands-down the best softball pitcher in history. His fastball, listed as one of the top-10 pitches of all time by ESPN, is an urban legend of Dalkowski-like proportions. His accomplishments are second-to-none, and to be honest, we think we would burn in hell if we didn't make an attempt to see this man as he tours this great country of ours for the last time.

His touring team, The King and His Court, began as a bet: Already known for his superb pitching ability, an opposing team claimed that Eddie couldn't beat their squad with just a four-man team: A pitcher, a catcher, a first-baseman, and a "roving" shortstop. Needless to say, Eddie Feigner accepted that challenge, and in front of 400 spectators, took on that other team with just 3 players backing him up. The result?

Eddie pitched a perfect game, striking out 19 batters. His wife was the catcher.

This was the birth of the "Harlem Globetrotters of Softball." As it became more and more apparent that nobody could touch the King, Eddie and his 3 teammates began experimenting with new ways to thrill audiences.

Throw the ball really hard. That way.

Feigner began pitching blindfolded, not only from the mound but from second-base, sometimes even striking out batters from center field. Blindfolded. He also pitched from behind his back and between his legs. He would load the bases on purpose, just so he could strike out the next three batters with style. His fastball was clocked at 104 mph, but his greatest achievement has to be the show he put on at Dodger Stadium back in 1967. He struck out the following men, in order:

Willie Mays

Willie McCovey

Brooks Robinson

Maury Wills

Harmon Killebrew

Roberto Clemente

And, they were all at the peak of their careers.

Tag 'em and bag 'em.

Yesterday, off the coast of Florida, Captain Bucky Dennis caught a new world-record hammerhead shark. He and his crew fought the shark for five hours. It dragged their boat 12 miles away from shore. They fought a 1,200 pound shark for five hours! I get tired when I walk up a couple of flights of stairs, for the love of God. Good effort boys.

Motivation

No caption necessary.

A Texas-sized thank you goes out to our friends over at The Hater Nation. They found a great new time waster that cost us 95% of our productive work time today. This poster site is really pretty cool, when you think about it. You put up a picture, and write any caption for it, and they turn it into a poster. For $1, you get the hi-res version. Or, if you're cheap like us, you can just use the smaller version for free. And, it seems like this site is fairly new, seeing as there's only about 180 posters in their gallery.

Here are some of our favorites:

C is for "Chest Hair"

Separated at birth?

Tom Jones and Neil Diamond just might be twin brothers. Many similarities between the two men exist: Both have voices that make women instantly break down and weep hysterically. Both have had long tenures as music legends. Both have art-deco haircuts and superfluous chest hair. Listening to the music of either while at work will result in mockery and degradation by coworkers. Yet, inexplicably, Tom prefers to go to war in tight leather britches, while Neil prefers the simple comfort and breathability of blue jeans.

A country that loves the sauce.

Lithuania, long known for its remorseless alcohol abuse, is home to Vidmantas Sungaila, who was recently pulled over for reckless driving. His blood alcohol content was 75 proof. This man just raised the bar for drunkards everywhere. Wow.

Steven Seagal is Nuts

Look at me when I talk to you, punk.

A fan favorite here at HPO is researching the darker sides of famous celebrities and determining whether they are, in fact, completely insane. This time, we have a gem for you faithful readers.

Today's addition to the celebrity insane asylum file is none other than Steven "Above the Law" Seagal. After doing some extensive research on him, a few things became apparent: Steven is, amongst other things, a sexual predator, violent lunatic, mafia piss-ant, pathological liar, and crappy musician.

We digress:

Exhibit A: Steven has ventured into blues music. And despite his best efforts to convince the listening public otherwise, this is no down-home Delta blues. His new album, which includes songs entitled "Alligator Ass", "She Dat Pretty", and "Talk to My Ass", is as overly pretentious as it is musically tasteless, and makes David Hasselhoff look like Diana Ross.

Here are some sample lyrics from Seagal's "Mojo Priest":

I got someone new

You and I are through

But baby we're cool

We're cool like a polar bear

When you see my new girlfriend

You're gonna have to change your underwear

He is currently on tour with his band, "Thunderbox."

Exhibit B: Seagal pulls no punches in the pursuit of perverse pleasures, say the numerous women who claim to have been sexually assaulted by the actor. The best first-hand account comes from South-Side native and blonde bombshell Jenny McCarthy:

"They were casting Playmates for Under Siege 2," she recalled. "I was the last audition, dressed frumpy and plain, the way I usually go, and I walk into his office and it's only Steven. His office has a huge shag carpet - shag, I'll repeat that, shag - and a huge screaming casting couch. Casting, casting, casting, casting couch. And he says, 'Listen, I can't tell what your body looks like with what you're wearing, so why don't you stand up and take off your dress?'"

"I started crying, and I said, 'My video's for sale for $14.99, go buy it if you want to see.' And I ran out to my car, and he grabbed my arm and followed me and said, 'Don't ever tell this to anybody.' I was like, 'Dude, you are gonna regret this one day."

It may be tempting, but sometimes you just gotta keep it in your pants.

Another woman interviewed anonymously by Vanity Fair claimed that Seagal made her sit on the same casting couch, and then took off her top and fondled her breasts, claiming he was looking for her "spiritual meridian points."

Let's get one thing straight: Scum-bunch moves like these are pulled by 14-year old boys and dirty old men. Seagal is a multi-millionaire, not to mention famous movie star. If you're Steven Seagal, there's gotta be better ways of getting a pair of cans in your hand than borderline molestation. Shame on you, Seagal.

Exhibit C: Seagal has numerous ties to Italian and Japanese mafia syndicates. The Gambino family was extorting a lot of money out of him, to be honest. To this day, it's not exactly clear what was going on. Thanks to the good people down at Court TV, the whole affair is meticulously documented and you can read all about it.

Connery.

Exhibit D: Apparently, Seagal thinks he's King Shit. Always eager to prove that he is the most bad-ass martial-arts guy on the planet, Seagal has reportedly injured many stuntmen on the sets of his various movies. His go-to moves include kicking male stuntmen in the nuts to see if they are wearing cups, and manhandling men who claim to be martial arts experts. He broke Sean Connery's wrist demonstrating an Aikido wristlock on the set of "Never Say Never Again."

But, the highlight of it all is an unconfirmed report of the time that Seagal was on the receiving end of some heavy-duty martial arts. It's in the middle of the page, but it's there.

Conclusion: Steven Seagal is, in fact, completely nuts.

Ballsy... Stupid, but ballsy

Frank and Man-Soo share a laugh over memories of porking hookers in Kansas City hotel rooms.

White Sox fans showed some rare class yesterday as Frank Thomas received a standing o, even after taking John "Judy" Garland's fastball on a one-way ride to the cheap seats. We here at HPO wondered if the fans were gonna boo Frank the Tank, which would have forced us to agree that Sox fans are the worst out there. During's Frank's 16 years in Chicago, there were good times and there were bad times. While Chicago baseball fans will be quick to point out Thomas' childish behavior in contract talks, his cavalier approach to team management, and the endless disputes over financial issues such as his sprawling Oak Brook mansion, the city remembers Frank for his effortless swing, his eagle eye, and his clutch hits.

Yo! Where's Burt Reynolds, sweetheart?

We're guessing that the sign in that picture only stayed on the air for a few seconds. But goddammit, that's long enough.

May I Have Some More Bread, Please?

He looks like he's harmless, until that ball of fesces comes flying past your head.

It looks like Nigel Tufnel was right, after all. This news story, which we received in our mailbag, proves that our furry ancestors may actually be smarter than we give them credit for. Now, there's documented empirical proof. Good work, men in white coats.

Watch out.

Apparently, Ricky Manning Jr. thinks that kicking the crap out of people in Southern California and then fleeing the scene in an SUV blaring chimped-up hip-hop is a Bears tradition.

Go ahead, lock him up for four years. Like a Panther was gonna make our defense better anyways.

"My solos are my trademark."

Now, there's some speculation as to whether this clip that you see below is real, or some doctored Nike stunt, kinda like that Ron Mexico commercial that aired a few years back. Now, we are aware that Ronaldinho is probably the best soccer player on the planet, but this clip is pretty on-believable.

Bellhorn's Big Night

Bellhorn's been struggling ever since deciding to "slow his bat down."

On Wednesday night, Mark Bellhorn of the San Diego Fathers earned himself a hallowed Golden Sombrero. We believe it is the first Golden Sombrero of the 2006 MLB season (if anyone knows of any others, please let us know). For those of you who do not know what a Golden Sombrero is, we shall explain.

If, in a baseball game, you get four plate appearances, and stike out four times, that is a Golden Sombrero.

OK, so just how bad is a Golden Sombrero? Well, in Formula-1 terms, it's the equivalent of your car blowing up before you leave the starting grid. In the NFL, it's like returning your own punt for negative yardage. In boxing, I guess the only equivalent would be knocking yourself out in the first round somehow.

To put it mildly, a Golden Sombrero is not an easy thing to achieve. Yet, somehow, Bellhorn pulled it off. He struck out 3 times swinging, but also changed gears by getting one backwards K, just to keep the pitchers honest. Bellhorn is a switch-hitter who hits lefties much better than he does righties, yet somehow he was struck out by left-hander Chris Capuano 3 times, and by southpaw Jorge "George" de la Rosa once. Hell, even Chan-Ho Park had a hit off Capuano in that ballgame.

Drugs.

In other news, rock-and-roll dinosaur Keith Richards successfully underwent brain surgery on Thursday in New Zealand after "falling out of a coconut tree." Apparently, the 62-year old was picking coconuts in Fiji when he lost his footing and went down hard.

Now, climbing a coconut tree is fairly difficult, especially when barefoot, because those trees have a nasty tendency of cutting your feet to pieces, and walking on sand with open wounds on the bottoms of your feet is probably not best practice. We know from experience. But the Stones are on a world tour, for Christ's sake, and their aging guitarist is climbing palm trees.

We wish Mr. Richards a healthy recovery.

The Apes of Wrath

Dubya has his priorities straight.

It's no secret that George Bush is a blabbering moron who reads, speaks, and understands at a third-grade level. He screws up just about every day. But a comment he made to a German reporter last week takes the cake. When asked what his greatest triumph was, Dubya responded: "I've experienced many great moments. It's hard for me to name the greatest. I would say that the best moment of all came when I caught a seven-and-a-half pound perch while fishing on my lake."

Catching a seven-and-a-half pound perch is a hell of an accomplishment in itself, because a perch that size is a monster fish. However, if Dubya is referring to a yellow perch, which we assume he is, then this would make him the U.S. record holder for that species. There's just something weird about being the President and listing your greatest moment as catching a perch, even if it did have a forehead.

It was bound to happen sooner or later, wasn't it?

Sweet Lou

Lotta growin' up to do.

On the ever-changing face of professional baseball, there is at least one certainty: Nobody gets ejected from a ball game with more class than Lou Piniella. Arguing balls and strikes is an art within itself, and noone does it with more poise, technical proficiency, and unbridled passion than the man in that video. Outstanding.

Jim Edmonds Update

Word on the street is that there's trouble a brewin' in the Redbirds locker room.

HPO field man Johnny Red, our resident St. Louis insider, is now reporting that Jim "SoCal" Edmonds' free-wheeling antics are causing team chemistry problems within the Cardinals' ranks. Here is what we received in our mailbag:

There isn't a high fastball he can't deposit in the shiny new right-field Busch seats, and he continues to make breathtaking catch after catch. Unfortunately, too much ass-time with his new butt buddy and Cardinals back-up catcher Gary "Steamin' Semen from Waukegan" Bennett has left much to be desired in Jim's attitude of late... Some heated words were exchanged in the clubhouse after Gary delivered an unauthorized towel smack to the bare ass of Jim with "Poppa" LaRussa looking on in disgust.

Jim relaxes in his favorite St. Louis bar, "The Man Hole."

Edmonds, a Gold-Glove centerfielder and suspected homosexual, also had his share of girlish escapades with fellow outfielder Larry Walker last year. Whether his fun-loving behavior will have an effect on the Cards' season remains a mystery.

Johnson.

For many years, we here at HPO have been desperately trying to find out if it is, in fact, possible to score just one point in an NFL game. You know, so the score would be, say, 35-1. We began to think, we began to theorize. We consulted the NFL rulebook.

Now, we know.

Since PAT's are blown dead the instant that the defense gains possession, it is very unlikely that a defense can even manage to score 2 points on a PAT. However, if the defense manages a safety on a PAT, then they are awarded 1 point.

Example: Let's pretend the Arizona Cardinals are playing the Denver Broncos. The Cards are down 7-0 to the Broncos with 2 seconds remaining in the 4th quarter, when Denver scores another TD, making it 13-0. Now, suppose Denver has serious problems with getting their PAT personnel on the field, and are hit with 20 delay-of-game penalties in a row, pushing them all the way back to their own 1 yard line. They finally get their players on the field, and a failed Student Body Left results in a 4 yard loss, and a safety for the Cardinals. The clock runs out, and the final score is Denver 13, Arizona 1.

It is possible.

Kenny Caught the Katy

April is over, which is bad news for Esteban Loaiza.

"2005 was a fluke. The Sox got lucky with their pitching staff. Kenny Williams gave up too much by trading Chris Young for Javier Vazquez. Thome won't be a good fit in Chicago. Paulie ain't comin' back. The Indians are gonna run away with the division."

During the offseason, we heard these types of things when people spoke of the White Sox. Everyone quickly credited last season's success to a temporary case of pitching dominance and team chemistry. "No way it could happen again," they all said. It was really, really easy to bash the defending champs.

But here we are, in May, with the Sox leading the division. We had some spare time, so we decided to crunch some numbers to see if we could get a better idea of how the 2006 team is shaping up.

First, we compared the team's performance to other MLB powerhouses during the first month of the season, and here is what we found.

The Sox lineup is batting .285 (4th best in baseball), has scored 149 runs (also 4th), has hit 34 taters (11th), is slugging .460 (7th), and has an OBP of .362 (5th).

Those are solid offensive numbers. Near the top in most of the major categories.

As for pitching, the Sox are in the top 10 in ERA, WHIP, and Saves, even though they aren't striking out very many batters. But the staff, as a whole, is getting the job done. It seems like for every pitching bad, there is a pitching good: Buehrle has a few rough outings; but Contreras is still unhittable. Garland struggles; but the bullpen shows improvement. "First Inning" Freddy tests positive for marijuana; but Vazquez is lights out.

Kenny dealt away a top prospect, but he left the Sox a mule to ride.

We hope everyone out there realizes just how good Javier Vazquez has been this year. He is looking a lot like 2003 Javier Vazquez, which means that he could be a force to be reckoned with, considering the additional run support that the Sox lineup can provide him. His peripherals are pretty similar to that '03 campaign, and apart from that 5th inning against Toronto back in April, his season line looks like this:

3 W, 0 L, 1.97 ERA, 0.84 WHIP, 6.47 K/9, 2.88 K/BB.

In other words, lights out.

The Cuban can also deal.

Jose Contreras has been getting the job done as well. Sure, he probably is a little older than he says he is, but when you're pitching the way he has been for the past, say, 20 starts, it doesn't really matter how old you are. Which also makes us wonder about Albert Pujols. Offcially, he is 26 years old. But when you look at him, he has the old-man-strength of a healthy 45-year-old, which makes us wonder if Albert didn't do a little tinkering with the old DR birth certificate.

Too much pie, that's his problem.

Splish-Splash looks bigger every time we see him. He's listed at 6-7 and 290 pounds, which is nose-tackle size. Supposedly, he's the "biggest" pitcher in the majors. In comparison, Sir Sidney Ponson is a featherweight at 6-1 250, and even perennial donut Bartolo Colon doesn't come close.

This ain't normal. It might not even be legal...

Some 33 year old guy in Malaysia married some 104 year old woman. While the marriage is his first, it's her 21st time tying the knot. Apparently, the happy new bride has been on a life-long quest to have sex with more people than legendary pervert Wilt Chamberlain, ever since she found out that Wilt was the only player in NBA history to block one of Lew Alcindor's famous "Sky Hook" shots. After that fateful moment, she vowed to have sex with as many men as she could, in hopes of surpassing Will's staggering "20,000 women claim."

We wish her all the best.