Eight Years Gone

You'll have that.

The world ain't exactly lookin' too hot these days. Lots of problems. Tons of them. So just how much has it changed over the past 8 years? Well, for one, Bushy looks a lot older. We think he may be a bit stressed out.

Let's do a little comparison, shall we?

8 years ago (we all remember this):

Today's version:

Shame On You, Boston

You people oughta be ashamed of yourselves.

Boston broke a new record in futility the other night, and we must say that we are genuinely shocked. If it had been a greyhound or a bull mastiff or something, we would have got it.

But a toy poodle?

Runaway poodle delays flights at Boston airport
BOSTON (AP) — Choochy the poodle is a "runway runaway."
Boston's Logan International Airport officials say Choochy escaped from her kennel as she was being unloaded after a flight from Detroit Saturday night and scampered across runways and taxiways.
Airport spokesman Phil Orlandella says the poodle evaded airport personnel for more than 17 hours and delayed at least eight flights.
About 15 state police, firefighters, operations personnel and even electricians chased Choochy late into the night, delaying flights for up 30 minutes.
Orlandella says the poodle was frightened, tired and hungry when she was finally lured to safety with food early Sunday afternoon.
The dog was treated for minor injuries at an animal hospital and returned to her family.

Those 15 firefighters and policemen and electricians... we have a few ideas about what to do with them.

Obadass

Hello Washington.

Obama's speech was good, but it wasn't the best speech we ever heard.

Shotgun Blast To Abdomen Just Pisses McCain Off Even More

John McCain is a maverick.

Everybody knows John McCain is a maverick. But what you may not know is that John McCain is also a crappy pilot, accused of losing five Navy aircraft:

1960 - McCain crashes his plane into Corpus Christi Bay while practicing landings - he claims the engine quit on him. An investigation reveals no evidence of engine failure.

1961 - McCain admits to "clowning around" in his plane over Spain, crashing into power lines causing a blackout which left Spaniards without electricity.

1964 - McCain crashes a Navy training plane while flying solo on his way to a college football game in Philadelphia.

1967 - McCain's plane is destroyed in an explosion on the deck of an aircraft carrier.

1967 - McCain's plane is shot down over Hanoi; he is captured.

Let's consult with the experts:

Three mishaps are unusual," said Michael L. Barr, a former Air Force pilot with 137 combat missions in Vietnam and an internationally known aviation safety expert who teaches in USC's Aviation Safety and Security Program. "After the third accident, you would say: Is there a trend here in terms of his flying skills and his judgment?"

Jeremiah Pearson, a Navy officer who flew 400 missions over Vietnam without a mishap and later became the head of human spaceflight at NASA, said: "That's a lot. You don't want any. Maybe he was just unlucky."

"Unlucky"? That's a bit of a stretch, isn't it, Jeremiah?!?

If McCain was a raging bull as a pilot, as a debater he can only be referred to as a deer in the headlights:

And if McCain is a deer, that makes Sarah Palin a big lumbering dinosaur who seems to think that the great state of New Hampshire is located in the Northwest. God help us if these people get elected.

Britney Spears Attractive?

Not too bad.

Contrary to all common sense, logical thought, and academic reasoning, Britney Spears came out with a new video in which she actually looks decent. While this may shock the general public, we here at HPO have always thought that sooner or later Britney would be back to her pickle-tickling ways.

Her career has been a tumultuous roller-coaster ride, filled with dizzying highs and devastating lows. She looked like a million bucks on stage with Michael Jackson, then looked like a soccer hooligan named Terry, then went tongues-in with Madonna in front of a shocked crowd, and then even looked like a slightly-confused sea lion.

But now, she actually looks pretty damn good in her new video:

Suck

Line 'em up.

John McCain's is not very good at debating, but I think we all agree that his debate strategy was better than Sarah Palin's debate strategy. Aside from his idiotic remarks in Nashville, McCain has been making many other faux-pas along the way:

Have You Forgotten How Good Palin Tastes?

Boy, these things sure are fast!

Sarah Palin week continues here at HPO, and man are we excited about it. She is just so intelligent, charismatic, well-travelled, worldly, classy, and dignified. Wait a minute, that's incorrect - we meant the opposite. The exact opposite. What we meant was that she is completely incompetent and she wouldn't know class if it came up and bit her in the ass.

But man, could she play some basketball!

Palin demostrates the three-man weave.

Aside from her mad hooping skills on the court, Palin is also a hell of an outdoorsman. Equally at home casting a dry fly into a sparkling-clean northern stream for rising salmon under the violet skies of a glorious Alaskan sunrise, or gracefully shooting timberwolves from the comfort of her very own helicopter, Palin never met an animal she couldn't kill. Look out, bull moose everywhere, because Sarah Palin is out there and she smells blood!

Per-doo was killin' Mich'gin err-lee on!

Sarah Palin Is Busy, Logical

Moose: It's what's for dinner.

Following the sane, logical, button-down theme of this election, it is now rumored that Governor Palin will be appearing on Saturday Night Live to get back at Tina Fey for her spot-on portrayal of the Governor during last week's show:

Some key McCain staffers are content with Palin joking about the "SNL" routines on the campaign trail -- as when she scribbled "I'm not Tina Fey" on a supporter's cell phone and said she'd dressed as Fey on Halloween. But others -- including the governor herself -- think a return punch on the NBC airwaves is what's needed.

Now, we never claimed to be political experts, but common sense is telling us that at such a critical moment in the election, taking a week of your time to prepare for an appearance on a sketch comedy show maybe a bit of a stretch. Now, we all know that SNL has had its side-splitting moments, so a potential Palin appearance does have its upside. On the other hand, it's not like we haven't seen Palin making an ass out of herself on live network TV before.

All this is pretty scary. We can remember the good old days, before the Vice Presidential candidates were announced. The Republican party was bashing Obama, saying that his pick for VP was invariably going to be someone from one of the swing states. The Republicans claimed Obama would pick his running mate to win votes, not for the good of the country. The Republicans claimed that Obama would pick his VP for political reasons.

The irony here is shockingly disturbing.

Oburgers.

After predicting Obama would select his running mate for political reasons, McCain then selects Sarah Palin as his running mate! Palin, a woman he had never met before in his life, is the most political pick he could have made. Ask yourself: "Did McCain pick Sarah Palin because she will make good decisions if elected, or did he pick her to win votes?"

To put things into perspective, look at Obama's running mate (Joseph "Joe" Biden), and ask yourself the same question. Obama, who has been criticized for lacking experience and foreign policy knowledge, picked Biden because he is experienced and very knowledgable about foreign policy. Biden is from Delaware, a state which doesn't really matter on election day.

Where's the politics in that?

There are a whole lot of things which don't really make sense in this election.

You Betcha!

This Is a Joke, Right?

"Nice to meet you. Hey, can I call you Joe?"

If the American public elects McCain and Palin, we here at HPO seriously think it's gonna be high time we all head to Canada. Seriously, after watching this brunette bimbo babble brainlessly for the better part of two hours, we needed a bottle of Ripple and a pack of Marlboro Reds to bring us back to reality.

Even more disturbing than the fact that she believes that global warming is not caused by man, even more disturbing than the fact that her answer to calls for free public health care is a $500 tax credit, even more disturbing than the fact that she knows absolutely nothing about the world ouside of Alaska, is the fact that somehow, someway, this floozy was asked to be John McCain's running mate.

McCain sure as shit didn't pick her - he hadn't even met her before! But somehow, she made it this far, and if there are enough idiot americans out there that are willing to vote for her because they buy into her "you betcha" bullshit, the US and A are in some serious trouble.

Palin winks during the debate.

Seriously, who winks at the camera during the vice presidential debate? Is it a big joke? Is she hitting on the cameraman? It's a little bit insulting, really, to think that this kinda crap is acceptable to the American public.

Joe Biden was not much better, but at least he "kept it in his pants" and didn't resort to winking at the camera. He completely fell apart when inaccurately discussing the Middle East, his supposed strong suit. Had Palin any international knowledge whatsoever, she might have called him out on it. But no, she grinned, and took it, and even hit the sob-story button when wistfully proposing that the American embassy in Israel be moved to Jerusalem.

Hey, Palin... Listen up: If you had ever been to Israel before, you would know that Jerusalem is a dangerous place, right on the border with the Palestinians. The American embassy seems perfectly safe and secure right where it is now, on a busy Tel Aviv avenue, facing the white beaches which line the sparkling Mediterranean, miles away from the nearest security fence or West Bank checkpoint. Maybe if you bothered doing your homework, you would know these things.

OK, so here are some Sarah Palin quotes from the debate (NOTE: All quotes are REAL, and appear EXACTLY as Palin said them):

"Nice to meet you. Hey, can I call you Joe?"

"One thing that Americans do, at this time, also, though, is let's commit ourselves, just, everyday American people, Joe Six-pack, Hockey Moms across the nation, I think we need to band together and say 'Never Again.'"

"Straight up"

"Uh, that is not so, but, because that's just a quick answer - I wanna talk about, again, uh, my... record on... energy, versus, your ticket's energy... ticket, also, uh."

"Certainly, accounting for different conditions in that different country and conditions are certainly different."

"Barack Obama had 94 opportunities to side on the people's side."

"But, here again, there have there have been so many changes, in the.. conditions of our economy, in just.. even these past weeks, says there has been more and more revelation made aware now to americans about the corruption and the greed on wall street."

"It is a crisis - it's a toxic mess on main street that's affecting wall street."

"I'm not one to attribute every man, uh, activity of man to the changes in the climate there is something to be said also, for man's activities but also for the cyclical temperature changes on our planet. But there are real changes goin' on in our climate. But I don't wanna argue about the causes."

"Barack Obama and Senator Obiden (sic) you have said no to everything"

"With tiny footprints, even on land, it is safe to drill"

"And heaven forbid, yes, that that would ever happen, um, no matter how this ends up, that that would EVER happen, with either party, um, as for disagreeing with John McCain, and how our administration would work, whaddya expect, a team of mavericks."

Palin Is Honest, Smart

Yee-haw!

Sarah Palin, apparently, lied about some of the things she claimed in her RNC speech. Yes, yes - we know. It's hard to believe that any politician, especially one as wholesome, well-respected, and intelligent as Palin, would ever tell a lie, but the proof is in the pudding:

It's gotten so bad that political expert Matt Damon has chipped in his two cents:

If you doubt Matt Damon's political resume (or that of his butt-buddy Affleck), this should alleviate all doubts:

Palin Remains Idiotic

Well, I - uh - yes!

Sarah Palin seems to be better at embarrasing herself than Dubya is... Which is pretty hard to do, when you think about it. But, she seems to be well on her way.

Happiness is a Warm Gun

Sarah Palin only smiles like this after killing a moose with her bare hands.

Boy, it must be exhausting to be Sarah Palin. Running around all day long, chasing moose, strangling moose, skinning moose, chopping up the moose, grinding the moose, forming the moose into burger patties, grilling the moose burgers, and so on. How does she manage to find time to continue embarassing herself in the public spotlight by proving again and again that she is an uneducated red-neck continue campaigning?

So, in this first video, Palin pretty much just behaves like a total nincompoop. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot - this is more like French-kissing the business end of a 10-gauge...

Right. And just when we all thought she couldn't lower the bar anymore, she further goes on to claim that she reads all newspapers. EVERY SINGLE ONE. When the newslady asks her to name a few of the papers she reads, Palin dodges the question and refuses to do it.

It's pretty clear that Palin doesn't even know what a Vice-President does, because if she did, she would probably realize that a Vice-President gets asked a lot harder questions than "Which newspapers do you read?".

So maybe, in all fairness, she's just practicing her question-dodging skills... But we don't really think that sounds plausible.