Friday Dwarf Update

Noone wants to be defeated!

Yes, that is a picture of a midget kicking himself in the head.

Why did we choose to start the post off with that disturbing image?

Well, we received this amazingly ridiculous story in our mailbag yesterday, and seeing as it is Friday today, we figured we had to write about it. So before you judge us, dear readers, please read the story:

Filipino 'dwarf' judge loses case

A Philippines judge who said he consulted imaginary mystic dwarves has failed to convince the Supreme Court to allow him to keep his job.

Florentino Floro was appealing against a three-year inquiry which led to his removal due to incompetence and bias.

He told investigators three mystic dwarves - Armand, Luis and Angel - had helped him to carry out healing sessions during breaks in his chambers.

The court said psychic phenomena had no place in the judiciary. The bench backed a medical finding that the judge was suffering from psychosis.

The Manila trial judge had asked the Supreme Court to dismiss the complaint and return him to the bench, after being sacked in April.

"They should not have dismissed me for what I believed," Mr Floro told reporters after filing his appeal in May.

The judge said he had made a covenant with his dwarf friends that he could write while in a trance and that he had been seen by several people in two places at the same time.

Judge Floro reportedly changed from blue court robes to black each Friday "to recharge his psychic powers".

In a letter to the court he said: "From obscurity, my name and the three mystic dwarves became immortal."

However, the Supreme Court said dalliance with dwarves would gradually erode the public's acceptance of the judiciary as the guardian of the law, if not make it an object of ridicule.

Pretty solid effort by the lunatic dwarf judge, if you ask us. Of all the ludicrous aspects in this story, the best is the names of the dwarves: Armand, Luis, and Angel. We here at HPO have never actually met a dwarf, but if we did, we wouldn't think his name would be "Armand."

Which leads us to the video section of this dwarf post:

Nice moves there, little Hindu midget. Apparently, this is a clip from a Tamil movie.

Here are some comments on the video:

Madjackster: "OMFG its a ghetto Ompalumpa [sic]."

FierySora1: "His constant smile is creepy."

FatCheesySloppyPie: "It is so obvious that it is just a midget who is a good dancer."

infinitelaughter: "wow -- love the kids powersmile -- great moves too -- this video rocks!"

slayer831: "This is the awesomest video created."

dieselboi91: "that little fucker creeps me out."

jlesser: "My mind, she is blown."

enemies: "Wow. That little kid is nasty with the breakin' and all."

NickSpahr: "A Topless Indian Baby Demi-Midget Krumping. This video has everything that I love. And also it has smoking. A+++"

Angstone: "This sassy little man needs his own personal fragrance line."

beenyroy: "Bet you he's got a massive schlong."

drrunk2211: "Sweet moves and an even sweeter dental plan"

nigelapplejack: "the little superstar is the messiah. midget breakdancing + dope beats + india = genious everytime. you can't mess up that recipe."

mp3ror1: "That's some disturbing shit right there."

Italians Hate Roosters

Roosters crow in the morning. It's what they do.

A man in Italy was fined after neighbors complained that his rooster was crowing in the morning and "waking them up too early." The neighbors in the small rural town apparently have no idea what roosters were put on this earth for. The man, who remained unnamed, plans on appealing the fine, which is approximately $300.

We here at HPO think this is borderline fascism on the part of the Italian government. Punishing a rooster for crowing in the morning is like punishing the sky for being blue or punishing water for being wet.

It's what the rooster is supposed to do, people!!!

What's next? Fining dogs for sniffing each others' butts? Locking up cats for chasing mice? Incarcerating bull moose for charging people with reckless abandon?!

Absolutely ridiculous. We haven't seen this kind of blatant poultry prejudice since the days of Oscar de la Pollo. But we expect the rooster will get his come-uppance. Those roosters can be pretty vicious, and there is documented evidence.

These rooster attack videos once again prove that if you can't find something worthwhile on youtube, you probably aren't looking hard enough. For your enjoyment pleasure, we have included the video titles as they appear:

"Rooster Attack"

"Rooster attacks Linda"

"My rooster attacking me"

"Rooster attacks Grandma"

The Second Coming

The primates have the upper hand.

It's been a while since we've written about the monkey problem in Delhi, India. One might even go so far as to say we've downright ignored it. But that doesn't mean the situation has improved. In fact, it has severely worsened.

The city is now completely overrun with hordes of wild monkeys. These animals are armed with opposable thumbs, sharp teeth, and a complete lack of regard for anyone else's well-being. The monkeys come to town from the Indian forests that are rapidly being cut down. Since the monkey is holy in Hinduism, nobody kills them.

To put things into perspective, let's compare the situation now to the situation a few years ago:

2006

Monkeys first run ruffshod through the streets of Delhi. They harass children, steal food, board public buses, and cause monkey-like mischief at their discretion. Monkeys enter a government building and shred hundreds of important government business papers. One man dies after a monkey drops a flowerpot on his head from the roof of an apartment building.

2007

Monkeys tighten grip on city. According to one distraught resident, the monkeys are now "taking away mobile phones, toothpastes, sipping coke after opening the refrigerators." Two dozen people are hurt when a group of monkeys rampages through a neighborhood. The monkeys are "even slapping women who try to chase them." But perhaps the harshest blow comes when the Deputy Mayor of Delhi dies after falling from his balcony during a monkey attack.

There's far too many of them around.

We started thinking about how awful it would be to live in this monkey-infested city, and so we thought about what we'd say to the mayor of that city, if we met him:

Dear Mayor Of Delhi,

Please accept our deepest condolences for the tragic and untimely death of your Deputy Mayor at the hands of blood-crazed monkey hooligans. His death, though shocking, serves as a fitting cross-section of the general malaise threatening your citizens every single minute of every day. The not-so-subtle irony surrounding the absurd circumstances of his passing almost does service to the piss-poor job you have done, Mr. Mayor, in ridding your fair city of its primate problem.

When the monkeys manage to kill the deputy mayor, we think it's pretty safe to say that you have a problem on your hands. And solving it won't be as easy as you thought, Mr. Mayor. We'd really love to hear your next wonderful plan for getting rid of thousands and thousands of monkeys. Remember your last brilliant idea, back in 2006?

You brought in BIGGER monkeys to try to kill all the smaller ones!!

Oh yeah, that one was a real pearl. Truly a breathtaking work of staggering genius, that one. It's pretty fucking hard to get outsmarted by monkeys, Mr. Mayor, but you and your busload of mental midgets down at city hall sure make it look easy.

The only thing more disgraceful than your failure to curb this atrocious tragedy is your seemingly genuine apathetic disposition throughout this whole sick affair, you incompetent buffoon.

We strongly suggest you quit twiddling your thumbs and pull your head out of your ass, Mr. Mayor. These monkeys are not going away on their own, and one can only assume that your half-hearted efforts to teach them our human ways have long since been drowned out by a thousand monkey voices, screeching throughout the now-empty streets of your shattered and shamed city.

We hope a monkey drops a flowerpot on YOUR head, Mr. Mayor.

Thank you for your consideration, have a great day, and please remember us to your loving wife.

Sincerely,

Hot Pipes

Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.

Delhi's monkey problem is real. It is not a joke, it is not a silly game. People's lives are at stake here.

This is a genuine, rectified, awful situation. An awful monkey situation.

THIS IS A REAL MONKEY PROBLEM PEOPLE!!!

As opposed to a fake monkey problem, like this one:

Mystery Fla. Animal Likely a Squirrel
November 17, 2007
MACCLENNY, Fla. (AP) — An animal sneaking around Baker County is not an orangutan as originally thought but likely a fox squirrel, state wildlife officials said Friday. Officers with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission laid doughnuts at a base of a tree after residents reported seeing a "big orange ball of fur."
The animal was probably an orange phase fox squirrel, Fish and Wildlife investigator Ken Holmes told The Florida Times-Union. The red-orange animals can grow to be about 2 feet tall and can climb in trees.
"I'll be astonished if it's an orangutan," Holmes said. "I can quite confidently say it's probably not an orangutan."
He said the animal's eating habits did not match with the patterns of a primate.
"I'm not discounting anything," Holmes said. "However, this creature, whatever it may be, simply isn't acting like a primate."

I Now Pronounce You Man and Bitch

In sickness and in health...

P.Selvakumar, a man from southern India, married a dog earlier this week in an attempt to ward off a "curse." Selvakumar claims that he has lost his hearing and become partially paralyzed after stoning two dogs to death for "having sex in one of his rice paddies" 15 years ago.

The dog he married, named Selvi, was dressed in traditional Hindu clothes at the ceremony. Her bubbly bridesmaids spent the morning preparing the hound so she would make her husband proud. As the rites were performed, the groom beamed with happiness, and the bride scratched behind her ear with her hind paw, obviously bothered by what probably was a tick. Rice was thrown, blessings were given, and a feast was enjoyed by the groom and his family (the dog was given a bun).

But the lovely bride was not without some pre-marital jitters: During the ceremony, the dog ran away and had to be chased and caught before returning to her future husband to complete the wedding rites.

Wedding guests speculated as to the canine's motives for fleeing at the last second, some citing nervousness, others claiming the dog was running away from the financial instability of her new life. Some guests even hypothesized that the dog simply got scared of the crowds.

Whatever the case may be, the newlyweds plan on spending the rest of their long lives together in happiness and fidelity. If that doesn't work, the groom will try to find a human wife after the curse wears off.

Either one.