Sunday, November 18, 2007

The Second Coming

The primates have the upper hand.
It's been a while since we've written about the monkey problem in Delhi, India. One might even go so far as to say we've downright ignored it. But that doesn't mean the situation has improved. In fact, it has severely worsened.
The city is now completely overrun with hordes of wild monkeys. These animals are armed with opposable thumbs, sharp teeth, and a complete lack of regard for anyone else's well-being. The monkeys come to town from the Indian forests that are rapidly being cut down. Since the monkey is holy in Hinduism, nobody kills them.
To put things into perspective, let's compare the situation now to the situation a few years ago:
Monkeys first run ruffshod through the streets of Delhi. They harass children, steal food, board public buses, and cause monkey-like mischief at their discretion. Monkeys enter a government building and shred hundreds of important government business papers. One man dies after a monkey drops a flowerpot on his head from the roof of an apartment building.
Monkeys tighten grip on city. According to one distraught resident, the monkeys are now "taking away mobile phones, toothpastes, sipping coke after opening the refrigerators." Two dozen people are hurt when a group of monkeys rampages through a neighborhood. The monkeys are "even slapping women who try to chase them." But perhaps the harshest blow comes when the Deputy Mayor of Delhi dies after falling from his balcony during a monkey attack.

There's far too many of them around.

We started thinking about how awful it would be to live in this monkey-infested city, and so we thought about what we'd say to the mayor of that city, if we met him:

Dear Mayor Of Delhi,

Please accept our deepest condolences for the tragic and untimely death of your Deputy Mayor at the hands of blood-crazed monkey hooligans. His death, though shocking, serves as a fitting cross-section of the general malaise threatening your citizens every single minute of every day. The not-so-subtle irony surrounding the absurd circumstances of his passing almost does service to the piss-poor job you have done, Mr. Mayor, in ridding your fair city of its primate problem.

When the monkeys manage to kill the deputy mayor, we think it's pretty safe to say that you have a problem on your hands. And solving it won't be as easy as you thought, Mr. Mayor. We'd really love to hear your next wonderful plan for getting rid of thousands and thousands of monkeys. Remember your last brilliant idea, back in 2006?

You brought in BIGGER monkeys to try to kill all the smaller ones!!

Oh yeah, that one was a real pearl. Truly a breathtaking work of staggering genius, that one. It's pretty fucking hard to get outsmarted by monkeys, Mr. Mayor, but you and your busload of mental midgets down at city hall sure make it look easy.

The only thing more disgraceful than your failure to curb this atrocious tragedy is your seemingly genuine apathetic disposition throughout this whole sick affair, you incompetent buffoon.

We strongly suggest you quit twiddling your thumbs and pull your head out of your ass, Mr. Mayor. These monkeys are not going away on their own, and one can only assume that your half-hearted efforts to teach them our human ways have long since been drowned out by a thousand monkey voices, screeching throughout the now-empty streets of your shattered and shamed city.

We hope a monkey drops a flowerpot on YOUR head, Mr. Mayor.

Thank you for your consideration, have a great day, and please remember us to your loving wife.


Hot Pipes

Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.

Delhi's monkey problem is real. It is not a joke, it is not a silly game. People's lives are at stake here.

This is a genuine, rectified, awful situation. An awful monkey situation.


As opposed to a fake monkey problem, like this one:

Mystery Fla. Animal Likely a Squirrel
November 17, 2007
MACCLENNY, Fla. (AP) — An animal sneaking around Baker County is not an orangutan as originally thought but likely a fox squirrel, state wildlife officials said Friday. Officers with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission laid doughnuts at a base of a tree after residents reported seeing a "big orange ball of fur."
The animal was probably an orange phase fox squirrel, Fish and Wildlife investigator Ken Holmes told The Florida Times-Union. The red-orange animals can grow to be about 2 feet tall and can climb in trees.
"I'll be astonished if it's an orangutan," Holmes said. "I can quite confidently say it's probably not an orangutan."
He said the animal's eating habits did not match with the patterns of a primate.
"I'm not discounting anything," Holmes said. "However, this creature, whatever it may be, simply isn't acting like a primate."


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