Iraq

Look at our current situation with this camel-fucker in Iraq:

Sure, you'll see some tank battles. But fighting in desert is very different from fighting in canopy jungle. I mean 'Nam was a foot soldier's war whereas, uh, this thing should be a fucking cakewalk. I mean I had an M16, Jacko, not an Abrams fucking tank. Just me and Charlie, man, eyeball to eyeball. That's fuckin' combat. The man in the black pyjamas, Dude. Worthy fuckin' adversary. Whereas what we have here, a bunch of fig-eaters with towels on their heads tryin' to find reverse in a Soviet tank. This is not a worthy fucking adversary.

Land mines are pretty vicious.

How long can this crap go on for? When is enough enough? Is it ever OK to throw in the towel and admit you made a mistake?

Whatever.

Anyways, it's Friday, so we decided to post a video of the members of "England's Loudest Band" at the zoo, having a deeply philosophical discussion about our monkey cousins:

Culture

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

We got this story by way of the AP:

Coach Stops Runaway Horse by Biting Ear

OKLAHOMA CITY (AP) — The coach of Oklahoma City's minor-league hockey team helped prevent a possible stampede of Belgian horses at the Oklahoma State Fair by biting one of the animals on its ear.
Doug Sauter, who coaches the Oklahoma City Blazers of the Central Hockey League, was at the fair Saturday attending the Centennial Expo's Draft Horse Show when he saw a Belgian horse break free from its reins. That caused a chain reaction that spooked other horses, he said Monday.
He bit the ear of one of the spooked horses to stop it from stampeding.
"That's how you stymie a horse," he said.
"You bite as hard as you can, and it won't move."
Sauter said he was only one of many people who aided an unidentified 62-year-old woman, who was injured after a wagon pulled by a team of horses tipped over and fell on her. She was taken to a local hospital in serious condition, according to a spokeswoman for the Emergency Medical Services Authority.
Sauter said the driver was able to get the horses turned and steered the wagon into a circle, which the coach said is a common way to prevent a stampede.
"If he had not gotten them turned, who knows where they would have gone," Sauter said. "The driver stopped them from a basic runaway."

Now, we here at HPO have never claimed to be horse experts, but we had no idea that the way to stop a horse was to bite his ear - hard. We are pretty sure that we always knew that the easiest way to get a horse to kick you in the head was to bite his ear (or put a cigarette out on his hindquarters).

Bears love garbage.

Most people's bear knowledge consists of bits of pieces of camping stories and old Yogi the Bear cartoons. Funny as they may be, those cartoons are not necessarily representative of the truth about bears. As it turns out, your average bear will sooner go for a trash can than your "pic-a-nic" basket.

Last week, a brown bear in Bulgaria got himself into a bit of a difficult situation when he broke into a building in the middle of the night and got his head stuck in a trash can.

According to the article, the bear "entered the building in the resort of Predeal through a window, found some food in a garbage can, and proceeded to lick its way to the bottom before its head got stuck in the bin."

When the bear was found at dawn the next morning, he was shot full of bear tranquilizers before being released: "Lightly groggy, the bear stumbled into the neighbouring forest after it was freed."

And everything is back to normal, just like nature intended: Bears under the influence of heavy sedatives crashing through the woods, wild and free.

And, we finish today's post with an excerpt from our favorite Middle-Eastern politician, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who was in America recently giving a speech to the bright, flowering young students of Columbia University.

Cleverly dodging questions about the comically ridiculous opression of women in Iran and his desire to "wipe Israel off the map", Dr. Ahmadinejad finally cracks when asked about the treatment of homo-sexuals in Iran.

In all fairness, as crazy as he is, we appreciate the fact that the email we sent him back in November was responded to by some fig-eater that works for Dr. Ahmadinejad.

Classy move on their part.

People From Oregon Are Intelligent

Big snakes do not belong in your mouth.

This edition of the "stupidest drunkard of the week" award goes to Matt Wilkinson of Portland, Oregon, who almost died after he was bitten on the tongue by a live rattlesnake that he had put in his mouth in a drunken rage.

After drinking a bunch of alcohol at a party, Wilkinson tried to impress his ex-girlfriend by putting the rattlesnake, which he had found on a highway three weeks earlier, into his mouth.

"I told her it was a nice snake," said Wilkinson. "Nothing can happen. Watch."

What happened next?

"It got a hold of my tongue."

Wow. Hey Matt Wilkinson, the reason rattlesnakes have rattles is so they can warn you that they are incredibly pissed-off. When they start shaking their tails, it means "back away slowly". It definitely DOES NOT mean "put me in your mouth."

But, then again, Wilkinson did have a pretty rock-solid excuse for his foolish behavior: "You can assume alcohol was involved... A mixture of stupid stuff."

We hear you, loud and clear. We've all been there before. You're at a party, enjoying yourself, having a good time, not bothering anyone... But then there's always that one guy who drinks way too much and then picks up a giant poisonous serpent and puts it in his mouth.

Happens all the time.

Japanese people are normal.

Since we haven't written about Japanese people for a while, we figured we had to make up for lost ground. In Tokyo last week, a hysterical woman charged into the middle of a sumo wrestling ring during a match. Not only did she disrupt the wrestling competition, but she also broke a sacred Japanese religious tradition - no women allowed in the sacred sumo ring.

She was restrained by a referee and one of the giant sumo wrestlers, whose name was Takamisaraki. "It's bad for the heart," said Takamisarki after he successfully "restrained" the woman. "What was the person trying to do while we were wrestling seriously?"

Good question, Takamisaraki. Nobody knows why this woman rushed the arena, but she was later found to be carrying a bunch of fliers that said "Help, bad spirits."

According to sources, ancient Japanese tradition forbids women from entering the sumo ring on the grounds that it is sacred and their presence, considered unclean, would pollute it.

Apparently, following the same train of thought, women have also been banned from entering gold mines or climbing mountains in Japan.

And now, in some more disturbing news, it appears that not only North American birds have been breaking the law recently. Rumors have long been swirling about chickens gangbanging and selling crack-cocaine in Sheboygan, but now we have proof that their European cousins are just as lethal.

Here is real video footage of Sam, the serial shoplifting seagull who has long been terrorizing the streets of Aberdeen, Scotland. A seasoned veteran of the shadowy underworld, Sam the Seagull is no tenderfoot when it comes to stick-ups. Note his cold-blooded technique, cool demeanor, and hesitance when asked questions.

On the streets, he is known as "The Bird Man of Aberdeen," and he is a true criminal.

Goodnight Irene: The Parrot That Changed The World

Alex will never count colorful blocks again.

Alex, the smartest bird of all time, died earlier this month, at the tender age of 31. As long-time readers of this site will note, we have written obituaries for birds before, which makes us experts at this. However, this eulogy is much more difficult to write than Oscar's was, as none of us ever actually knew Alex. But we can imagine that life is just as tough for a parrot from Africa as it is for a chicken from the Garfield Park ghetto.

We will attempt to do his life justice with the written word. Here we go.

Alex hatched in a regular pet store in 1976, during the heart of the hippie revolution, the "flower power" years, just after the end of the Vietnam war. Alex was an African grey parrot, bought by his owner, best friend, teacher, and hetero life-mate, Dr. Irene M. Pepperberg.

Hello, Dr. Pepperberg.

In addition to having a powerhouse last name, Dr. Pepperberg was a young doctor with brilliant fantasies of researching the intricacies of the avian mind. She fell in love with the parrot instantly, and trained Alex to speak and interact with humans. She quickly noted how special this particular parrot was.

Alex knew over 100 words, and even made up some of his own from time to time. He could identify about 50 objects, and his small parrot brain could even grasp the concepts of 'bigger' and 'smaller', or 'same' and 'different'. When asked questions, he answered correctly over 80% of the time.

He could express emotions, and he could even get annoyed. If he said "Wanna banana" and was given a nut instead, he would stare in silence, and ask for the banana again, or simply throw the nut at the researcher. Alex could even get lonely. Once, when Dr. Pepperberg took him to a visit at the vet, Alex said "Come here. I love you. I'm sorry. I want to go back."

Oh, what a lucky bird he was.

For the majority of his time on this here green planet, Alex lived a life of hard work, fine luxury, and constant learning and companionship. To his fellow grey parrot roommates and friends, he was a ringleader, a yardstick by which the merits of all other parrots were to be married. To the people in the lab with which he worked, he was an inspiration and he was a tough boss, ordering them around the lab with his high-pitched demands.

But to Dr. Pepperberg, he was more than just a pet: He was a dear friend, a loving family member, a beacon of light. He was her lighthouse, her compass. Over the 31 years they spent together, Dr. Pepperberg (NOTE: "Dr. Pepperberg" may be the best name we have ever come across, due to its similarity to the popular carbonated beverage Dr. Pepper, and to the easiness with which you can type it) shared her life and home with this feathered genius, and the two became very close.

That bird was like a brother to her.

Alex crunches some numbers.

So it is with great fondness that Dr. Pepperberg remembers the last time she saw Alex alive. It was Thursday evening, two weeks ago. They performed their standard goodnight routine, during which she informed Alex that it was time to go in his cage for the night. According to Dr. Pepperberg, Alex said "You be good. I love you."

"I love you too," Dr. Pepperberg replied.

"You'll be in tomorrow?" asked Alex.

"Yes, I'll be in tomorrow," said Dr. Pepperburg.

And that was the last time the two life-long friends would meet. The next morning, Alex's body was found in his cage. He was 31 years old, a spring chicken in parrot years, as they can live to 60 years of age. He has his regular physical a few weeks earlier, and was reported to be in perfect health. An autopsy could not confirm the cause of death.

Dr. Pepperberg has started an "Alex Foundation" to raise money for further parrot research, so that's worth a look if you are interested in helping the cause. Dr. Pepperberg gets all of her funding from the foundation, as no university or federal funding has been granted her, possibly due to the funniness of Dr. Pepperberg's last name.

It's interesting to note how one little parrot can have such a profound impact on the life of millions of people... Not just the person he lived with for 31 years.

And that person was Dr. Pepperberg.

The Moose: Peaceful Water-Cow or Cold-Blooded Killer?

On the plains of the northern wild lands, the hunter stalks his prey.

To the average citizen the moose is, at most, an animal that is large, awkward, unintelligent, and hardly worthy of notice, much less consideration. After all, who would, in their right mind, criticize or make conspicuous this king of the northern forests?

Ah, yes! How peaceful and serene the grazing bull moose appears! When seeing this massive deer so carefree and calm, it is difficult to imagine the killer's instinct that lies within.

One should not take things for granted. Appearances can be deceiving, and an animal as powerful and ruthless as this one must be approached with extreme diligence, for he could snap at any moment.

Large, solitary male moose command the highest amounts of respect. Give him a wide berth, for he may charge. Do not provoke him, for he is armed with large palmate antlers, and four powerful, thick legs, each capped with a razor-sharp hoof that can cut through skin and bone like a steak-knife through a marshmallow. When one meets the moose in its native habitat, we are at his mercy. Our lives hang delicately in the balance, as a horrible death by trampling could only be seconds away.

Only the fool laughs at this bulky, apparently clumsy, cousin of the deer. "What harm can a seaweed-eating cow do me?", the uneducated man may ask. "Surely, this uncoordinated mammal will run from me if I ever seem him in the wild."

Think again, my friend.

Behold the awesome killing power! The ruthless desire to not only wipe his opponent out, but to batter and mutilate his fresh body beyond recognition. Oh, the humanity! Why, you bastards, do you torment us? Observe as the blood-crazed female moose charges her unsuspecting victim, dropping him to the ground with a swift butt from her tremendous head.

With her prey momentarily stunned, her unprovoked attack becomes more focused, more precise, and painfully persistent. You can't actually tell from the video, but the moose actually defecates on her victim after finally ending the awful attack!

As our world moves into the 21st century, nature deals another cruel blow, as the process of natural selection has resulted in a new breed of albino super-moose, with reported sightings in remote parts of Saskatchewan. It is reported that these moose have an appetite for human blood, are not scared of fire, and some locals even claim that they howl at the moon.

When will these moose stop? When will enough be enough?

Of course, we humans have a responsibility to educate ourselves about coexisting with the moose, and we must know how to respond if ever attacked by a blood-crazed moose with murder on his mind.

Humans, being the smarter species, must learn of the moose and his ways, for to know one's opponent is to defeat him.


But then, you have total idiots like this family, who for some reason have decided to play a perverted game of Russian roulette by allowing what appears to be a domesticated moose into their own home. Insanity! Madness! What are they thinking? Would anybody in their right mind endanger their families like this? Who risks extensive damage to quality furniture so recklessly and purposelessly?

If there's one thing we want you to take away from this article, it's this: Respect the moose, and your chances for survival are increased.

Today's Important News Stories

Supplies!!!

Chinese people really love gaming, and they really love stir-fried cat. Also, they love fried cat.

Proof of this is the recent death of a Chinaman in Guangzhou who kicked the bucket after a marathon 30-hour gaming stretch. Doctors are simply calling it a case of "exhaustion." This was not the first such incident in China. In March, a 26-year-old man, described only as "an overweight young internet addict," began twitching after seven days of non-stop internet and eventually keeled over from a heart attack.

So, we guess the moral of the story here is that the internet giveth, and the internet taketh away. Despite all the positive aspects of surfing the web (pornography, unsubstantiated celebrity gossip, monkey videos, pornography), there is also the evil side of the web, the side that sucks the life out of your body like the sucubus that it is, then punches your one-way ticket on the midnight train direct to Slab City.

Chickens and cocaine.

The other really, really important headline we found in the news today read "Police Taser Man With Chicken In Car." Now, before you start nodding in silent approval, the man also had an ounce of cocaine on him in addition to the live chicken.

We don't know what this guy's plan for the weekend was, but he obviously was off to a solid start. Until those asshole cops came and wrecked it all for him with their fancy taser and that whole "punching him repeatedly in the head" nonsense.

The police did not release the chicken's name.

Baboons are quality animals.

And, since no day's news is complete without a monkey story, today's gem comes to us all the way from......... Lithuania.

At the zoo over in Vilnius, a "lonely" baboon named Mitis has adopted a chicken as his best friend. The chicken, who apparently does not have a name yet, was brought in as food for other zoo animals. But the crafty hen managed to escape to the baboon's pen, and Mitis fell in love with the chicken.

"He plays with the chicken, cleans its feathers, sleeps with it, and takes care as if it was his own baby child," the zoo director said. "But I am not sure how long this affair would last, because baboon may finally realise this is food. Obviously this baboon needed someone to communicate with."

Which makes perfect sense, really. The complex social structure that is needed by all baboons can be provided quickly and cheaply with a normal chicken.

But, in all fairness to both the baboon and the chicken, getting eaten wouldn't be all that bad of a way to die. At least you are guaranteeing the baboon a first-rate chicken lunch. That being said, the management of this website believes that it would be much more comical if the baboon used the chicken to pull off the legendary "Baron von Chickenpants" routine:

Mamma Mia - Italians Boycott Pasta

Fahgedabowdit...

In a move that is as shocking as it is unstereotypical, Italians worldwide have gone on a pasta boycott to protest against rising prices. Giving up one of their favorite foods won't be easy, say Italians, but the symbolic gesture is intended to be a message to the government to intervene.

"Pasta, bread, milk - these are the most important things. We are not protesting for perfumes or jewels," said, Marisa, at a Rome protest. Clemente Mastella, the Italian justice minister, had promised to support the cause by skipping his favourite Neapolitan dish of pasta tubes stuffed with tomatoes and ricotta cheese. Carlo Pileri, of the ADOC consumer group, said: "The pasta strike is symbolic, a call for Italians to make a sacrifice - to sacrifice something we can't give up, even when we travel abroad."

Extra pepperoni!

But what if the pasta strike doesn't work? What if spaghetti prices continue to skyrocket? Always thinking one step ahead, those crafty Italians have a backup plan. If necessary, they are ready to shave their greasy moustaches, start importing anti-perspirant, stop working as plumbers, and making possession of an eggplant a criminal offense.

President Bush was in Australia for the APEC summit last week. First of all, why does America even bother trying diplomatic relations with Australia? Why be friends with those kangaroo-eaters in the first place? It makes no sense. Anyways, Dubya was in rare form, first mistaking APEC for OPEC, then making the classic "Austria - Australia" mix-up. Finally, at the end of his speech, Bush reminds us of his true intellectual prowess by attempting to leaving the stage the wrong way.

Yee-haw.