Today's Important News Stories

Supplies!!!

Chinese people really love gaming, and they really love stir-fried cat. Also, they love fried cat.

Proof of this is the recent death of a Chinaman in Guangzhou who kicked the bucket after a marathon 30-hour gaming stretch. Doctors are simply calling it a case of "exhaustion." This was not the first such incident in China. In March, a 26-year-old man, described only as "an overweight young internet addict," began twitching after seven days of non-stop internet and eventually keeled over from a heart attack.

So, we guess the moral of the story here is that the internet giveth, and the internet taketh away. Despite all the positive aspects of surfing the web (pornography, unsubstantiated celebrity gossip, monkey videos, pornography), there is also the evil side of the web, the side that sucks the life out of your body like the sucubus that it is, then punches your one-way ticket on the midnight train direct to Slab City.

Chickens and cocaine.

The other really, really important headline we found in the news today read "Police Taser Man With Chicken In Car." Now, before you start nodding in silent approval, the man also had an ounce of cocaine on him in addition to the live chicken.

We don't know what this guy's plan for the weekend was, but he obviously was off to a solid start. Until those asshole cops came and wrecked it all for him with their fancy taser and that whole "punching him repeatedly in the head" nonsense.

The police did not release the chicken's name.

Baboons are quality animals.

And, since no day's news is complete without a monkey story, today's gem comes to us all the way from......... Lithuania.

At the zoo over in Vilnius, a "lonely" baboon named Mitis has adopted a chicken as his best friend. The chicken, who apparently does not have a name yet, was brought in as food for other zoo animals. But the crafty hen managed to escape to the baboon's pen, and Mitis fell in love with the chicken.

"He plays with the chicken, cleans its feathers, sleeps with it, and takes care as if it was his own baby child," the zoo director said. "But I am not sure how long this affair would last, because baboon may finally realise this is food. Obviously this baboon needed someone to communicate with."

Which makes perfect sense, really. The complex social structure that is needed by all baboons can be provided quickly and cheaply with a normal chicken.

But, in all fairness to both the baboon and the chicken, getting eaten wouldn't be all that bad of a way to die. At least you are guaranteeing the baboon a first-rate chicken lunch. That being said, the management of this website believes that it would be much more comical if the baboon used the chicken to pull off the legendary "Baron von Chickenpants" routine: