Monday, September 24, 2007

People From Oregon Are Intelligent

Big snakes do not belong in your mouth.
This edition of the "stupidest drunkard of the week" award goes to Matt Wilkinson of Portland, Oregon, who almost died after he was bitten on the tongue by a live rattlesnake that he had put in his mouth in a drunken rage.
After drinking a bunch of alcohol at a party, Wilkinson tried to impress his ex-girlfriend by putting the rattlesnake, which he had found on a highway three weeks earlier, into his mouth.
"I told her it was a nice snake," said Wilkinson. "Nothing can happen. Watch."
What happened next?
"It got a hold of my tongue."
Wow. Hey Matt Wilkinson, the reason rattlesnakes have rattles is so they can warn you that they are incredibly pissed-off. When they start shaking their tails, it means "back away slowly". It definitely DOES NOT mean "put me in your mouth."
But, then again, Wilkinson did have a pretty rock-solid excuse for his foolish behavior: "You can assume alcohol was involved... A mixture of stupid stuff."
We hear you, loud and clear. We've all been there before. You're at a party, enjoying yourself, having a good time, not bothering anyone... But then there's always that one guy who drinks way too much and then picks up a giant poisonous serpent and puts it in his mouth.
Happens all the time.

Japanese people are normal.

Since we haven't written about Japanese people for a while, we figured we had to make up for lost ground. In Tokyo last week, a hysterical woman charged into the middle of a sumo wrestling ring during a match. Not only did she disrupt the wrestling competition, but she also broke a sacred Japanese religious tradition - no women allowed in the sacred sumo ring.

She was restrained by a referee and one of the giant sumo wrestlers, whose name was Takamisaraki. "It's bad for the heart," said Takamisarki after he successfully "restrained" the woman. "What was the person trying to do while we were wrestling seriously?"

Good question, Takamisaraki. Nobody knows why this woman rushed the arena, but she was later found to be carrying a bunch of fliers that said "Help, bad spirits."

According to sources, ancient Japanese tradition forbids women from entering the sumo ring on the grounds that it is sacred and their presence, considered unclean, would pollute it.

Apparently, following the same train of thought, women have also been banned from entering gold mines or climbing mountains in Japan.

And now, in some more disturbing news, it appears that not only North American birds have been breaking the law recently. Rumors have long been swirling about chickens gangbanging and selling crack-cocaine in Sheboygan, but now we have proof that their European cousins are just as lethal.

Here is real video footage of Sam, the serial shoplifting seagull who has long been terrorizing the streets of Aberdeen, Scotland. A seasoned veteran of the shadowy underworld, Sam the Seagull is no tenderfoot when it comes to stick-ups. Note his cold-blooded technique, cool demeanor, and hesitance when asked questions.

On the streets, he is known as "The Bird Man of Aberdeen," and he is a true criminal.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

If i were a betting man (which being a degenerate irishman i obviously am) i would bet that the seagull is at least 50% italian. You know, because italians like to steal things.
-jimmie fontaine

4:20 PM  

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