Thursday, September 20, 2007

The Moose: Peaceful Water-Cow or Cold-Blooded Killer?

On the plains of the northern wild lands, the hunter stalks his prey.

To the average citizen the moose is, at most, an animal that is large, awkward, unintelligent, and hardly worthy of notice, much less consideration. After all, who would, in their right mind, criticize or make conspicuous this king of the northern forests?

Ah, yes! How peaceful and serene the grazing bull moose appears! When seeing this massive deer so carefree and calm, it is difficult to imagine the killer's instinct that lies within.

One should not take things for granted. Appearances can be deceiving, and an animal as powerful and ruthless as this one must be approached with extreme diligence, for he could snap at any moment.

Large, solitary male moose command the highest amounts of respect. Give him a wide berth, for he may charge. Do not provoke him, for he is armed with large palmate antlers, and four powerful, thick legs, each capped with a razor-sharp hoof that can cut through skin and bone like a steak-knife through a marshmallow. When one meets the moose in its native habitat, we are at his mercy. Our lives hang delicately in the balance, as a horrible death by trampling could only be seconds away.

Only the fool laughs at this bulky, apparently clumsy, cousin of the deer. "What harm can a seaweed-eating cow do me?", the uneducated man may ask. "Surely, this uncoordinated mammal will run from me if I ever seem him in the wild."

Think again, my friend.

Behold the awesome killing power! The ruthless desire to not only wipe his opponent out, but to batter and mutilate his fresh body beyond recognition. Oh, the humanity! Why, you bastards, do you torment us? Observe as the blood-crazed female moose charges her unsuspecting victim, dropping him to the ground with a swift butt from her tremendous head.

With her prey momentarily stunned, her unprovoked attack becomes more focused, more precise, and painfully persistent. You can't actually tell from the video, but the moose actually defecates on her victim after finally ending the awful attack!

As our world moves into the 21st century, nature deals another cruel blow, as the process of natural selection has resulted in a new breed of albino super-moose, with reported sightings in remote parts of Saskatchewan. It is reported that these moose have an appetite for human blood, are not scared of fire, and some locals even claim that they howl at the moon.

When will these moose stop? When will enough be enough?

Of course, we humans have a responsibility to educate ourselves about coexisting with the moose, and we must know how to respond if ever attacked by a blood-crazed moose with murder on his mind.

Humans, being the smarter species, must learn of the moose and his ways, for to know one's opponent is to defeat him.

But then, you have total idiots like this family, who for some reason have decided to play a perverted game of Russian roulette by allowing what appears to be a domesticated moose into their own home. Insanity! Madness! What are they thinking? Would anybody in their right mind endanger their families like this? Who risks extensive damage to quality furniture so recklessly and purposelessly?

If there's one thing we want you to take away from this article, it's this: Respect the moose, and your chances for survival are increased.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

after carefully reading your article and watching the videos i have decided moose are fucking pussies. Especially when you consider their are chickens gang bangin and drug slangin in sheboygan. My Aunt, by the way, got caught smoking pot with me in a hotel in sheboygan and was arrested. Funny enough it went down just like the chicken story. Except there wasn't a chicken, an ounce of blow, or any tasering involved. Yeah, come to think about it those two stories aren't anything alike.
-jimmie fontaine "a.k.a chicago jim"

7:57 PM  

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