Hits Are Up

This picture really showcases her, uh, intelligence.

So, for a while there, we got worried because hits were down. Teetering on the brink of helpless and depraved alcoholism, we were almost forced to call in the heavy guns to remedy the situation. But then, the hits unexpectedly increased. We don't know why they did, but we have been repeating to ourselves that it's due to the humorous content we've been posting recently.

Whatever.

This cat is synonymous with the words "dirt nap."

Oscar is not a normal cat.

This has nothing to do with the fact that he hails from Rhode Island, either.

Oscar lives in a nursing and rehab center, and he isn't a friendly cat, according to his owners. But, he has a unique skill of predicting when people will die. When Oscar enters a patient's room and lies down next to them, they always die within four hours.

Always.

He has correctly predicted 25 deaths in his short, two-year career.

Gee, isn't that comforting. It must be fucking great having this fucking cat walking around all the fucking time. Put yourself in these nursing home patients' shoes:

Your life sucks, because your asshole family has given up on you and locked you in a retirement home, probably against your will. You have diabetes, and probably a mean case of the gout too, and your senility and overall inability to comprehend basic instructions means you walk around in adult diapers all day long.

You sit with the other old people, watching infomercials or complaining randomly, waiting for the midnight train to take you to Slab City, a constant reminder of which are the daily visits by the meat wagon to take your just-as-braindead-as-you-are "friends" away for hip surgery. If you're lucky, you see your family once a year, on your birthday, but as soon as they leave you forget they were ever there.

There's a cat at the nursing home, who is never friendly and always runs away from any attempt at contact. But, whenever he walks into the room and lays down next to someone, they kick the bucket in a matter of hours.

First you hate the cat, then learn to appreciate his subtle skill and professionalism. You and your fellow senior citizen/vegetables begin wagering on who the cat will call on next. Sometimes, as a joke, you throw a similar-looking cat into your neighbor's bed to scare the bejesus out of them.

But soon you realize that one day, that cat is gonna walk into your room and put his horrible paws of death on your bed. Your already-painful life becomes a living hell, and soon you begin throwing your soiled Depends at the cat whenever he shows his stupid face. He is no longer Oscar, the cute funny hospital cat - he has become a pint-sized version of the Grim Reaper; death reincarnated in feline form.

We know what you're asking: "What's the point?"

Unfortunately, we don't know the answer to that question, so we will now present several videos of monkeys stealing things:

"Fuck-You" Letter of the Week

This man knows how to filibuster.

As many of our readers know, we here at HPO are big, big fans of "fuck-you" letters. In fact, we love them so much that we feel it is our duty to publish them anytime they happen to drift through our transom.

Today, we have a special treat for you. This "fuck-you" letter was written by Michael Polensek, a Cleveland city councilman who has been in office for 25 years. His letter is written to Arsenio Winston, a young man who has been repeatedly arrested in Councilman Polensek's 11th ward.

Enjoy this letter (scan of original can be found here), because they don't make 'em like this any more. The letter is everything that ordinary "fuck-you" letters aspire to be, and more. Polensek expertly mixes self-glorification, drawn-out ramblings, bittersweet reminiscing, and lofty patronizing into one masterful expose of insult (Plus, he gets bonus points for correctly spelling the word "cemetery"). Enjoy, dear readers:

Dear Mr. Winston:

As councilman representing Cleveland's 11th Ward, I have been notified once again that you have been arrested for dealing drugs in my ward, this time at the Convenient Food Mart located at 18506 St. Clair Avenue in the parking lot.

Mr. Winston, you have to be "dumber than mud." Don't you know that one of your so-called "friends" from the "8th Avenue gang" ratted your "ass" out that you were dealing drugs from the parking lot? They cut a deal. So much for your wonderful pals, you idiot. I am so glad that you are now 18 years of age, because now you are an adult and can no longer hide behind the juvenile court system, Mr. Quarterback, loser. Remember when you told me to "kiss your black ass" at R.J. Taylor playground and that you were going to be an NFL Quarterback? Well, the NFL, despite perceptions, is "not for losers!"

In closing, I told you just recently to stay out of my neighborhood, you crack dealing piece of trash. Yet, you keep coming back because you think you are a big man. Well, real men go to school or to work every day and take care of their family, and not through illegal drug activity. You are a "thug" and you know what? There are only two places you will end up at the rate you are going -- that is, prison or the nearest funeral home. Quite frankly, I don't care which one you get to first as long as your dumb stupid ass is out of my neighborhood.

Have a wonderful life, Arsenio. I'm sure you have made your mother real proud. Remember when I spoke to her one of the other times that you were arrested for assaulting a police officer on East 185th Street? Only a moron would do that. Your fate is totally in your hands; which is a scary thought.

Go to jail or the cemetery soon,

Michael D. Polensek

Beard Team USA: Willing and Able

There's no better way to impress the women-folk...

Faithful readers of this website will remember the entertaining and informative Q+A session we had with Phil Olsen, self-proclaimed captain of Beard Team USA, back in February.

Since Phil is a man of his word, he sent us a Beard Team USA update, prior to their trip to the World Beard and Moustache Championships in England on September 1st. This year's contest, however, will be anything but a cakewalk, as the always-dangerous German team is bringing their usual no-nonsense approach to the contest.

"Ze Germans" will be a tough nut to crack, but Phil remains confident that Beard Team USA, not without its own heavy guns, will be able to give them a run for their money.

Phil fills us in on all the current goings-on in the world of professional facial-hair growing competition in an update that we received in our mailbag last night:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE -- July 20, 2007

Beard Team USA is hoping to bring home plenty of gold from the World Beard and Moustache Championships in Brighton, England, on September 1.

This quirky, bienniel celebration of secondary masculine sexual characteristics features hairy face-offs in seventeen separate categories ranging from the delicate Dali moustache to the anything-goes freestyle full beard.

America's team will field a squad of at least 40 competitors, making it the third largest team, behind host England and always dominant Germany, where the competition began. The best hope for USA gold is in the uniquely American sideburns category, where current world champ Toot Joslin (pictured above, at left) hopes to repeat for the red, white, and blue.

Smart money in the full beard natural category is on 23-year-old upstart Californian Jack Passion (left, in pirate costume) who took third in his rookie start two years ago in Berlin. Most of the other contestants in the category had beards older than Jack himself.

Alaskan David Traver (below, at left, in fur hat), third overall at the WBMC 2003, will return after missing the competition in Berlin, this time competing in the full beard, styled moustache category. Other American hopefuls include Jeff Well in Dali, Frank Madera in Garibaldi, and rookie Alex Antebi in imperial moustache.

Founder and self-appointed captain of Beard Team USA Phil Olsen, who will be competing in the Garibaldi category, has high hopes for the team this year. "Our mission is to make the United States a powerhouse at the World Beard and Moustache Championships. It is doubtful that we can crack the Germans' hegemony this time, but just wait 'til next time."

In 2009 the World Beard and Moustache Championships will return to the USA, taking place in Anchorage, Alaska.

For additional information, contact Phil Olsen (pic below). Telephone: (530) 581-3940. Cell: (530) 414-0462. Email: tahophil@inreach.com. Also see the official Beard Team USA website at www.worldbeardchampionships.com.

First of all, let us thank Phil for remembering to update us on the state of our country's best and most refined beard growers. Secondly, let us state that we fully support Beard Team USA's quest to become the best in the world, because if there's one way to measure a man's success, it's by the artistic, stylistic, and classic attributes of his facial hair.

At the risk of sounding overly sentimental, using only the written word cannot do justice to the kaleidoscope of emotions spinning through our minds like a whirlwind.

In this crazy world of ours, where it seems that we are quickly running out of room, resources, and reason, many countries and groups of people seem to be growing more insane by the hour. We need diversions more than ever - And by diversions, we mean things to shift the focus of the mind, if for but a second, so that we can forget the problems and worries of this twisted planet, and get lost in the simple joys of a beard-growing contest.

So again, a big thank-you to Phil for keeping us informed.

We salute our boys from Beard Team USA, and wish them all the best in their physical and mental preparation for the world championships coming up in a few short weeks.

We're sure we'll get an update of the results after the competition, but until then, take care of business and show those Germans a thing or two about moustache and beard etiquette.

Monkey Steals Tourist's Glasses in India

You can't make this up.

From our favorite newspaper:

LUCKNOW, India (AP) - A South Korean tourist has filed a formal complaint against a monkey he says stole his reading glasses during his visit to the Hindu holy city of Varanasi in northern India.

Kim Dang Hoon says he opened his hotel room window for fresh air when the monkey made his move.

"He headed straight to the table where my glasses were kept and took it away," Kim said in the statement.

Part of the frame later was recovered by hotel staff and Kim said he filed the report so he can make a damages claim on his travel insurance.

Thousands of wild monkeys roam Varanasi, dotting the trees on the banks of the Ganges River and scampering through the city's many temples, where they are venerated as manifestations of the Hindu monkey god Hanuman.

On Tuesday, police combed Varanasi's alleys searching for the monkey.

"It is difficult to trace the monkey but I am trying my best to locate the rogue," investigating officer Inspector Govind Singh said from Varanasi, some 185 miles southeast of Lucknow.

Problems with monkeys harassing tourists in the city are common, Singh said.

"But we can't do anything. We cannot shoot them or beat them as Hindus worship monkeys," he said.

New Breed of Super-Ape Discovered in Congo

Enter the Bili Chimp.

Deep in the Congolese jungle is a band of apes that, according to local legend, kill lions, catch fish and even howl at the moon. Local hunters speak of massive creatures that seem to be some sort of hybrid between a chimp and a gorilla.

That lead, published in our favorite newspaper over the weekend, describes a newly-discovered group of giant chimpanzees unlike any other ape in the world.

Finding these awesome apes is a daunting task - Not only do you have to somehow get yourself into the Congo, a country battered by the bloodiest of human conflicts, but you have to brave a 25-mile journey through the deep, cool, and unsympathetic jungle to find the territory of these spectacular primates.

But what makes these giant chimpanzees special? Well, for starters, there have long been rumors, mainly unfounded, of a tribe of giant apes that regularly hunted lions and other big cats, replacing them at the top of the jungle food chain. Recently, this was finally confirmed by Cleve Hicks, monkey expert from the University of Amsterdam, when he actually discovered a group of Bili chimps (named after the region) feasting on a leopard carcass.

Closer than we ever imagined...

These chimps are also remarkable because they catch fish regularly, use smashing stones, seven-foot-long spears and other tools to find food, and sleep in nests made on the jungle floor. Most other apes make their nests high up in trees, to be safe.

"How can they get away with sleeping on the ground when there are lions, leopards, golden cats around as well as other dangerous animals like elephants and buffalo?" said Mr Hicks. "I don't like to paint them as being more aggressive, but maybe they prey on some of these predators and the predators kind of leave them alone."

Interesting stuff, people. A band of super-intelligent jungle chimpanzees, who fish in the river and kill lions who invade their territory.

That's a spicy meatball.

But, as in all things, there is a catch to this amazing discovery. As luck would have it, these special animals happen to live in the Congo, one of the worst places to be on this planet, after Iraq, Afghanistan, Sudan, and Gary, Indiana.

"Things are not promising," said Karl Ammann, an independent wildlife photographer who began investigating the apes 1996. "The absence of a strong central government has resulted in most of the region becoming more independent and lawless. In conservation terms this is a disaster."

Well, at least there's always Pankun:

It's Only An Elephant

That's a classy elephant hat.

Most people genuinely enjoy going to the circus, and are content to guiltlessly sit in the stands, eating their nachos and drinking their Bud Light, never thinking too deeply about what they see in front of them or what will happen when the circus folds up its tents, packs all of its clowns into a tiny car, and rolls to the next town.

Unfortunately, we here at HPO fall into the same category. We love going to the big top to watch the panda bear lift weights, the monkey juggle pineapples, and the dog get shot out of a cannon, for no reason other than it simply being funny. It is true comedy, and it certainly has no place amongst the refined.

But last night, we stumbled upon evidence that Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus, famously branded as "The Greatest Show on Earth," is guilty of regularly abusing its show elephants.

These bizarre and disturbing accusations come from former employees of the circus, who presumably have had extensive behind-the-scenes experience with these large animals. But before we dig too deeply into the scandal, let's take a closer look at the clumsy, pale-blue nature of elephus maximus, known to his friends as the Asian Elephant.

Here are some facts about Asian elephants:

• Native to India, Sri Lanka, and Indochina.
• Endangered species (about 30,000 left in the wild)
• Weigh around 10,000 pounds
• Easily domesticated and used for moving heavy objects, harvesting crops, and ceremonial purposes
• Live for around 70 years
• They eat several hundred pounds of food a day
• Not only do elephants really love peanuts, but apparently they also eat Christmas trees like it's going out of style

We weren't kidding. Elephants really eat trees.

So, to sum up, the Asian Elephant lives an average of 70 years (like Oprah Winfrey), needs hundreds of pounds of sustenance daily (like Oprah Winfrey), is noted for its large size and powerful hindquarters (like Oprah Winfrey), and regularly eats entire Christmas trees (like Oprah Winfrey).

While these things are all fine and dandy, the true trump card that the elephant species has up its sleeve is its brainpower. They are members of the animal kingdom's intellectual elite, and like the horse, dog, or dolphin, can be trained to assist humans and make life easier.

Thomas Crapper would be proud.

Which makes these allegations of elephant abuse all the more sickening. Tom Rider, who worked for Barnum and Bailey's circus for over two years, makes some disturbing claims:

Greatest Show on Earth. That's what they want you to see. They don't want you to see what goes on behind the tent, or when they get out there and drop the curtains. They would take and hook the elephants with the bull hook, a very sharp object. Hit them over the head.

We didn't know what a bull hook was, so we looked it up. It doesn't look like it's a lot of fun.

Other employees claim that "the circus regularly hires people with no animal care experience" and that "elephants are only unchained when the public is around." After one elephant was bull-hooked, it "bled profusely from inside the ear and behind the earflap."

We also found some video evidence, which is downright scandalous:



While we certainly don't think that the circus should be outlawed and that all the animals should be released so they can run wild and free, we most definitely believe in the basic rights that all creatures, big or small, are entitled to. It's really easy to abuse something that's smaller, weaker, dumber, or more afraid than you are. But we wouldn't mind seeing the reaction of those human paraquats in that video if someone stuck a bull-hook in their ear. They'd be crying, too.

No more Grand Slam breakfasts.

We realize that we are running the risk of sounding like "tree-hugging cunts" (as one long-time reader of this website once put it), but this blog, since its humble beginnings, has been focused on two topics:

Animals and Japanese people.

We feel it is our duty to bring the focus of the public spotlight anywhere where animals or Japanese people are being wronged. We cannot turn a blind eye to the lowest forms of human conduct, for this world is getting awfully small, and we are running out of elbow room. This type of despicable, atrocious, shameful behavior is a disgrace.

Don't get us wrong: We love the circus.

We're not saying shut 'em down. We're just trying to say that elephants deserve a fair shake, and we believe that they should be treated as slightly larger, dumber, smellier versions of ourselves.

Besides, if they shut down the circus, we might never see a monkey doing a handstand on a goat's horns while the goat is walking a tightrope:

Sit, Stay, Roll Over

Duncan McDonald is a true patriot.

A woman from Washington registered her dog as a voter, using a fake power bill and a pawprint. The dog voted once, and nobody noticed. The second time, a lady from the balloting office called and informed the woman that you can't sign a voting ballot using a paw-print. When the woman informed the ballot official that you can if you're a dog, the lady was shocked: "It's a dog?!"

The answer, of course, was yes, but that didn't seem to matter too much, because when election time rolled around again, the dog managed to cast a third vote without being detected!

Now, after casting his vote three times, Duncan has been discovered and his voting rights have been revoked. His owner, Jane Balogh, claimed she pulled this stunt to exposing illegal voting practices to the public. But, the authorities didn't exactly agree with her: She is being arraigned for a misdemeanor, which could turn into a felony charge if she pleads not guilty.

We'd like to thank our good buddy Casey Sorrow over at MonkeyDayNews for finding this amazing clip. It shows that our orangutan cousins are closer to us than we may think. The ape is actually spitting water into the tube to get the peanut! How intelligent is that?

Our guess is that soon, these monkeys will be designed rocket ships and wearing tuxedoes.

Le Tour Preview: Year 2

Pedal faster.

So, the Tour de France is once again around the corner, and we here at HPO are of the opinion that there's absolutely nothing homo-erotic at all about watching a bunch of grown men wearing funny helmets and skin-tight leotards.

With that in mind, we turn once again to HPO special correspondent and cycling expert, Mr. Drugs. If you're able to remember things that happened 12 months ago (most readers of this website can't), you will remember the tremendous primer that Mr. Drugs put together for last year's tour. We are glad to have him back for round two:

The 2007 Tour de France is rapidly approaching, and will made its debut Saturday (07/07/07), the luckiest damn day in a hundred years. Excitement surrounding the event could hardly be at a more feverish pitch, as the world prepares for the greatest of the Grand Tours to begin. The Tour will began with a 7.9km prologue time-trial in London, which will be the 6th European capital chosen as the start location, continuing a tradition begun in Amsterdam in 1954.

The big story this year, as in years past, is doping scandals. Jorg Jatstch (pronounced Yorg Yats... fantastic) of Germany recently confessed to doping which took place over the course of 5 years with the help of Dr. Fuentes, the focus of the Spanish "La Puerta" investigation. He was reportedly paid 130,000 Euros for his confession and subsequent book deal... pffft, I'd confess to a lot worse for that kind of cash. Ivan Basso and Alessandro Petacchi are two other big names excluded from this year's race as a result of drug testing for the Giro D'Italia in May. A lot could happen between now and the start of the race, keeping in mind that in recent years several riders (including GC contenders) have been disqualified mere days before the prologue.

Many familiar names are on this year's roster, including Alexandre Vinokourov and Andres Kloden of Team Astana. Vino will be the favorite coming out of the gate, with the veteran Kloden as his main lieutenant (and possible rival). Their most notable competition will likely come from Team Discovery led by American Levi Leipheimer. Levi will be accompanied by his highly experienced tactician, lieutenant, and all-around kickass cyclist, George "Longshanks" Hincapie. Also noteworthy is that Levi and Georgie probably have the two hottest wives of anyone on the cycling circuit. Anyhow, it could be anyone's race, as no one in this year's field is capable of the dominance shown by Lance Armstrong during his 7 year run. Other possible contenders include Thomas Voeckler (who wore the Yellow Jersey for 9 days a few years ago before losing it to Lance in the mountains), Christian Valverde, Christophe "Island of Doctor" Moreau, and David "It's" Millar "Time" among others.

In the sprinters' competition for the Green Jersey, many of the old favorites will return including Thor "The Torpedo" Hushovd of Credit Agricole, Tom Boonen of QuickStep, and the Master: Robbie McEwen of Predictor-Lotto. These men all have exceptional lead-out teams, and possess the explosive power, blistering speed, and rock-solid balls that make the sprint finishes so incredibly exciting, and I'll be watching them with bated breath as always. I highly recommend trying to watch these along with commentary by the legendary team of Phil Ligget and Paul Sherwin on the VS Network. These two chaps could well be the greatest sports commentary duo since Ron Jaworski and Dick Vermeil did that Monday Night Football game early last fall, and one can seldom witness a more amazing and entertaining spectacle, I assure you. Sure they're English, but we've all got our shortcomings.

Monkey Update

If PacMan kicks ass, and monkeys kick ass - you put em together, you got some kick-ass shit.

Wow. After watching that video, our heads literally exploded like Fourth of July fireworks. So many questions come to mind: Of all the games for the monkey to play, why pick Ms. Pac-Man? Why not regular Pac-Man? Or Pac-Man Jr? Why not a completely different game, such as Paperboy or Simon's Quest?

The best part of that video is the fact that the monkey is pretty damn good at Pac-Man. Sure, there were some moments where it appears like the monkey actually has some minor lapses of judgment and does some pretty stupid things (after all, it is a monkey), but all-in-all that ape wasn't half bad.

Good to have you back, Pan.

It's been a while since we wrote about Pan-Kun, the famous Japanese chimp. This is mainly due to a personal vendetta with the morons down at youtube for removing that clip of him playing in a Little League game. But, after we found the above video of Pan-Kun in gym class with his best friend James the bulldog, we couldn't resist.

American Idiot

While it may be hard to believe that a man as mentally empty as Dubya even manages to put his pants on properly in the morning, the fact of the matter remains that he is the fucking president of the most powerful country on the planet.

It's easy to throw the blame around, in a similar manner to which one throws jellybeans into a monkey pit: evenly, in a fan-shaped pattern and spread-out. But this really won't change anything. And, since 2008 is still a ways away, we have to put up with this idiot for a while still.

Luckily, the management of this website has come up with an ideal solution for coping with the remainder of Dubya's term in office:

Alcohol abuse.

That's right, trusty old sauce. Why go to alcoholics anonymous, when you don't even have to be anonymous about it at all? Go out, buy yourself a bottle of genuine, rectified, double-X bust-head and drink yourself stupid every day. Walk around in an incoherent rage, take the law into your own hands, bother people, and wear that fact like a badge on your sleeve.

Before you know it, it will be 2009, and there will be a new president. Problem is, your life will also be in the crapper.

Happy 4th of July, everyone. Happy Birthday, America.

Results are In

Uncle Sam wants YOU... to be a douchebag too.

Well, it took a while. And there were a couple of insults along the way. But all in all, we must admit that it was a success, and we would at this time like to personally thank all the people that participated in our douchebag survey.

For those of you who may not know, we sent a survey to a sample of people. We got a 56% response rate to our questions, which from what certain "experts" tell us, is not that bad of a turnout.

Anyways, the survey consisted of three simple yet deeply profound questions:

What is a douchebag?

Have you ever/when was the last time you called someone a douche bag?
Why, in your opinion, did this person deserve the label "douche bag"?

The good news is that several people gave specific examples of douchebags; but the bad news is that the editor of this website was listed as an example several times. A summary of examples of douchebags given by respondents can be seen below:

There's me. Ross McLochness.

Most people (42%) didn't give an example, but of those that did, a shocking 17% listed themselves as prime examples of douchebags. Another 17% percent went to O'Connell, which is no surprise either. But the answer that intrigues us most is the 8% that listed Cristiano Ronaldo, the Portuguese soccer player and primadonna.

Cristiano says to rest of world: "Bask in the glory of my douchebaggery."

From what we're told, the ladies really like Cristiano. But as far as we're concerned, there's no shortage of douche potential. I mean, the key douche signifiers are all there: Excessively frosted and gelled hair, girl-next-door facial expression, meaningless jewelry, oversize belt-buckles and snakeskin belts, and numerous examples of shirtless shenanigans in public. Plus, he cries and complains anytime something doesn't go his way.

One of the people that answered our survey, known only as "The Blue Pig", offers his own thoughts:

There is no doubt about Cristiano Ronaldo being a DB. Portuguese nationality, effeminate looks and gestures, fondness of showing his naked torso, gelled hair, earrings, "crybaby" face expressions, and a totally douchebaggy style of playing soccer - selfish, faking fouls and convinced of his brilliance.

Douchesaurus Rex.

However, an analysis of the answers to the remaining questions really seems to muddy the waters... Of all the respondents to the survey, only 8% defined a douchebag as some sort of vaginal cleaning device.

42% of respondents claimed that the term douchebag has a feminine or even homosexual connotation, while 50% of respondents claimed that physical appearance plays a vital role in the designation of douchebag status.

A whopping 92% of respondents claim to use the term, with a large variance in frequency: Some people last used the term in 2005-2006, while some people claimed to have used it seconds before replying to the survey.

Shockingly, 0% of people said that a douchebag could be a girl, confirming the widespread urban legend that douchebaggery is carried by the Y chromosome.

Here are some of the highlights from the responses:

• Douche bag, a personal favorite of mine, a timeless classic... A word used to show anger, dissappointment or disgust in response to the actions or merely the general being of another person. Can also be used frivoliously from time to time among friends as a sort of good-natured ribbing.
• I called my little brother a douche bag last nite when he failed to come through in the clutch during our softball game. Down one run with two on and two out, he popped it up to the second baseman... My response: "Get 'em next time, douche bag!"
• A [douchebag is a] guy who thinks he's big shit/playa/gangsta/whatever, but is ridiculously funny, mainly because of his metro-sexual or gayish look. Some common douchebag features include tight clothes, gelled hair, jewelry and certain kinds of tattoos, and exaggerated gestures.
• I've never had any idea what douche bag is but it is a very satisfying feeling labeling someone as one. I have actually thought about this before.
• In my opinion a douche bag is one of these people who absolutely loves themselves, where as everyone else around them thinks they look like a total cunt... The kinda of guy who jerks off in front of the mirror.
• Why did they deserve this abuse? There is no answer other than they were a douche bag.
• A D.B. is a jack ass, a person who believes they are master of their own domain when really they have their head up their ass. Douche bags come in many different forms, but are characterized by their ingenuity and slightly souring fashion sense.
• Anyone whose outward demeanor and/or appearance represent an inner inkling towards ticklebuttery.
• Every single action of this man's life is more disgusting, pathetic, and disturbing than the previous action.