Monday, July 23, 2007

"Fuck-You" Letter of the Week

This man knows how to filibuster.

As many of our readers know, we here at HPO are big, big fans of "fuck-you" letters. In fact, we love them so much that we feel it is our duty to publish them anytime they happen to drift through our transom.

Today, we have a special treat for you. This "fuck-you" letter was written by Michael Polensek, a Cleveland city councilman who has been in office for 25 years. His letter is written to Arsenio Winston, a young man who has been repeatedly arrested in Councilman Polensek's 11th ward.

Enjoy this letter (scan of original can be found here), because they don't make 'em like this any more. The letter is everything that ordinary "fuck-you" letters aspire to be, and more. Polensek expertly mixes self-glorification, drawn-out ramblings, bittersweet reminiscing, and lofty patronizing into one masterful expose of insult (Plus, he gets bonus points for correctly spelling the word "cemetery"). Enjoy, dear readers:

Dear Mr. Winston:

As councilman representing Cleveland's 11th Ward, I have been notified once again that you have been arrested for dealing drugs in my ward, this time at the Convenient Food Mart located at 18506 St. Clair Avenue in the parking lot.

Mr. Winston, you have to be "dumber than mud." Don't you know that one of your so-called "friends" from the "8th Avenue gang" ratted your "ass" out that you were dealing drugs from the parking lot? They cut a deal. So much for your wonderful pals, you idiot. I am so glad that you are now 18 years of age, because now you are an adult and can no longer hide behind the juvenile court system, Mr. Quarterback, loser. Remember when you told me to "kiss your black ass" at R.J. Taylor playground and that you were going to be an NFL Quarterback? Well, the NFL, despite perceptions, is "not for losers!"

In closing, I told you just recently to stay out of my neighborhood, you crack dealing piece of trash. Yet, you keep coming back because you think you are a big man. Well, real men go to school or to work every day and take care of their family, and not through illegal drug activity. You are a "thug" and you know what? There are only two places you will end up at the rate you are going -- that is, prison or the nearest funeral home. Quite frankly, I don't care which one you get to first as long as your dumb stupid ass is out of my neighborhood.

Have a wonderful life, Arsenio. I'm sure you have made your mother real proud. Remember when I spoke to her one of the other times that you were arrested for assaulting a police officer on East 185th Street? Only a moron would do that. Your fate is totally in your hands; which is a scary thought.

Go to jail or the cemetery soon,

Michael D. Polensek


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Goddamn hilarious. Well if the NFL doesn't work out for Arsenio he could always move to chicago and become an alderman (Because chicago alderman are criminals...see ald. walter burdette who represents the neighborhood known as cabrini greens).
-jimmie fontaine..chicago illinois.

2:22 PM  

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