Thursday, July 26, 2007

Hits Are Up

This picture really showcases her, uh, intelligence.
So, for a while there, we got worried because hits were down. Teetering on the brink of helpless and depraved alcoholism, we were almost forced to call in the heavy guns to remedy the situation. But then, the hits unexpectedly increased. We don't know why they did, but we have been repeating to ourselves that it's due to the humorous content we've been posting recently.

This cat is synonymous with the words "dirt nap."

Oscar is not a normal cat.

This has nothing to do with the fact that he hails from Rhode Island, either.

Oscar lives in a nursing and rehab center, and he isn't a friendly cat, according to his owners. But, he has a unique skill of predicting when people will die. When Oscar enters a patient's room and lies down next to them, they always die within four hours.


He has correctly predicted 25 deaths in his short, two-year career.

Gee, isn't that comforting. It must be fucking great having this fucking cat walking around all the fucking time. Put yourself in these nursing home patients' shoes:

Your life sucks, because your asshole family has given up on you and locked you in a retirement home, probably against your will. You have diabetes, and probably a mean case of the gout too, and your senility and overall inability to comprehend basic instructions means you walk around in adult diapers all day long.

You sit with the other old people, watching infomercials or complaining randomly, waiting for the midnight train to take you to Slab City, a constant reminder of which are the daily visits by the meat wagon to take your just-as-braindead-as-you-are "friends" away for hip surgery. If you're lucky, you see your family once a year, on your birthday, but as soon as they leave you forget they were ever there.

There's a cat at the nursing home, who is never friendly and always runs away from any attempt at contact. But, whenever he walks into the room and lays down next to someone, they kick the bucket in a matter of hours.

First you hate the cat, then learn to appreciate his subtle skill and professionalism. You and your fellow senior citizen/vegetables begin wagering on who the cat will call on next. Sometimes, as a joke, you throw a similar-looking cat into your neighbor's bed to scare the bejesus out of them.

But soon you realize that one day, that cat is gonna walk into your room and put his horrible paws of death on your bed. Your already-painful life becomes a living hell, and soon you begin throwing your soiled Depends at the cat whenever he shows his stupid face. He is no longer Oscar, the cute funny hospital cat - he has become a pint-sized version of the Grim Reaper; death reincarnated in feline form.

We know what you're asking: "What's the point?"

Unfortunately, we don't know the answer to that question, so we will now present several videos of monkeys stealing things:


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