Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Results are In

Uncle Sam wants YOU... to be a douchebag too.
Well, it took a while. And there were a couple of insults along the way. But all in all, we must admit that it was a success, and we would at this time like to personally thank all the people that participated in our douchebag survey.
For those of you who may not know, we sent a survey to a sample of people. We got a 56% response rate to our questions, which from what certain "experts" tell us, is not that bad of a turnout.
Anyways, the survey consisted of three simple yet deeply profound questions:
What is a douchebag?
Have you ever/when was the last time you called someone a douche bag?
Why, in your opinion, did this person deserve the label "douche bag"?

The good news is that several people gave specific examples of douchebags; but the bad news is that the editor of this website was listed as an example several times. A summary of examples of douchebags given by respondents can be seen below:

There's me. Ross McLochness.

Most people (42%) didn't give an example, but of those that did, a shocking 17% listed themselves as prime examples of douchebags. Another 17% percent went to O'Connell, which is no surprise either. But the answer that intrigues us most is the 8% that listed Cristiano Ronaldo, the Portuguese soccer player and primadonna.

Cristiano says to rest of world: "Bask in the glory of my douchebaggery."

From what we're told, the ladies really like Cristiano. But as far as we're concerned, there's no shortage of douche potential. I mean, the key douche signifiers are all there: Excessively frosted and gelled hair, girl-next-door facial expression, meaningless jewelry, oversize belt-buckles and snakeskin belts, and numerous examples of shirtless shenanigans in public. Plus, he cries and complains anytime something doesn't go his way.
One of the people that answered our survey, known only as "The Blue Pig", offers his own thoughts:
There is no doubt about Cristiano Ronaldo being a DB. Portuguese nationality, effeminate looks and gestures, fondness of showing his naked torso, gelled hair, earrings, "crybaby" face expressions, and a totally douchebaggy style of playing soccer - selfish, faking fouls and convinced of his brilliance.

Douchesaurus Rex.

However, an analysis of the answers to the remaining questions really seems to muddy the waters... Of all the respondents to the survey, only 8% defined a douchebag as some sort of vaginal cleaning device.
42% of respondents claimed that the term douchebag has a feminine or even homosexual connotation, while 50% of respondents claimed that physical appearance plays a vital role in the designation of douchebag status.
A whopping 92% of respondents claim to use the term, with a large variance in frequency: Some people last used the term in 2005-2006, while some people claimed to have used it seconds before replying to the survey.
Shockingly, 0% of people said that a douchebag could be a girl, confirming the widespread urban legend that douchebaggery is carried by the Y chromosome.
Here are some of the highlights from the responses:
  • Douche bag, a personal favorite of mine, a timeless classic... A word used to show anger, dissappointment or disgust in response to the actions or merely the general being of another person. Can also be used frivoliously from time to time among friends as a sort of good-natured ribbing.
  • I called my little brother a douche bag last nite when he failed to come through in the clutch during our softball game. Down one run with two on and two out, he popped it up to the second baseman... My response: "Get 'em next time, douche bag!"
  • A [douchebag is a] guy who thinks he's big shit/playa/gangsta/whatever, but is ridiculously funny, mainly because of his metro-sexual or gayish look. Some common douchebag features include tight clothes, gelled hair, jewelry and certain kinds of tattoos, and exaggerated gestures.
  • I've never had any idea what douche bag is but it is a very satisfying feeling labeling someone as one. I have actually thought about this before.
  • In my opinion a douche bag is one of these people who absolutely loves themselves, where as everyone else around them thinks they look like a total cunt... The kinda of guy who jerks off in front of the mirror.
  • Why did they deserve this abuse? There is no answer other than they were a douche bag.
  • A D.B. is a jack ass, a person who believes they are master of their own domain when really they have their head up their ass. Douche bags come in many different forms, but are characterized by their ingenuity and slightly souring fashion sense.
  • Anyone whose outward demeanor and/or appearance represent an inner inkling towards ticklebuttery.
  • Every single action of this man's life is more disgusting, pathetic, and disturbing than the previous action.


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