Beard Team USA: Willing and Able

There's no better way to impress the women-folk...

Faithful readers of this website will remember the entertaining and informative Q+A session we had with Phil Olsen, self-proclaimed captain of Beard Team USA, back in February.

Since Phil is a man of his word, he sent us a Beard Team USA update, prior to their trip to the World Beard and Moustache Championships in England on September 1st. This year's contest, however, will be anything but a cakewalk, as the always-dangerous German team is bringing their usual no-nonsense approach to the contest.

"Ze Germans" will be a tough nut to crack, but Phil remains confident that Beard Team USA, not without its own heavy guns, will be able to give them a run for their money.

Phil fills us in on all the current goings-on in the world of professional facial-hair growing competition in an update that we received in our mailbag last night:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE -- July 20, 2007

Beard Team USA is hoping to bring home plenty of gold from the World Beard and Moustache Championships in Brighton, England, on September 1.

This quirky, bienniel celebration of secondary masculine sexual characteristics features hairy face-offs in seventeen separate categories ranging from the delicate Dali moustache to the anything-goes freestyle full beard.

America's team will field a squad of at least 40 competitors, making it the third largest team, behind host England and always dominant Germany, where the competition began. The best hope for USA gold is in the uniquely American sideburns category, where current world champ Toot Joslin (pictured above, at left) hopes to repeat for the red, white, and blue.

Smart money in the full beard natural category is on 23-year-old upstart Californian Jack Passion (left, in pirate costume) who took third in his rookie start two years ago in Berlin. Most of the other contestants in the category had beards older than Jack himself.

Alaskan David Traver (below, at left, in fur hat), third overall at the WBMC 2003, will return after missing the competition in Berlin, this time competing in the full beard, styled moustache category. Other American hopefuls include Jeff Well in Dali, Frank Madera in Garibaldi, and rookie Alex Antebi in imperial moustache.

Founder and self-appointed captain of Beard Team USA Phil Olsen, who will be competing in the Garibaldi category, has high hopes for the team this year. "Our mission is to make the United States a powerhouse at the World Beard and Moustache Championships. It is doubtful that we can crack the Germans' hegemony this time, but just wait 'til next time."

In 2009 the World Beard and Moustache Championships will return to the USA, taking place in Anchorage, Alaska.

For additional information, contact Phil Olsen (pic below). Telephone: (530) 581-3940. Cell: (530) 414-0462. Email: tahophil@inreach.com. Also see the official Beard Team USA website at www.worldbeardchampionships.com.

First of all, let us thank Phil for remembering to update us on the state of our country's best and most refined beard growers. Secondly, let us state that we fully support Beard Team USA's quest to become the best in the world, because if there's one way to measure a man's success, it's by the artistic, stylistic, and classic attributes of his facial hair.

At the risk of sounding overly sentimental, using only the written word cannot do justice to the kaleidoscope of emotions spinning through our minds like a whirlwind.

In this crazy world of ours, where it seems that we are quickly running out of room, resources, and reason, many countries and groups of people seem to be growing more insane by the hour. We need diversions more than ever - And by diversions, we mean things to shift the focus of the mind, if for but a second, so that we can forget the problems and worries of this twisted planet, and get lost in the simple joys of a beard-growing contest.

So again, a big thank-you to Phil for keeping us informed.

We salute our boys from Beard Team USA, and wish them all the best in their physical and mental preparation for the world championships coming up in a few short weeks.

We're sure we'll get an update of the results after the competition, but until then, take care of business and show those Germans a thing or two about moustache and beard etiquette.