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Who'd have thought an elephant could be so heavy?

If you plan on driving through East India anytime in the near future, consider yourselves warned. Apparently, according to something called The Hindustan Times, an elephant somewhere in eastern India has been holding motorists for ransom.

The elephant, which is probably as smart (or smarter) than most of the people we deal with on a daily basis, has apparently had enough of looking for food in the traditional way, and has invented a new way to get fed:

An elephant in eastern India has sparked complaints from motorists who accuse it of blocking traffic and refusing to allow vehicles to pass unless drivers give it food.

If a commuter does not wind down his window or resists opening the vehicle door, the elephant stands in front of the car until the driver allows him to carry out his routine inspection.

We would like to, at this point, remind you that this story is not made up or fake in any way. There really is an elephant in India that blocks the road until you give it food. One local resident, Prabodh Mohanty, has been accosted by the elephant twice: "If you are carrying vegetables and banana inside your vehicle, then it will gulp them and allow you to go."

Unfortunately, we were not able to determine what the elephant's name is.

That's one hell of a pig.

Jamison Stone, an 11-year-old boy living in eastern Alabama (a region known around the world for its propensity for sheep-shagging), was out hunting on May 3rd with his father when he killed a wild pig that weighed 1,100 pounds. The boy said he "shot the huge animal eight times with a .50-calibre revolver and chased it for three hours through hilly woods before finishing it off with a point-blank shot."

To underscore the size of this pig, it weighs as much as a small car, and has tusks the size of Crocodile Dundee's knife. They expect to get 500-700 pounds of meat from the hog. The taxidermist who was stuffing the pig's head said, "It's huge. It's just the biggest thing I've ever seen." The hams that this pig will provide will be the size of overweight schoolchildren.

"I probably won't ever kill anything else that big," said Jamison.

Hams as big as schoolchildren.

This is an African bug spray commercial from 1986.

How Far Can It Go?

Next time you're drunk at the zoo, remember this story.

A 400-pound gorilla escaped from it's pen at the Rotterdam zoo, attacking four people during its rampage, until it was shot full of tranquilizer darts and re-captured.

The zoo, packed with people due to wonderful weather and a long holiday weekend, was apparently oblivious to the fact that Bokito, an 11-year old male, could somehow manage to jump the 12-foot moat that surrounded his enclosure.

Boy, did he shock them.

Before you crucify Bokito, dear readers, remember that in situations like this, as usual, the ape is not the one to blame here. Once again, the idiocy of the human being eclipses the limited brainpower of our larger, hairier, great ape cousins, and the truth sets us free:

According to police, "shortly before the attack, children had been throwing stones at the gorilla."

Good job, children. Throw rocks at a huge, incredibly pissed-off silverback gorilla. We can understand feeding hot-dogs to monkeys, but casting stones at a huge ape seems a bit much.

Australia lowers the bar once again.

Just when we thought we had thought of every reason there was to hate Australians, this falls into our lap. When we read the story, we were amused. We liked this guy's balls-to-the-wall approach, and the fact that he was dressed as Captain America and had a burrito in his pants only sweetened the deal. But what really makes this story great is the fact that this man is a doctor. Fuck knows what kind of doctor he is, but we have to imagine some kind of penalty for this behavior.

Courtesy of our friends over at TSG, here is a complete transcript of the police report from the incident:

On 4/21/07, at approximately 2149 hours, I responded to On Taps located at 1212 E Strawbridge Ave in reference to a disturbance. Upon arrival I made contact with victim Julie Bressett who stated the following: While enjoying an evening at On Taps, a doctor, dressed like Captain America, approached Bressett and began talking with her. Bressett stated during the conversation the doctor, later identified as Ray Adamcik, began getting vulgar and reached with his hand between her legs and grabbed her genital area. Bresset's boyfriend immediately saw what was happening and stepped in and grabbed Adamcik. A physical confrontation ensued but was shortly broken up by unknown patrons. Witness Kenneth Tingley stated his girlfriend was approached by Adamcik with a burrito in his hands. He began saying "dirty" things to Bressett and then reached down between her legs and grabbed her vagina. Tingley stated that he immediately shoved him off and ended up in a fight. Bressett and Tingley were waiting outside the bar when police arrived. Because there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at this time, all Captain America's were asked to go outside for a possible identification. Out of the four or so Captain America's outside, Bressett positively identified Adamcik as the person who touoched her. Adamcik was secured and transferred to booking without further incident. Once in booking, Adamcik was searched. He was wearing a Captain America outfit consisting of tights. Adamcik asked to use the bathroom. While Adamcik was using the bathroom, Ofc Cowart observed Adamcik standing near the toilet. Cowart observed what appeared to be contraband. Cowart told Adamcik to step back from the toilet but Adamcik flushed. As the toilet was being flushed, Cowart was able to see a baggy of what appeared to be cannabis and a "joint" in the bowl. Cowart tried to grab the evidence but was unable to before the baggy was flushed. Although the baggy wasn't recovered, Cowart was able to recover the "joint" from the toilet. The "joint" was taken into custody as evidence. Adamcik is being charged with battery, disorderly conduct, possession of cannabis less than 20, and desrtuction (sic) of evidence.

Get Yourself A Helmet

Featuring Tom Cruise as the werewolf's butt-buddy.

After we read this story, we felt several conflicting emotions at once: Confusion, amusion, bewilderment, and an intense desire to drink ourselves stupid...

Here's a word of advice, Mr. Werewolf-Man: If you're trying to convince the cops that you are, in fact, a real werewolf, then start acting like a real werewolf.

From what we read in the article, you're not exactly walking around in character, you two-bit petty thief. Real werewolves usually don't walk around with marijuana in their pockets. Real werewolves don't get released from prison, move in with their girlfriends, drink alcohol all the time, and be "often incoherent."

Hell, how many werewolves even have girlfriends?

Not too many, my friends. Not too many.

In our opinion, he should have told the cops he was a Puerto Rican. That, they would've believed. At least it would have explained the foul body odor, excessive facial hair, and general incoherence.

Dr. Ahmadinejad is a kind, reasonable man.

In other news, our favorite hot-headed politician, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has announced that Iran is developing a special new "Islamic bicycle" for women that helps to hide their bodies from the men-folk.

The new bike "has a cabin which conceals half of the cyclilst's body." Also, according to the designers of the bike, "it would encourage women's sports."

Iran, you've done it again! Nothing can encourage women's sports more than a bike with a huge box around it!!!

Pure genius.

Once again, undeniable proof that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is by far the most insane man since Adolf Hitler, and the fact that he has been mayor of a city, let alone president of a country, is scarier than Barbara Bush bending over in a bikini the most reasonable man on the planet.

Monkey Surgery

You have no faith in medicine.

In Malaysia, doctors performed successful cataract surgery on Aman, a 19-year-old orangutan. This marks the first succesful eye surgery ever performed on a great ape. We believe that this is a great occasion, and would like to salute the fine efforts of the good doctors who performed the surgery, Izak Venter and Frik Stegman.

What a momentous occasion.

While we here at HPO are firm believers in equal rights for all apes and monkeys, we also happen to be staunch believers in animals wearing prescription eyeglasses. As a result, we would almost be more inclined to give Aman some sort of indestructible eye-wear instead of the surgery, maybe like some recspecs or something like that...

You have to admit, it would make him look like one intelligent ape, and coupled with some type of monkey hat, we seriously think he could run for president (NOTE: The phrase "monkey hat" is intended to refer to a hat made for a monkey, and is not intended to refer to using a monkey as a hat).

Flesh Tuxedo

I was just wondering if I could introduce you to my - AAARRRRGH!!!

Today, we have a special treat for you, dear HPO readers. Special HPO correspondent Ophelia Johnson chips in her two cents with a special op-ed piece. It's a horse of a different color, and seeing as we love both horses and colors here at HPO, we figured we had to do it.

Enjoy.

Bodybuilders, muscle men, and guys with small penises seeking more impressive physiques are flocking to a newer dysmorphia product. Synthol, an injectable oil produced by various companies but known colloquially as "synthol," binds with the muscle fibres to create a bloated appearance, or instant bulk. (Muscles?) Without any weight training, recipients of the injections can end up with arms larger than their legs.

There's something to be said for fake body parts. Most implants or prosthetics serve at least one purpose, either aesthetically or physically. For instance, breast implants: look good and, depending on whom you ask, feel good. Or a prosthetic leg, which is has an obvious physical advantage that needs no explanation. But these fake-ass synthol-bloated jack asses, much to their oblivion, are accomplishing nothing, which is why this is truly story we at HPO have to label it as a sad, sad case. Senor Jelly arms has neither a physical or aesthetic advantage other than the frightened expression he conjures up from onlookers that only a man who has shoved several fetus heads, a couple of Nerf products and few honeydew melons under his skin could attain. To wit, his muscles seem to be as loose as Paris Hilton's vagina.

Canada Says to Austria: Go Fuck Yourselves

In there like swimwear...

In what we consider to be a bombshell fuck-you move, Canada has minted a 200 pound solid-gold coin, just to spite Austria.

Canada minted the largest coin in the world, only to one-up Austria, who previously had the largest coin in the world.

"They're not doing this because there is huge demand for 100-kilo gold coins,'' Bret Evans, editor of Canadian Coin News said Saturday. "They're doing it because it gives them some bragging rights in having the largest purest gold coin in the world.''

Which, when translated, is pretty much the equivalent of telling Austria to sit on it. Even though they have already sold three of the million-dollar coins, that is not the point.

They did this purely to make sure Austria was out of the Guinness Book of World Records. Let's just hope those uppity Austrians don't take this the wrong way and start a war over this...