New York State of Mind

People love horsies too much.

It's been a while since we've ranted and raved over here at HPO. In fact, it's been a while since we've done anything at all here, so we figured we were due for a nice big "fuck you" to the mainstream media of the United States.

Over the past weeks, it has truly been difficult, if not damn near impossible, to pick up a paper, watch the local news, or even log onto your internet without hearing about the "daring" and "courageous" horse who defied a devastating injury in the biggest race of his life, a horse that underwent several complex surgeries and painful medical procedures in a futile effort to spare his cute little horsie life, a horse that was tearfully put out of his misery as America collevtively wept.

That horse was Barbaro, the bay-colored thoroughbred stallion, and his tragic story teaches us a powerful lesson, people:

We care this much for a fucking horse?

Last time we checked, humans love horses because we can ride them, and we can turn them into quality glue. Now, apparently they're also used for dime-store sob stories, too. Of all the evil, corrupt things that happen in this world, people seem to find it necessary to find a peaceful detachment in watching this animal suffer, hoping and praying for his survival.

Hey, how about all those dying people in Darfur? That's some pretty fucked-up shit, too. Or that little tiff between Sri Lanka and the Tamil Tigers? Why can't the newspapers use that to satisfy the blue-nosers and their little boo-hoo addiction and let them cry their yuppie hearts out till their heads explode right out of their Abercrombie mock turtlenecks?

And all this over a horse... No horse should ever get this type of media attention.

Ever.

Well, OK, maybe with the exception of the world's smallest horse.

Just stand there and look important. Don't fuck it up now.

You stupid bald eagles.

You get chance after chance, but every single time you manage to blow it.

The latest breathtaking display of indisputable genius on the part of our feathered friends occured last Sunday in Alaska, after a bald eagle flew into a bunch of power lines while carrying a deer's head in its claws. And apparently, the eagle found the head in a garbage dump and, well, he just couldn't turn down a treasure as sweet as that.

As a result, a couple thousand people lost power.

And, for the record, anybody who thinks the Eagles played good music needs to get their head examined as well.

Some people really need to be locked up.

That fine, jiggly woman in the photo above is none other than Sienna Miller, whom everybody remembers for her fine acting work in such hollywood blockbusters as Factory Girl, Keen Eddie, and Layer Cake.

Well, now she's really made herself known in the world of entertainment. Her time has come, and this one is so good that we have to post the whole fucking article:

As reported by the Irish Examiner:

30/01/2007 - 3:27:49 PM

Sienna Miller's monkey love

Actress Sienna Miller "made out" with a monkey while shooting her new Esquire magazine photoshoot when her simian pal went too far with a kissing scene.

Miller was told to pose with the money for one quirky photo, and to blow on the creature to grab it's attention.

She recalls: "In order to make the monkey respond with you, you have to blow at its mouth - and it'll kiss you."

But, when Miller blew, the cheeky monkey stuck his tongue in her mouth.

The Alfie star adds: "I sort of made out with a monkey… It was a sweet monkey but, no, that's too much."

And, to add insult to injury, the monkey also urinated on Miller's back.

Here's to feeling good all the time...

As if their breath needed to be worse...

Get the Nobel Prize ready, because we think we got a winner. Apparently, a SoCal company is brewing beer for dogs. Not just for certain breeds, this beer is for all dogs. Which means that now, dogs will actually have a legitimate excuse for licking their balls, destroying furniture, attempting to fornicate with dogs they are related to, and crapping in your umbrella holder.

No word on whether the dog has to be 21 in dog years to buy a beer.

And a-one, and a-two...

And just when you thought we were running out of reasons for hating Florida even more, we get this story. A Pensacola police officer pulled over a 16-year-old girl and made her do jumping jacks topless as he shined his flashlight on her bare 16-year-old breasts.

Way to do the community a service, you mindless pervert!

Isn't it charming that an officer of the law is free to entertain the most disgusting of his sick, twisted fantasies under the light of the Florida moon? Isn't this exactly the kind of thing that people get chopped to pieces for doing in Cambodia?

What a way to punch your one-way express ticket to hell.

You are a degenerate, Officer Shields. Florida was already hated for its trashy accent, cheap tatoos, and ankle socks, but you just added "pederast police" to that long list.

Go sit on a tack.

In other news, we managed to get our hands on yet another fine article by classic American humorist Jack Handey, who is a comedy whale as far as this blog is concerned. This article was run by The New Yorker back in 2005. Here is the beginning:

People of Mars, you say we are brutes and savages. But let me tell you one thing: if I could get loose from this cage you have me in, I would tear you guys a new Martian asshole.You say we are violent and barbaric, but has any one of you come up to my cage and extended his hand? Because, if he did, I would jerk it off and eat it right in front of him. "Mmm, that's good Martian," I would say.

You say your civilization is more advanced than ours. But who is really the more "civilized" one? You, standing there watching this cage? Or me, with my pants down, trying to urinate on you? You criticize our Earth religions, saying they have no relevance to the way we actually live. But think about this: if I could get my hands on that god of yours, I would grab his skinny neck and choke him until his big green head exploded.

We are a warlike species, you claim, and you show me films of Earth battles to prove it. But I have seen all the films about twenty times. Get some new films, or, so help me, if I ever get out of here I will empty my laser pistol into everyone I see, even pets.

For those of you that are interested, here is the rest of the article.

Ants In My Pants

Lemme get my hands on some crack cocaine.

James Brown, the shotgun-toting, PCP-smoking, woman-beating Godfather of Soul, died a while back, and for most of us, this did not result in jail time. But, in what could possibly be the best news story of this young year, a couple of hee-haws down in Alabama have shown the rest of the world some die-hard come-uppance.

As reported by several reputable daily newspapers, two Alabama senior citizens (men over 60 years old) got into an argument over exactly how tall James Brown was, and the argument got so heated that one guy ended up shooting the other guy.

To truly understand how ridiculous this whole rotten affair is, try to picture yourself at age 70, opening fire on your close friend because you wanted to prove you knew exactly how tall a cracksmoking lunatic rapist deeply talented singer was.

So how tall was Brown? Well, nobody knows for sure, since he often wore heels or lifts, but experts put him at about 5'6".

Our favorite quote from this story: "Shockingly, alcohol did not seem to play a role in this shooting."

Joseph.

Yellow Mountain

This makes us wanna go out and buy the new Pimp Trick Gangsta Click CD.

Bubb Rubb and Li'l Sis. These people may just be dumb enough to make a red-headed Mexican child appear intelligent. We here at HPO have always believed that people, as a whole, are generally a lot stupider than you give them credit for.

Whistle-tips on your muffler?

We can understand a novelty clown horn, but whistles? But hey, it looks like they hit on a key demographic: Young black people who have 100% disposable income. If they have any money left over after buying all those watermelons, gold teeth, Air Force Ones and doo-rags, you can bet the ranch that they're buying whistle-tips for their Impala.

Anyways, our favorite part of the clip is at the end when Bubb Rubb pulls off in his beat-up vehicle, almost hits a parked car, and then runs the stop sign.

Classy.

That's a fine-looking gunship you got there.

America attacked Somalia.

Again.

Apparently, the targets were several Al-Qaeda insurgents who may or may not have been responsible for the bombings on the African embassies a few years back.

Ok.... So, if this is true, and the USA is after an underground terrorist cell, why did they park an aircraft carrier off the coast of Somalia? Why didn't they just do this Special Forces style, where you send in a bunch of guys in ski masks at dawn? This attack wasn't in Mogadishu, it was in a small border town. Why not just go in?

Somalia is a country that has been without government since 1991, and now with the Ethiopians getting their noses into the mix, it makes one wonder why Dubya Bush decided to park a carrier group off the coast...

HPO's official position on this is that they should settle it according to traditional Kazakhstani argument-settling customs:

Tigger will drop you like a bad habit.

Working-class family goes on vacation to Disney World. Family poses for picture with Tigger. Man in Tigger costume puts teenage boy in armlock and throws a left jab at his face. Family is outraged, man in Tigger costume denies it.

Tigger does his best Floyd Mayweather impression.

After the authorities were informed about this, it turned out that Tigger didn't exactly have a squeaky-clean past, either. Apparently, back in 2004, Tigger was accused of being a pervert by a 13-year-old girl and her mother, who claim to have had their breasts fondled by Tigger while posing for a picture.

Apparently, Tigger's life is nothing more than a vodka-fueled grope-a-thon that often ends in random violence on teenagers.

A Hot Pipes New Year

A worthy adversary.

While most of us spent this past holiday week at home with family or locked in the drunk-tank, Saddam was busy preparing for his midnight train to Slab City. His ticket was courtesy of the Iraqi people, and as far as dictators are concerned Saddam was no slouch. So it is no surprise for us to see him like this, with his neck twisted at a sharp angle.

But we can't help but think that if Saddam was still alive, he'd be screaming and gestriculating wildly in disagreement of his death penalty. Because when you think about, some other just-as-crazy dictators were allowed to peacefully die of "natural causes" despite abusing their power just as violently.

At least Saddam didn't build a solid-gold statue of himself that rotated so it always faced the sun...

Out of the frying pan.

Ritchie Davis was sentenced last week for stealing that bus and driving the passengers around. The 15 year old will be kept in the State of Florida's fine intervention program since his father is apparently unable to keep the kid from stealing buses. And, as an extra fuck-you, Ritchie's driving priveledges were somehow revoked by the judge, even though Ritchie is too young to have a driver's license.

Soft drugs are for pussies.

In other news, society is reeling in shock after learning that Mike Tyson, star of Punch-Out!!, was arrested and charged with possession of cocaine.

According to the police report that was found by the good people at TSG, Iron Mike was out drunk driving when he almost drive his vehicle right into a County Sherriff's patrol car. The arresting officer immediately recognized Tyson and found three bags of cocaine in his pocket and car.

After performing field sobriety tests on Tyson, the officer claimed that "Mike performed poorly on the One Leg Stand and Walk-and-Turn." Later on, Tyson manfully cracked and admitted to police that he is helplessly addicted to cocaine and uses it whenever he can.

Merry New Year.