Wednesday, January 31, 2007

New York State of Mind

People love horsies too much.

It's been a while since we've ranted and raved over here at HPO. In fact, it's been a while since we've done anything at all here, so we figured we were due for a nice big "fuck you" to the mainstream media of the United States.

Over the past weeks, it has truly been difficult, if not damn near impossible, to pick up a paper, watch the local news, or even log onto your internet without hearing about the "daring" and "courageous" horse who defied a devastating injury in the biggest race of his life, a horse that underwent several complex surgeries and painful medical procedures in a futile effort to spare his cute little horsie life, a horse that was tearfully put out of his misery as America collevtively wept.

That horse was Barbaro, the bay-colored thoroughbred stallion, and his tragic story teaches us a powerful lesson, people:

We care this much for a fucking horse?

Last time we checked, humans love horses because we can ride them, and we can turn them into quality glue. Now, apparently they're also used for dime-store sob stories, too. Of all the evil, corrupt things that happen in this world, people seem to find it necessary to find a peaceful detachment in watching this animal suffer, hoping and praying for his survival.

Hey, how about all those dying people in Darfur? That's some pretty fucked-up shit, too. Or that little tiff between Sri Lanka and the Tamil Tigers? Why can't the newspapers use that to satisfy the blue-nosers and their little boo-hoo addiction and let them cry their yuppie hearts out till their heads explode right out of their Abercrombie mock turtlenecks?

And all this over a horse... No horse should ever get this type of media attention.


Well, OK, maybe with the exception of the world's smallest horse.

Just stand there and look important. Don't fuck it up now.

You stupid bald eagles.

You get chance after chance, but every single time you manage to blow it.

The latest breathtaking display of indisputable genius on the part of our feathered friends occured last Sunday in Alaska, after a bald eagle flew into a bunch of power lines while carrying a deer's head in its claws. And apparently, the eagle found the head in a garbage dump and, well, he just couldn't turn down a treasure as sweet as that.

As a result, a couple thousand people lost power.

And, for the record, anybody who thinks the Eagles played good music needs to get their head examined as well.

Some people really need to be locked up.

That fine, jiggly woman in the photo above is none other than Sienna Miller, whom everybody remembers for her fine acting work in such hollywood blockbusters as Factory Girl, Keen Eddie, and Layer Cake.

Well, now she's really made herself known in the world of entertainment. Her time has come, and this one is so good that we have to post the whole fucking article:

As reported by the Irish Examiner:

30/01/2007 - 3:27:49 PM

Sienna Miller's monkey love

Actress Sienna Miller "made out" with a monkey while shooting her new Esquire magazine photoshoot when her simian pal went too far with a kissing scene.

Miller was told to pose with the money for one quirky photo, and to blow on the creature to grab it's attention.

She recalls: "In order to make the monkey respond with you, you have to blow at its mouth - and it'll kiss you."

But, when Miller blew, the cheeky monkey stuck his tongue in her mouth.

The Alfie star adds: "I sort of made out with a monkey… It was a sweet monkey but, no, that's too much."

And, to add insult to injury, the monkey also urinated on Miller's back.


Post a Comment

<< Home