Ants In My Pants

Lemme get my hands on some crack cocaine.

James Brown, the shotgun-toting, PCP-smoking, woman-beating Godfather of Soul, died a while back, and for most of us, this did not result in jail time. But, in what could possibly be the best news story of this young year, a couple of hee-haws down in Alabama have shown the rest of the world some die-hard come-uppance.

As reported by several reputable daily newspapers, two Alabama senior citizens (men over 60 years old) got into an argument over exactly how tall James Brown was, and the argument got so heated that one guy ended up shooting the other guy.

To truly understand how ridiculous this whole rotten affair is, try to picture yourself at age 70, opening fire on your close friend because you wanted to prove you knew exactly how tall a cracksmoking lunatic rapist deeply talented singer was.

So how tall was Brown? Well, nobody knows for sure, since he often wore heels or lifts, but experts put him at about 5'6".

Our favorite quote from this story: "Shockingly, alcohol did not seem to play a role in this shooting."

Joseph.