Monday, January 29, 2007

Here's to feeling good all the time...

As if their breath needed to be worse...

Get the Nobel Prize ready, because we think we got a winner. Apparently, a SoCal company is brewing beer for dogs. Not just for certain breeds, this beer is for all dogs. Which means that now, dogs will actually have a legitimate excuse for licking their balls, destroying furniture, attempting to fornicate with dogs they are related to, and crapping in your umbrella holder.

No word on whether the dog has to be 21 in dog years to buy a beer.

And a-one, and a-two...

And just when you thought we were running out of reasons for hating Florida even more, we get this story. A Pensacola police officer pulled over a 16-year-old girl and made her do jumping jacks topless as he shined his flashlight on her bare 16-year-old breasts.

Way to do the community a service, you mindless pervert!

Isn't it charming that an officer of the law is free to entertain the most disgusting of his sick, twisted fantasies under the light of the Florida moon? Isn't this exactly the kind of thing that people get chopped to pieces for doing in Cambodia?

What a way to punch your one-way express ticket to hell.

You are a degenerate, Officer Shields. Florida was already hated for its trashy accent, cheap tatoos, and ankle socks, but you just added "pederast police" to that long list.

Go sit on a tack.

In other news, we managed to get our hands on yet another fine article by classic American humorist Jack Handey, who is a comedy whale as far as this blog is concerned. This article was run by The New Yorker back in 2005. Here is the beginning:

People of Mars, you say we are brutes and savages. But let me tell you one thing: if I could get loose from this cage you have me in, I would tear you guys a new Martian asshole.You say we are violent and barbaric, but has any one of you come up to my cage and extended his hand? Because, if he did, I would jerk it off and eat it right in front of him. "Mmm, that's good Martian," I would say.

You say your civilization is more advanced than ours. But who is really the more "civilized" one? You, standing there watching this cage? Or me, with my pants down, trying to urinate on you? You criticize our Earth religions, saying they have no relevance to the way we actually live. But think about this: if I could get my hands on that god of yours, I would grab his skinny neck and choke him until his big green head exploded.

We are a warlike species, you claim, and you show me films of Earth battles to prove it. But I have seen all the films about twenty times. Get some new films, or, so help me, if I ever get out of here I will empty my laser pistol into everyone I see, even pets.

For those of you that are interested, here is the rest of the article.


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