Whiplash

Up, up, and away.

A Brazilian priest has been missing for four days after he tied himself to a couple hundred helium balloons and drifted off to sea. The priest performed this stunt to raise money for a local orphanage or something like that, but now it looks like the only thing he managed to accomplish was presenting a lucky shark with a nice meal.

Critics of his philanthropic mission claim that he grossly miscalculated the effect of the winds in that part of Brazil. His plan was to get blown inland from the coast, but the wind quickly took him out to sea.

Ok, we understand this guy is an experienced skydiver and had taken jungle survival training. We understand that he had taken one of these balloon flights earlier. We understand that he was equipped with a parachute, flight suit, helmet, and GPS system.

But your GPS won't save you from a shark looking at you and thinking "snack time."

Our sympathies are with this guy, and we hope that he makes it and all that, but come on - this stunt is about as stupid as trying to jump a tricycle over a pool of alligators.

Half the way down.

Here is an article we found on the internet today. This is pretty much the worst you could possibly do at your job. It's like a fireman burning down buildings or a garbageman littering.

Police officer sacked for sex on duty

LONDON - A Metropolitan Police officer has been ordered to resign after having sex with a prostitute whilst investigating a brothel.
The Independent Police Complaints Commission found Sergeant Manjit Johal guilty of misconduct.
The misconduct case heard how the married 43-year-old officer was supposed to be following up on reports that a Walthamstow premises was being used as a brothel.
Instead the IPCC said he had: "engaged in sexual activity with a sex worker. "It was alleged he even put a Community Police Officer on the front door as a look out.
Mr. Johal, who headed the local Community Police Team, faced four disciplinary charges. IPCC Commissioner Deborah Glass said: "The sergeant's behavior was disgraceful. He has brought shame on himself and his former colleagues."

Stereotype Friday

"I'm-a no look-a for trouble, because-a trouble, she's-a no good"

Since it's Friday, we have a special treat for you. We have selected a series of real-life news stories which highlight prominent social stereotypes of ethnic or geographic nature. The point is this: A lot of the times, racial stereotypes are completely bastardized and wrong. But sometimes, they are right on target.

And when they are, it can be pretty damn beautiful. In fact, it can be pure poetry in motion. So, dear readers, enjoy this cornicopia of real news stories highlighting social stereotypes.

A Russian in the "horizontal position".

Drunk Russian sleeps off knifing

A Russian man trying to sleep off a night of after-work drinking failed to notice a six-inch knife in his back - until his wife woke him up.
Yuri Lyalin, 53, took a bus home, ate breakfast and apparently slept like a baby before his spouse noticed a handle sticking out of his back.
He was rushed to casualty but doctors found no vital organs damaged.
Mr Lyalin shrugged the episode off but the drinking partner who stabbed him faces trial, Russian media report.
"Unique and intriguing the case may be, but the accused faces a severe punishment," said Pavel Vorobyov, a deputy prosecutor in the northern city of Vologda.
Mr Lyalin, an electrician, had spent the evening drinking with a watchman at his workplace when they got into an argument, Interfax news agency reports.
The morning found him waking up in the watchman's office but instead of going back to work, he decided to take the bus home.
At home, Mr Lyalin had some sausage from the fridge and lay down to sleep, the Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper says.
After a couple of hours, his wife noticed the handle sticking out of his back and called an ambulance.
Viktor Belov, a surgeon who treated him, found a kitchen knife in Mr Lyalin's back but "by good fortune, it had gone through soft tissue without touching vital organs".
His alleged attacker reported the crime to the police himself, Interfax adds. Mr Lyalin apparently feels fine and bears no ill-will.
"We were drinking and what doesn't happen when you're drunk?" he was quoted by Komsomolskaya Pravda as saying.

All Romanians are degenerate, abusive, gypsys.

Romanian fined for allegedly making 6,442 profane calls

BUCHAREST, Romania (AP) - A Romanian man has been fined for making 6,442 profane phone calls to an emergency number, police said Thursday. The 24-year-old man, who lives in a village in southern Romania, was identified in February and fined $223 in April after a checkup showed he was mentally sound, said Daniela Salaoru, police spokeswoman for Ialomita county police.
Police did not identify the caller. But the Evenimentul Zilei newspaper said he was a well-digger, and reported that he called the 112 emergency number from November to January to swear at the operators. He used a prepaid mobile phone, which does not immediately make it possible to identify the caller.
The newspaper said he denied he was the culprit. It reported that his mother said he was a loner and that she saw him talking on the phone a lot, but did not know with whom.
Romanian authorities say that over 90 percent of calls to 112 are hoaxes or non-emergencies. In November, the European Union, which Romania joined in 2007, threatened legal action against Romania for deficiencies in its 112 system, mainly the failure to locate callers who use mobile phones.
Romanian authorities say the system will begin to locate mobile callers this summer.

Indiana... Well, Indiana just kind of speaks for itself.

Truckload of human feces spills on Indiana roadway

CROWN POINT, Indiana (AP) - Indiana 55 has reopened after a truckload of human feces spilled onto the roadway in northwestern Indiana's Crown Point.
The driver told police he was hauling treated human feces from a water recycling plant in Portage when the load spilled about 10:30 a.m. Thursday.
The Lake County hazardous materials response team came to clean up the mess, along with the Crown Point Fire Department and Indiana State Police.
The northbound and southbound lanes of the highway were closed during the cleanup.
The Indiana Department of Transportation cited the driver for an unsecured load.

That Thing Is Pointy, Fellas

A ding-dang-doo!

Faithful readers of this website will remember the story of P. Selvakumar, the man who married his dog. The more scrutinous of you readers may also remember a certain Mr. Tombe, aka "The Sudanese Goatfucker," who ended up being forced to marry a goat. Sadly, his goat-wife (named Rose) no longer provides him with goat-loving: "Rose has since died after choking on a plastic bag while eating scraps on the streets of Juba."

Oh, Lord, the humanity! You giveth and you taketh away - but to deprive a man of his un-holy goat-wife is living hell. Have mercy on our goat-marrying souls, o powerful one - Hoobabakanda!!!

There's something wrong with my pants.

Which leads us to today's story:

Bulgarian farmer swaps wife for goat

The day before a friend told me that he has had no luck with women and that he really liked my wife," says the 54-year-old. "The deal was reached when my wife gave her approval.
"The goat has given birth to three kids and my wife to none.
"So this deal was more profitable to the goat owner, I got a second-hand goat and he got a brand new wife."
A luckless Bulgarian farmer who was been married three times has decided to try his hand at marriage one last time - with a goat.
Stoil Panayotov exchanged his third wife with Elena the eight-year-old goat at a livestock market in March - because she couldn't provide him with a child.
The extraordinary deal was concluded in front of a stunned crowd in the market town of Plovdiv, central Bulgaria.The day before a friend told me that he has had no luck with women and that he really liked my wife," says the 54-year-old. "The deal was reached when my wife gave her approval.
"The goat has given birth to three kids and my wife to none.
"So this deal was more profitable to the goat owner, I got a second-hand goat and he got a brand new wife."

Ah yes, Bulgaria strikes gold once again. Where would we be without Bulgaria? Well, we wouldn't be reading stories about men swapping their wives for goats, that's for sure. So, why would he swap his wife for a goat, anyways?

The answer, of course, is so he could be able to do this:

Gettin' After It

Wade Boggs loves the sauce.

Most of you probably remember Wade Boggs for his smooth baseball swing, his happy-go-lucky attitude, or his trademark bushwhackin' moustache. Hell, some of you may even remember that Wade Boggs once injured his back after slipping over while putting on cowboy boots.

But what you probably didn't know is that Wade Boggs is the biggest alcoholic ever to have walked the face of the earth. Blessed with some amazing genetic abilities, "the man with the golden liver" has taken the commonly-accepted notions about alcohol consumption and crushed them like an empty can of Miller Lite.

Courtesy of Tasty Booze, we bring you this amazing and entirely true anecdote about Wade Boggs. In this story, you will witness Wade Boggs in his element - wild and free. Enjoy this, dear readers:

From a radio broadcast in which Sandy (host) discusses baseball with Wade Boggs' former teammate, Jeff Nelson.

Sandy: Who would you say drank the most beer out of everyone you ever played with?
Nelson: Easy, Wade Boggs...easy
Sandy: (laughing) Really!? Wade Boggs?
Nelson: Oh, yeah, without a doubt. I've never seen anyone drink as much beer as he did in my life:
Sandy: (laughing) Get outta here, alright, give me an example, like how much did he drink?
Nelson: Oh, I'd say, on a typical road trip, east coast to west coast, say a road game to Seattle...Wade would drink anywhere between 50 and 60 beers.
Sandy: NO WAY!! 50 or 60 beers. That is impossible.
Nelson: No, I know... I know how crazy that sounds, and I wouldn't believe it myself unless I saw him do it...numerous times. And he drank nothing but Miller Lite.
Sandy: How in the hell did he have time to drink that many beers. For God's sake, how many times did he have to go to the bathroom?
Nelson: I'm not kidding you Steve. Seriously. Wade was the kind of guy who was always the first one at the club house.So he'd get to the clubhouse, and he'd bring a six pack with him. He'd be there drinking a beer when someone showed up, and as we were all packing our stuff up out of our lockers and getting our bags ready for the trip, Wade would sit there and drink that whole six pack.
Now, at the time, we were flying out of New Jersey, so it was somewhat of a drive from Yankee stadium to the airport in New Jersey. Wade would drink another couple of beers on the bus to the airport. At the time, we were flying this older airplane, it couldn't make it across the country without refueling, and it wasn't the fastest airplane in the sky. So we would stop in North Dakota or something. Wade would drink about a half rack between New Jersey and North Dakota, and it would take about a half-hour to an hour to refuel once we got there, so he'd have a few more beers while we were grounded in North Dakota.
Once we got back up in the air, Wade would drink another 10, 11, 12 beers on the way out to the west coast. The whole flight from coast to coast ususally took us well over 7 hours. We'd touch down at Sea-Tac, hop on the bus headed to the Kingdome, and Wade would have another beer or two on the bus. Then, all of us would get to the Kingdome and unpack our bags and sit around and BS with eachother, and Wade would have a beer in his hand the entire time. He was always one of the last people to leave the club house too. So I'd say that all in all, he drank over 50 beers on the trip, and this wasn't just an isolated incident, he did that almost every time.
Sandy: Unbelievable. That's absolutely unbelieveable.
Nelson: Yeah, I know, I'm not kidding though, let's call up somebody and they'll tell you man, they'll tell you I'm not lying.
Sandy: Alright, who should we call up. Let's take a commercial break, and then we'll call up somebody and see if we can’t get to the bottom of this….This is absolutely amazing.
[commercial break: When the commercial end, Paul Sorrento, a former Mariner and Devil Ray, and Boggs's and Nelly's former teammate, is on the phone]
Nelly: Hey Paul, good to hear from you man, I haven't talked to you in a while.

Sorrento: Yeah, what's it been like, two, three years?
Nelly: Yeah. Hey, Paul, just to clarify now, I didn't speak to you over the commercial break, and I haven't talked to you about anything since we last talked a few years ago right?
Sorrento: Yeah, right.
Nelly: Alright Paul, we've been talking about Wade Boggs up here today in Seattle.
Sorrento: (laughing) Yeah, ole Wade huh.
Nelly: Yeah, alright Paul, I need you to answer one question for me, truthfully now...How many beers would Wade Boggs drink on an east coast to west coast road trip?
Sorrento: Oh, jeez, (exhaling like a flat tire) I don't know, like 70.
Nelly, Sandberg, Sorrento, Hank: (Rolling on the ground laughing)

Wade Boggs likes fishing. Note the beer cans.

If you aren't impressed by this, don't worry. It gets better. Aside from having a strong affection for fishing, Wade Boggs also has a strong affection for doing funny things. Aside from his quirky attributes, such as a love of beer or deeply-rooted fear of horses, Wade Boggs was an amazing man. All that follows is taken from Wade Boggs's wikipedia article.

The Margo Adams Affair
Boggs garnered non-baseball related media attention in 1989 for his four-year extramarital affair with Margo Adams, a California mortgage broker. After Boggs ended the relationship in 1988, Adams filed a $12 million lawsuit for emotional distress and breach of oral contract. She argued that Boggs had verbally agreed to compensate her for lost income and services performed while accompanying Boggs on road trips. Boggs ' reputation was further sullied when Adams agreed to an interview with Penthouse Magazine in which she discussed intimate details of her time with Boggs. While acknowledging the validity of the affair, Boggs went on the offensive in order to combat the wave of negative press, publicly denying many of the claims made by Adams. Boggs' rebuttal included an appearance on the ABC program 20-20 in which he presented his side of the story to Barbara Walters. In February 1989, an appeals court threw out $11.5 million of the initial lawsuit, ruling that Adams could not seek compensation for emotional distress. The remaining $500,000 was settled out of court later that year for an undisclosed amount.

Superstitions
Boggs was known for his superstitions as much as his hitting. He ate chicken before every game (Jim Rice once called Boggs "chicken man"), woke up at the same time every day, took exactly 150 ground balls in practice, took batting practice at 5:17 and ran sprints at 7:17. His route to and from his position in the field beat a path to the home dugout. He drew the Hebrew word "Chai", meaning "life", in the batter's box before each at-bat, though he is not Jewish. Most people don't know that his favorite count was 3 balls and 2 strikes. Boggs also claimed that his at-bats improved when longtime mistress Margo Adams attended games while not wearing underwear.

Wade Boggs is Batman.

In the video below, you will see Wade Boggs himself answering rumors that he once drank 64 beers on a flight from Boston to Los Angeles:

Russian Generals Too Fat For New Uniforms

Have another one.

When we read this story on the wire this morning, it didn't really shock us at all. We are attaching the full article here:

Russian generals will soon have a stylish new uniform designed by a top fashion designer, but the question is: Will they fit?

More than 30% of the army's elite officers are overweight and 25% failed a fitness test, army spokesperson Vyacheslav Sedov said on Wednesday.

The army will now launch a fitness drive as it prepares to move over to a stylish uniform designed by top fashion designer Valentin Yudashkin. "The new military uniform should match what is inside it," said Sedov.

The army will build gyms, swimming pools and sports halls to get the podgy and under-exercised officers back in form, said Sedov.

The fitness tests were organised by Vladimir Shamanov, an officer alleged to have overseen widespread human rights abuses while helping to lead Russia's crushing of Chechen rebels. Officers were tested on their running, swimming and shooting skills.

Shamanov said that the unfit officers need more physical exercises, particularly aerobic exercises, daily newspaper Kommersant reported.

The army will also launch a campaign "to cultivate the culture of sport in the armed forces", said Sedov. -- AFP

Right. Sounds pretty reasonable. Russian generals too fat for clothes - let's get them back into shape. The only problem is, this is Russia we're talking about here. In Russia, things don't exactly work the same as they do in most other countries in the world. Why? Because Russia is the worst country in the world!!!

If you read the above article carefully, you'll notice it says that the new conditioning program for the tubby officers is being adminstered by Vladimir Shamanov, "an officer alleged to have overseen widespread human rights abuses while helping to lead Russia's crushing of Chechen rebels."

That sounds dandy!

But, since we are big believers in the fact that a picture says a thousand words, instead of just writing about how messed-up Russia is, we will just post some videos which speak for themselves. Now, we don't want to seem like we are being unfair or prejudiced against any country or group of people - but's it's been proven on many, many occasions by the most acknowledged experts in the world that all Russian people, without error or exception, are uncontrollable drunks who are drawn to vodka like nails to a magnet.

Court Rules In Favor Of Duck

Circles, the duck who was shot in his own backyard.

Newsday

April 4, 2008

Like any other victim of a violent attack, Circles the duck now has legal protection - an order of protection against the man charged as her assailant.

In addition to getting shot in the neck by a pellet gun, Suffolk prosecutors said Circles, of Mastic, managed to make legal history yesterday.

"To my knowledge, it's the first order of protection for a pet in Suffolk County outside of domestic violence cases," said prosecutor Michelle Auletta.The attack was quick, said Circles' owner, Janet Lippincott, 53.

A group of teens jumped the backyard fence and charged at her with pellet guns, Lippincott said.

"My son just lost it," Lippincott said, describing the March 17 shooting. "He saw the blood on both sides of her neck."

But yesterday, the yellow-billed Pekin duck - the same variety as Long Island duck fame - scored a legal victory. The man police say is her attacker, Ylik Mathews, 21, of Mastic, pleaded not guilty to felony animal cruelty charges in First District Court in Central Islip.

Judge John Iliou issued a full order of protection for Lippincott's family, including Circles.An attorney who has represented Mathews in the past said he was unfamiliar with this case.

Mathews was held on bail of $5,000 cash or $10,000 bond."She's made a remarkable recovery," Lippincott said as Circles made gurgly duck sounds at her feet yesterday.

According to court papers, the single pellet pierced the duck's larynx, shattering a bone around her voice box and leaving two holes on opposite sides of her neck. Circles' veterinary bill totaled $200.

Lippincott said Mathews first told her the shooting was an accident. But she said she decided to press charges after Mathews sought assault charges against her son, Michael.

At first, Lippincott said Suffolk police were stumped. "They'd never ran across it before," she said of assault on a duck. In 2006, then-Gov. George Pataki signed into law the legal provision to include pets in orders of protection.

The measure was first used a month later in Queens, when a judge listed Be Be, a 5-year-old bichon frise, as a party in a domestic dispute. Roy Gross, chief of the Suffolk County Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, said he could not recall a case involving cruelty to ducks that led to court.

If convicted, Mathews faces up to two years in prison. State prison records show he has a felony conviction for first-degree robbery. Circles is back to sleeping in the dog crate she shares with two pit bull-Labrador sisters, Viper and Sweetie.

"It wound up a nightmare," Lippincott said, "all because they shot my duck."

We don't know about you, but we here at HPO are quite satisfied that justice was served and that the court ruled in favor of that duck. Does a duck not breath the same air as all of us? Does it not deserve the same standards of safety and common decency as we do? How would you like it if your pet was shot with a pellet gun?

Right. But on the other hand, ducks can be pretty agressive themselves:

Diaper-clad monkey escapes Fla. home

Associated Press
Fri Apr 4, 7:17 PM ET
ORLANDO, Fla.

A diaper-clad monkey who escaped from his Orlando home is in the custody of animal control. Orlando Police said the monkey escaped through a window Friday and was sitting on top of a wall near a condo building.

When passerby's tried to catch the monkey, he charged at them, forcing them to retreat to the street into oncoming traffic.

Authorities used a banana to lure the monkey into a cage where he was then taken to Orange County Animal Control.

Authorities were not able to locate the animal's owners.