Mustang Sally

Have another one...

Sure, there are a million questions to be asked after reading this story, but it is not our job to answer those questions. Our favorite is the last line of this one:

Horse in bank leaves deposit

April 25, 2007 - 7:24AM

An early-morning German bank customer had a bit of a shock when he found a horse in line at the automatic teller machine in front of him.
The horse's owner, identified only as Wolfgang H, had too much to drink the night before and decided to sleep it off inside the bank's heated foyer, police said.
The 40-year-old machinist told the Bild newspaper he had had "a few beers" with a friend in Wiesenburg, southwest of Berlin, and decided to rest in the bank on his way home.
"It was late, it was already dark and cold," he was quoted as saying.
Confronted with the lack of a hitching-post, he brought the 6-year-old horse, named Sammy, in with him.
When a customer came across the horse and sleeping rider in the early hours of the morning, he called police, who came and awoke the owner and sent him on his way.
No charges were filed, but a clean-up might be needed. Apparently Sammy made his own after-hours deposit on the carpet.

The Black Hitler

Bold words, there.

Please, tells us, Dr. Muhammad, where exactly did you get your doctorate degree?

Johns Hopkins Medical School, perhaps? Maybe Stanford University?

Or perhaps from the inside of a Cracker Jack box? Maybe, Dr. Muhammad, just maybe, you found somebody else's degree during your daily rummaging through a dumpster looking for spare ribs and spark plugs, you bigoted, racist jack-ass.

The most likely scenario, however, is that your doctorate degree is nothing more than illegible pencil markings scribbled on the back of a Thunderbird wrapper, you sweaty, jive-talking, pork-chop-eating excuse for a preacher!

Now all we need is a White Farrakhan...

Born in the USA

You gotta love the court system.

This news story is too good to be true. We swear, we're not making it up. We especially like the lead used by the good people down at Forbes.

Donkey Becomes Witness in Dallas Dispute

The first witness in a lawsuit Wednesday between two neighbors was a real ass. Buddy the donkey walked to the bench and stared at the jury, the picture of a gentle, well-mannered creature and not the loud, aggressive animal he had been accused of being.

The donkey was at the center of a dispute between oilman John Cantrell and attorney Gregory Shamoun that began after Cantrell complained about a storage shed Shamoun was building in his backyard in Dallas.

He said Shamoun retaliated by bringing Buddy from his ranch in Midlothian and putting him in the backyard.

Cantrell complained of donkey noise and manure piles.

"They bray a lot any time day or night. You never know when they're going to cut loose," he testified.

Shamoun said Buddy was there to serve as a surrogate mother for a calf named Lucy that needed to be bottle-fed.

Neither jurors nor Buddy had the last say.

The neighbors settled their dispute while jurors deliberated.

Shamoun agreed to buy some of Cantrell's land and Cantrell agreed to withdraw his complaint with the city.

Our favorite comment was this one: "Apparently, Buddy had no comment."

De Long

Show it to her.

Sometimes, situational irony is so perfect, so sublime and pure, that it is almost too good to be true. You cannot help but wonder to yourself, "Is this real? Can it really be true? Or is this someone's idea of a crude joke, a clever attempt at getting a laugh?" We here at HPO are usually of the opinion that if something is so ridiculously out-of-line that it seems like there is no way it could be true, it usually is true. It's just the way life works.

We salute you, Dr. De Cock.

Laziness....

Sometimes, it's good to be lazy.

We haven't been posting too much lately. Apparently, laziness is addictive. And that comes as news to us.

A big, fat, tightly-coiled steaming pile of news.

So, instead of writing about something funny, like the fact that Keith Richards admitted to snorting his own father's ashes, we will take the lazy way out, and we will just post a couple of videos that we figure deserved posting.

This lady probably wouldn't survive long in the jungle. The cat is pretty much spelling it out for her: "Put me down." But she still holds on. And then, after the "brutal, unprovoked attack", she bursts into tears. Poor thing.

Yeah, we know we already posted this one, but we love it, so fuck you.

Of all of today's videos, this one is our favorite. It's called "Dumbest Burglar Ever."

This isn't that funny, but we needed a filler.

Yeah, we already know we are going to hell, so there's no need to remind us of it.

Keep It In Your Pants, Doc

Disgusting.

Alan Hutchinson, a dentist from Britain, had his dental license revoked after he was found guilty of urinating into a sink during surgery.

Ballsy... Stupid, but ballsy.

He was caught after a nurse noticed a urine smell in the room during open-mouth surgery, and then observed the doctor "tucking something into his trousers." You don't need to be genius to figure out what he was tucking into his pants, but for those of you that don't know, let's just say that it starts with a "P" and ends in a "enis."

Before we begin casting stones at the dentist, however, we should remember that sink urination is a lot more common than you might think. One study proved that over 60% of American men had urinated in a sink in their own home during the past year.

The management of this website will neither admit nor deny allegations of sink urination in our home, especially if those allegations refer to the big concrete utility sink in the basement next to the washing machine.

This chimp smokes like it's going out of style. Somebody get him a carton of unfilters, stat. While we here at HPO generally discourage substance abuse by animals, we think that this chimp is really on to something, and we salute his fine habit. Of course, the cigarettes he is smoking are a new brand of South African cigarettes, which are actually good for you: They lower blood pressure and contain an entire week's requirement of vitamin J.

Kick his ass, Seabass.

In Merrillville, Indiana, police raided the home of a man suspected of staging illegal cockfighting matches. Police found 71 roosters, some with blood on their feathers, some with beaks that had been sharpened into razor-like killing machines. But law enforcement officials believe that the most incriminating evidence against the man will be the 23 copies of "The Gamecock" magazine and 27 copies of "Grit and Steel" magazine found at the home.

This type of human degeneration should not come as a surprise to anybody, when you consider which towns directly border Merrillville.

Incidentally, we ourselves hope that someone finds a way to take all the Puerto Ricans out of Chicago, and move them all to Gary. Why is this such a great idea? Because if this happened, the IQ of both cities would increase dramatically.

Hoo-ah.

We're Back

Somebody's getting sued...

Before we get started on today's meaningless news, allow us to apologize to all of you readers for failing to put together any material at all over the past week. But, this should not come as a surprise to any of you, seeing as dedicated journalism is as uncommon around here as a pork chop in a synagogue.

In Virginia, a man has filed suit against a hospital after doctors cut off the wrong testicle during an operation. Now, we seriously think that this is as bad of a fuck-up as could probably go wrong.

Imagine it: One of your balls swells up to the size of a grapefruit and it hurts so bad you need to get it cut off. You go to the hospital, putting all of your faith and money in the hands of these so-called professionals, and then they chop off the wrong gonad.

Let's hope the American justice system comes through on this one and gives this man a couple hundred mildo.

Those things are not all fun and games.

Monkey Flees Zoo, Attacks Bus Passenger

A spider monkey that escaped from a Mexico City zoo boarded a bus and attacked a passenger, Red Cross officials said Tuesday. The monkey got on the bus at about 11 p.m. Monday after escaping from the San Juan de Aragon Zoo, Red Cross spokesman Jair Martinez said. Zoo officials could not immediately be reached for comment.

The animal sat next to the bus driver for almost an hour as he drove through the city, and scratched and bit a 20-year-old female passenger when she tried to hold it, the Mexican news agency Notimex said.

Martinez said the woman was treated for her injury, and the animal was placed in quarantine. He said he had no further details.

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WTF???!?

Why on earth did they let the monkey sit "next to the bus driver for almost an hour as he drove through the city"?!?

Maybe Mexico City is not the sparkling utopia that we all think it is...

Get your act together, Missouri.

The fine town of Missouri City had its elections on Wednesday, but Joseph Selle, a candidate for alderman, lost his bid for a city seat. He didn't win the elections, but he came close. He came as close as you can possible come, without winning. In fact, if he had just remembered to vote for himself, he would have won.

Why?

Because the entire town forgot about the elections, not one single person voted... FOR ANYBODY!!!

So if Mr. Selle voted for himself, he would have won by a landslide. When questioned afterwards, he was pretty straightforward: “It’s pretty small-town stuff down here, man,” Selle said.

Now listen up, Missouri... we know you have been trying awfully hard to shake your dim-witted, slack-jawed, moonshining reputation as of late, but this just ain't the way to do it.