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Somebody's getting sued...

Before we get started on today's meaningless news, allow us to apologize to all of you readers for failing to put together any material at all over the past week. But, this should not come as a surprise to any of you, seeing as dedicated journalism is as uncommon around here as a pork chop in a synagogue.

In Virginia, a man has filed suit against a hospital after doctors cut off the wrong testicle during an operation. Now, we seriously think that this is as bad of a fuck-up as could probably go wrong.

Imagine it: One of your balls swells up to the size of a grapefruit and it hurts so bad you need to get it cut off. You go to the hospital, putting all of your faith and money in the hands of these so-called professionals, and then they chop off the wrong gonad.

Let's hope the American justice system comes through on this one and gives this man a couple hundred mildo.

Those things are not all fun and games.

Monkey Flees Zoo, Attacks Bus Passenger

A spider monkey that escaped from a Mexico City zoo boarded a bus and attacked a passenger, Red Cross officials said Tuesday. The monkey got on the bus at about 11 p.m. Monday after escaping from the San Juan de Aragon Zoo, Red Cross spokesman Jair Martinez said. Zoo officials could not immediately be reached for comment.

The animal sat next to the bus driver for almost an hour as he drove through the city, and scratched and bit a 20-year-old female passenger when she tried to hold it, the Mexican news agency Notimex said.

Martinez said the woman was treated for her injury, and the animal was placed in quarantine. He said he had no further details.

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WTF???!?

Why on earth did they let the monkey sit "next to the bus driver for almost an hour as he drove through the city"?!?

Maybe Mexico City is not the sparkling utopia that we all think it is...

Get your act together, Missouri.

The fine town of Missouri City had its elections on Wednesday, but Joseph Selle, a candidate for alderman, lost his bid for a city seat. He didn't win the elections, but he came close. He came as close as you can possible come, without winning. In fact, if he had just remembered to vote for himself, he would have won.

Why?

Because the entire town forgot about the elections, not one single person voted... FOR ANYBODY!!!

So if Mr. Selle voted for himself, he would have won by a landslide. When questioned afterwards, he was pretty straightforward: “It’s pretty small-town stuff down here, man,” Selle said.

Now listen up, Missouri... we know you have been trying awfully hard to shake your dim-witted, slack-jawed, moonshining reputation as of late, but this just ain't the way to do it.