Saturday, April 07, 2007

Keep It In Your Pants, Doc

Alan Hutchinson, a dentist from Britain, had his dental license revoked after he was found guilty of urinating into a sink during surgery.
Ballsy... Stupid, but ballsy.
He was caught after a nurse noticed a urine smell in the room during open-mouth surgery, and then observed the doctor "tucking something into his trousers." You don't need to be genius to figure out what he was tucking into his pants, but for those of you that don't know, let's just say that it starts with a "P" and ends in a "enis."
Before we begin casting stones at the dentist, however, we should remember that sink urination is a lot more common than you might think. One study proved that over 60% of American men had urinated in a sink in their own home during the past year.
The management of this website will neither admit nor deny allegations of sink urination in our home, especially if those allegations refer to the big concrete utility sink in the basement next to the washing machine.

This chimp smokes like it's going out of style. Somebody get him a carton of unfilters, stat. While we here at HPO generally discourage substance abuse by animals, we think that this chimp is really on to something, and we salute his fine habit. Of course, the cigarettes he is smoking are a new brand of South African cigarettes, which are actually good for you: They lower blood pressure and contain an entire week's requirement of vitamin J.

Kick his ass, Seabass.

In Merrillville, Indiana, police raided the home of a man suspected of staging illegal cockfighting matches. Police found 71 roosters, some with blood on their feathers, some with beaks that had been sharpened into razor-like killing machines. But law enforcement officials believe that the most incriminating evidence against the man will be the 23 copies of "The Gamecock" magazine and 27 copies of "Grit and Steel" magazine found at the home.

This type of human degeneration should not come as a surprise to anybody, when you consider which towns directly border Merrillville.

Incidentally, we ourselves hope that someone finds a way to take all the Puerto Ricans out of Chicago, and move them all to Gary. Why is this such a great idea? Because if this happened, the IQ of both cities would increase dramatically.



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