Monkeys Plan World Domination

Thanks a lot, University of Pittsburgh.

When monkeys run ruffshod over the planet and take over Earth in the near future, the only people to blame will be those genius scientists at the University of Pittsburgh. Isn't it humiliating enough that most major cities in India are already under the rule of the thumbless iron fist of our itenerant tree-dweller cousins? Do we really need more embarassment? Oh, the humanity!!

So, before you criticise us for bashing the faculty of that fine, fine learning institution in Pennsylvania, read this article:

Monkey uses brainwaves to control prosthetic arm

Scientists have trained monkeys to control a robotic arm using the power of their thoughts. The research, which involved wiring electrodes into the animals' brains, is aimed at producing controllable prosthetic limbs for patients with stroke, spinal cord injuries or neurodegenerative conditions.
The monkeys learned to feed themselves using the robotic arm and performed subtle movements such as approaching the food with the arm so as not to knock it over. The researchers believe the animals began to regard the arm as part of their own body.
Scientists have previously taught monkeys and human subjects to control a cursor on a screen or a simple grasping hand via their brain activity, but this is the first time experimenters have demonstrated that it is possible to perform complex behavioural tasks this way.
"In our research, we've demonstrated a higher level of precision, skill and learning," said Prof Andrew Schwartz at the University of Pittsburgh in Pennsylvania. "The monkey learns by first observing the movement, which activates his brain cells as if he were doing it ... like sports training, where trainers have athletes first imagine that they are performing the movements they desire."
The team, who report their research in Thursday's issue of Nature, first trained the macaque monkeys to retrieve marshmallows — a favourite treat — by using a joystick to control the prosthetic arm. Once they had mastered this, the team inserted electrodes into the animals' motor cortex and used brain signals there to control the arm's movement.

What's next?

Has the whole world gone crazy? Are we the only sane ones left? Since when do monkeys get to eat marshmallows?! Let alone marshmallows plucked by a robotic arm controlled by electrodes in their own brains!! The sheer stupidity of this nonsensical atrocity, despite hiding behind the tired defense of "prosperity in the name of science", is proof that the end of the world is closer than we suspected.

If the great men and women who founded America hundreds of years ago were still alive, what would they about crap like this? Ask any one of those great founding fathers - people like Abraham Lincoln, Susan B. Anthony, Benjamin Franklin, or Barbara Streisand - and they would give you the same answer: "Four score and seven years ago, monkeys was swangin' from trees." Do you think that George Washington ever dreamed that monkeys with robotic arms would be eating marshmallows at our most hallowed of educational institutions?!

If we're guilty of anything here at HPO, it may be the fact that we are too traditional. But hell, he believe that every animal has its purpose on this planet: Dogs are here to be loyal companions. Otters are here to swim around on their backs and do cute little human things with their paws. Whales are here to be hunted by Japanese people. Horses are here to be turned into glue. Dolphins are here to eat balloons. Mice are here to entertain us by playing musical instruments. Lobsters are here because they are incredibly tasty and delicious. And, monkeys are here to do a variety of things, but none of them includes marshmallows or robotic arms.

So, the moral of the story is that we're all on our way to hell. We're in the express lane, and we've got the pedal to the metal. The V12 engine is overheating and spewing out fumes as we careen down that one-way highway straight to the land of fire and sulphur. Leave the monkeys and apes alone to do the things they were put on this earth to do in the first place.

She Kidnapped Herself

You want a toe? I'll get you a toe.

Apparently, a bit of a mystery has been developing near Vancouver, British Columbia. Over the past several months, severed human feet have been washing up on shore of remote islands near the city. To date, four different feet have been found washed up on four different islands near Vancouver.

All four feet had socks on them.

All four feet had running shoes on them.

All four feet were right feet.

Here is the article:

Fourth right foot found off Canada's coast
VANCOUVER, British Columbia (AP) — For the fourth time in less than a year, a human foot in a running shoe has been found along the British Columbia coast.
Police said Friday that they don't know if there are any links between the cases of the four severed right feet found on island shorelines in the Vancouver region.
Authorities say they haven't reached any conclusions about the origin of the feet. But local speculation has been rife with some reports claiming they belonged to victims of violent crimes or a plane crash.
Police said a passer-by found the fourth human foot on Kirkland Island, about 15 miles south of Vancouver on Thursday.
"It's certainly a mystery we intend on solving," Police Constable Annie Linteau said. "It's certainly very unusual."
The first three feet washed ashore about 40 miles southwest of Vancouver on islands in the Strait of Georgia. The first foot was discovered last summer by beachcombers on Jedidiah Island. Days later, a foot was found inside a man's Reebok sneaker on nearby Gabriola Island. The remains of a third right foot were found on the east side of Valdez Island on Feb 8.
There is no evidence to suggest the foot — or any or the previous three — was forcibly removed, Linteau said.
"All four were wearing socks and were in a running shoe," Linteau said.
Two of the feet are size 12. Police have not released the size of the others.
British Columbia chief coroner Terry Smith said DNA profiles have been taken from the first three feet. He declined to comment on the investigation or the new finding.
Linteau said missing persons files were also being examined.
Curtis Ebbesmeyer, a former professor of oceanography at the University of Washington who studies floating objects, said when the third foot was found that the feet could have drifted from as far as 1,000 miles away. Ebbesmeyer said the feet could have been severed or detached from their bodies on their own.

Now so far, we have what appears to me to be a series of victimless crimes.

Is "plane crash" really the best explanation we have for this phenomenon? Apparently, it's the one that the authorities are giving us. The chance of four random feet being right feet (and not left feet) is one-half to the fourth power, aka 6.25%. When you add the fact that all four feet were clad in socks and gym shoes, the plot thins. No, wait - not thins. It thickens. THICKENS!

Other theories besides the plane crash? Serial killer. Boating accident. Great white shark with a taste for every part of a jogger except his right foot. Actually, there are many theories. But we like Matty's the best:

It's definitely a hockey player's foot. They just use the tennis shoe to cover up the fact that it was a hockey foot. They take junior hockey seriously up there, and if they can cut off the right foot of an opposing player, they can only compete in the disabled hockey program. This gives the non-disabled team a big advantage. On that note, you will see a few more Canadian skaters with one foot playing in the disabled hockey championships. They tend to have longer mullets to compensate aerodynamically to slumped right side of their body.

Now there's a theory that makes sense. Get that man on the investigation, ASAP. Whoever is charge of Canadian crime-solving, whether it's the Royal Mounted Police or Wayne Gretzky or Celine Dion, get Matty on the case.

The police are saying that DNA evidence is necessary to get to the bottom of this one. Law enforcement officials have been working around the clock on this case: "All we got is, it's a foot in a shoe," said Cpl. Nycki Basra.

Right.

We will spare you, dear readers, all the cheesy jokes a la "the shoe is on the other foot" and "those poor soles" and so on. But we do have to admit, we're a bit stumped here... We will keep you posted on new developments.

The Whole Spectrum

"I'm Mr. Yosuke Nakamura."

Today, we're going to run the entire gambit of animal behavior - from stunning and unbelievably advanced, all the way to murderous and blood-lusting.

Our first on-believable new story comes from Japan, where a lost parrot actually told a veterninarian his address and was safely re-united with his family:

Lost parrot tells veterinarian his address
TOKYO (AP) — When Yosuke the parrot flew out of his cage and got lost, he did exactly what he had been taught — recite his name and address to a stranger willing to help.
Police rescued the African grey parrot two weeks ago from a neighbor's roof in the city of Nagareyama, near Tokyo. After spending a night at the station, he was transferred to a nearby veterinary hospital while police searched for clues, local policeman Shinjiro Uemura said.
He kept mum with the cops, but began chatting after a few days with the vet.
"I'm Mr. Yosuke Nakamura," the bird told the veterinarian, according to Uemura. The parrot also provided his full home address, down to the street number, and even entertained the hospital staff by singing songs.
"We checked the address, and what do you know, a Nakamura family really lived there. So we told them we've found Yosuke," Uemura said.
The Nakamura family told police they had been teaching the bird its name and address for about two years.
But Yosuke apparently wasn't keen on opening up to police officials.
"I tried to be friendly and talked to him, but he completely ignored me," Uemura said.

The best is how the parrot didn't lose his cool and crack under the pressure of a police interview. We propose re-naming the parrot "Johnny Tight-Lips"...

Murderousness.

And, in a complete mirror-image of the last story, a rogue group of British mice have run roffshod over a remote island and have been brutally massacring rare endangered sea-birds. The albatross chicks are being eaten alive by the brutal and hungry mice, who are three times the size of the normal house mice and are described by experts as the biggest in the world.

Not having faced any predators in the history of the island, the birds do not know how to defend themselves, and the mice are free to do as they please:

Those who have witnessed the phenomenon say the mice attack at night either alone or in groups, gnawing through the nests to get at the baby birds. Their parents, who have never experienced predators, are unable to defend them.

What is horrifying ornithologists is that the British house mouse has somehow evolved, growing to up to three times the size of ordinary domestic house mice, and instead of surviving on a diet of insects and seeds, has adapted itself to become a carnivore, eating albatross, petrel and shearwater chicks alive in their nests. They are now believed to be the largest mice in the world. Yesterday Birdlife International, a global alliance of conservation groups, recognised that the mice, who are without predators themselves, are out of control and threatening to make extinct several of the world's rarest bird species.

To quote one of the prominent wildlife experts, Dr. Geoff Hilton: "It's like a tabby attacking a hippopotamus."

Our proposal for resolving this terrifying conservational crisis?

Easy:

Populate the island with highly-intelligent Japanese parrots armed with university-level vocabularies. The parrots could spend their days covering the islands with mousetraps, and then spend their evenings discussing Wittgenstein over games of parcheesi while drinking mint juleps.

Redonkulous

You have the right to remain...

When we were perusing today's newswire just to see what was out there, we came upon a gem of a story. Sometimes, one of these stories comes along that's just absolutely too good to be true - like something out of a bad comedy movie, it is so ridiculous that it simply must be true... Well, this is one of those. We would like to remind you at this time that the following news story is, in fact, completely true and 100% real.

Enjoy, dear readers:

Mexican donkey jailed for ornery behavior

TUXTLA GUTIERREZ, Mexico (AP) — A donkey is doing time in southern Mexico for assault and battery.
The animal was locked up at a local jail that normally holds people for public drunkenness and other disturbances after it bit and kicked two men near a ranch in Chiapas state, police said Monday.
Officer Sinar Gomez said the donkey will remain behind bars until its owner agrees to pay the men's medical bills.
"Around here, if someone commits a crime they are jailed," Gomez said — "no matter who they are."
The owner, Mauro Gutierrez, told The Associated Press he would try to reach a friendly arrangement to pay the men's bills, estimated at US$420 (euro270).
The victims said the donkey bit Genaro Vazquez, 63, in the chest on Sunday and then kicked 52-year-old Andres Hernandez as he tried to come to the rescue, fracturing his ankle.
"All of a sudden, the animal was on top of us like it was rabid," Hernandez said.
Police said it took a half-dozen men to control the enraged burro.
Chiapas police have thrown animals in the slammer before, including a bull that devoured corn crops and destroyed two wooden vending stands in March.
In 2006, a dog was locked up for 12 days after biting someone. His owners were fined US$18.

Let this be a warning to all the other trouble-causing unemployed animals of central Mexico: You are not above the law! Stray dogs, alleycats, turtles, and chickens beware - you freewheeling days of roaming around town like you own the place are over. Justice will be served, and no beast of burden will be spared. This hootin, hollerin, and honky-tonkin' must come to an end.

All of this animal violence has to stop!

In order to protect you, we are including some video clips of some of these animal hooligans in action, so that you know to avoid them when you see them:

Animal Cruelty

Hockey is a sport which teaches competetive instincts and teamwork.

If you take a large, full-grown bear and dress it up in hockey gear, give it a pair of skates and a hockey stick, and throw him out on the ice to have some old-fashioned fun, is there anything wrong with that? We certainly don't think so, but judge for yourselves:

We think this is hilarious. Some people would not agree. Some would call it "immature", "childish", or "a waste of time." Yet others may even go so far as to call it animal cruelty. So for all of you who think that a bear playing hockey is cruel, let me tell you something: If that bear wanted to, he could go berserk on that ice and tear both of those guys to pieces. Besides, it looks like the bear is actually having fun. Imitating his idol, Wayne Gretzky, the bear can finally realize his life-long dream of skating in front of a packed house.

Verdict: Definitely NOT animal cruelty. There are many, many things you could do to animals that are worse. Much, much worse.

Australia Still Sucks

TIA.

We found this story in our favorite newspaper today. Enjoy:

Driver buckles up beer, not child

An Australian motorist has been fined for putting a seatbelt around a case of beer instead of a five-year-old passenger.
Police who pulled over the man's car on the Ross highway, near the outback town of Alice Springs, found the child sitting unrestrained in the back of the vehicle.
Constable Wayne Burnett said he and a colleague were carrying out routine searches on vehicles entering Aboriginal communities, where alcohol is banned under a government crackdown as part of an attempt to stamp out child abuse.
"I really haven't seen something like this before," Burnett said. "Sure, we get beer out of vehicles that is being taken into restricted areas but this is the first time that the beer has taken priority over a child."
Burnett issued the driver with a $750 fine for failing to ensure a child was wearing a seatbelt and for driving a car that was unregistered and uninsured.
Four adults were in the car, two in the front seats and two in the back. The carton of beer, which contained 30 bottles, was strapped in between the two adults in the back. "The child was sitting in the lump in the centre, unrestrained," Burnett added.
Superintendent Sean Parnell, of Alice Springs police department, said: "This serves as a timely reminder to all drivers to ensure they wear seatbelts and ensure, as is their responsibility, that all passengers in their vehicle are secured in the appropriate manner."

Way to go, Australia. Just when we thought you were making forward progress up the staircase of decency and common sense, you trip and fall flat on your face. Then, you tumble back down the staircase into the dark, dirty basement of idiocy.

And now, some quality Dubya to close this post:

Man arrested in Texas for trying to cash $360 billion check

That's a lot of zeroes.

This one's from Texas:

FORT WORTH, Texas - Charles Ray Fuller must have been planning one big record company. The 21-year-old North Texas man was arrested last week for trying to cash a $360 billion check, saying he wanted to start a record business. Tellers at the Fort Worth bank were immediately suspicious — perhaps the 10 zeros on a personal check tipped them off.

Fuller, of suburban Crowley, was arrested on a forgery charge. He was released after posting $3,750 bail.

Fuller said his girlfriend's mother gave him the check to start a record business. But bank employees who contacted the account's owner said the woman told them she did not give him permission to take or cash the check.

In addition to the forgery count, Fuller was charged with unlawfully carrying a weapon and possessing marijuana. Officers reported finding less than two ounces of marijuana and a .25-caliber handgun and magazine in his pockets.

This is the type of bank robbery that you usually see in cartoons. Maybe somebody should inform this guy that anvils aren't toys and that mice aren't able to entertain us by playing musical instruments.

Changing gears completely, it's been quite a while since we posted anything about our main man Pan. So today, we have uploaded a video of Pan attempting to play tennis. While he's not exactly Pete Sampras, it's still pretty funny.

Naturally, we follow that video with footage of an elephant painting a picture: