We Told You So

Sometimes it feels good to be right.

We told you so. When this whole Knut story broke worldwide almost exactly one year ago, we told you so. In case you don't remember, we'll recap the story for you:

- Cute little polar bear is born in zoo in Germany

- Cute little polar bear is abandoned by mother at the zoo; in nature, he would have been left to die

- Stupid people everywhere, whose lives are obviously too boring to care about REAL problems, protest to save the cute little polar bear. They give the cute little polar bear a name: Knut

- Wildlife experts around the world, including the management of this website, confirm that this is a bad idea

- Cute little polar bear is at the center of a media frenzy, still going strong today

Here is what we wrote in our original post on March 21, 2007:

Someday this little white furball is gonna grow up into a 350-pound killing machine that won't hesitate to bite your head off, and then tear what's left of your carcass into a million pieces. This cute little bear isn't gonna be soft and cuddly all his life. Polar bears in captivity live for about 25 years, and as soon as this bear whacks somebody with that massive paw of his, or gets old enough to bite a chunk out of someone's leg, this wacky little experiment is gonna look like a huge failure. Is it sad to kill a little baby polar bear? Sure it is. But maybe it's nature's way of handling these kind of situations. Whoever is up there, calling the shots, whether it's God or Allah or Barbara Streisand, maybe they do these things for a reason.

Knut one year ago; and Knut today.

Now, 12 months later, the problem has literally gotten bigger. One of Knut's trainers at the zoo, Markus Roebke, has spoken out about the troubles that the bear is causing: "The trouble is that he identifies himself as a human and not as a polar bear. We are not allowed to have contact with him and have received letters that if we breach this order our jobs are on the line. He is too unpredictable to play with now."

Mr. Roebke, who works with Knut every day, says that the bear has become a "publicity-addicted psycho." The bear is now mortally obsessed with attention and he "howls with rage" when he does not have an audience.

"He actually cries out or whimpers if he sees that there is not a spectator outside his enclosure ready to ooh and aah at him. Knut must go, the sooner the better."

We told you so. How could you not see that this was a bad idea? And we were not alone in this, not at all. Ruediger Schmiedel, head of the Foundation for Bears, also told you so last year: "They cannot domesticate a wild animal." Wildlife expert Frank Albrecht chipped in his two cents in a more direct manner: "The zoo must kill the bear." And just a few months ago, a prominent animal conservationist referred to Knut as "an animal psycopath."

Another before-and-after picture. Scary.

It should come as no surprise, then, that this whole thing backfired in everyone's face. The comparisons to Shelley's Frankenstein are stunning: We have created a monster. By blatantly disregarding nature, the same self-aggrandizing idiots who wanted Knut saved in the first place are the ones who have caused this whole mess. Why do you think his mother abandoned him? Because she was in a bad mood? Because she didn't feel like raising him?

Of course not! It was natural selection you thumb-sucking, sob-story-loving simpletons!!! Polar bears have survived for centuries because of keen senses and highly developed and innately accurate instictual motivations. If the bear's mother abandons it, that is a strong sign. She loves that damn bear a hundred thousand times more than any of you closed-minded morons, so there must be something seriously wrong with the cub if she abandons it.

Most polar bears don't get to have birthday parties.

So what happens if Knut flips out one day, breaks out of his enclosure, scalps a few children, mauls some grandma, and then terrorizes the zoo until being blasted by a SWAT team? Who is to blame then? Certainly not the experts who knew it was a bad idea all along. The blame will lie solely on the shoulder of all those pathetic, senseless degenerates who brought this un-holy creation into the media with their bickering and their nincompoopery.

Knut was on the cover of Vanity Fair, for the love of God. Ok, so it was German Vanity Fair (meaning it was probably full of pictures of sausages and chocolate and David Hasselhoff), but it's still a famous magazine.

It's not too late. It's not too late yet. It will be too late if Knut snaps and takes a bite out of some German's leg, but until that happens it's not too late. We said it a year ago, and we'll say it again now: Kill the bear.

Hot Pipes Mailbag

Nothing like old-fashioned, wholesome entertainment.

We realize we have not been posting as frequently as we have in the past. But still, we here at HPO love receiving pleasant messages from courteous and open-minded readers of this blog.

We received this pearl from long-time reader and top-class gentlemen Jimmy Fontaine in the early hours of this morning. Mr. Fontaine, obviously in a splendid mood, offers a lot of constructive critism in a very unbiased way, without a hint of bigotry or crudeness:

You're a sick man Ross... A sick capitalist pig of a man... But even if screaming African children holding on for dear life to a camel gives you a sick kind of pick-me-up for the day, does that necessarily make you a capitalist pig? Let's remember Vick's fighting pit bulls of Newport "Bad" News Virginia... or Aramis Ramirez'zsszz love for cock-fighting in the Dominican Republic... (or whatever shithole of an island he came from... I'm not exactly writing a bibliography at four a.m. on a tuesday... or wednesday or whatever). The point is - whatever - I love hotpipes... Mikey Eggplant aka "The Repeat Offender" loves hotpipes... So just write some hotpipes Ross... Please... We're dying out here.

I know what you're thinking:"If i could do it all over again, I'd trade it all in for a checkered sport coat and a luxury car with high miles just to live a day in the life of a plastic siding salesman." But I got news for you, Mr. "International Businessman." It's not all fun and games out here...

Do you think I enjoy waking up at 12 P.M. everyday Ross?! I suppose because we smoke, drink, snort, and keister drugs all day we must be on easy street. Well, you know what.....................

Okay, you may be right in some respect. But please keep writing hotpipes, Ross. We need it. I love you brother. Please be careful out there and come see us soon.

Your main man,

Jimmy Fontaine

Sometimes it's just so nice to know that people out there care.

This tends to undermine the seriousness of Buddhism.

When we saw this amazing story on the newswire a few days ago, we were literally speechless. How could a dog learn to pray at a Buddhist temple? This is the mental equivalent of a monkey learning calculus, or George Bush learning that "Hispanically" is not a real word.

Here is the whole story:

Buddhist dog prays for worldly desires
NAHA, Japan (AFP) — Buddhists clasp their palms together to pray for enlightenment, but Conan, a chihuahua, appears to have more worldly motivations.
The dog has become a popular attraction at a Japanese temple after learning to imitate the worshippers around him.
"Conan started to pose in prayer like us whenever he wanted treats," said Joei Yoshikuni, a priest at Jigenin temple on the southern island of Okinawa.
"Clasping hands is a basic action of Buddhist prayer to show appreciation. He may be showing his thanks for treats and walks," he said.
Conan, a two-year-old male with long, black hair and a brown collar, sits next to Yoshikuni in front of the altar and looks right up at the statue of a Buddhist deity.
When the priest starts chanting and raises his clasped hands, Conan also raises his paws and joins them at the tip of his nose.
Visitors to the temple look on with curiosity.
"It's so funny that he does it," said Kazuko Oshiro, 71, who has frequented the temple for more than 25 years.
"He gets angry when somebody else sits on his favourite spot. He must be thinking that it's his special place," Oshiro said.
Conan, originally a temple pet, has become so popular that people come in to take pictures almost every week, the priest said.
Yoshikuni estimated that the temple receives 30 percent more visitors, especially young tourists, than it would otherwise.
"I'm glad that people feel more comfortable visiting the temple because of Conan," he said as he jokingly joined his hands and bowed to the dog.

Wax on... Wax off...

But honestly, what can a dog even pray for? A massive T-bone steak? Instant death for all cats worldwide? A tasty bone to chew on? A couple of shirtless, stinking, sweaty Mexican landscapers to chase out of his yard?

The Buddhist monks claim they are trying to teach the dog how to meditate, but we here at HPO probably think that before you teach a dog to meditate, you gotta teach him not to eat his own crap.

And now, to finish the post off, we are attaching some footage of what is possibly the worst-organized TV show in history. The girl is sweet enough, and she is certainly good-looking (not good-looking-in-a-Gemma-Atkinson-kind-of-way, but more good-looking-in-a-Susie-Dent-kind-of-way).

We truly do appreciate her seemingly-honest effort to educate the public, but for the love of all things that are good and decent, you can't allow yourself to be prank-called that many times in one show!

Illinois For Breakfast

Breakfast of Champions.

A couple of high-school girls in Virginia found a corn flake that bears a remarkable resemblance to the state of Illinois. To be completely fair, that corn-flake has a bit bigger gut than Illinois actually has in real life. But aside from that, the resemblance is stunning - from the Illinois River groove in the Western part of the flake, to that big pimple-crater lookin' thing in the exact same location as Kankakee.

Regardless, they are offering the flake on ebay, and some complete moron has bid $56 for it.

Why are we calling him a moron? Well, clearly if this person was smart, he would know that $56 can by him any number of fine alcoholic beverages such as Night Train, Thunderbird, or even Iron City Beer (AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please disregard the douchebag holding the bottle of Iron City Beer. His 10-degree hat-tilt, man-earring, and douche-face are all invitations for a donkey-punching. If anyone out there actually knows this piece of crap, please do us all a favor and hit him in the back of the head - HARD. Also, please flush his earring down the nearest toilet. Thank you.)

The girls in Virginia plan on using the profits from the sale of the Illinois-shaped to buy more Frosted Flakes. "We've got to replace the one we've already sold," Melissa McIntire said. "We like cereal."

Right on, high school girls from Virginia. Eat them Frosted Flakes.

Man on the run.

In other news, the extremely technologically-advanced country of Macedonia has recently convicted a bear of theft for stealing some guy's honey:

The taste of honey was just too tempting for a bear in Macedonia, which repeatedly raided a beekeeper's hives.
Now it has a criminal record after a court found it guilty of theft and criminal damage.
But there was an empty dock in the court in the city of Bitola and no handcuffed bear, which was convicted in its absence.
The case was brought by the exasperated beekeeper after a year of trying vainly to protect his beehives.
For a while, he kept the animal away by buying a generator, lighting up the area, and playing thumping Serbian turbo-folk music.
But when the generator ran out of power and the music fell silent, the bear was back and the honey was gone once more.
"It attacked the beehives again," said beekeeper Zoran Kiseloski.
Because the animal had no owner and belonged to a protected species, the court ordered the state to pay for the damage to the hives - around $3,500 (£1,750; 2,238 euros).
The bear, meanwhile, remains at large - somewhere in Macedonia.

And now, some footage of the "peaceful" protests going on in Tibet: